TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Hi.
THERAPIST: Hey. (Pause) Good morning.
CLIENT: Good morning. They only plowed like half of the sidewalks so I spent my entire time coming down here like, trying to-I crossed the street like three times where I didn't want to. It just-
THERAPIST: (inaudible) (crosstalking)
CLIENT: No. (Pause) So I really need to get a job. Both, both because our money is such that I really need to get a job. Like, really sad. (Chuckle) And just, not being employed is really not been great. (Pause) But, it is, like it's so hard to think about, that you know most of my energy goes toward kind of keeping myself on task. That I don't just say I can't deal with this and go off and do something else. So I've really not been doing a very good job of applying. (Pause) And, yeah it just seems pretty hopeless to me. (Pause) I haven't heard back from anywhere about teaching. Which, might be because they have all decided on somebody else, and might be because none of the school have-sorry I was just lost there for a second. [0:02:40.8]
THERAPIST: That's okay, just (inaudible) going on.
CLIENT: It might be because they just-they've usually a committee that needs to talk about the applications. And a lot of most of them probably haven't met yet. So. (Pause) Doesn't seem like it's time to give up yet, but (Pause) it's tough.
(Pause from [0:03:06.5] to [0:03:22.9]) Yeah, in terms of not being able to think about things because they are too hard, this is a big one. I am just so scared.
(Pause from [0:03:38.5] to [0:04:17.6]) I start tutoring that other girl today. So that's terrifying. We'll see how it goes.
(Pause from [0:04:28.7] to [0:04:46.1]) I just feel so ashamed. Like, how is it that I have-I am 27 years old, how is it that I have absolutely no marketable skills. Just nothing.
(Pause from [0:05:02.5] to [0:05:17.0]) I feel like I've done nothing in my life that anybody would value.
(Pause from [0:05:21.2] to [0:06:08.2]) Yeah. (Pause) I can't really afford to go back to school to get teaching certification. So I'm pretty much stuck with private schools at this point.
(Pause from [0:06:28.5] to [0:08:28.9] Yeah, I'm not sure what I'll do.
(Pause from [0:08:31.0] to [0:08:49.7]) I know that it's too soon to give up on teaching, but it seems pretty hopeless.
(Pause from [0:08:53.0] to [0:09:34.8]) Which you know, makes me pretty angry.
(Pause from [0:09:36.7] to [0:10:10.6]) Yeah, I still have to stay here and stay calm while I'm talking about this. It's hard.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Are you worried you're boring me or I'm getting impatient with you?
CLIENT: I don't know. I don't think so.
(Pause from [0:10:34.2] to [0:10:49.9] Sort of, feels like you want me to keep talking and I don't (Pause) I don't know what else to say.
(Pause from [0:11:04.9] to [0:11:32.3]) I guess I'm kind of talking about the part where I feel really awful. But (Pause) It's a little hard to talk about I guess.
THERAPIST: (Pause) But I seem to think that's where you ought to focus.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause from [0:12:03.2] to [0:12:46.2] This is the topic that makes me think about killing myself the most these days.
(Pause from [0:12:49.8] to [0:13:10.3]) Which I guess is not surprising. It's just really hard. (Pause) I want to not have to have deal with it.
(Pause from [0:13:22.3] to [0:14:24.5]
THERAPIST: It seems to me it would be destructive for you to be dealing with something that seems like it's too much to deal with.
CLIENT: It would be destructive?
THERAPIST: Sure. (Pause) I mean I'm saying I'm sure this is too much for you to deal with. But, (Pause) but it might be. I guess I'd start with idea that I would want you to-I have the impression as though I would want you to talk about this or focus on it. Even if it's too much. (Pause)
CLIENT: Um. (Pause) Huh. (Pause from [0:15:33.1] to [0:15:55.5]) I guess I feel like I have to deal with this.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: You know, I have to get a job. I just have to. And so, (Pause) it's important to try to deal with it well. You know I don't think it serves anybody for me to hide from this. Because it's not like it goes away. It's not like I stop being afraid. It's not like I stop thinking about it.
(Pause from [0:16:53.1] to [0:17:35.5])
THERAPIST: I know it's not me thinking that you ought to deal with this no matter how hard it is or how much it feels like you can't, but you?
CLIENT: I think so.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: I'm not, like (Pause) I generally have a sense that you think I should think about things that are hard for me to think about. But it's sort of unclear to me what you want. (Chuckle) (Pause) This so me feels like, well this is what I have to do to live. So. (Pause) I should do it.
(Pause from [0:18:55.2] to [0:19:33.3]) It's just really hard.
(Pause from [0:19:35.0] to [0:19:50.0])
THERAPIST: There's often, (Pause) a point in your thinking where it comes back to, this is just what you have to do no matter what it costs you. Or, well, your feelings really don't matter because this is a piece of reality that just has to be dealt with.
Client. Yes.
THERAPIST: Like this. Or with your father, well, it doesn't really-I'm going to exaggerate a little bit like-it doesn't really matter what you think or feel or whatever. Because he's how he is, and that's not going to change. So you know, you've just got to deal with it.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause from [0:20:46.8] to [0:21:03.8]) Yeah. (Pause from [0:21:03.9] to [0:21:18.8]) I think I've spent a lot of time wishing that my life were different. And finding that wishing doesn't actually do anything. And, so I think I have a tendency to try to stop that before it starts or something. Just say no. (Pause) It is what it is. (Chuckle)
(Pause from [0:21:57.4] to [0:22:21.0])
THERAPIST: Well it seems to me that in that way it becomes either you or it. Like, because you lose where you're at in that sort of way of framing things.
CLIENT: I don't quite understand.
THERAPIST: (Pause) There's you wishing it was different. There's it the way it is. And I think when you say, well, you know that's just how it is, you're sort of taking half of one of those two things and I think kind of chucking the other one.
CLIENT: Yeah, I guess so.
THERAPIST: It's a little like the idea that I think you should talk about the things that are hard to talk about. (Pause) I guess you know, I do think that often there's important stuff in the things that are hard to talk about. That much is true. But, you know, there's also the part where (Pause) I don't think it's good for you in any way to do something that's just too much. You know, or there's the part of you that is really anxious or in a lot of pain trying to talk about it. That part is no less important. Does that make sense? [0:24:00.9]
CLIENT: Yeah I think so. Yeah.
THERAPIST: I think maybe that's a good way to put it. Like, that part of you that finds it hard to talk about it, is scared to talk about it, it's sort of sad or angry or wrong to talk about it. That part is no less important than whatever other part that is to be talking about.
(Pause from [0:24:23.1] to [0:26:10.9])
CLIENT: So (inaudible) I wasn't really answering what you're saying.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: But, I guess something like (crying) things don't get easier because they are too hard for me. Or because I feel like they're too hard.
(Pause from [0:26:29.0] to [0:27:01.3])
THERAPIST: I think it's tragic that all too often that has been your experience.
CLIENT: What?
THERAPIST: I think it's tragic that all too often that has been you experience.
(Pause from [0:27:11.9] to [0:27:22.7] But, (Pause) go ahead is there anything you want to say?
CLIENT: (Pause) Just, no not really. I don't know. Just that (Pause) no, it's not coming together.
(Pause from [0:28:05.5] to [0:28:56.1])
THERAPIST: I guess my point is, I know that very often that has been true for you. Especially growing up, that it didn't really matter what you needed. Or how you felt was going on with you, it didn't really change anything. But, I don't actually think that's always true now. I mean, (Pause) I mean in some ways it is, some ways it isn't. But the point I'm making is like let's say with James. How do you feel in what's going on with you and what you need makes a difference. It affects things.
CLIENT: Huh. [0:29:39.0]
THERAPIST: I mean, not always or in every way, but (Pause)
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Considerably.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Pause from [0:29:51.3] to [0:30:21.2])
THERAPIST: Another example, like, quitting the coffee shop. Now, I can imagine there are ways you're not okay with that. Because you know, of feeling about needing a job and the money and so forth. And, not as important considerations. But it's what you needed, it's what happened, like (Pause) in some ways it was fine. (Pause from [0:31:04.2] to [0:31:28.6])
CLIENT: Okay. (Pause from [0:31:28.4] to [0:33:45.1])
THERAPIST: I think it's probably terrifying for you when like, (Pause) there isn't a (inaudible) things do change based on how you feel about what you need.
CLIENT: What was the thing you said before when things do change, I just didn't hear it?
THERAPIST: I think it's probably terrifying when that happens. [0:34:26.9]
CLIENT: (Pause) Yes. It's sort of hard to tell if that's what's going on. It's so foreign to me. (Pause) And it feels like, I'm somehow-It feels like I'm taking advantage of the person who's making the changes. Yeah that feels like that shouldn't be what happens. (Pause) You know, I'm in some ways I think that in some way's it's still clear to me that I needed to quit that job, but I still feel really guilty about it. (Pause from [0:35:44.8] to [0:36:06.0])
THERAPIST: And I don't even hear that probably-if there's something scary there's probably also in a way something kind of (Pause) comforting is not exactly the word I want. But that allays your anxiety with the idea that I want you to focus on what's really difficult to talk about. (Pause) And really work.
CLIENT: Well, it is yeah, I think so. Part of it is something comforting in feeling like I know what I'm supposed to be doing. (Laughter) (Pause)
THERAPIST: As opposed to just being able to do what you want.
CLIENT: Yeah, that's not really scary for me. (Pause from [0:37:03.4] to [0:37:21.4]) I don't know what I want.
(Pause from [0:37:23.0] to [0:38:09.7]) I am so scared. (Whispers)
(Pause from [0:38:11.2] to [0:38:50.6] I guess part of me also feels like, feels like it would be comforting to be able to say, in a year's time, well if I still feel like this it's not because I'm not working hard. (Pause) But I don't think this is going anywhere. (Pause) But I really want it to be different. But I want to be able to say I tried I guess.
(Pause from [0:39:38.0] to [0:40:35.7])
THERAPIST: You're having trouble with (inaudible). Like my first thought is well, that actually doesn't make any sense. (Laughter)
CLIENT: (Laughter) Okay.
THERAPIST: The thought is (chuckle) well, this really isn't going anywhere. What I want-so I'm stuck with this miserable, soul-crushing depression, which I really you know can't do anything about, and it's going to be with me. And my reaction to that is to feel like, what I want to be able to say in a year's time is that I tried to do something about it. Believing pretty whole-heartedly that that won't help. It will just reassure me that I was trying. [0:41:22.1]
CLIENT: Well when you put it like that. (Crying) (Chuckle)
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Yeah, okay.
THERAPIST: One thing that might point to is how-I mean the headline there seems to me to be, that sucks.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Crying)
THERAPIST: To be stuck with that as your burden by having to live with that for another year, and thus an eternity, heavily in your mind. (Pause) I guess it, these are characteristics more so than, Oh God that sucks part, you go to the well, I need to sort of try to work hard on it so at least I feel like it's not my fault, that I did what I could. [0:42:22.3]
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Part.
CLIENT: Yeah, I feel a lot of things too. To feel like they're not my fault.
THERAPIST: Yeah. (Pause from [0:42:46.8] to [0:43:13.7])
CLIENT: Yeah I still feel like it's all my fault. (Pause) It doesn't go away.
(Pause from [0:43:20.8] to [0:44:22.7]) I guess I also think, this also is probably a characteristic, if there is a way out of this, it'll be through working really hard.
(Pause from [0:44:39.2] to [0:44:50.5]) Maybe I just think that because that's comforting to me. Probably. But, you know, feeling like there's something I can do.
(Pause from [0:45:12.2] to [0:45:55.7])
THERAPIST: Well we're gonna stop for now.
CLIENT: Okay.
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