TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Good morning.

CLIENT: Good morning. (pause) (sigh) I don’t know what to start with. I’m going to Missouri next weekend; it’s a terrible decision, but my family’s on my case. My youngest sister is graduating from grad school.

I don’t want to go; I have too much stuff going on. But a lot of the stuff going on is stuff that I have very carefully not told my family about, so as far as they know like when we talk on the phone, they’re like “So what’s new in your life?” I’m like “Nothing; go to work; come home; sleep; I’m bored.” So they’re like “You’re not doing anything, why can’t you come?” [0:01:03] (sigh)

But given the way my mom flipped out when I told her I was taking lessons, like, I can’t tell them anything. And also, they’re now making the argument that they wanted to come to my grad school graduation, and I told them no, which is not at all how I remember it.

How I remember it is, you know, Mom and Dad, over the course of many months, every time we talked about my graduation, would make noises about how it’s going to be so hard, because they can’t drive from Missouri to [] overnight, because Krista’s graduation was the day before mine. And “you know how your dad doesn’t like airports, and he hasn’t flown since 9/11.” That’s a lie, by the way. He absolutely has flown for work, and for professional obligations, and to go to a fucking conference in Key West. (sigh)

“But it’s too far to drive in one night, and you know, we can’t ask your dad to pull an all-nighter, and you know how he is about airports, and you know he can’t fly and blah, blah, blah.” And so after like three months of this, I said, “Well, you know, graduations aren’t as important to me as they are to Krista. I don’t even know if I’m going to go, because commencement addresses are boring. Ahhh whatever. [0:02:26]

But now they’re saying I forbade them to come. When I only conceded after they had hounded me for like three months about how terrible it was going to be if I asked them to come. (sigh) So now I’m questioning myself, did I misunderstand? Were they just griping about the travel because they like to gripe, was that not? Then hinting that they didn’t want to come? (sigh) (pause)

I mean of course I didn’t tell them either that my feelings were deeply hurt that they went to Krista’s graduation and not mine. (pause) Because, you know, what good would it do? [0:03:33] (pause)

THERAPIST: It’s hard to stomach how awful it can be.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I don’t want to go on this trip; it’s Mother’s Day weekend; it’s going to be a pain in the ass. [0:04:40] (sneeze)

THERAPIST: Bless you. (pause)

CLIENT: Like I have a group of friends here who all have conflicted feelings about Mother’s Day, and so we celebrate Motherless Children’s Day.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I’ve been doing that for a couple of years, and I’m going to miss it this year because of this stupid graduation trip, and it’s – I don’t know. Dave is going with me at least, because the last time me going by myself was catastrophically bad. (pause) [0:05:22]-[0:06:22] (pause)

It’s just – it’s so hugely frustrating that I have no idea what my parents are thinking, because like my dad makes a very big deal about how he always speaks his mind, and he doesn’t keep secrets, and he very forthright. Except those are all fucking lies. He plays head games, and he tells people lies about how he’s feeling, and then he gets upset when they don’t understand like what’s going on in his head. [0:07:13]

I’ve seen him do this to his to brother and sisters before; he will completely lie at them; “Totally fine, I wasn’t insulted, blah, blah, blah.” Then six months later he’ll explode at them over “How come you never apologized for x?” And I’ll be like “You said x was fine.” He was like “You should have known.”

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And it’s just (sigh) and then my mom will often think she knows what my dad wants better than he does, then she’ll go and talk to people behind his back, and be like “All he wants blah, blah, blah.” Sometimes she’s right, but a lot of the time, she’s wrong, then like – so I don’t know. Maybe they did want to come to my graduation; maybe they did think I told them not to come. And then I’ll feel like an asshole. (pause)

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 0:08:01), one is (pause) I don’t know for sure, not having been there, but my strong suspicion is that you are (pause) sort of bending what you are pretty sure has been the case. (pause) In a way that like letting them off the hook, and sort of felt punitive at the same time. (pause)

Probably if that’s true, because I’m thinking it may be pretty hard to tolerate just how fucking awful they can be. And yet, (pause) all I have is like (chuckle) (inaudible at 0:09:11) just don’t fucking go. You know, probably even if (inaudible at 0:09:17), it’s probably better to pay not to go, than to go. (laughter) It all of a sudden came up for work. And even if they think it’s a lie; feel it’s a lie; know it’s a lie, who cares? Like that’s the currency anyway.

CLIENT: Yeah, that’s true.

THERAPIST: No one’s getting anywhere near the truth, so what the hell?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I guess I might (laughter) my hesitation in saying is not a hesitation thinking it’s probably right; I think it probably is right. (pause) It’s more like I’m not quite sure what role that puts me in, or I’ll have to think about that. But that is actually (chuckle) what I think. [0:10:05]

You come from every visit with them during which I’ve known you, feeling horrible, horrible, horrible, to the extent that like at least it’s been my impression, you’ve kind of only been able to talk about bits and pieces of it. But it’s been hard to get a full extent of the horror of it.

You usually feel pretty miserable the few days before you go, as you kind of get closer to feeling and knowing what it’s going to be like. (pause) I haven’t – there may be something redeeming, but I haven’t heard that yet, that comes from your visits with them.

CLIENT: I think that temporarily this relieves my guilt of her not being a good enough daughter. [0:11:11] (pause)

THERAPIST: I don’t – (have anything) (ph) that like comes close (pause) I could be wrong about this; my chances is more on exercise and making yourself feel horrible than anything else. Like (pause)

CLIENT: I feel very much like I owe them something; I’m not sure what, but (pause)

THERAPIST: I guess part of what I’m saying is that it seems plausible to me, although I’m not sure about it, that you (pause) that it’s hard to stomach how awful they can be, and awful they can treat you, and that you sort of in a way, prop them up, feeling like you owe them something, or maybe they’re actually right, or more honest, or straight forward and you’re just screwed up in your head, in some way that you don’t really see or something like that. [0:13:07]

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) [0:14:07] (pause) In other news, my friend Katie e-mailed me this morning in a complete panic, because Brian’s going to be at [the conference] (ph) this weekend. So Brian’s the former friend, the one whose girlfriend (kissed and was raping) (ph) her a few winters ago.

THERAPIST: Yeah, I remember; in Canada maybe?

CLIENT: Yeah. [] is this big three-day long festival.

THERAPIST: [The conference] (ph) the Harvard thing?

CLIENT: Yeah. So a lot of people are coming in from out of town; I’m going for the first time since like 2006, just because [the conference] was never my thing; I never really enjoyed it even when I was a student.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So once I graduated, there’s no reason to go. But this year there’s enough people who I haven’t seen, and who live far enough away, that I’m going and will get to see them. So Katie’s in a complete panic about Brian coming to [the conference)].

THERAPIST: Katie’s (been the one you’re with?) (ph)

CLIENT: No, Katie is – Katie is Katie; Katie and I have known each other since we were freshmen. Katie is best friends with Lori, who is one of my close friends.

THERAPIST: Yeah, Lori is Lo’s?

CLIENT: Yes. And Katie and I have never gotten along; it’s always been the oil and water with us.

THERAPIST: Okay. (inaudible at 0:15:33).

CLIENT: But for Lo’s sake, we have been making an effort to like be civil to each other, and also as we’ve gotten older, we’ve both mellowed out a little bit. It’s not been nearly as oil and water; it’s more like mold and – but (chuckle) and Katie has started participating in like science fiction fandom and places where I’ve participated in.

And so like it’s just – for the sake of everyone, it’s best if we learn to get along. So we’ve been talking a little bit on IM. Katie was one of the first people that Stacey, Brian’s girlfriend, called after it happened.

THERAPIST: Katie’s close with Stacey.

CLIENT: Yeah. (sigh) But Stacey didn’t really have any friends of her own, so Katie was the only person she could think of to call, and wouldn’t immediately take Brian’s side. [0:16:29]

THERAPIST: I see.

CLIENT: So, Katie also used to date Ashley; Katie also used to date another one of my ex’s. It’s a social circle that was incestuous. But anyway, so Katie is super upset, and sent an all caps like e-mail full of feelings. And I looked at it, and I was just like, you know, if this had happened last year; if I ever planned on going to – if I had gone to (Vanessa) (ph) last year, I would have been very upset.

But I just have no emotional energy left between my family, and Cricket, and her drama, and just – and still feeling bad about Ashley, even though it’s been five months now, and I really should just get over it. I just – (pause) think about the thought of running into her, often just – man, I cannot tell you – bring myself to feel any kind of fear or anxiety, which on one hand, I’m not feeling fear or anxiety, but on the other hand, like when I’m at a level, I’m a little bit worried that I don’t feel anything about this at all. [0:17:44] (pause)

THERAPIST: Like obviously maybe she’s feeling a little horrified? (pause) [0:19:00] (pause) Okay, I guess you’re kind of shut down from all the other stuff?

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: Here I am, especially in [how you deal with your family] (ph) – it’s just brutal.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And the chances are, it’s like, it’s (harder) (ph) to get out, and you’re already feeling pretty completely beat up.

CLIENT: Yeah. I keep telling myself, it’s only 36 hours, but I don’t know. Last time it was less than that; last time it wasn’t even a full 24 hours, and I was a wreck for weeks afterwards. I have so much work to do on the book, and with the church school, and commitments I’ve made. [0:20:26]

You know, so there’s the Sunday School at church, and I’m on another church committee, and I have a book to do, and I’m on like four panels and I’ve got to find to do the reading for those somewhere. Like I can’t – I can’t afford to spend like a week completely unable to do anything, except drive myself to work, and then like I just – I can’t. (sigh) (pause)

But my family’s going to make me miserable if don’t go. (pause) There’s no winning. [0:21:07] (pause)

THERAPIST: (And I imagine,) (ph) you probably have more control over how they’re making you miserable if you didn’t go.

CLIENT: That’s true.

THERAPIST: You know, (inaudible at 0:22:00). And, you know, pretty e-mails if you want to; and you don’t have to read all of them. (pause)

CLIENT: I’m still angry about (pause) (sigh) when my grandmother died, before I was in grad school, and I went down for the funeral. And at the time, I had this part-time gig doing game reviews for extra money to supplement my grad student stipend.

THERAPIST: I think you mentioned it to me.

CLIENT: Yeah, so you know, I went to her funeral, and my grandmother and I were never close; I wasn’t even going to go to the funeral, except that I knew the rest of the family would be dicks to my mother, and she needed someone there she could count on. [0:23:18]

And I was right; everyone in the family, including my father and my sisters were giant dicks to my mother, and I was the only one who was thinking about her feelings at all. (sigh) But anyway, I went, and I had a ton of work to do for school, and I also had some reviews that were due for site I was freelancing for. So whenever there was downtime, I had my laptop out, and my dad came over, and he was like, “You aren’t working; you’re playing a game.”

So I explained to him that I have this job; I play games, then I write reviews, and I have a deadline, and I’m going to get paid like $200 for this review. But I can’t review the game until I play it. And he just sat there making fun of me, saying that my head was in the clouds, and I lived in a dream world, and I didn’t understand how the real world works, or how to make money. And don’t I understand that this is not how you make money? Like my head is in the clouds. “Oh God, why me? Why is my child so flighty?” I was like, “I am hustling to make money to supplement my stipend. I understand very well how to make money. In fact, I’ve figured out how to make money doing something that is relatively enjoyable for me.” [0:24:23]

But he just went on and on about how I was so stupid and didn’t understand how the world worked. It was just – (sigh). There was another visit; I can’t remember when, or what the circumstances were, but I was in Missouri, and staying with Krista, and Jane was at school, and I can’t remember if she was at Missouri State, or if she’d already gone to Southern Mississippi at this point.

THERAPIST: [How would this be cleared?] (ph) like “He was being crazy.”

CLIENT: Yes. And correct, which is the part I’ve been focused on.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: (chuckle)

THERAPIST: Right. But I think both are true, I mean (inaudible at 0:25:05) crazy. You’re in grad school for engineering. By the way, it’s like, I’m just not clicking to make money. You came down to the funeral, which you didn’t have to do.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And (pause)

CLIENT: But not that my dad cared about the funeral; that was – he also told my mother, “Oh don’t cry, you know, your mother always was mean to you on the phone, and made you miserable and now you never have to talk to her again.” Which (sigh), while true, my grandmother was horrible person, and she was abusive to my mother, and every time they talked on the phone, my mom would get off the phone and cry for hours.

And she’s probably better off without Granny in her life, but not the thing to say at a funeral; not the thing to say out loud forever, except in, you know, maybe the privacy of a therapist’s office or a confessional booth. But like, (sigh) there are plenty of true things (chuckle) that don’t need to be said out loud. [0:26:10]

No, he’s just (pause) yeah. (pause) (sigh) [0:27:00] (pause)

THERAPIST: So, like pretty (crazed) (ph) and unmarkable, (pause) that he’s treating that way, and has very little to do with anything you might do to (inaudible at 0:28:14).

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: To make things better. (pause) A lot of times, that’s not the case, but it seems to be with him.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) (sigh) [0:29:14] (pause) My neck and shoulders are tense; I wonder why? (pause) [0:30:23]-[0:31:23] (pause) (sigh)

THERAPIST: I guess it’s very stressful to think about.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) [0:32:23]-[0:33:23] (pause)

THERAPIST: And it’s funny too that in the sort of – I mean even then in a short term, in a way that they’ve been saying are making you feel more stressed actually.

CLIENT: (chuckle) I don’t know if it’s possible to make me feel more stressed. (laughter) So what do you mean?

THERAPIST: Well, (pause) hard to think about how cruel and how crazy he can be, and be here like – [0:34:21]

CLIENT: Live in his distorted fantasy world, where he can do no wrong?

THERAPIST: Well, or maybe to be kind of – yeah to stomach that, I mean, in certain ways I guess; when you’re his oldest daughter. (pause)

CLIENT: I guess in some way, it’s his fault, but I can now see that the emperor has no (clues) (ph), because he’s one who pushed me my whole life to get my education, and develop critical thinking skills, and learn to think for myself, and for all the wrong reasons of course, because he wanted me to be able to make lots of money when I grew up.

But still, like it had the effect of like developing my critical thinking skills. (sigh) He’s the one who refused to teach me any religion, or take me to (inaudible at 0:35:57). I suspect if I had grown up, actually (inaudible at 0:36:02) only, it would have been much harder for me to break away. But (pause) yeah. (pause)

And he dropped this on himself. I also [thought him to be a little manipulative] (ph) sociopathic jackass. (pause)

THERAPIST: Actually, can we stop now?

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