TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: I don’t know why I can’t remember to clean these before I leave the house. (pause)

THERAPIST: What’s on your mind? (pause)

CLIENT: (sighs) I don’t know, stuff. I have a widget on my live (ph) journal -

THERAPIST: [say what]? (ph)

CLIENT: I have a widget on my live journal that tells me the names of people who are logged in and reading my blog. Which I probably shouldn’t have because it’s bad for me and just perverts all of my (inaudible at 00:01:05) look at (inaudible at 00:01:08) statistics that (sighs) I don’t know. See as of this morning I checked the visitors log and saw that Ashley had been refreshing my journal frequently last night and I don’t know, I was feeling upset again (ph). (pause)

[00:02:00]

THERAPIST: Do you miss them?

CLIENT: Yeah. Even though [he was passed for me] (ph), even though I’m better off without him. (pause)

[00:03:00]

THERAPIST: Are there other things tied to mind about that or (inaudible at 00:03:39) know?

CLIENT: Mostly I feel ridiculous for still being hung up on him months after the fact. (pause)

[00:04:00]

THERAPIST: I (inaudible at 00:04:08) (pause) marriage is maybe you’re kind of shut down because you miss him a lot and you’re really sad and also ashamed and pretty damn frustrated with yourself -

CLIENT: Mhm.

THERAPIST: For being stuck on him?

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: And are overwhelmed and not at (ph) all that and (pause) he shut down and may be having a hard time talking about it?

CLIENT: [00:04:58] Yep. It means [that I told him.] (ph)

THERAPIST: Yep.

CLIENT: I didn’t mean for that to come out sounding sarcastic.

THERAPIST: I actually just took that as -

CLIENT: Okay. (pause)

THERAPIST: [I don’t know] (ph) whether I missed some aspect of sarcasm or just far preferred to hear it that way, I guess.

CLIENT: (chuckles) And it’s (pause) I don’t have any right to still be sad. Dating him was sad for me. The costs far outweighed the benefits I chose to break up with him, by [own rights] (ph) I should have moved on by now. (pause) [00:06:00]

Continuing to feel bad about him just is a phenomenal waste of energy that I can’t afford to waste. It’s not like I’m overflowing with energy right now. (sighs)

THERAPIST: Mhm. (pause)

[00:07:00]

THERAPIST: Hmm. (pause)

[00:08:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess you’re, in a way I think, way more furious with yourself than you can sort of handle.

CLIENT: Yep. (ph) (pause)

[00:09:00]

THERAPIST: And probably feel all sorts of very self-critical, self-deprecated (inaudible at 0:09:20) and you are amazing and (pause) terrible stupid.

CLIENT: Uh-huh. (pause)

THERAPIST: [00:09:57] (loud background noise/air conditioning) And that sort of makes me think of the commerical where one fighter is beating up on the other one [that the first one] (ph) really can’t defend himself any more. It’s just (inaudible at 00:10:15) enough times, like he can’t tell where the next one’s coming from, put his hands up (inaudible at 00:10:20) or something.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:10:22) (pause)

[00:11:00]

THERAPIST: Maybe that that also makes it the thing that makes it hard to talk here is that (pause) (inaudible at 00:11:27) sort of [presenting validity really to have your feeling or anything you can have for a while and to do with this.] (ph)

CLIENT: Mhm. (pause) (inaudible at 00:11:47) What’s required like (pause) (inaudible at 00:11:56) You had the class to talk to teacher but like on homework that I have and on exams I have and projects you did got an F, what is there to say?

THERAPIST: Right. (pause)

[00:13:00]

[00:14:00]

THERAPIST: I think I sound I think what kind of like, who am I in this? And my guess would be that (pause) I’m probably someone who was well intentioned, just really get what a fuck up you are. So I might have some thoughts or be trying to help but (pause) I’m sort of impressively giving you way too much credit.

CLIENT: Yep. (pause)

THERAPIST: And there must be things I’m not getting that really, I mean seriously, how much of a fuck up you are. (pause)

[00:15:00]

THERAPIST: I think there’s some reason I think I could think of like, somebody who when you were growing up might sort of say something that I intended to be supportive of your family like, “Oh yeah, you know, geez.” You know, when your parents are really mad at you you used to try and hear them out and then say what you have to say and something that -

CLIENT: Yeah. [00:16:01]

THERAPIST: Is so far away from what was ever going to help anything -

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: In your family. (pause)

CLIENT: Sometimes I didn’t even get that from teachers, school helpers (ph) -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: There was just no acknowledgment that my family was fucked up. At all.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (pause)

[00:17:00]

THERAPIST: I would maybe also think that I guess I’m wondering what it is that I don’t know, that maybe there’s like a degree of brutality in your thoughts. I don’t know. (pause) And (pause) how negatively you think of and feel towards yourself that I’m not either getting or at the very least not speaking to. [00:18:09]

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: Like how terribly pathetic and fucked up you are or I mean, I don’t know if you have very violent images like (pause) related to how bad you feel.

CLIENT: I do but usually around work not whatever it is that’s going on with my feelings about Ashley (inaudible at 00:18:53).

THERAPIST: Mhm. (pause)

[00:19:00]

THERAPIST: Are there other sort of darker thoughts along those lines that it has put out? Did you know Ashley?

CLIENT: No, mostly just the frustrated “Come one, what is your problem, this makes no sense, this is totally illogical.” (pause)

THERAPIST: Just like getting yelled at and dressed down but not quite eaten up.

CLIENT: Yep. (pause)

[00:20:00]

THERAPIST: As if for being weak and sentimental?

CLIENT: Yeah. Well, for being irrational.

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So can’t it be weak and sentimental if you have a good enough reason.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh. (pause) That the morals in here their (ph) rationality.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

[00:21:00]

THERAPIST: Although (pause) I could be wrong but I don’t think you know why you miss Ashley so much. (pause)

CLIENT: I don’t think that’s true I just think I have a conscience.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. (laughs) (pause)

CLIENT: Part of it is that Ashley believes very strongly and is very vocal about expressing his belief that everyone is a true thing but everyone has something creative to contribute to the world and that was therapeutic in some ways to be exposed to. [00:22:01]

Part of it was just how easily physical affection came to him. Not just that the sex was good, it was, but like just casual affection whenever we were hanging out together which is something that my other partners were very bad at. Like, Dave doesn’t really touch me unless we are actively engaged in foreplay or sex. Like, he doesn’t brush his hand against my shoulder while we’re cooking together or you know, lean over and kiss me when we’re sitting side by side on the couch reading our laptops for no reason other than because he can. Right? And that’s I didn’t realize that was something I really wanted and was missing in my relationships until I had it and then I didn’t anymore.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (pause)

[00:23:00]

CLIENT: And he’s really observant and has interesting things to say about what he observes in the world around him. Talking to him was never boring. (pause) Not that Dave or Lo are boring but it’s a different way of looking at the world that I found valuable and that I miss. (pause) Dave’s approach to the world is very adversarial. He notices things in order to either critique or praise them but everything has a value judgment where Ashley is reluctant to make value judgments to a fault I think but he takes it way too far in the other direction but Yeah. (pause)

[00:24:00]

THERAPIST: I guess that’s [a little more] (ph) more open?

CLIENT: Yeah. And I mean sometimes things do need to be judged and it was and still is super frustrating to me when he’s (ph) like, “Well, we should look at both sides and “

THERAPIST: (laughs) (pause)

CLIENT: I don’t know, but I miss that. I miss just the curiosity about everything and just (pause) Yeah.

[00:25:00]

THERAPIST: That curiosity, that sort of blatant (ph) supportiveness towards you and even being supportive and the physical affection?

CLIENT: Mhm. (pause)

THERAPIST: I’m wondering why you hadn’t told me that that’s what you missed. I certainly hadn’t asked.

CLIENT: (chuckles) (pause)

[00:26:00]

CLIENT: I think my friend Lucy put it best. I told her that I really miss Ashley [and that] (ph) he’s a remarkable person and she said, “Someone can be a remarkable person and not be remarkable for you.” Like, yep, that’s a very cookie (ph) way of summing it up.

THERAPIST: Uh-huh. (pause)

[00:27:00]

THERAPIST: I don’t have my head all around this but I think there is something related about you, I think, not knowing these were things you really want.

CLIENT: Mhm.

THERAPIST: Before being with Ashley. You were not telling me that earlier and more practically that these are things you really like -

CLIENT: Mhm. [00:27:53]

THERAPIST: About him or have been missing about him? And (pause) there was another thing. (pause) It might have been Well, and how much you’re missing him and missing those things (inaudible at 00:28:32).

00:29:00]

THERAPIST: Maybe something like it’s very hard for you to hold onto those things in yourself without having them confuse someone else. You know what I mean?

CLIENT: Mhm. (pause)

[00:30:00]

[00:31:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I think you might really struggle to keep yourself feeling or remembering those things. I mean, I understand you’re saying this is why you’re missing Ashley so in that way you are remembering them and -

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: knowing that they must matter a lot to you but at the same time you’re so angry at yourself -

CLIENT: Mhm.

THERAPIST: But I think that probably blocks it out. Maybe not, I don’t know but (pause) I get that it’s (ph) dangerous or something. (pause) We should stop for now. So I’ll see you next Thursday but not Wednesday?

CLIENT: I thought it was Thursday you said you were out.

THERAPIST: No, I’m out Wednesday.

CLIENT: Okay. I’ll see you on Thursday then.

THERAPIST: Okay. (pause)

[00:32:00]

THERAPIST: And (ph) I’m out Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday

CLIENT: [Wait what?] (ph)

THERAPIST: I’m out Friday afternoon then Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday.

CLIENT: Okay. (pause)

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