TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: Hi. I got the job.
THERAPIST: Congratulations!
CLIENT: Yeah. Thank you.
THERAPIST: So, next week 7:45?
CLIENT: Well, the week after that.
THERAPIST: The week after that?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: And actually I'm not starting until Wednesday. It's okay. I'm thinking I'll probably end up driving on Tuesdays anyway because I don't know exactly when the buses run but I think it's unlikely that it will run exactly the 20 minutes (unclear).
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: So.
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Thanks.
THERAPIST: Congratulations.
CLIENT: Thanks. I'm very pleased.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: She said she was excited, too (inaudible).
THERAPIST: Sounds great.
CLIENT: Yeah. I really like the woman, which is a great benefit to the job I wanted. Both she and her husband seem great.
THERAPIST: Oh, good.
CLIENT: So you know, I'll (inaudible). (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Cool.
CLIENT: But we'll find out.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: (inaudible)
THERAPIST: (inaudible)
CLIENT: Yeah, I guess it's just that time of year.
(Pause): [00:01:38 00:01:42]
CLIENT: Yeah, James gets pretty bad allergies sometimes. I tend not to, or if I do, I just think I have a cold and don't do anything about it.
(Pause): [00:01:49 00:02:19]
CLIENT: So we were watching Buffy last night, the one that's an episode from the third season that's centered on like an abusive relationship and it's always, it's a pretty well drawn pictures of abuse and pretty hard for me to watch. Anyhow it gets less hard but so last night we were talking about it afterwards and I realized that like it was one of those times where I was just sensitive enough and on edge enough that like I would have to be right and like I would have to be completely right, but that's not a good way to have a conversation. So I just pulled it back and it was like I can't really talk about it right now which he wasn't thrilled about.
He didn't really say anything, he just you know, went away and (unclear) by myself for a while. I guess what I I don't know what I'm getting at I think, you know I've been with James for like, since I was 19, so eight years now and I still react to him as though it was an abusive relationship, like the way I expect him to act. Like the things I do are still the thing that really is not good. I think probably a lot of but he decided that that was the time that he needed to fix the door to the bathroom. He got out a screwdriver and started like messing around with it. And I just like there is like some banging and I was just on edge on my seat like the loud noises were really bothering me.
(Pause): [00:05:27 00:05:53]
CLIENT: I just keep expecting him to yell at me.
(Pause): [00:05:56 00:06:23]
CLIENT: And then I think well I play the one-half of an abusive relationship so perfectly (inaudible) lead him into (inaudible) the other half.
(Pause): [00:06:35 00:06:56]
THERAPIST: I imagine that makes you kind of anxious that he does that (inaudible) in that it leaves you always kind of wondering what will provoke that or when he'll finally get there.
CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
(Pause): [00:07:21 [00:07:28]
CLIENT: Like it's always coming.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:07:28 00:07:59]
CLIENT: Plus (unclear) would be a relief.
(Pause): [00:08:06 00:08:28]
CLIENT: (Unclear) if I'm better. I'm not expecting that. I deal better with having fights sometimes. I'm just not (unclear) with him very well right now.
(Pause): [00:08:51 00:09:02]
CLIENT: Like sometimes before I have that, some (unclear) I talk myself down like, 'no, James's not going to freak out at you. It's okay to be upset. It's okay to not be completely in agreement at every moment. This is how James works. Like this is how he deals with anger. Let him do it. Leave him alone. It'll be okay. You know, it's like the kind of good self-talk. I can do it sometimes. (inaudible). I always have to do it consciously. Like the minute we hit conflict I have to tell myself these things.
(Pause): [00:09:54 00:10:43]
CLIENT: Yeah, it's been a really long time since (inaudible).
(Pause): [00:10:51 00:10:55]
CLIENT: I don't know when I'll get over it.
(Pause): [00:10:57 00:11:57]
CLIENT: The things we were talking about that I had to stop talking about was, one the kind of idea the victim would be. One of the reviews of this episode the (unclear) said you know, the girlfriend who's getting hit ended up getting killed by the boyfriend and he basically said like she was just stupid. Like she got killed because she was stupid and stayed with him.
THERAPIST: I see. The reviewer.
CLIENT: And what I was saying and what a couple of comments to that and James was pretty much agreeing with me was like, no, that's not how abuse works. It's not about being stupid. Yeah. It has nothing to do with intelligence.
(Pause): [00:13:06 00:13:22]
CLIENT: I think James wanted to say which is what I kind of agree with, but wasn't able to talk about (chuckles) that but like, an abusive relationship is still a relationship, like the responsibility isn't just on, in other words is not just the abuser's fault. Like, it's -
(Pause): [00:13:46 00:13:57]
CLIENT: That it can't happen without two people. But (inaudible) last night.
(Pause): [00:14:08 00:14:41]
CLIENT: I mean I think I did the right thing. You know, like I just can't talk about it.
(Pause): [00:14:45 00:14:54]
CLIENT: I'm not sure I would be able to do that.
(Pause): [00:14:57 00:16:23]
THERAPIST: I imagine you usually (unclear) when it starts to feel like you're being treated really badly (unclear) whether that's actually going on or not.
(Pause): [00:16:52 00:16:55]
CLIENT: Yeah. It never feels like I'm being treated (unclear). It never felt like I was being treated badly until afterward.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: I guess sometimes, most of the time like it was the next day acted like, oh, that was really not okay (unclear) speak to me, was it? I'm like, that wasn't fair.
(Pause): [00:17:24 [00:17:39]
CLIENT: (inaudible) seems predictable.
(Pause): [00:17:41 00:18:00]
CLIENT: I talked to Papa yesterday about the job and he is very happy and supportive. I swear, everything yeah. Yeah, I get cranky with him. Every time I talk to him about work in the last three months not three months, since he's decided to make his career change he's told me that he's taking an 80% cut in pay next year.
THERAPIST: I see. Every single time.
CLIENT: Every single time. I'm like, 'yup, yes I know. Yup. And -
(Pause): [00:18:47 00:19:23]
CLIENT: This is sort of what I mean when I say like (unclear) like (unclear), tells stories that like he thinks are cute and there's like some conspiracy among everyone who hears them to think they're charming and I don't really find them charming. Like yeah. (Unclear) is supposed to be like this erudite guy and like, 'I'm sorry, I don't think it's a good use of your knowledge to lecture people about Latin.' That would drive me insane. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Do you like Latin?
CLIENT: And I like Latin. Yeah. All the things that he likes, actually, I like to talk about. I just -
(Pause): [00:20:21 [00:20:27]
CLIENT: Information is a stick.
(Pause): [00:20:28 00:20:35]
CLIENT: And it's like because he's in this position of power, he gets to do that. Like nobody else gets to do tell stories that nobody else is interested in.
(Pause): [00:20:51 00:21:16]
CLIENT: I don't know what to do with that. There is such a disconnect.
(Pause): [00:21:20 00:21:29]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) feel like excuses. Like with the 80% pay cut. Maybe there's always been a reason he's done that enough time, enough money. That kind of (unclear) for you, not enough money for whatever it was.
(Pause): [00:21:53 00:22:26]
CLIENT: Yeah, on the one hand I really support him, his changing careers two years well maybe not two years before he retires. I feel like he could have waited another two years and gotten the whole pension. And then (laughs).
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: He's like he's 63 so in two years he would, instead of taking a reduced pension, instead of all of it by leaving now instead of in two years, he could stick it out another two years, but at the same time, you know, I think he, yes, absolutely like do what's going to feed your soul. Yes. But if you're going to do it, don't whine about money.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Yeah. It would be okay to tell me about the money once and you know, you know like three times because he forgets that he's already told me, but don't get I'm not going to give you a cookie for it in the future. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Like James and I are or were graduate students. Like we get not making very much money because it's what you love to do and like if you want to go nine rounds for who's poorer, I'm pretty sure we're still going to win. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
CLIENT: So. And I don't know. I don't know. It's not that clear for me.
THERAPIST: Is it more along the lines of getting it have to be about him?
CLIENT: Yeah, sort of. You know. He was kind of talking about the job and saying, yeah, that's not very much money but it's about enough, you know. We hope it's going to be enough. And he said, yeah, my first job was I was paid $8 a day. Great. Like great. Yeah. Did I feel bad for actually still wanting it to be about me? Well, as much as (unclear) can think. You know, it's like if I try to take back the conversation aren't I just doing exactly what he did in taking it in the first place?
THERAPIST: Hmm.
(Pause): [00:25:26 00:26:56]
CLIENT: There's such a disconnect between like even that kind of (unclear) but whatever, I can deal with it as an adult. I can deal with it. I can't deal with the things that he used to do and the way he used to be. And like the way he was when I was living with him or like was dependent on him.
(Pause): [00:27:27 00:27:46]
THERAPIST: (Unclear)
(Pause): [00:27:46 00:27:58]
CLIENT: I don't know how to be in conflict with somebody without (unclear) like he's done because, you know, they've I am convinced they're going to explode in an absolutely devastating way. (Crying)
(Pause): [00:28:17 00:28:22]
CLIENT: You know, but sometimes it doesn't matter where that came from. Like I still have to deal with it. You know. It's my responsibility now.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: And, yeah.
(Pause): [00:28:44 00:29:27]
CLIENT: I feel like what I'm trying to talk about is more complicated than I talk about. (Crying) This is probably always the case (unclear) you know (unclear) all the time.
(Pause): [00:29:35 00:30:01]
THERAPIST: It maybe also, isn't it a (unclear) as well where he's (unclear) to be talking about it?
(Pause): [00:30:21 00:30:30]
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:30:32 00:30:39]
CLIENT: Yeah, like this whole thing is just this big bruise.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:30:47 00:30:57]
CLIENT: I feel like he didn't even, yeah, like show any (unclear) admitting despair, just a meditation so that somebody would punch it. (Laughs)
(Pause): [00:31:06 [00:31:42]
CLIENT: One of the things that's been hard about being depressed is having to have things be about me.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Prob yeah.
CLIENT: I ready for that to be over. (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Yeah. Especially with (unclear).
CLIENT: I don't know. It's been out there. It's hard to create a hierarchy. (Laughs) Yeah. I guess the hard thing is I want it to be about me and I kind of automatically distrust that desire or am ashamed of it.
(Pause): [00:32:44 00:33:05]
CLIENT: It's like it's sort of, well it's probably not new, but it feels new for it to bother me so much when Papa makes stories about him.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Right.
(Pause): [00:33:19 00:33:24]
CLIENT: I feel like usually I'm just (inaudible) you know. Often, they're pretty good stories.
THERAPIST: I see.
(Pause): [00:33:33 00:34:42]
CLIENT: I don't think I've ever heard anybody (unclear) talking as much, so much.
(Pause): [00:34:50 00:35:01]
CLIENT: (inaudible) for other people to be upset.
THERAPIST: Oh, I see. I see. (Unclear) from there?
CLIENT: Not like from there, but I don't but maybe is it coming from outside? I don't know.
THERAPIST: (Unclear) what the waiting room is for, but -
(Pause): [00:35:12 00:35:22]
THERAPIST: It's distracting though.
CLIENT: Yeah. But you know, (unclear) looking for distractions.
(Pause): [00:35:30 00:36:14]
THERAPIST: Well it kind of seems to me like you're thinking is between the way you're (unclear) tentative many things about and the aspect of these (unclear) of relationships that involve that as well that would (unclear) to -
(Pause): [00:36:43 00:36:54]
CLIENT: I don't know. I don't know -
(Pause): [00:37:03 00:37:19]
CLIENT: It's like every time he would tell stories about the hardships of his youth was definitely something that I don't know what he meant to be doing but in practice he just made me feel like I didn't have the right to need things. And I don't, yeah, I don't know.
(Pause): [00:37:54 00:38:08]
CLIENT: I think in some ways it feels like there has been this real break between, a real gap between the ways he used to act that were like most destructive to me and the ways he acts now and in some ways things haven't really changed very much but I don't know what the difference is. I think it's hard for me to (unclear).
(Pause): [00:38:41 00:39:48]
CLIENT: In a way part of it is thinking why do I keep responding to conflict in the same ways? Why -
(Pause): [00:40:02 [00:40:06]
CLIENT: Why do I still have to placate James when there's you know it's not just what he does that is like when he might get upset in the future. (Laughs) When somewhere -
(Pause): [00:40:24 00:40:32]
CLIENT: Yes. It's like I think he's incredibly fragile or something.
(Pause): [00:40:40 00:40:52]
THERAPIST: To me it looks like you sort of have the puzzle pieces out on the table in front of you and the ones that fit together are kind of near to each other and I'm not dying to put them together.
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: Because it's painful.
CLIENT: To me it's like I've been trying to see the connections and I'm trying to see all of the connections and I can't get it.
THERAPIST: Yeah, although I know you're sort of seeming to build but not all of them seem to quite connect things up.
CLIENT: But you're saying that I kind of just don't want to connect things up? Okay.
(Pause): [00:41:59 00:42:21]
THERAPIST: Often like it's overwhelmingly painful, it just really hurts when you sort of see like, recover things about your childhood that were really awful.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:42:51 00:43:03]
THERAPIST: Which I think there's a kind of edginess to.
(Pause): [00:43:07 00:43:19]
THERAPIST: And I think sometimes what's happened is I'll sort of make the connections for you or jump in and sum it up with both feet and -
(Pause): [00:43:33 00:43:46]
THERAPIST: And it feels like I'm being (unclear) and it's just overwhelming for you.
(Pause): [00:43:52 00:44:07]
CLIENT: But at the same time I'm sort of waiting for you to do that.
THERAPIST: Uh huh [yes].
(Pause): [00:44:11 00:44:38]
CLIENT: I sort of think like is it fair still to be angry at him for the things he did 20 years ago? Like -
(Pause): [00:44:50 00:45:07]
CLIENT: Like when he worked pretty hard to change and -
(Pause): [00:45:09 00:45:18]
CLIENT: But those things don't go away.
(Pause): [00:45:21 00:45:23]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: (Crying)
(Pause): [00:45:23 00:45:41]
THERAPIST: Not the things that you have strong feelings about.
CLIENT: I'm sorry?
THERAPIST: Not the things that you have strong feelings about.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: (inaudible).
END TRANSCRIPT
