TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Fuck.

THERAPIST: She’s keeping you awake, you mean?

CLIENT: She’s started waking me up like at five and I fed her and she just wanted to be up and she wanted me to be up and so every time I’d fall back to sleep, she’d start licking my hair. (laughing)

THERAPIST: I wonder how that got there.

CLIENT: (laughing) Oh man. So I think because of that I’ve started having like crazy dreams because I kept like – I was kind of asleep but I wasn’t. You know what I mean? I ran over some old dude with a car or my cousin did.

THERAPIST: What happened?

CLIENT: (laughing) I don’t know. I think I was with my cousin, Bobby, I think. I don’t know where we were, why, what, who these other people were. There was some old dude. No idea who it was and Bobby like He was trying to get us or something or get Bobby; I don’t know what. And he made a U-turn, then he just went straight at the guy and pinned him against a parked car. And – yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know what that was. [00:01:15]

Then I was driving a lot. I was trying to take pictures. The sky was really beautiful and my camera, my I-phone camera wouldn’t work. So, there’s like freeways that I kept – because I didn’t know what they were so I kept getting – feeling like I’m going in the wrong direction. (yawning)

Oh man! But yeah, I – She’s a little spoiled brat. Today she was really – I was – Yeah. Discombobulated. Especially the hair-licking. That’s really weird. I don’t mind when she’s – I love her, but that feels really weird when a cat’s licking your hair. (laughing) (pause) [00:02:21]

So, yesterday I talked with the SBA about getting a micro-loan for my business. I figured I don’t have a storefront but I do have some start-up costs. So, they were really nice after I wrote to them and I was like, “This is what’s going –” – very detailed. And I was like, “You know, I’ve been a grad student for a while so my credit’s not great but it’s being repaired” but I don’t want that to stop me from starting a business. I was like, “I do need the space to meet with clients and I do need some marketing collateral or whatever.” They called me like immediately. Very nice. I don’t know. They referred me to this Southeastern something Massachusetts. I think it’s kind of a non-profit investment thing (inaudible at 00:03:29) Middlesex County. I don’t know. So we’ll see. That’s pretty good. (pause)

Again, it’s one of those deals where it’s – two grand, three grand, five grand, it’s not a lot of money. It’s just frustrating. (laughing) You know what I mean? It’s just like, “Come on.”

And then, the one other thing I did; I was like, “What a minute. If I get that credit card, that means I can probably get another one like that card.” And you don’t want to be applying to a million cards, of course, but, you know, two cards, three cards, whatever. So, I don’t know, I did that as well. We’ll see what happens. Because I was like, “At least I’ll have $600 worth of credit cards.” (laughing) Anyway— [00:04:31]

So, I’m trying to be savvy. I’m thinking. And I called my friend, Devin (sp), who’s – He’s younger than me. He kind of got into buying houses and now he’s started a painting company and all that. I’m going to talk to him. He’s really savvy. And he’s – you know, he’s young. He might know – I’m just going to be like, “Look man, how did you put the money together? What tips can you give me for someone?” I have a freaking house. I just need (pause)

THERAPIST: [Tell me] (ph) what your thoughts are about your dreams? [00:05:27]

CLIENT: The old guy one, I don’t get. And why was Bobby driving? I think – And why were we in my mom’s old Dodge, what was that? It was like a Dodge K. You know those square Dodge – I don’t know if you remember those. She had a white one of those for quite a while. No idea.

THERAPIST: Bobby was driving?

CLIENT: Bobby was driving, yeah.

THERAPIST: You’re in the passenger seat?

CLIENT: Yeah. And the guy didn’t die. I think even later in the dream, or something like that, we were somewhere where he was still. And like we knew that he was – Bobby wasn’t trying to kill him anymore. But, I don’t know. That was weird. And I don’t know who these fucking people were. No idea. I don’t know what that neighborhood was. I didn’t know – Same with when I was driving freeways and trying to take pictures. I had no idea. I was feeling very confused. There were all these on-ramps and off-ramps [00:06:30]

Although, now, having a flashback, do you know how like – You know what’s happening to me lately, which is a little bit disconcerting and also fascinating at the same time? When you start feeling like you’ve seen dreams before. You know what I’m saying? So it’s like a deja vu of dreams, because now I’m remembering – I guess; I think I saw this dream that, another time – not last night – that I was driving and I drove through some town and then I decided to like drive way out west. I mean I don’t know what these places were; I’m just saying that’s what it abstractly felt like. I don’t know what that was. (pause) [00:07:27]

THERAPIST: A lot about driving.

CLIENT: Yeah. That’s true; there is a lot about driving. There’s been a lot of travel in my dreams, right? The one where I was on the boats – A lot of change, new directions –

THERAPIST: Going on a journey –

CLIENT: Yeah. And that’s why none of them have been scary. In fact, even last night’s – Even hitting that guy – For some reason I didn’t feel one way or the other particularly emotional or something. I was only frustrated that my camera wouldn’t work to take a picture of the sky. I couldn’t figure out why the camera-phone wouldn’t work and then I was a little frustrated because when I was driving and I kept not knowing what on-ramp or off-ramp I was on – But it wasn’t like one of those other dreams where I’m like What are they called? – Like really stressed. Like stress dreams. [00:08:35] (pause)

THERAPIST: Sounds a little bit like your feelings about where you are with this profession.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. It’s a lot of, you know, a lot of change going on – New directions and –

THERAPIST: and things you don’t know a lot of them.

CLIENT: Yeah. Unknown, nervous, you know, unknown stuff But yet also it’s like you can taste it. If I really stop to think about it, all it’s going to take are maybe like two little things. Maybe they’re not that little, but they’re kind of little in terms of the logic of being able to do these things. And really my life’s going to be very different. You know what I mean? Imagine if I suddenly had some clients or if I can buy another house. That would be – To me that would be just as amazing as publishing the book or putting out records except it would be on a more practical – in terms of day-to-day living. It would totally change a lot of things. [00:09:56]

THERAPIST: Like something that has some longevity. You know?

CLIENT: Right, right. And also, more and more, it would be the ultimate symbolic and real kind of break from my family. There’s no other way this is – For me to continue feeling as good as I am, there has to be a real break. It can’t just be like up here. (long pause) [00:11:06]

THERAPIST: Pinning the old man – [inaudible at 00:11:14]

CLIENT: Yeah, I guess, but it didn’t feel that way in the dream. I really felt like an observer. I was like, “What is happening?” (laughing) And the fact that it was Bobby – He didn’t seem particularly upset or – He just did it, you know.

THERAPIST: It was more matter-of-fact.

CLIENT: Yeah, it was very matter-of-fact. And the other thing was that the guy didn’t seem particularly threatening. (pause) [00:12:05]

I hooked up with that Kristen chick yesterday, which now I kind of regret it. I don’t know.

THERAPIST: Which one is she?

CLIENT: The one I was saying who – The local one who –

THERAPIST: who said she was falling hard or hadn’t felt this way in a long time?

CLIENT: Yeah. All that stuff. Yeah. (pause) But I think I’m going to take a different tack. I think with her I’m just going to tell her. I think she already – She was kind of half joking but half serious that like – I don’t know. She’s like, “I’m not a slut. Don’t think I’m a slut because I’m –” You know. And she was half joking that, “Well, you know this is all you want anyway,” or something like that. So I don’t want her to feel bad. I don’t know. I think I just need to tell her that I’m just like – There’s just a lot – I’m overwhelmed and I’m – [00:13:33]

THERAPIST: that you don’t want to date her?

CLIENT: Not really, no.

THERAPIST: You did want to hook up with her.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean it was one of those – I didn’t think – It was one of those stupid things again where I didn’t think that I could. So, I don’t know. Or I thought – There’s also just the reality that someone seems more attractive to you and then you kind of get to know them when you spend more time with them and then you – You know. There’s some of that too. [00:14:23]

And like I said, there’s a lot of – That circle of people – I just don’t want to get too deep into that and then – Everybody’s fucking talking and – you know. I’d rather keep it as amicable as possible.

THERAPIST: What do you mean by that circle of people and that everybody’s talking? Do you mean talking about you?

CLIENT: They’re just people that I will probably just see around and I just, you know. I don’t have a bad – It’s their friend. I don’t want to seem like a douchebag or something. (pause)

I don’t know. It’s just more and more I just try because you try. That’s what you do. You know, like you see a pretty girl and you kind of make an effort. But I’m just realizing it’s kind of a tough place to be in. It’s hard for me to stop myself but I’m realizing more and more that unlike in the past, it’s not enough anymore. Once I hook up, I’m just – You know what I mean? [00:15:45]

It’s kind of a bummer in a way. Other guys look at me – It’s kind of an ideal situation but I don’t know. Something’s going on. I’m just not – Well, it’s not Something going on; it’s that I think I would really like for there to be something real and, you know – (pause)

So, what happens is even with the sex, sometimes even during the sex, I just start, “Hmm, all right.” (laughing) I don’t know. It’s like. It’s kind of a bummer. I can’t even stay as aroused or whatever, toward the end. I’m just like, “Ok. Let me get home, make a sandwich, crank up the Netflix.” (laughing) It’s kind of ridiculous. (pause) [00:16:46]

I think it really has gotten to the point where, you know (laughing) – I’ve done that a lot. Probably more than a lot of my guy friends, so it’s kind of like – It just seems kind of – The minute it happens, I’m already ahead of it. I’m like, “(Sighing sound) “ [inaudible at 00:17:15]

THERAPIST: It’s not even serving the purpose it once served.

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: And yet there’s a part of you saying – You said a few minutes ago, you kind of have to try.

CLIENT: Because then what happens is you have a lull where you’re not having sex or you’re not spending time with a girl, then you’re like “ Well, (makes a noise)”. You know.

THERAPIST: No, I don’t know. (inaudible crosstalk at 00:17:42)

CLIENT: Well, then, yeah, you want to have contact with someone, you want to feel attractive to someone, you want to flirt – It’s just fun, you know. But because I’m for whatever – Not for whatever reason but I think a lot of – I feel this need to just really have a real –

THERAPIST: sustained emotional contact

CLIENT: Yeah. Like I’m just so sick of this shit. You know what I mean? It just seems absurd. It’s kind of like what I’m saying about the house and the – It’s really for someone like me – I’m not saying I should have some amazing relationship, but this is ridiculous. When I look back on it I’m like, “Come on!” Like I know lots of fucking idiots who have just a regular girlfriend who they see after work and they go to a movie or they go to a bar. I’ve not had that.

THERAPIST: You haven’t fallen for those people. [00:18:32]

CLIENT: Well, yeah, that’s partly it but partly I’ve gone for the wrong (pause) – Yeah, I don’t know what it is.

THERAPIST: That’s what I mean. People where it’s not going to be regular.

CLIENT: Right, right. I thought you were saying there have been people who have wanted that and I have rejected them.

THERAPIST: Do you think that hasn’t been the case that side of things? I mean that’s not what I’m saying, but you think that hasn’t been the case, that there have been people who have wanted that?

CLIENT: No, there have been people that wanted it, but that’s what I’m saying. They’ve been – I shouldn’t have been with those people to begin with. I knew that it wasn’t going to be that and yet, it kind of wasn’t fair. I kind of let them think that. (pause) [00:19:30]

The trick part is that so then, what’s going on? Why am I not – Is it that I’m still – Is it because I’m not putting myself really – even though I think I am, I’m not. Do you know what I mean? I don’t go to a lot of shows anymore. I don’t go to – I’m really not out there a lot. That’s one. Or when I’m out, do I not anymore approach the women I want to approach, so then I end up kind of ? Do you know what I mean?

So, you know, I don’t know. There’s some of this stuff that’s – (pause). I’m still shy on some level and now, it’s not even about shy. Now it’s just about – because now I kind of don’t care on some level in a good way. But that can hinder you from making effort with people that might be more intimidating or make you a little nervous or whatever. (pause) [00:20:35]

The closest I got was with the yoga chick. That one, I don’t really regret it, but that was one that I could have been very – She had her own place. I had my own place. We’re around the same age. You know. (pause) [00:21:30]

THERAPIST: I think you’re really getting hungry for a kind of sustained emotional contact with someone.

CLIENT: Totally. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Not just a one-night stand.

CLIENT: No. Yeah. Also because I know enough – My family is healthy enough that I do see how especially with mom – not with my other – but with my mom and dad – and actually with my uncle Anan (sp)—that, you know, she might be a (inaudible at 00:21:56) and I don’t even know how romantically whatever – But just as a partnership, you know. When I’ve had girlfriends, I can’t tell you how good it’s felt when I’ve had girlfriends who are like, “Yeah, you should do this with your business!” That’s such a good feeling. You know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Just being supportive?

CLIENT: Yeah supportive and having ideas and you know – (pause) Even the chicks I sleep with have been like that. They’re nice people; it’s just when you know it’s not a long-term thing it makes it even sadder in a way. You’re like, “Well, that’s nice that you care about my business. (laughing) Too bad we’re not going to –”But, yeah, it does get harder. [00:22:52]

The yoga chick was 40 and she didn’t want to fucking have – She almost didn’t even sound like she wanted to be monogamous. You remember I couldn’t tell what the fuck was – I don’t know, people become more of who they are as they get into their 30s and stuff. Either they’re desperate to have a child, which is a turn-off or they already have them or they’re content and they don’t want kids. So, I don’t know. It becomes more difficult. (pause) [00:23:56]

THERAPIST: [We’ve got to stop.] (ph)

CLIENT: It’s okay. So,

THERAPIST: Tomorrow.

CLIENT: 3:00?

THERAPIST: 3:10.

CLIENT: Ok. Thank you, Claire.

END TRANSCRIPT