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CLIENT: You know, just paying you every week and whatever.

THERAPIST: Instead of every session?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I mean ideally what I'd like to do is just pay a little bit extra each week that way it just kind of....

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: (thumping) Cool. I'm like completely unable to concentrate. I'm having, I realize there's a few things going on, well that's a problem, not the problem, that's the thing. There's a lot going on. It's like I'm really having trouble. I'm just having trouble concentrating. Yesterday I was able to write a bunch of paragraphs for this reading or talk I'm going to give so that felt good. Just kind of like remarks for myself or just notes and things like that so that was cool but I'm just....I don't know, this is like my Achilles heel, it's like I can't concentrate when things are bad, I can't concentrate when things are good. It's, I don't know how to work on this anymore but...Then I'm like "Am I being too hard on myself? No I don't think I am." [00:01:19] Like some things I'm calling myself on, like for example, the record. I know that's making me anxious, this and that, and I also know that I caught myself. I'm trying not to do what I did with the book. In other words I've already forgotten, there's a part of me that's forgotten about the record. I sent an e-mail to my band mates "Alright, thinking about the next record, the sound, deadlines, we should try to have rough mixes..." I wanted to, that's good but I don't want to, it's like I'm already thinking "I can do this better. We're going to have better songs and we're..." So I'm catching myself on that, I want to just savor this, you know? I made a record. I want to...I'm just like scattered so there's like...

THERAPIST: I was wondering what you mean when you say, it sounds obvious but I actually don't know exactly what you mean when you say you're having trouble concentrating. What happens? [00:02:21]

CLIENT: Maybe that I'm concentrating, maybe whatever the step is beyond motivation, like actually doing, do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: That's....because concentration would mean you start something and then you can't concentrate on it.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: But I'm not even starting it. So...I don't know. If I tell any of my friends this 99 percent of them are like "Dude, so let me get this straight. You're putting out a record...." They'll take it the other way "Yeah that's called living and wanting to not do so much every single fucking day." They're like "What do you think we do? We work, we come home and watch Fringe." So some of that I get but then part me is like "That's not me though." I'm like ridiculously driven and super ambitious and I feel like I have something more to give. [00:03:25] I don't know.

THERAPIST: I think that's part of what's important, to you, that may work for them but for you it does feel like there are things that you are really wanting to do and devote yourself to that is very hard to get yourself to do, to actually do.

CLIENT: That's right. Especially when they're not like pipe dreams.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Do you know what I mean? Like I've written a book, I've made records, I'm not saying I want to learn to snowboard.

THERAPIST: Learn to bowl?

CLIENT: It's not like I want to be a great snowboarder now or something. So yeah that's...all I can think of because this has been going on forever is it just must be that (pause) there's so much emotional, psychic debris and clusterfuck going on in me all the time that maybe that's just...I don't know, I don't know. I'm always on some level, even when I'm feeling good, I'm on some level of anxiety so that I can't' just chill and just pop...you know? I've never ever felt that, ever in my life, where e I can just like...Well I have I guess when I was a teenager but I don't remember how to do that anymore. Where it's like...

THERAPIST: And even then it's questionable. I mean there was so much going on around you.

CLIENT: Well yeah, but I'm saying I was able to do it though and it felt good, it didn't feel like I was escaping or I was, like it felt nice. I'd have my ice cold and actually I used to kind of like the fact that I was in my room and the family was out in the living room or something. [00:05:05] There was something a little bit cozy about that. I'm not disagreeing with you, wasn't like perfect but there definitely was, I mean I had no TV, I had to TV. I threw away. I had a little black and white TV and I cut the cord and threw it away. I slept on the floor, I was like a fucking little monk. I slept in my sleeping bag on the floor.

THERAPIST: When you were a teenager?

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Why did you sleep on the floor?

CLIENT: I felt more comfortable. I just...I don't know. I felt more comfortable. I made my own bookshelf. I read, I wrote tons, actually wrote. I published in Assyrian paper all the time so clearly there was something enjoyable and doable about all that. I've never felt that again. After my dad died I just, I can't just like...With music that's the weird thing. With music I can do that. I don't do it every day but somehow I don't know what it is, I mean I can just pick up my guitar and I don't feel shit loads of stress. I just enjoy playing. [00:06:26] I don't know. Maybe I'm a better songwriter? The other day I sat down, I picked up my guitar, I sat down, I wrote a song and it's a good song. I didn't do anything it just came. I don't know how these things work but...So with music I've always had that. I mean I've had it with poetry too but there's something about that, there's' something about maybe because it's not physical or something? I don't know what the fuck it is.

THERAPIST: So now I'm trying to follow because you said just the other day "I sat down to write a song and I wrote a song and it was a good song."

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: You did something?

CLIENT: I know. See, I know. That's why I'm saying a lot of my friends would be like "What?" I already have enough songs for two other records.

THERAPIST: You've said that!

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess I just feel day to day I'm not...something in me just feels like I'm not...you know? Then I was thinking maybe it's a different kind of guilt? Maybe I'm conflating art with money? Maybe there's still a part of me deep down that feels like I'm not like somehow working at something bigger, but is it really that I'm thinking about material ...you know what I mean? I don't know if that makes sense.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I think about that a lot too. I had a dream last night about being broke. [00:07:51] I'm really tired of, I'm not quite able to chip in to the mortgage lately as much as I want and just I feel overwhelmed with that. See, again, this is the thing. If I said any of this to my friends they'd have every right to say "Wait, let me get this straight. You have a full-time job where you work from home, you make 40 grand a year which is nothing to sneeze at and you live in your own house, your own apartment." Like that' s not exactly (laughs)...I just, I think...(pause) All I can assume is that it's half of this, well I don't know what percentage, but part of it has to do with when my dad died, some kind of PTSD, something happened where I suddenly lost the ability to sit down and enjoy....or even the drive to be like "No I just want to sit down at my laptop and write this thing." Then just my mother, that thing about just not making enough money and....I don't know. [00:09:08]

THERAPIST: Some things are getting completed and even it feels like past and present are getting a little completed right now because it feels like you're actually talking about you when you were 23, right now, or ten years ago. Not you right now whose the Kickstarter, got your record done, just sat down and wrote a song in one sitting, has had a book published.

CLIENT: I know. Yeah.

THERAPIST: It's almost like the old feelings about yourself are still kind of haunting and present in your life and that's actually not what's happening right now?

CLIENT: Well I guess...you know what it is? For example because the Kickstarter money...Deep down I feel, not even deep down, I'm frustrated that I raised that much but it kind of wasn't enough and now I'm kind of like scrambling, I might have to ask one of my friends to chip in just a little bit, I don't know. Hopefully not, it won't come to that but...I think part of me just feels upset about that, like "Why the fuck are there always these stupid fucking issues with a nickel here and fucking..." I'm just so tired of that, you know? [00:10:30] At the same time you're totally right. It's like "Who isn't tired of that?" I have very few friends who are so well off and you know, people struggle.

THERAPIST: Yeah but also, you are actively trying to pursue two arts on the side without kind of unlimited wealth resources in your family background to support them and not getting paid for them.

CLIENT: Right, right.

THERAPIST: So that is a struggle.

CLIENT: It is, yes.

THERAPIST: But your friends might have their forty thousand dollar job and then they go home and watch Fringe.

CLIENT: Right, right.

THERAPIST: They're not trying to then put out a record and write another book.

CLIENT: Right, right.

THERAPIST: That's a lot of work to not be paid for right away. The hope maybe is you get paid for it long term in the arts, right? That's a lot of work to get done. A lot of people wouldn't do work without getting paid.

CLIENT: Right, right. Right.

THERAPIST: What were you going to say?

CLIENT: No, you're right. I was going to say or they'd just be hobbyists. My thing is...

THERAPIST: And not beat themselves up for it. It's my hobby.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: My thing is I think of my job as the side, I mean like any real...not real artist but any artist. That's just what I need to do, I don't want to live in squalid, you know? So you need a job but there's a difference between your job and your work. [00:11:55]

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: Yeah, no you're right. And I guess on top of all that if I come from a family where they were supportive that would be different but because I constantly feel guilt about everything and everything's criticized and everything's...you know? It's tough to just feel...(pause) Last night my mom, I took Cecelia down to see my mom and she....Oh I was going to bring that up, that's the other thing that's been happening. The last several days, I don't know how long but when I go down to see my mom I'm just in a mood. I've been in a mood. I've been short with her, I've just been in a mood. Grumpy and down and you know. She's noticed that and of course when she notices it I get more annoyed. Yesterday I tried to be better. I was like "Why am I so aggravated right now?" And the thing is she always makes it worse because in those moments she can actually be very sweet. "Come on son, you know I'm your mom. You can talk to me. It's better to talk about things then to...something's bothering you." [00:13:19] Then I get frustrated because first of all I don't know what's bothering me and I say "Well you and a lifetime of this (laughs) is bothering me." What are you going to say? Yesterday we were talking, she was like "What's going on? Do you have a girlfriend? You don't tell me. You can tell me if you have a girlfriend." So I told her about Kelly. She didn't overreact the way I thought.

THERAPIST: Hmm.

CLIENT: Well I didn't tell her she has a kid. There's no reason for that until things I guess get very serious. She didn't overreact that she wasn't Assyrian or anything although she did kind of try "If your dad were here I think he'd be upset." Then I just joked, that felt good. It bothered me but then I was like "If dad was her he'd joke at how freaking beautiful she is." So I showed her some pictures. This is my mom, this is my mom's family right here encapsulated. My mom was like "Wow. She's really beautiful, wow, is that her real hair? That color?" I was like "Yeah." [00:14:30] But then she said two things. One, I showed her another picture, just fucking stunning and my mom's like "Oh, wow, her mouth is so big." Kelly has one of these like very...some people have that beautiful all American teeth smile, you know what I mean? It is noticeable but it's noticeable because it's fucking beautiful. I was just like "What the fuck?" I think I was upset with her, like "What are you saying? What the fuck are you saying?" I didn't say what the fuck but it's like "What are you talking about? You're saying that a girl that looks like a god damn model has a big mouth?" (laughs) So that was one. This was the kicker. At one point she was like "Wow, well..." I don't know how to exactly translate it from Assyrian abut "Let's not hope other guys start chasing after her." Yeah. So in other words, I don't know what that means. She might get snatched away by others? So I was like "Are you?" So I just stopped and I just put my head down. "Is everyone better than us? Everyone must be better than? Right? Is this the problem?"

THERAPIST: You said that?

CLIENT: Yeah, in those moments I'm very honest. I'm like "This family is ill." (laughs) You know? I was like "So is everyone better than? Have you thought about the girls who are chasing after me? I'm not really worried, I have...she should worry about the girls chasing after me. There's nothing to....when people are boyfriend and girlfriend they try to not do those things because they care about each other." [00:16:19] I was just like "What kind of sad state of affairs is that?" To me that, not so much the big mouth thing, although that's part of it, but that comment, that's their whole...That's my novel. Just a one sentence novel. (laughs) That says it all. That's their life. My mom, even my uncle, all of them, they just can't...except for my grandmother. Somehow others...we're always behind somehow, we're always less than to some extent, you know? I almost didn't want to even show her the picture because deep down....

THERAPIST: You knew?

CLIENT: Well I knew, but also I've always felt that either there's some kind of resentment or even like "How did he get her?" If she's saying things like...and I don't take it personal. It's about all of them, you know, it's about all of them. If someone came tomorrow and said "Hey, we're going to publish all your works and give you a two hundred thousand grant," I think my mom wouldn't know what the fuck to do. Like how could that be? [00:17:35] Or my aunt, like an amazing fucking opera singer who doesn't pursue a career in the opera.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: How could that be? I mean yeah, her husband, this, that, whatever, but how could these things be anything other than like just hating yourself? Right? I don't know, that' s what it sounds like to me, only people like that would say something like that.

THERAPIST: In a way...

CLIENT: And! I'm sorry and in the same conversation she's like...I mean she was cute, I got to say, she had taken a shower or something so she was doing that girly thing again. She had like pigtails and she gets cold so she had wrapped her hair somehow and was wearing this pink, fluffy robe or something with the little slippers. It was ridiculous. So we're sitting there and she was like petting Cecelia and she saw herself in the mirror "Son, your mom's getting old, there's no way around it. See this dimple? This dimple used to be up here. See now it's all the way down..." I was like "Mom, what the fuck?" That's such a clusterfuck of...a 72 year old woman still thinks...it's not that she's unattractive but she thinks she should be like 40 and still, whatever she was when she was 40. [00:18:56]

THERAPIST: Right. Lesser than...

CLIENT: Bizarre, yeah it's totally bizarre. And no sense of like "Wait a minute, I'm going to say something about this stunningly beautiful girls mouth but I'm a 72 year old woman." It's one thing if a girls the same age, get a little catty, you know what I mean? Like "Oh my god, look at her mouth!" That's a totally different version of that sentence, someone looking at US weekly or something. Like my cousins or even me. You know as you're saying it that it's all in fun and absurdity. But when you're 72 and you kind of mean it or you do mean it and you don't have any sense of perspective "Like wait I'm criticizing this young...what the fuck?"

THERAPIST: It becomes so apparent that criticism is a defense.

CLIENT: Mm hm, yep. [00:20:03] (pause)

THERAPIST: Terrible insecurity about her own self that's peaked when she' s looked at this photo.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: She knocks her down in some way.

CLIENT: Yeah. With all that said it was much smoother than I thought...I mean that stuff I almost expected. She did that to my Assyrian...that's going to happen with any, I could marry the fucking princess of whatever, Holland, and there would be something. "Oh the princess of Holland? There's going to be a bunch of princes, Dukes, rich men chasing her, how are you going to...?"

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Or "She's going to make you move to Holland?" Like everything. Or "She's too poor, we come from a family of sophisticated...this girl, you can't..." There's always going to be something. Just like with my aunt and her son, you know?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: They basically don't talk anymore. Luckily my mom, I give her credit, she's not that. [00:21:07] My aunt's family, at this point, I don't know if they could ever go back to what they were over nothing. (pause) So anyway, no wonder I can't...it's a little hard to motivate or get started on stuff.

THERAPIST: Or Brian, the other interpretation of it is no wonder you tell yourself you're so bad at motivating, concentrating.

CLIENT: That's true.

THERAPIST: I think they're both true some...in other words if you're constantly spending time in your head beating yourself up for how you're lesser than everybody else, that's going to impede your actual concentration and focus.

CLIENT: That's true. And enjoyment.

THERAPIST: And enjoyment. Exactly.

CLIENT: I don't have to read all of Moby Dick, I just want to pick it up and read a few pages.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Like I don't do things like that.

THERAPIST: And feel fine with that.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: There is such a running track of your mother's voice inside that just, even ordinariness gets criticized and extraordinariness gets criticized even. She sees a stunning girl and immediately finds something to critique about it. She would do that with any single person's photo you could have given her.

CLIENT: Or any achievement, anything. Yeah, yeah. [00:22:28]

THERAPIST: And you do that to yourself.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Like it can't just be "Who did this thing?" Immediately something "Wait you're not doing it enough or well enough or long enough..." and it's not, of course as I say that, when that voice is there so strong it does get in the way. You know when you say "Eight or nine years for this album." That's something, that's important right? It did take a while, maybe longer than you wished it had but part of the reason that is that you've been spending so much time getting beaten up inside. You get depressed if that voice is loud enough.

CLIENT: It's almost like...I went to the doctor yesterday for a quick visit and that's one thing she asked about he Wellbutrin or whatever. We were talking about and I don't know how this came up, but lifestyle, exercise, stress, whatever. I was thinking the one thing I have an issue with, maybe a lot of people have an issue with is I get into a cycle where I'm so stressed about being stressed that of course then I'm stressed and anxious.

THERAPIST: (laughs) [00:23:35]

CLIENT: You know, I don't like to hear studies "New study at Johns Hopkins. Stress causes headaches." Well no fucking shit. Like I hate these, you know? We're all supposed to not stress but everywhere we turn there are things yelling at us to not stress about stuff. And I think that's the same thing with that. I'm just constantly...either way if I beat myself up one way it's bad but then if I beat myself "Why aren't I, why aren't I just picking up Moby Dick and just reading a few pages and just chilling?" That doesn't help either.

THERAPIST: Right, right.

CLIENT: (pause) And again for some reason I don't do that with music. (pause) Even the show. I finalized the bill for our record release show and I'm not like, something in me isn't like "Oh I could've gotten better bands." Immediately instead of being like "Hey, it's a record. First of all it isn't the fucking Garden. It's going to be great." But I'm already kind of like "Oh I don't know, are these bands that good? They're not going to be that good." [00:24:57]

THERAPIST: It's your mother.

CLIENT: Yeah. Instead of thinking like "Wow all these bands?" I had to say no to a couple bands. All these people are excited to play the show on a Saturday night at a great venue. I got my...Do you know Mission of Burma?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: My acquaintances band opened for Mission of Burma. They're going to play the show. Like that's...I'm not saying it in like an idolizing way but that's fucking awesome! It'll be fun and it's great, that's a nice sound of respect and whatever. That's awesome! Yet I'm like "Blah..." (laughs) (pause) [00:26:06]

THERAPIST: That's like if they want to be here and I'm not worth that much they can't be that great either.

CLIENT: Oh, wow, I never thought about that. Whoa. Tricia. Wow. Yeah, never thought about...it's as if then I must not be or maybe I'm not that good so I'm making it seem like these other bands aren't' that good or something.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Wow. That's a good point. (pause) Actually that's a mind-blowing point, that's probably why...I do hate poetry readings but why aren't I at least going? Why aren't' I hobnobbing and networking and...on some level I must feel like I'm not the real deal or I'm not...somehow I don't belong or I'm not as good or...something.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Wow, that's....(pause) [00:27:24] Which makes perfect sense cause then I do what they do. I go to these poetry readings and I act above, which they do suck, but still I could be more, you can go and not take it that seriously and still try to meet some people and you know? (pause) Wow that's big. (pause) [00:28:05]

THERAPIST: You can tell the story of these exchanges with your mother getting it, kind of lighthearted and laughing at the absurdity of it but it's really kind of heartbreaking.

CLIENT: Uh, yeah. No I get it, trust me. I know it's heartbreaking. I mean I think that's why, like I think I'm underplaying...It's not just my mom I've noticed this with my family in general lately. Because I'm so done. It's like the Matrix. It's like now I see what it all is so when we're hanging out I'm kind of just done. Do you know what I mean? I have no energy to pretend that much or to get caught up in ridiculous absurd conversations and that's almost becoming a problem because...Do you know what I mean? It's like they might notice that and what do you say? It's an impossible conversation. "Well after many, many years I realize that this is all bullshit and you fucking damaged me." So, yeah it's heartbreaking. [00:29:11] it is, it's heartbreaking.

THERAPIST: I mean in the moment you're really not that reactive and that might even feel good, you have distance from it, it's not immediately...

CLIENT: Sometimes it feels good, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes I literally can't react. What's happening is sometimes they say things, I literally...You know sometimes when you're either so angry or so like something, you can't speak? I get like that. They're the only people that can make me like that. I literally, it's weird, I've never had that before but lately it's almost like I feel like I'm stuttering, I'm swallowing air because I feel like I'm going to implode. Where do you start? I'm just so...you know? That's one of those things where what? I'm not going to like disown my family. But at the same time it's like I have to relearn how to navigate around them. (pause) Or unlearn all the shit that's been programmed. [00:30:33]

THERAPIST: Well and also in a place where you may be starting to feel all the feeling that is stopping, getting stopped up in your throat.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: What do you do with that in the moment?

CLIENT: Yeah, that's right.

THERAPIST: What do you do? It doesn't go very well if you tell her ?

CLIENT: That's right, no. Yeah it's like this avalanche, a sudden thing. I think it's also...but like you said it is also healthy in the sense that I'm finally kind of like me.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Cause even though that feels awful in that moment at least I know "You know what? That's happening because I see through all this crap now. I'm not letting it get to me." Yeah.

THERAPIST: That's what I meant about feeling good. Not...I know it can feel bad all that feeling but you don't sound like she could say something like that to you and then you're immediately brought back in to the old stuff.

CLIENT: No, I mean imagine that if this had happened a few years ago...

THERAPIST: Right. Totally different reaction.

CLIENT: yeah I'm all into this girl and if she said "Oh my god look at her mouth" or something that...at least for a day or something maybe or...I kind of forgot about it almost immediately. [00:31:46] That's just absurd.

THERAPIST: Huge.

CLIENT: It's huge. Yeah it's totally huge. And also like I said I've just become much more blunt. I would never say "Well mom all these years..." I just kind of backhand them verbally. I'll just say something like "Have you seen yourself in the mirror?" I don't care. I know that sounds harsh but...cause there is no other way, either I say nothing which I can't do if I'm going to hang out with these people, I can't not say nothing, or I just verbally fucking...it takes one second to show them that they're being absolute idiots. I try to avoid all of that if I can but in those moments it's like...Or the thing about my dad, like I just won't put with that. "Your dad would've thought this, your dad would've ..." I don't put up with any of that shit, that really makes me upset. I was happy, before that I would erupt, you know, if she did something like that but it felt good last night, I was looking at the picture and I was like "No that's.." He'd like pat me on the back and make a joke... like have you seen this picture? So that felt really good. That felt so like, I wasn't part of whatever the weirdness...

THERAPIST: You so held on to your own mind.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You weren't just permeated by hers. You had yourself. What you think about her. What you feel about her. What you feel with her.

CLIENT: Yeah.[00:33:25]

THERAPIST: Even when she says something like "Well I hope she doesn't get chased after."

CLIENT: (laughs)

THERAPIST: That's so heartbreaking Brian. I know it' s one moment right now but to imagine then what's been said to you...

CLIENT: Oh, yeah.

THERAPIST: All along. She's saying to you "She's better than you."

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: Then her own son. It's one thing even to have that neurosis play out with her and her sister but to her own son?

CLIENT: To her child. Yeah. That's brutal.

THERAPIST: It's brutal.

CLIENT: It's brutal, absolutely. It's amazing. The only way I try not to...I try to contextualize it kind of to help myself and try to feel some semblance of compassion for her. It's not about Kelly, it's not about me, you know, it's about everything will go away. It wasn't just that "guys are going to chase.." she got into whole, she has all these fears that whoever I'm with, something's going to happen and they're going to get the house. Not just her, my aunt, all of them, they have this thing that somehow divorce, all the laws are on the women's side and they'll just take everything you have. (laughs) It's like "Look at you!" You're a doctor, you're blown away! Yeah, that's what I've been dealing with. Not just me, that's what we've all, my cousins, all of us, that's what we deal with. [00:35:04] Imagine for my female cousins. They're girls but yet they hear things like "Boys are clearly better than...it was better that you had boys." The whole thing is just...That's what's fucked up. My mom is the best one. After all these years it turns out my mom is the best one out of all these people. My aunt doesn't' talk to her son cause she has some theory that the girl...I mean I don't like his fiancée but she's not the fucking devil, that they're trying to steal her house from her and that's a whole other...

THERAPIST: I mean talk about another whole set of layers of inhibitions against settling down and having a life with someone.

CLIENT: Oh, for me?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: Oh, yeah, yeah. Or anything. You know the book deal? Well you know? like how many pages is the book?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Like that is a bizarre fucking question. I'll never get over that and when I told her "Mom, the average length of poetry books is 48-60 pages." She's like "Really?" It's like "Are you not a fucking poet? Do you remember the book you put out? It was like 35 pages." She's immediately like "Thick books are thick, people have worked harder on them or something." I don't know what it is but...Just imagine like every fucking thing.

THERAPIST: It's immediately how it's not good enough. [00:36:41]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Everything.

CLIENT: About Kelly "Oh [inaudible], that's great, one day she can help you maybe like that's good for the future, maybe you could teach there?" It's like "Well, yeah, maybe I could but that's..."

THERAPIST: (laughs) So that makes two?

CLIENT: Who gives a shit? (laughs) When's Kelly going to make her phone call? From the video production department? It's, I don't know. In Assyria there's a saying, what do you do, laugh, you cry, I don't know what you do. It's absurd.

THERAPIST: It's so absurd it's easy to laugh cause it's that extreme and over the top it's...

CLIENT: It's devastating.

THERAPIST: It's really, really devastating.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. No, it's totally devastating. I just had a great idea. Maybe the problem is, the reason I can't make this into a novel is cause it should be a play? I mean look at how we react like when I tell you, how you react. It's because you're hearing me mimic the dialogue and the mannerisms and the way...[00:38:01] Anyway.

THERAPIST: You're a very, very good story, dialogue story teller, back and forth.

CLIENT: What kind of family has an uncle that's like this now? And I'm not exaggerating, I'm not always, I don't sit up super straight but I think I'm in the realm of normal, I like to just get comfortable but he'll literally be like this...It would be one thing if he was always like that and had a back problem but this guy, handsome, nice, sweet guy, you know? What the fuck is that? (pause) [00:39:30] You know Virginia Woolf used to, she had like an archived fucking journal, like all her journals, all her...you know what I mean? When I just said this I was thinking about this play or whatever I wrote a one act play when I was an undergrad. I wrote it like right before class, I didn't think about it. Got like an A and the professor was all into it. I have no idea where that play is and I was thinking about all the shit...in Oregon, all the cassettes I made, songs I recorded, some friends I recorded, I don't know where those are. And now in retrospect clearly because I didn't think enough of myself to be like "Wait a minute, these should all be organized and kept in a safe place and I should..." You know what I mean? Nothing. No idea where those fucking things are.

THERAPIST: You didn't think enough of yourself to think that it mattered.

CLIENT: Yeah. [00:40:48] If nothing else for just your life, just nostalgic quality, or just to see your progression. Even with [inaudible] not that long ago, ten years ago, I don't know where those practice tapes are, I don't know where any of that shit is. (pause) [00:42:00]

THERAPIST: So tomorrow?

CLIENT: Oh yeah.

THERAPIST: Right?

CLIENT: Oh, awesome!

THERAPIST: 12:50?

CLIENT: Cool. Thanks, Tricia. Alright, see you tomorrow.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Bye.

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