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CLIENT: ...on that side, by the ed [ph] school. So like all those fuckers take up space, their pickup trucks and shit. How’s it going?

THERAPIST: You always ask me that.

CLIENT: What? Yeah, I ask. It’s nice to be nice.

THERAPIST: I wonder if that’s part of being polite. We were [inaudible] on that last week.

CLIENT: Yeah, but when I ask you I mean it. I mean it’s not like asking the girl at although, well, I mean it with her, too. I know her now. But it’s not like asking someone you just met who so yeah, yesterday was an interesting day. I’m definitely fighting this like I definitely have a heightened sense of anxiety now, I’m realizing. [00:01:01.04] I just feel because I notice physically I had a pretty bad headache yesterday that in the morning and then kind of throughout the day. And I’m seeing like really, really vivid dreams. So yeah, I just think I think I’m just like antsy.

THERAPIST: What’s your dream?

CLIENT: I’ve been seeing so many and I’ve not been good about remembering what they are. All I remember about the one last night is at one point I could see my own back of my neck, and I think I mean this, I think, was a little bit I mean I was cutting I cut my own hair, so of course in the back I’m never quite sure what’s going on. And I know that sometimes the hairline back here, I’m I don’t know, it can be kind of long or mullet-like or whatever. [00:02:08.04] So in my dream I could see the back of my and it was just all hair down here. I was like oh shit, I’ve got to take care of that. And then there was some woman, but I don’t know who the woman was. There were people. I don’t know. None of them...

THERAPIST: Just some woman? Did she look like anybody?

CLIENT: No. No. And it was particularly no, she was youngish, around my age, whatever. But there was nothing really sexual, I don’t think, or anything like that. I don’t know. None of them have been scary or bad dreams per se, just like very vivid.

THERAPIST: This dream, what you remember was a vivid metaphor image, discovering something that’s there [inaudible] there.

CLIENT: Yeah, I don’t know. [00:03:11.23] I’ve been like, I don’t know. I’m contemplating I have to go to this fucking bachelor party, another one, this coming next weekend. It’s like, I don’t know, I just kind of don’t feel like it. But I don’t like that I don’t feel like it. I mean I don’t have to get a hotel. I’m staying at my friend’s house. I don’t want to take the bus; I want to drive. But...

THERAPIST: It sounds like even money aside, there are other feelings as well.

CLIENT: Something’s going on lately, yeah, like there’s this chick I’ve been like kind of just hooking up with. And it’s kind of like perfect in a way. She doesn’t want anything, and she’s totally fun. It’s awesome. [00:04:02.25] And the sex is actually good. It’s worth it. I’m just kind of every time she wants to get together now I’m just, I don’t know. I make excuses and stuff. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just so overwhelmed that I just can’t I’m not sure what it is. It’s almost like physically I don’t feel that energetic.

THERAPIST: It feels like there’s a lot of [inaudible] today.

CLIENT: As opposed to yesterday?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I mean I wonder [inaudible] your dream has to do with [inaudible] yesterday. If there’s some connection [inaudible] dream. [00:05:14.12]

CLIENT: About what?

THERAPIST: Your hair.

CLIENT: I think it literally was I mean on some level I don’t think it’s anything other than I literally cut my hair that last night, and I was like I wonder what’s going on back here. I don’t know.

THERAPIST: It’s not a dream, though, when you turn around and it’s perfectly clean shaven.

CLIENT: No, it looked weird. It almost looked like an animal in a way. It looked weird. Because there was a hairline, it was just way lower, you know what I mean? It was kind of strange.

THERAPIST: And you felt embarrassed, it sounds like, when you said I’ve got to cut that off.

CLIENT: No, no, it was more just surprised. Like I was almost like wow, who is that. Like it was more just surprise. I wasn’t really embarrassed or anything. [00:06:02.03]

THERAPIST: Like it’s not you.

CLIENT: Kind of, yeah.

THERAPIST: I mean we’ve been talking about life coaching and [inaudible] psychology yesterday and this whole realm that’s so new that you’re thinking about and trying on for size, even just in ideas, that I mean I think there was some feeling yesterday like who is this person. This is such a new chapter.

CLIENT: Yeah, I think maybe that’s what it is. Like each day for me now feels kind of yeah, it’s hard to explain. But yeah, it makes me headachy. You know what I mean? Like I find myself like yesterday I went and I met with a woman that organized the reading that I did at the she’s a director at the museum. [00:07:06.11] And even that, like we took a we just grabbed some iced tea and just walked by the river. It was very nice but I couldn’t help but feel kind of discombobulated a little bit. I was like what am I doing? I never do this. Like I’m walking by the river having an iced tea, peach iced tea, like I think it’s like I’m giving myself anxiety by you know what I’m saying? It’s all this like I notice myself, how I’m behaving, and it’s a little (pause) so I mean it could even be like a mild I don’t know about a depression, but like a mild I think even when things are when things changed so drastically, I think it can leave you feeling kind of down or something. [00:08:39.23]

THERAPIST: I wonder if something, Brian, about our conversation yesterday [inaudible]

CLIENT: No, I was feeling this way before.

THERAPIST: You were?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It wasn’t [inaudible] yesterday.

CLIENT: I don’t know.

THERAPIST: [inaudible] when you came into the session.

CLIENT: I mean I also feel more tired now. I didn’t sleep very well last night. [00:09:03.02] Or I slept very, very, very late. I mean it’s not that I’m not upbeat. I just feel a little yeah, I mean my head was hurting yesterday, like I just feel a little bit off, like physically I’ve been feeling off a little bit. Like my even my fucking retainers, they’re bothering me lately. Like I feel like my gum my front teeth is irritated or something. So like that I just feel kind of little things. But...

THERAPIST: I also think even how when you’re having a lot of feeling, it’s the safest layer to register than physical. Physical [inaudible] headache, [inaudible] retainer bothering you. That’s...

CLIENT: I mean they’re real things but yeah, they become a bigger thing than they are, yeah. [00:10:03.29]

THERAPIST: But there’s that usually means there’s something more emotional going on.

CLIENT: I don’t know. I mean I think I’m just yeah, I mean I feel overwhelmed. I feel like I don’t know what’s happening kind of. All these new things are happening. And I also feel antsy, like I just want it’s as if I want one of either the music or the writing or the life; I just want something to go to the next level already. But of course now I totally know that has nothing to do with anything other than me. You know what I mean? So which is both liberating but it’s also makes you anxious.

THERAPIST: And there may also be a lot of other feelings obstructing your [inaudible] be yourself. [00:11:06.03] [inaudible] you asked me Friday [inaudible] you had more time and how you didn’t cry much in here at all and that you’ve thought about that on your own; why is that. You said at one point towards the end how much more can I be feeling and I said actually, a lot.

CLIENT: Yeah, I mean it’s probably like there’s a lot of loneliness and all that stuff. Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: I’m thinking right now how much I feel like the couch would help you [inaudible] but I know that also feels like it’s mostly done [ph] stay away. [00:12:34.16]

CLIENT: Yeah, maybe it’s time.

THERAPIST: We can be such a safe container for feelings to come out more. I wonder, though, if it means then you’re really impatient.

CLIENT: That’s interesting. [00:13:01.16] Yeah, maybe. I didn’t think about that. Yeah, it’s more such more of a stereotypical kind of...

THERAPIST: And when I get the stereotype level, you know, the cliché it’s a couch, but I wonder if just even emotionally actually registering you’re a patient here. It’s not social [inaudible] You’re really here to do work on yourself. You were saying that we’ve had a mode of relating a pattern and that pattern could be safe and easy. I’m thinking it’s [inaudible]

CLIENT: I mean I think the good part in some of this that I’m noticing is maybe it’s just it’s a healthy like self-protection or it’s like I’m actually thinking about what I really need, you know what I mean? [00:14:16.11] Maybe I don’t need to be in San Diego for some bachelor maybe I just don’t want to do that. You know what I mean? I think I’m in a very introspective place where I want to be with my mind. You know what I mean?

THERAPIST: It’s kind of seeing the same thing. It did not sound like an unhealthy depression.

CLIENT: No, yeah no, that’s the one thing I think that’s why I’m being so functioning. Like yesterday, yeah, I didn’t feel good, but it didn’t stop me from going to see Isabella. I think I just some intuitively almost knew that no, just I think I’m just going through a lot of stuff and I’m very like I started this new thing, actually I started it today more adamantly, which is I’m not going to take my laptop with me now. [00:15:06.29] I usually take my laptop with me when I’m out during it’s a fucking waste of time. I go out and what do I do? I just check e-mail and I don’t really write. I don’t I’ve got to get back to this writing longhand. I just printed out my manuscript, and I’ve just got to go back to the way I used to do things, and just be with that quiet and just like sitting there. If I have nothing to write then I can just fucking sit there and just be among people and so I think I need to there’s something in me that’s being drawn to some kind of quiet, a quiet life, as much as you can make one in a city. The thing is not everyone gets that. I think my friends are going to be bummed if I don’t go. And actually, I’m going to be bummed too. [00:16:01.07] I mean I love these guys so it’s just, I don’t know.

THERAPIST: You might even still decide to go, but registering that it’s it doesn’t feel like [inaudible] whether you go or don’t. And that also doesn’t have to be such a bad thing.

CLIENT: Right, yeah, and at the end of the day they’re my friends. They’re not going to it’s not going to kill our friendship. But it’s just one of those things where you also don’t want to alienate or you don’t want to just be in a cocoon when people want you to be with them. You know what I mean? Like you don’t want to it’s tricky. (pause) I did cancel my gym and join a new gym though. [00:17:15.08] That’s the other thing I did yesterday. Saved like $40 a month, so that’ll be good. Except I definitely it’s that time. You know how you just know you’re going to start exercising. I don’t know if you feel that way but I tend to just know when I’m going to start exercising again. And this place has racquetball courts, and I used to like to play racquetball. So I figure if nothing else I’ll just fucking go in there by myself and knock it’s so awesome. So I’ll do that. And my friend that I went fishing with is a member there, so he wants to (pause) You know what’s interesting, though, now that I’m thinking about it. [00:18:15.15] I mean yeah, my gum was kind of bothering me yesterday, and I started getting paranoid because I’m like fuck, I don’t have dental insurance. That’s a lot of money. And what’s going on here. Like I hope I started my mind went fucking gum disease or whatever the fuck. And I was like I don’t think I have gum disease, but I don’t know. You never fucking know what’s going on. And I mean it’s definitely irritated here, so I think it’s from the retainer, but I was like why now. I’ve been wearing it for years. Why is it suddenly and it’s like really bothers me. Like I wear my retainer and then after a few hours I you know that itchy feeling, like that shitty itchy it just I don’t know what the fuck it is. So anyway, so I found myself like I went to like CVS, I went to Star I mean like it filled time. [00:19:09.20] Now that I’m thinking about it, it kind of like really was it that big of a deal? I mean I have mouthwash, I have floss, I have I’m good about home remedy, solved in warm water. I know how to fucking but now that I’m thinking about how I do these things it really is a way I think to it just kills time and also gets me out of the house kind of. I’m just out. And I even wasn’t even thinking straight. Two things happened last night. I went to Star Market and I saw a baking soda toothpaste kind of thing. And I bought it. I read it and I bought it. I get home, it’s not they’re refill cartridges for you know what I mean? [00:20:03.10] I was like what? Just not thinking. I read the fucking box and it just you know what I mean? That’s one. Then even worse, at CVS, I had two mouthwash things in my hand. I’m like online on my phone reading about does any of this shit even work or what am I spending money on or whatever. I panic, so I go to check if my phone’s in my pocket. I literally like flipped out for three seconds. My phone was in my hand. I’m checking online, you know what I mean? I was like what the fuck. Like I was like I’m out of it today. I’m just not I’m so I think there’s just a lot on my mind and it’s just...

THERAPIST: It’s a lot of turbulence inside.

CLIENT: Yeah, as much as there’s a lot of good stuff, I just it’s very...

THERAPIST: Turbulence settles somewhere and [inaudible] bad either. [00:21:08.04] this bad [inaudible] I just don’t think it applies anymore.

CLIENT: Yeah, that’s true. [00:21:14.10] That’s true.

THERAPIST: You’re functioning in so many ways. But there’s a lot to register and [inaudible]

CLIENT: What’s that?

THERAPIST: In this work it’s good. That means it’s going to come out and settle in new places that are healthier. But while it’s coming out it feels really [inaudible] (pause) So killing time: why do you need to kill time?

CLIENT: I think I just get restless. There’s so many evenings when I get restless around like 9, 10 o’clock. [00:22:04.00] I don’t feel sleepy at all. I feel very awake and I feel restless, especially the weather is nice or whatever. What is there to do. I don’t I’m not going to bars much or whatever. I just take a little drive and what’s open? What bums me out about that is it’s a small proportionally not as bad, but that’s kind of what my kooky aunt does in Portsmouth, right. At all hours of the night she’ll be just out. Sometimes just driving and going to CVS and this. That’s the sign of, like you said, just a turbulent mind. Like it’s not there’s something going on that isn’t finding an outlet and is masking itself with these other kinds of things. [00:23:09.10]

THERAPIST: What does it feel like when you say [inaudible] restless. Where do you feel it in your body?

CLIENT: It’s hard to say. I mean lately it’s been like just a headachy, even like almost in my face or something, like a little headachy.

THERAPIST: Like a kind of tightness almost?

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, kind of. Yeah. And then you’re not breathing right kind of. It’s like kind of it’s not pain but it’s like a you’re wound up kind of, so you feel a little something. So sometimes I’ll realize that. I’ll take a deep breath. Well I don’t know if I’m breathing right. [00:24:03.11] You know what I mean? Like I think because I think I might hold my breath some -

THERAPIST: You might not be, yeah.

CLIENT: What’s that?

THERAPIST: You might not be [inaudible] tension.

CLIENT: Yeah, and you don’t realize it. Or my shoulders, I’ll feel like I’m just like this or something.

THERAPIST: So it’s a lot of tension.

CLIENT: Big time. Oh yeah, yeah. I mean I’ve said, right, every time the few times I get a massage, they’re always like holy shit. And then like total inability to concentrate.

THERAPIST: What happens? Your mind will [inaudible]

CLIENT: Like so even Netflix isn’t working. You know what I mean? I can’t, you know what I mean? Like even when I put on my favorite comfort food show like The Office or something, I’m just kind of not really relaxed. (pause) So then I’ll be like jumping from one website to another to another, like I’ll just constantly be (pause)

THERAPIST: It’s almost like roaming around ends up feeling soothing to whatever is that antsy, anxious feeling.

CLIENT: Yeah, because in some ways driving, even though we do it so naturally, right, but you do have to be it does make you kind of put other things on hold a little bit because you’ve got to focus on the road or whatever. Or when you’re in a CVS or something, you’re looking at products, you just you see some other people wandering around. [00:26:02.25] You just somehow it’s not great but...

THERAPIST: It pulls you out of your head a little bit.

CLIENT: A little bit, yeah, yeah, a little bit. I mean in some ways that’s how you know you’ve got to go to the gym. I think that’s what the gym does. It’s I mean other than obviously important to be coming here, but I just mean there’s some energy that needs to be released, and if nothing else that’s at least a good way to...

THERAPIST: [inaudible] physiological [inaudible]

CLIENT: Yeah, when you’re exercising you can’t think. There’s no time to sit there and dwell, and it literally forces your brain to empty itself. At least for me it does. (pause)

THERAPIST: And it also may be time to go to the couch. [00:27:09.05]

CLIENT: Yeah. It’s not that I don’t think about that. I think I know that that’s what I should be doing.

THERAPIST: What do you think about [inaudible]

CLIENT: Yeah, I’m shy. I just feel embarrassed to do it. But I know that it’s I have no doubt that it would help.

THERAPIST: And embarrassed [inaudible]

CLIENT: I don’t know. It just makes me feel self-conscious. It’s just...

THERAPIST: I wonder about that. I mean people have all different reactions to the couch.

CLIENT: I have no idea. I think it’s because I don’t know what to expect. I don’t know how I’m going to feel. [00:28:02.07] And then just on a superficial you don’t well I’m that person that lies on the couch. It’s just kind of it makes I don’t know. It’s not a bad thing at all, but it just makes me feel self-conscious. In a way it’s like coming here in the beginning, right. It took me quite a while. So some people I think are more resistant because they bring some skepticism or they bring whatever. Or they’re just scared of whatever the fuck.

THERAPIST: Who’s that person, when you say I’m that person.

CLIENT: Just like it’s that superficial layer of just a stereotype of someone who goes to a shrink and lays on a couch.

THERAPIST: See, that’s what I mean. Who is that person in your head?

CLIENT: I don’t think of...

THERAPIST: [inaudible] coming to mind. That’s a weak person? That’s a...

CLIENT: Oh, no, no. I mean it’s almost everybody at this point.

THERAPIST: I know that. There’s some other meaning in your mind about what that person means. Is that just someone who’s sick, who’s really crazy. Does it mean it’s somebody who...

CLIENT: Not really, no. [00:29:11.09]

THERAPIST: Is needy? Is it somebody who’s...

CLIENT: No, it’s just no. Not at all.

THERAPIST: It’s something.

CLIENT: I don’t know. I just think it’s like yup, I’m joining that I’m joining everybody else now.

THERAPIST: [inaudible] that kind of thing.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah, something like that. But not in a bad way, just wow, like I’m in that...

THERAPIST: So you’re ordinary.

CLIENT: What’s that?

THERAPIST: Like an ordinary person almost.

CLIENT: Yeah, kind of. Like wow, like everybody else I’m laying on the couch. Or something. I have no idea. I think mostly it’s just fear. That’s all it is. I think that other stuff is that falls away very quickly. I think it’s just fear of and just embarrassment of just feeling a little awkward, what am I going to say or feel or and then it’s a big change. [00:30:08.20]

THERAPIST: I mean it also might be one of those [inaudible] of your anxiety.

CLIENT: That I’m not doing that. Yeah.

THERAPIST: In other words...

CLIENT: Because I know that I should...

THERAPIST: ...anticipating this. You’re saying you have been thinking about it. In some ways you might know you can start to see how that might be helpful. So all this anxiety stirring about, being antsy for something to happen in your external life could be also about here, and it could be that it happens and you feel tremendous relief.

CLIENT: Right, that’s true. Yeah, that’s true. That’s true. (pause) Yeah, no, I should do it. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll do it tomorrow. We’ll see. We’ll see.

THERAPIST: I can close my eyes.

CLIENT: I know. That’s the funny thing, is I know it’s so not a big deal, but (pause)

THERAPIST: It’s funny and it isn’t. [inaudible]

CLIENT: I just mean that the actual act of laying on the couch is like who gives a shit. [00:31:25.23] But it’s what it represents and what might what it might bring out or whatever.

THERAPIST: You could always try it too.

CLIENT: Yeah, that’s the thing. Yeah, it’s not a big deal.

THERAPIST: See you tomorrow.

CLIENT: Thanks Claire [ph]. 3:10? Thanks. Have a good day.

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