TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Hi.
THERAPIST: Hi.
CLIENT: So she's checking my references but I'm probably going to take the job that would mean I report Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: So I would meet with you Monday, Tuesday and Friday.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: But she hasn't offered it to me yet. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: I'm trying to focus on that. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Right. Would you be psyched to get it?
CLIENT: Yeah, I would. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: Yeah, she and her husband seem like very great and really interesting people. She's a lawyer. He's a MD PhD, doing his residency I think. Doing something. Their kids seem really great (inaudible).
THERAPIST: How old are the kids?
CLIENT: Eight months, three and six.
THERAPIST: (Unclear)
CLIENT: Good time. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yep.
CLIENT: (Laughs) That was pretty amusing.
THERAPIST: Eight months, three and six.
CLIENT: So, I had a good I think it's going to be completely exhausting but it's going to be good.
THERAPIST: Good. What are their genders?
CLIENT: The oldest is a boy and the other two are girls.
THERAPIST: And will he be I imagine he's in school if he's six.
CLIENT: I think he's five. He's starting kindergarten in the fall.
THERAPIST: Oh, okay.
CLIENT: Yeah, so they're like in pre-school a couple of days a week.
THERAPIST: Right. (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah. I had a good time.
THERAPIST: And let's see, so that would mean this time is fine. You work out the Tuesday morning time with them and then Friday I gather either 4:30 or 5:15 would be okay.
CLIENT: Yeah. Whatever time would be.
THERAPIST: Okay. Do you have a preference with those two?
CLIENT: Not really.
THERAPIST: Okay. All right. And is it worth my trying to find something Wednesday, Thursday or let's say Thursday or is that going to be pretty impossible?
CLIENT: I think if something opens up at 7:45 let me know.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: But I think otherwise it's going to be pretty impossible and it might be pretty impossible at 7:45 because I don't if the can come in late.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I think she's doing that on Tuesday.
CLIENT: Yeah. I guess the only thing I'm concerned with is that it's like a 20-minute bus ride from here to there. So I'm worried about running late on Tuesdays and then running late to get to her. I think I'll probably drive most Tuesdays.
THERAPIST: I see. You mean running late out of here.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Do you mean if we end at 8:30 or do you mean if I'm running late on Tuesday?
CLIENT: I mean if you're running late on Tuesdays. I should be a little more direct there.
THERAPIST: I will make a very concerted effort.
CLIENT: Okay. Thanks.
THERAPIST: I'll be here at 7:45.
CLIENT: Thanks. I think, yeah, it's just like working out logistics because we're still trying to get our car fixed. James's very funny. Apparently, people don't fix their own cars here. So he's like out on the street working on the car and people think he's trying to steal it. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
CLIENT: James's like, 'oh no. This really does belong to me. I do need to be here.' (Laughing)
THERAPIST: Right. (Laughs)
CLIENT: Yeah. But, yeah, and it doesn't start for it wouldn't start until mid-May so.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I know you're not here for the rest of this week Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: But, yeah.
THERAPIST: Okay. Well I'll (unclear).
CLIENT: Thanks. And if it doesn't work out I'll just go back to (inaudible).
THERAPIST: Are there possibilities still pending?
CLIENT: There's one other couple that I interviewed with that is still a possibility. I really like them. I didn't meet their kids but they have twin seven year olds, which I honestly don't know which one would be more insane. Like, two seven year olds or a three year old, six year old and eight month old.
THERAPIST: Oh, that's an easy one.
CLIENT: (Laughs) Yeah. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: I mean, it depends on how active the kids are, but things being more or less equal, the different ages (unclear).
CLIENT: Okay. I think it sounds good.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I told one of the (unclear) that I tutor for on Tuesdays that I need to quit. So I haven't heard back.
THERAPIST: So then would you keep the other two (unclear)?
CLIENT: Yeah, the one the company I work for on Saturday, I'd keep it.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: The woman is kind of insane, but I really like it.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: Yeah. She seems to like me.
THERAPIST: Good. Would that mean you'd stop looking for a job for a while?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: That would be really nice. (Laughing) I'm really hoping to get this job.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Would it take you to the fall?
CLIENT: Yeah. It would be kind of indefinitely.
THERAPIST: Okay. Not just the summer. Okay.
CLIENT: I think with 30 hours it's kind of like just barely enough but I don't really need to look for another job right away.
THERAPIST: You have the tutoring, too.
CLIENT: Yeah. And that's like the fall starts off and I really need to see how exhausted I am on Friday morning, but find a job like Monday and Friday, more tutoring jobs.
THERAPIST: Yeah. (inaudible)
(Pause): [00:07:38 00:07:51]
CLIENT: People claim to be (inaudible).
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
(Pause): [00:07:53 [00:08:02]
CLIENT: Yeah, I hadn't really told my family that I was looking for nannying jobs at all. I told Amanda about this yesterday and she was supportive of me I think. Jason's graduation is coming up (inaudible) in mid-May. Of course he is not actually, like he's walking but he's not he has to take summer classes.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Because he may have failed a couple of classes (unclear) semester. But it's a good thing.
THERAPIST: Cool.
CLIENT: And I'm sort of dreading it. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:09:03 00:09:14]
CLIENT: I'm just pretty much expecting it to be a cluster fuck -
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah. Just I don't know, my dad and my mom in the same place. It's always tense and I don't know. I don't think James really wants to go which I don't blame him. (Unclear) to go (unclear).
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: He needs to go to for a couple of weeks at some point.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So if you want to do that during this time, that would be a good excuse. That would be totally okay with them. So, it's unclear.
(Pause): [00:10:16 [00:10:26]
CLIENT: One of the priests at my church called me the other day to see how I was doing and to check in. I think I'd been kind of, the last time, two weeks ago I think I was I might have been visibly distressed. It was a tough day.
THERAPIST: Was that the one where you were supposed to read something.
CLIENT: Yeah. Anyhow, so he had asked me to read something Sunday afternoon if I could. It's this weird thing where like I'm starting to notice this mostly like at church, because I'm starting to like actually know people and I'm not able to be anonymous anymore. Like I don't actually want to be anonymous but I also sort of do.
And like I'll have conversations with people and they'll be very nice and I'll feel very welcomed and then I leave and it's like I don't get anxious about the interaction before it happens, or (unclear) before it happens, I don't really feel anxious while it's happening, and then I leave and all of a sudden it flies in on me. I'm like, 'what did I do wrong?' And I go through everything and I'm like, 'I did that wrong, and I did that wrong. And I said the wrong thing.' (Laughs) So. Last night I was by myself at church and I ended up sitting behind this woman that I think I did an inquiry class with her. I think I know her pretty well but I can't remember her name. Everybody knows her face. The time that I got to know her I think was right before the ECT so it's kind of -
THERAPIST: Gone.
CLIENT: Yeah. (Laughs) But I remember her. We talked a little bit after church and I as we talked it became very clear that like she kind of knew all about me and like all about my situation and I was like, oh, okay. That's fine. It was but you know those conversations where you can't remember the other person's name but you feel like you should? I really like her. Like she's very nice.
THERAPIST: She sounds like somebody you probably would have told all those things to.
CLIENT: Yeah, she totally is. (Laughs) Like I didn't even remember that I took an inquiry class until I think James reminded me or mentioned it. And then like, oh, that was actually like a pretty great and intense thing, wasn't it? Anyway, so.
(Pause): [00:13:37 00:13:47]
CLIENT: I've been fretting a lot. (Pause) I'm sure you're shocked.
THERAPIST: (Chuckles)
CLIENT: (Laughs) Yeah,
(Pause): [00:13:55 00:14:13]
CLIENT: It sort of feels like an improvement, like I've leveled off to fretting about what I'm wearing as opposed to other things. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: All right.
CLIENT: (Laughs) But yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah. It sounds like a bunch of this is kind of fretting about things to do with rebuilding your life.
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.
THERAPIST: It's like I would actually like to spend time with people more, socialize more. I'd like to get back in touch with my friends that I've been ignoring for the last six months. I want to do these things.
(Pause): [00:14:55 [00:15:03]
CLIENT: I'm trying to frame it as a good thing. (Pause) I'll let you know how that works out. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:15:11 00:15:32]
CLIENT: I was very anxious on the way over here and like 45-minutes before coming here and then I'm much less gold star? (Laughs) I don't know who gets it. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:15:49 00:15:57]
CLIENT: James suggested I just get a whole lot of khaki pants and button down shirts. He just wears khaki pants and button down shirts everyday. (Laughs) It's like you never have to worry.
(Pause): [00:16:16 00:16:43]
CLIENT: I am frustrated with myself because like fashion is important to me and like looking nice means looking nice within at least like this three year period of where fashions are, so maybe five years like somewhere in range and then they change and like suddenly I have something that I thought looked really wonderful five years ago, like now it doesn't anymore and I have to get new clothes and buying into an industry that I actually think is sort of evil. And so on and so on.
(Pause): [00:17:30 00:17:51]
THERAPIST: I wonder if part of the reason you were nervous on the way here was telling me about the likelihood of the job and that we'd be meeting less often.
(Pause): [00:17:57 00:18:01]
CLIENT: I was oh, I mentioned it last week and I was nervous about that.
THERAPIST: Yes.
(Pause): [00:18:07 00:18:15]
CLIENT: But I feel like I kind of already did that.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Sort of slept with it kind of thing.
(Pause): [00:18:26 00:18:43]
CLIENT: I think it's sort of like, 'I'm going to have to deal with painful things."
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes].
(Pause): [00:18:48 00:19:30]
CLIENT: I don't know. You're a person other than myself an infinite number of ways that I could fuck it up.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yeah. Sure.
(Pause): [00:19:40 00:19:55]
CLIENT: I become a lot more, or, I'm be I feel like I'm becoming a lot more tentative with James, especially (Pause) in terms of like apologizing all the time which I've worked on training myself out of; asking his permission for like to do ridiculous things like, 'do you mind if I make another cup of tea?'
THERAPIST: I see. (Laughs) Cross talk)
CLIENT: (Cross talk) need permission for. Yeah.
THERAPIST: You were back to doing that more of that stuff, apologizing to me.
CLIENT: Yeah, that's what it feels like. I think it's getting less nervous.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: I think he's dealing with it pretty well in terms of pointing out to me like, 'do you realize you just asked my permission to do this?' I guess, yes. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:20:48 00:21:16]
CLIENT: I don't know when or how I'm going to stop being so upset and angry about where my life has gone in the last year or two.
(Pause): [00:21:22 00:21:34]
CLIENT: I'm not where I hoped to be, not where I expected to be.
(Pause): [00:21:38 00:22:02]
CLIENT: You mentioned rebuilding and I feel that's what I'm very much trying to do. (Pause) Although sometimes I feel like (Pause) that means getting over it in some way.
THERAPIST: Hmm.
CLIENT: But, I'm not over it at all.
THERAPIST: Did it feel like (unclear) as well or -?
CLIENT: No. I just -
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
CLIENT: Yeah. I was just thinking (unclear) right now. I was just thinking about still being really sad and angry and thinking about, you know, finding a job.
THERAPIST: That's true.
CLIENT: Making plans. Trying to get back into life.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:23:11 00:23:44]
CLIENT: It was sweet when Franco said that playing board games with us was the highlight of his week.
(Pause): [00:23:51 00:24:04]
CLIENT: Kind of (unclear) Yeah.
(Pause): [00:24:04 00:24:08]
CLIENT: Yeah, whenever on Saturday, I made another cake and told Franco there would be cake.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Yeah. Like (unclear) and chocolate. And I was having a very, very bad day and it was just really, really fun anyway.
THERAPIST: That's great.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:24:35 00:25:23]
CLIENT: I feel like with Franco, it's been a long time since I'd talked to him about anything that mattered really. But he's someone that I know just knows me really, really well and I don't worry when I'm with him. You know, I can go over and say I'm sorry, I'm having a really terrible day and then (unclear) it's okay.
(Pause): [00:26:13 00:26:51]
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.
(Pause): [00:26:54 00:27:09]
CLIENT: He's really smart.
(Pause): [00:27:11 00:27:33]
CLIENT: I feel like, I don't know whether you count cards when you play cards but like playing with someone and you realize that they know all the cards and they know where they all are. And it's like it doesn't occur to him that not everybody else does that.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: James does it too, but I think he knows that not everybody else does that and he's not just keeping track of his own hand, he's keeping track of like everybody else's and he just knows where everything is.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:28:16 00:28:24]
CLIENT: It's formidable.
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:28:28 00:28:32]
CLIENT: He said that a colleague told him recently that he's getting overlooked in the department because he's not assertive enough, because he doesn't talk himself up. Which -
THERAPIST: He's in social science?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Which I can see.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
CLIENT: I think that's hard for him. And I think it's really hard for me.
(Pause): [00:29:09 00:29:28]
CLIENT: But somebody told me that, well obviously, but -
(Pause): [00:29:31 00:29:38]
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:29:39 00:29:50]
CLIENT: We kind of like, we were playing along and James kind of threw that out there about what happened and (unclear) said, 'yeah, that really sucks, I'm sorry.' And then yeah, and we just went back to the game.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:30:02 00:31:29]
CLIENT: It's easier not to (unclear) anything. I wasn't smart enough for James when I was in school.
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:31:38 00:32:15]
CLIENT: One of the reasons I probably a much bigger factor for me than I admitted at the time in going to grad school in the first place was that I thought he felt like I was stagnating if I wasn't in school.
(Pause): [00:32:29 [00:32:33]
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Is that he said he felt like I was stagnating at work.
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: I don't know if I told you about -
THERAPIST: You mean stagnating like -
CLIENT: Like intellectually.
THERAPIST: (Unclear)wise?
(Pause): [00:32:46 00:33:06]
CLIENT: I'm a little pissed about that.
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:33:07 00:33:39]
CLIENT: Yeah, angry at him for saying it but I'm also angry at myself for trusting his perception of me more than my own.
THERAPIST: Hmm.
(Pause): [00:33:53 00:34:09]
CLIENT: You know, if I'd said, 'go to hell, this is what I want to be doing,' like he would have supported me in that.
THERAPIST: Yeah. And so that part of it kind of (inaudible)?
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:34:18 00:35:38]
CLIENT: But, I've already (inaudible) before.
(Pause): [00:35:42 00:35:48]
CLIENT: (Laughing) (Unintelligible)
THERAPIST: Right. Yeah. I (unclear) that you're like in some ways very pleased and very relieved to be (unclear) from how things have been and also really worried about getting knocked back down for really upset (unclear) when that comes up.
CLIENT: Yeah. It's hard to tell whether I am actually making any progress. You know some days I feel like I'm doing much better some days I feel like nothing is changing. So -
(Pause): [00:36:39 00:36:49]
CLIENT: You know I've spent the last few days being really sad and anxious and thinking about suicide a lot and but then I think about what I'm sad and anxious about and that there are better things than -
THERAPIST: Um hmm [yes]. (Unclear).
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.
THERAPIST: Yeah. So. Is James going to be critical of you for having a nanny job rather than you're never going to have a job ever?
CLIENT: Yes. Exactly.
(Pause): [00:37:39 00:37:42]
CLIENT: It's what I kind of experience his saying.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:37:46 00:38:25]
THERAPIST: Yeah, I guess that sort of highlights the intensity with which you were on yourself about not working or being able to work, or being depressed, in other words, the kind of awfulness at yourself but then there's also like (unclear) you're being critical of yourself for it not being able to do things. (inaudible).
CLIENT: I'm not quite following you. I'm sorry.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I mean, like yeah, I was very critical of myself but I don't see the connection.
THERAPIST: Yeah, okay.
(Pause): [00:39:15 00:39:21]
THERAPIST: I guess what I'm saying is -
(Pause): [00:39:25 00:39:32]
THERAPIST: And that seems to be a pretty important factor, is like your judgment is really intense, is really critical of how you're doing, and I guess I hear like you're worried now because it sounds like a new iteration of that and worried to see the same (unclear) and maybe a little milder.
CLIENT: I keep thinking that if I do something, can do better, I can give myself a break but when it comes to it I can't really so I yeah.
THERAPIST: Although it does sound like it's not as bad.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Maybe sometimes, maybe other times it's not as much.
CLIENT: I think it's mostly not as bad.
THERAPIST: That's good.
CLIENT: Yeah. You know, it can be not as bad and still pretty bad.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: So.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:40:47 00:41:12]
CLIENT: You know I never felt particularly proud I feel like I never felt particularly proud of myself as like a PhD student. Except for the day that I got in sort of thing. But then like after I left that was something that I realized that I couldn't really profit on myself being (unclear).
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: But it didn't really enter into my calculations when I was there.
THERAPIST: Yes.
(Pause): [00:41:49 00:42:59]
CLIENT: Yeah, I guess an analogy, you know sort of like going back to the clothes. It's like when I first started feeling good about the way I dressed. Well, I still sort of felt like I was ugly but I never worried about it when I felt I looked nice. I could like set it aside for a second.
(Pause): [00:43:26 [00:43:42]
CLIENT: I didn't really feel I was smart enough to be married to James or smart enough for James to continue to be interested in what I had to say, but you know, I was a PhD student.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah. I haven't not had to think about it all the time.
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:44:11 00:44:35]
THERAPIST: Yeah, well, so okay. So let's I mean I guess that's one way to express that but I don't think it's exactly right in that both the clothes and the (unclear) are I don't know, but it seems to me both things are like what you wanted in some ways but things that were important that they were actually for you, that they were things you liked.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Because (unclear) -
CLIENT: Things that I wanted for myself.
THERAPIST: Yeah. That seems to be important.
CLIENT: (inaudible)
-(Pause): [00:45:20 00:45:25]
THERAPIST: Let's stop.
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