TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Yeah, I didn’t fall asleep until like seven thirty. So then my alarm kept going off and I didn’t hear it.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Yeah. I haven’t been doing well since Friday. I got really, really hung over -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Friday night, Saturday morning.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: Like really bad. But I didn’t get sick which is kind of weird. But since then. I mean I think I was already kind of not I think I was saying last week, you know. And then between that and my gum being irritated I think it just triggered.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And my Mom going to the hospital. I think I’m just kind of down.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Yeah, I have been just feeling really (pause) I think different things got triggered. You know, at the fucking hospital. And it is not so much that I hate dentists, which I do.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But I was just thinking about this on my way here. Really what it is that I am It’s like it is another thing. I went through the expense of having braces and stuff and all that. [00:01:09]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: (laughs) And whatever it is, like the gap in my tooth I had a pretty big gap so I am glad I got braces. But I am like it is just another -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I couldn’t just have braces and then just be done. Do you know what I mean? Like now this, whatever this muscle is between my teeth, it is irritated and it’s probably got to be cut or something like that. It is probably not a huge deal. It’s not a big deal. But just the idea that it is kind of bothering me. I feel irritated.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: When I wear my retainers now it either really hurts or it feels really itchy and shit. I’m just like, “What the fuck, man?” (pause) So I don’t know, it has just been a lot of stuff. And it has made me very kind of And also I had a lot of social things to do over the weekend. And I found myself just kind of I did fine but I was pretty I really just wanted to be left alone. You know? [00:02:08]

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause)

CLIENT: So. (pause) Plus, you know, the way I am makes me focus on the physical.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know? I am obviously not in great pain. You know? So it is not like I have an abscess in my mouth or something. But, you know, these little things just kind of -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And then not being able to go to my friend’s bachelor party this weekend.

THERAPIST: Mm. That was this weekend?

CLIENT: Yeah. This coming weekend.

THERAPIST: This coming weekend.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: And I ran into my friend Bernard at the bar in Cheshire and he said, “Oh, man, just come down anyway.” He didn’t make me feel bad but he is just such a good guy. He was just like, “You know, Tim obviously really wants you there.”

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: He had a very small list of people he wanted at his bachelor party. And he said, “You know, it doesn’t matter man. It’s like we have all not had money before. Just come. You know, people are going to buy drinks and stuff. And just come down. You will figure it out.” You know? [00:03:13]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But I am just not feeling it. You know? And then I feel bad for that. Do you know what I mean? I’m like, yeah, that is fine but it is a four and a half, five hour drive.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I don’t know. It is just a lot of stuff. (long pause)

THERAPIST: I also wonder if anything here is stirring this up too and contributing in some way.

CLIENT: Maybe. Yeah. I mean, maybe, yeah. Because we are really like, things are progressing here. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Trying to get to deeper things. So, yeah, no, yeah, of course. No doubt. But I do think these other things though. If it was just this it would be very different.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But this past week and a half or whatever it is just, I don’t know. [00:04:25]

THERAPIST: Hm. (long pause)

CLIENT: And I am getting more headaches because of it. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Like almost every day I have like a tension headache. (clears throat)

THERAPIST: I’m wondering what happened Friday. The way you said it is, “I got really hung over Friday.” You didn’t even say drunk.

CLIENT: I didn’t think I was that drunk.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: That was the weird thing. I think it was because these fucking guys. I went to my friend’s jazz thing in Cheshire. [00:05:30]

THERAPIST: This was Friday night?

CLIENT: Yeah. And I walked so, you know, I wasn’t thinking at all about drinking or why walk there. But the jazz thing was only wine and I don’t really like wine. But I will do white wine or whatever. So I had white wine. Okay. Then we went to the local bar around the corner and then I was having beer, lite beer.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Okay fine. But these guys, when they showed up they start ordering shots of vodka.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And pretty big shots of vodka. And I didn’t have a whole one myself but I, you know, I took a lot of sips. So wine, vodka, beer.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I don’t know. That is just not. So I think I definitely was drunk by the time I fell asleep. But most of the night I just felt buzzed but I didn’t feel, you know. But then when I woke up it was just like, “Wow.” I mean. [00:06:33]

THERAPIST: How were you feeling that night being out and about?

CLIENT: Okay. I mean I think this thing had already kind of started. It was the day after I had [come to the] (ph) emergency room for my Mom. I was just, you know, just a lot on my mind, man. Just a lot going on right now. And it is just a lot to process. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But it was okay. You know? I don’t know. It is hard to know these days how I am feeling in a way. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Like today I woke up and I’m like, “Fuck, I’m late.” But it kind of felt good in a way. You know, “Wow, it is really nice outside.” Do you know what I mean? Like it is hard to gage. Yeah, it’s bothering me but, I don’t know, I am not knocked on my ass or something. I can’t tell how (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I am just kind of, I am a little kind of blah, I guess. I don’t know. It is hard to explain. I don’t know. I had a great practice last night. You know? I think it goes back to what you said. It is no longer a thing about like, “Today I am down.” [00:07:52]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But I feel like any one day I seem to have these (pause)

THERAPIST: But that is also ordinary. So I mean it is less about whether you are up or down but what is happening inside.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: [What things mean. What you’re feeling inside.] (ph)

CLIENT: I guess that is what I am trying to say. I am having trouble deciphering what is triggering what or what.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know, there is money that I am worried about. There is a new business I am trying to do. Now I am thinking about doing a masters degree. And my Mom’s in the It is a lot of shit.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Do you know what I mean? So I can’t tell anymore what is the root cause of making me You know. Yeah, okay, my gum is bothering me. But really when I think about, even though I hate going to the dentist, I know myself. I am a tough guy. I am going to go to the dentist.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: He is going to take care of it and that is going to be the end it. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I am not like I think it is all the little things. Or even my Mom. Yeah, we went to the emergency room, but do you know what? We were home two hours later and whatever. You know. Things are okay. I kind of almost knew things were okay from when I picked her up. [00:08:58]

THERAPIST: Mm hm. Mm hm.

CLIENT: I think it is just you add up a lot of little things. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm. A lot of little sort of ordinary doesn’t mean that they are not painful or scary, but ordinary life things. Like having (cross talking at 00:09:12).

CLIENT: But they take on symbolic meaning though.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Together they are hitting some deeper nerve.

CLIENT: Yeah. Like that hospital. I don’t want to step foot in that fucking place. You know, because of the history and, you know, all that. And like I said with my teeth, it is not Yeah, it is not a big deal but it is symbolizing like I got braces because I had a stupid gap in my teeth. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And I had to go through all this effort and now it is still not perfect or whatever after all that effort. You know? Now I have got to do something again. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Like money. Like, you know, like a negative account for a day or two. Whatever. And I am dealing with all of it.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But I think I am just tired. It is making me like I almost can’t, I don’t have the energy almost to just even have a social interaction with somebody beyond a certain period of time. You know? (pause) [00:10:12]

THERAPIST: Tell me about the hospital. What comes up for you there?

CLIENT: That is where my Dad died. It is where my Mom has been there now a couple of times all of a sudden the last few years. My grandmother.

THERAPIST: That is where your Dad died.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: At the hospital.

CLIENT: Well I don’t know where he died exactly but he was rushed to that hospital.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: My grandfather died in that hospital. I was born there.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: That is where I got stitches and, you know.

THERAPIST: Mm. There is a lot of sad and scary memories in there.

CLIENT: Mm hm. Mm hm.

THERAPIST: I mean that alone could be triggering.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was wondering about that too. I could be just residually exhausted from that.

THERAPIST: Yes. You could.

CLIENT: It was so Because that is how I am. I dealt with it. I was totally tough or whatever.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But now it is like a decompression of like -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Yeah. Because I am the type where I brace myself. I’m like, “Okay. My Mom could die today.” [00:11:20]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: (laughs) I am very like, I’m like, “Alright. Buckle up. Because, you know, she is elderly and you don’t know exactly what is going on and you could go there and she could not come home. So you have got to brace yourself.” And then, you know, two hours later you go home and it is, yeah, it is just like this -

THERAPIST: All that feeling that was braced down.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Not to mention the history of the number of times you have done that.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.

THERAPIST: And then really had all your feelings come out.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: I mean, it is a traumatic place -

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: the hospital. It is where bad things happen.

CLIENT: Mm hm. (long pause) [00:12:43]

THERAPIST: You made such a metaphor. You remember getting braces, to take care of this bracing yourself.

CLIENT: Mm.

THERAPIST: And yet you are irritated to find there is still more there.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: That the braces didn’t cure it.

CLIENT: (laughs) Mm hm. Yeah it’s like I can wear my retainer and push them back together but it fucking hurts.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: It is what you have been doing for a long time.

CLIENT: I’m sorry?

THERAPIST: You have been doing that.

CLIENT: Doing what?

THERAPIST: Pushing it back together.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Muscling your way through things.

CLIENT: Or yeah, like bracing. Yeah, yeah, right.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. (yawns) I don’t know. Yeah today, I mean this weekend So I had a date Saturday. Then that girl from Delaware, Uma. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: She came up Sunday night.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So I saw her Sunday night and most of all of Monday and she left Tuesday morning. And it was good but, man, I don’t know what I really just wanted to be alone. [00:13:54]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I did and I didn’t. It was this weird And all I can attribute that to is just there’s so much. I just, it is hard for me. It is hard because I don’t want to complain.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And you don’t know what to tell people in a way. I mean, I would say a little bit here and there.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And even from that people know that, “Well, hey you are dealing with a lot of stuff.” You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But I feel like they Not that they don’t get it. I just feel like I need to be alone with it or something.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know? I saw my friend Dave last night and he was saying how he just He’s like, (laughs) you know? Because we are the exact same age.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: He is like, you know, I don’t know, like a year ago Or I think he is a little bit older. But a year ago he was like, you know, he was saying, “You know a year ago I was thinking, you know, I still kind of had my hair. And I guess I should care more about really meeting somebody.” You know? [00:14:54]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: “And, you know, I still look pretty good for my age.” We are very similar that way. He has got a very youthful kind of, you know, whatever. But he is like, “I just don’t care kind of anymore. You know, there is a lot going on and I just can’t. I am not feeling it. You know? And I am tired of It is not good when you force it.” You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: For me I am still kind of trying. I really just want that connection with somebody. You know? But it is, it is exhausting.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know? It is exhausting and confusing. Because I think you start confusing yourself. Like then there is too much. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I am kind of dating this girl, I hooked up with that one. What is real? What isn’t?

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: Especially when you are changing this much (inaudible at 00:15:52).

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It is like even just that if your feelings, what you are actually feeling about things day to day is bubbling up more to the surface.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Instead of the usual armor -

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That kind of keeps the braces that keep a lot of it bay.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: Then even in kind of meeting a new person or going to a party -

CLIENT: Right, right, right.

THERAPIST: like it is there with you.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: And it is so new that it does make sense that it feels kind of like, “Well, what do I do with this? I am in public.”

CLIENT: And it is more tiring.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And it makes my fuse shorter for just like trivial shit. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I just, I am not in the mood. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I know you can’t know this right now but that feeling will get better.

CLIENT: That is the one thing I told her. We were talking and I was like, you know, I was like, “The thing is I know” Because she was asking. You know, the thing is I have been more honest lately.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Even girls I have just hooked up with. Not that I am hooking up with a million girls, but like two girls.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I have told them. You know, because they are texting me. They want to, you know. And I would be like, “Listen, I am just going to tell you honestly. I have been doing like very serious psychoanalysis.” [00:17:05]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: “For like whatever. And I was like, “It is just on top of everything else I have going on it has made me very I am just processing a lot. And it makes me You know, I am doing well.” You know. And I tell them, “It is a very healthy thing that this is happening.”

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: “I actually feel a lot better.” I was like, “But it does make want to kind of be with myself and kind of I am in my own head.” And I was like, “It is hard for me to give a lot of time.” Whatever, I don’t know. I have tried to explain.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But, yeah, I took her up to the shore. And I was telling her, I was like, “You know, even this.” I mean I just told her, “Even like this right now “

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I was like, “This wouldn’t really happen a while back. You know? I would either make an excuse to not see you or I would have a fucking panic attack. I would have taken an Atavan while we were hanging out.”

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Or something, I don’t know. But I was like, “You know, yeah, I kind of have a headache. You know? And I feel tired and I am having trouble focusing a little bit.” (laughs) But, you know, we went up there and we had a nice time. You know? So I definitely know, for a fact I know, things are getting better. I haven’t had a panic attack for, I don’t know, for how long? [00:18:28]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And I definitely know that I am managing it. You know, there is some anxiety going on but yeah. (long pause)

THERAPIST: I also think right now we are on a brink of that not knowing what is next or what to do with Even here. Bringing in your feelings in here. You know, like on the couch, not on the couch,” whatever that means ultimately about being more vulnerable.

CLIENT: Right, right.

THERAPIST: Having more of what [you keep out of here] (ph) a lot.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: I mean, I think that also hovers here as a question of, what does that look like? What does it feel like?

CLIENT: Yeah. Like what are the things that are going to come up that -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I still kind of can’t put words too or something. [00:19:34]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: And that being alone, like in a way, you can even be feeling that here too. Like it is safer almost just to just be by yourself.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You know?

CLIENT: Yeah. I don’t feel it that much here.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I mean I really look forward to coming here. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But yeah, yeah. I mean, if nothing else what happens when I leave here -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: It is like the gym or something. I mean, I just need down time or something.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: So, you know, you are doing it three times a week.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And forget the three times a week. If you have been doing a decade -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: off and on pretty regularly, when it starts to get to this level then it is really like, you know. It is yeah. I am assuming it is a pretty normal thing. Yeah, so I am having trouble with like trivial banter. [00:20:34]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know, I will do it but it is kind of like I’m just tired. You know? (long pause)

THERAPIST: Now you are starting to feel the sadness that has been there.

CLIENT: Yeah, sadness but also, yeah, sadness and still kind of getting used to let go. Yeah, so this is kind of a normal or -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I am not depressed. I am not skipping down the street.

THERAPIST: I didn’t say depressed. Very different.

CLIENT: What is that?

THERAPIST: In other words, not depressed.

CLIENT: That is what I mean. Yeah. I am getting used to this thing where even when I feel like this, which is I don’t feel that great, I still know that I’m good.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Absolutely.

CLIENT: That is new. You know, where I would wake up and I am like, “Fuck, I am late. I didn’t sleep all night. God damn it!” [00:21:35]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: “And my teeth are still kind of “ But I am like, “Oh shoot, it is so beautiful outside.” (laughs)

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: You know? There is something very different. Where I am already like, “Okay.” I will rush over to Claire. But then I will come home and I will get my laptop and I will go outside and enjoy the weather.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: That is a very different, you know.

THERAPIST: There is enough of yourself intact (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah. That is what I am trying to say. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Then it is resilient to -

CLIENT: Yeah. And it is no longer like, “I feel this way and no one else does.”

THERAPIST: Right. Right.

CLIENT: Or, “Why is this braces thing happening to me.” It’s like, “Well, no. It happens to a lot of people that get braces.”

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (laughs)

CLIENT: They even tell you that. That, “Listen, you know, your teeth might shift.” Or, “If you have this muscle right there we might have to clip it down the road.”

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I mean, these aren’t really big deals. You know? In the past they would become Even the hospital. Yeah, I do have an extra whatever history. But I think a lot of people have died. It is a fucking hospital. Bad shit has happened at that hospital and good shit. You know? My Mom is okay. They fixed her hip. They, you know. [00:22:42]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I mean, you know. But all of that, even though it is great, it is just all new. So, yeah, like you said I just never kind of know. Or I don’t know what it is leading to. Like I have been like, “Am I feeling this way because something is about to come up.” Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yeah. It is new even just to be in ordinary pain. Like ordinary, very intense sadness. Which is not depression.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It doesn’t mean you feel great because it feels horrible in your emotional state.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Things coming up. But it is very different than being Almost depression is it kind of circumvents all the feelings.

CLIENT: Yes. Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: And then you are just low and down. Like the feelings are new.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: The good feelings, the bad feelings.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I mean, you know.

CLIENT: I mean, yeah. Even with all of this, you know, I wrote to the guy at UConn about that program?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I wrote to London about the PhD.

THERAPIST: Hm. Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah, this is very Yeah, like you said, I guess now it is kind of like, “Oh, so this is what everyday people “ [00:22:49]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know? (pause)

THERAPIST: Now we just get to know what your feelings are.

CLIENT: Mm hm. (pause)

THERAPIST: See you tomorrow.

CLIENT: Okay. 12:15. Thank you, Claire.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: See you tomorrow.

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