TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Where's my computer?
(Pause): [00:00:01 00:00:19]
CLIENT: Good morning.
(Pause): [00:00:19 00:00:25]
CLIENT: So yesterday turned into kind of a mostly just watching TV day. I tried to get work done, tried to (inaudible). But the TV seemed to actually help, so that's good.
(Pause): [00:00:44 00:01:04]
CLIENT: And now that's about all that's good. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:01:05 00:01:15]
CLIENT: I'm supposed to tutor again today. (inaudible) last week.
(Pause): [00:01:21 00:01:46]
CLIENT: At least (inaudible) spend the time preparing but.
THERAPIST: (Clears throat)
(Pause): [00:01:51 00:02:11]
CLIENT: Okay, I have a sort of panic when I don't have anything to say. (Laughs) Or not exactly, not really panic, but a sort of (inaudible) in a very small way, small scale.
(Pause): [00:02:27 00:02:54]
CLIENT: Which, of course, I say hoping that will prompt you to say something so I don't have to talk anymore. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Well, that's (unclear) if that's what you're feeling, you can certainly talk about that. I mean I (unclear) you're saying that you're saying that in part hoping that I'll talk about it but you're also saying (unclear) true.
CLIENT: Well, yeah.
THERAPIST: And I imagine you (unclear) something that's very frightening about not knowing what to say.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:03:44 00:04:29]
THERAPIST: And (unclear) your (unintelligible).
CLIENT: And you know you say what comes to mind but what really comes to mind are the episodes of Veronica Marr I watched last night for the most part. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: I actually I actually really mean it. I don't mean what comes to mind except make sure it (unclear) relevant. Actually, it means whatever happens to come to mind.
CLIENT: Yeah. Okay. It's really true. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: It may be a little crazy.
CLIENT: No. I believe you except only a little bit. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Or you could (unclear). [00:05:31]
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: I could imagine more (unclear) when you talk about what you actually saw, but even before you say anything I imagine, you know, you're thinking of the episodes now in part for the same reasons you are thinking, that you wanted to watch yesterday afternoon, which is you were feeling kind of overwhelmed and needed sort of something else to focus on some other place to put your mind so you didn't feel so overwhelmed. And there may be something you aren't afraid to (unclear) and so you think of the shows.
CLIENT: (inaudible) think, huh? (Chuckle) Yeah. It took a while for me to be able to actually get into it. It was like three episodes before I kind of actually stopped thinking about what I was anxious about.
(Pause): [00:06:43 00:07:13]
CLIENT: I don't know why this is so hard for me.
THERAPIST: It's also hard to talk about the show.
CLIENT: It is, actually. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:07:29 00:07:37]
CLIENT: The (unclear) is now I'm not thinking about it anymore. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:07:38 00:08:21]
CLIENT: I think also sort of using the TV show as an example more than that was actually what I was thinking about at that moment just yeah, irrelevant.
(Pause): [00:08:42 00:09:15]
CLIENT: So for the last three weeks I've been, you know, every time I refill my (unclear) you know the medications I have I think, 'wow, this Synthroid is lasting forever,' and I keep thinking I'll have to refill it soon and it just keeps on going. It must have been like two months worth or several months' worth or something. I don't know what happened and last night I looked at the package and yeah I refilled it on
February 27th, I just forgot about it or that might have been one that James refilled for me, I don't know.
(Pause): [00:09:45 00:10:00]
CLIENT: But I also forgot that CVS had an upstairs which is where the pharmacy is which is where I've been refilling my prescriptions for the last two and a half years, so I remembered eventually but I was like, 'why don't they have a new (inaudible) in this store? This is ridiculous.' I was like, 'oh, there's a whole other level.'
THERAPIST: Un huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:10:21 00:10:28]
THERAPIST: That's (unclear) a little bit of forgetting when you mentioned feeling anxious for not feeling sure what to say because during the ECT the person has more intense recall, like 10 minutes -
CLIENT: Oh, really?
THERAPIST: Twenty minutes.
CLIENT: I mean I felt I know I didn't have very much to say but I didn't realize it was that long. Wow.
THERAPIST: And it didn't bother you. And you didn't remember that it bothered you before.
CLIENT: Really. That's the weirdest thing.
(Pause): [00:11:11 00:11:19]
CLIENT: Well, thanks. So, if in the future, they tell me I have to do ECT again and I tell you I'm thinking about it remind me of this, please? (Laughs) Because, you know, doctors telling me to do something I basically just do it. Yeah, sometimes it's hard for me to say, 'No, this is not the right thing for me.' But, wow. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:11:55 00:12:14]
CLIENT: Like Dr. (inaudible) said, "Well, now we know there's something worse than being suicidal." (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:12:18 00:12:54]
CLIENT: I had my interview for a teacher-placing agency during my ECT. I don't think the interview went very well. Perhaps, relatedly they basically had a (inaudible) sort of thing.
(Pause): [00:13:19 00:13:30]
CLIENT: (inaudible)
(Pause): [00:13:36 00:13:46]
CLIENT: I don't know. Some days I feel (inaudible) for being stupider than (unclear) I do.
(Pause): [00:13:51 00:14:00]
CLIENT: And then I get over it.
(Pause): [00:14:00 00:14:15]
CLIENT: You asked me whether I had, you know what it's like you tell somebody something like your psychiatrist took you off medication because you've basically tried them all and they don't work. And immediately they say, 'oh, have you tried this?' (Laughs) I sort of made fun of her afterward for that, so, that was good. But she's like, 'oh, have you tried the ketamine have you thought about the ketamine trials?' And it's like, (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:14:55 00:15:58]
CLIENT: Yeah, I think I just really, really want to do what I'm supposed to do and I feel like here I'm supposed to talk. And I really am trying.
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
(Pause): [00:16:11 00:17:00]
CLIENT: Ten minutes?
(Pause): [00:17:01 00:18:10]
CLIENT: It seems like the tutoring job offer (unclear) (cross talk).
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Oh that's too bad.
CLIENT: Yeah. It was going to be another long way away sort of thing.
THERAPIST: Where was it?
CLIENT: What was that?
THERAPIST: Where was it?
CLIENT: Near here.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Close to here, but not really. It was a ways away and (inaudible). I could just take the car, but the radiator was doing something weird the last time we drove it. Also, I don't like driving in cities. It's been at least six months since I drove a car and (unclear) driving.
(Pause): [00:19:15 00:19:23]
CLIENT: My first car was a Jeep.
THERAPIST: That's great.
CLIENT: Other than getting 15 miles a gallon.
THERAPIST: That's great.
CLIENT: (Laughs) I sold it, actually, because I was moving out to the Midwest and I was going to have to commute or go between. I needed a car that was less expensive, but I sort of regret it.
(Pause): [00:1 9:45 00:19:50]
CLIENT: I could fit everything I owned in it. It was great.
(Pause): [00:19:54 00:20:09]
CLIENT: But I haven't really (inaudible) car.
THERAPIST: Huh?
CLIENT: Or you know, I guess technically I have one now since my name is on the license for James's car, but it's still James's car.
THERAPIST: Hmm hmm [yes].
(Pause): [00:20:26 00:21:52]
CLIENT: I'm really glad that James is here but I spend a lot of time worrying that (inaudible) lives near here. I don't think he actually does. But that doesn't make me not worry about it.
(Pause): [00:22:06 00:22:24]
CLIENT: Yeah, I sort of feel like I've cut him off from his support system which doesn't actually make sense because pretty much everyone knew I was a support to him and they no I had already moved away. There's some older students from then, some friends from college, a guy (unclear) who knew James from college. He's a poet. And he and his wife are having a baby soon and are very excited. Everybody I know is having a baby right now but we like these people a lot more. (Laughs) But they've moved away.
(Pause): [00:23:31 00:23:45]
CLIENT: (inaudible) to move back to Virginia.
(Pause): [00:23:46 00:24:48]
CLIENT: It's really hard.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:24:50 00:25:47]
CLIENT: I'm also not really very good at it. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:25:50 00:26:05]
CLIENT: I don't know whether I believe you or whether I just don't want to tell you what I'm actually thinking.
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
(Pause): [00:26:08 00:26:25]
THERAPIST: Say you are kind of (unclear) and a little ticked at me to be a bit more supportive, reassuring, help make conversation -
CLIENT: A little bit.
THERAPIST: (inaudible) Yeah.
CLIENT: I have rage.
(Pause): [00:26:38 00:26:49]
CLIENT: But you're not falling for it. (Laughs) Sorry. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:26:55 00:27:37]
CLIENT: I'll come share quickly. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: I think that's probably a good example of (laughs) some of what makes (unclear) what's on your mind. I may be wrong with this, but I was just going to say something that maybe I heard what you just said in a particular way. So it seems I had the thought when you said that you maybe started out saying it, imagining you're going to say it straight -
CLIENT: Which one?
THERAPIST: Well, that's (unclear) for me? And then realize that that just wasn't truthful enough to be able to pull off as (cross talk) don't you think?
CLIENT: (Laughing) Yes. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughing) and is actually going to sound kind of a little sarcastic, which is -
CLIENT: I'm okay with that.
THERAPIST: Which is where you started. Yeah. But I think you being sarcastic and frustrated like that you're like, 'yeah, (unclear) so comfortable with,' like any fear about what we're doing I don't think that's always so easy. My thought was that maybe some of what's making it to the closer talk is the things that occur to you are connected to the feelings (unclear) that don't feel so okay such as how I wish sort of made it under the wire. Does that make sense?
CLIENT: Hmm.
(Pause): [00:29:39 00:29:59]
CLIENT: That makes sense. How could it possibly be useful, for example? (Laughs) Which I'm not trying to do it. I know how it can be useful so I don't need you to explain it to me, I think. I don't know whether you would or not anyway, but (laughs) I guess so.
(Pause): [00:30:36 00:30:48]
THERAPIST: Again, maybe the implication there is this really not feeling it's more helpful at the moment although I think that's hard to come out and just sort of say (unclear) things like that because imagining me to feel guilty or like I'm going to be mad.
CLIENT: Both.
(Pause): [00:31:05 00:31:28]
CLIENT: Doctors. I have a hard time with not doing what you tell me. (Laughs) That's not really fair. Because I don't actually think that's what's going on. I don't think the authority you had in my mind comes from (unclear) degree at this point. So you know, good for you. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:32:02 00:32:33]
CLIENT: But I guess where I'm going with that is that you do have a lot of authority in my mind, so sometimes, you know it's hard for me to say, like I don't see this being useful or -
(Pause): [00:33:00 00:33:15]
THERAPIST: What's interesting to me I get that it is the case but in a way it doesn't seem to me that it would necessarily have to be the case that you're sort of granting me a lot of authority would mean you were worried about kind of (unclear) out for disagreeing (inaudible).
CLIENT: Well, so it so I feel very comfortable disagreeing with you about some things, obviously. (Laughs) And, but, I guess you know, like if you say, when you say that something's going on with me that I don't think is happening, I tell you I don't think it's happening.
THERAPIST: Absolutely.
CLIENT: I guess I'm not comfortable challenging your methodology.
THERAPIST: I see. Un huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:34:29 00:34:45]
CLIENT: Which I'm now trying to think whether that's the way I work with other people that I put in authority.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: I don't know.
(Pause): [00:34:59 00:35:13]
CLIENT: Also I sort of feel that just because it's hard right now, I think that that's not a good reason to not want to do it. Which, when I say that out loud seems it makes no sense (laughing) (unclear).
(Pause): [00:35:34 00:36:10]
CLIENT: I think that picture looks good there. It's something to look at when I don't want to look at you. (Chuckles)
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
CLIENT: (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:36:17 00:36:35]
CLIENT: (inaudible) it would be creepy to just stare at you for 45 minutes. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Chuckles)
(Pause): [00:36:40 00:37:05]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) about the picture?
CLIENT: What is it?
THERAPIST: It's a (unclear) [inaudible] (ph) doing like a religious dance with a (unclear).
CLIENT: Oh, that's awesome. I have a friend who lived in [inaudible] (ph) for a while. She's (inaudible), she's pretty great.
THERAPIST: Un huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:37:52 00:38:21]
CLIENT: Her sister dated my dad for almost 10 years.
THERAPIST: Oh?
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:38:29 00:38:44]
CLIENT: Yeah, that was a strange family. I mean they're really, really wonderful a little bit messed up, I think. (Unclear) kind of made their lives what they want them to be, okay?
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
CLIENT: Their father produced the James Bond films. Well, he's not in the (unclear) but he was the guy he produced like the first couple and then got kind of edged out and he know was just kind of both of their parents were really, really nuts and really, really wealthy and the first (unclear) that I mentioned, like [Karlie] (ph), I think, and it's like, 'no I really don't want your money anymore because it's too expensive.' After a while -
(Pause): [00:39:52 00:40:05]
CLIENT: I think they were great.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: [inaudible] (ph) was (unclear) and lived in Butung for a while and Karlie (unclear) with my dad. She's a photographer. And Karlie now works with the dying at Hospice. But that's what (unclear).
(Pause): [00:40:32 00:40:45]
CLIENT: (Unintelligible)
(Pause): [00:40:44 00:40:52]
CLIENT: We had a few nannies. She was the only one who was really a success. So -
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: A year and a half, two years.
(Pause): [00:41:02 00:41:11]
CLIENT: She used to say, (unclear) "it will end in tears, dear." (Laughs) That was as far as she got (unclear).
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:41:28 00:42:11]
CLIENT: She would, yeah, yeah tell us stories because you know, she spent a while just kind of traveling around. She worked as a tour guide in the rain forest for a while. Things like that.
THERAPIST: Un huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:42:25 00:42:33]
CLIENT: I always wanted to hear all these like horrible, horrible stories about the Catholic boarding school that she went to in Ireland you know where they used to steal potatoes because they didn't have enough food, like, play these games where they threw rocks at each other. Somehow, those were my favorites.
(Pause): [00:43:01 00:43:12]
CLIENT: (Unintelligible). You know, had the right stories pretty much every week and someone always dies, always (Laughs) like horrible, horrible deaths. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Chuckles)
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:43:28 00:43:32]
THERAPIST: Is it boys or girls?
CLIENT: It's one boy and one girl.
THERAPIST: Is the body count pretty even, or?
CLIENT: Yeah (laughs). It really is.
(Pause): [00:43:42 00:43:49]
CLIENT: I mean, it doesn't bother me. It's not like one of them is terrorizing the other with the stories. Mostly, just want to talk about gruesome things.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:44:02 00:44:25]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) go through the stories?
CLIENT: Yeah, I like blew through them and basically help them with the grammar and spelling and (laughs). It gets pretty funny. They were actually severed heads. You want an extra "E" there. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Guillotine comma -
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: (Laughs) that's about right.
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
CLIENT: Okay.
(Pause): [00:45:15 [00:45:33]
END TRANSCRIPT
