TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: ... Good. A couple of dates. I already gave you Thanksgiving but I just wrote this down for you again.

CLIENT: Oh cool, cool. Thanks.

THERAPIST: So Thursday, Friday of Thanksgiving I'm out.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: And then the week of Christmas -

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: I am taking off as well as the following Wednesday which is New Year's Day.

CLIENT: Okay. Cool.

THERAPIST: I am here New Year's Eve. I'll be here.

CLIENT: Okay. Sounds good. Thank you.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I am probably not going to go to San Diego tomorrow but I don't know if you already gave that slot away or whatever.

THERAPIST: Hm. I did.

CLIENT: You did?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: No problem. No problem. That's fine. Yeah, I'm too tired. I don't know if I feel like it. If I go maybe I'll just go Saturday or just -

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: I think it has been sensory overload, I think, for the past week with my friend here and like all these thoughts and all these things going on. I'm just tired. And yesterday I kind of had like a, I have been feeling extra anxious since yesterday. [00:01:00]

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: I think just because of all this, you know, just everything going on. And then he showed his film last night which I thought was pretty good. I think it is his best one.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: You know, it is pretty powerful, kind of an emotional film. And yet and afterwards I suddenly got like a I just had one of those moments where people were just talking. I was standing up and I suddenly thought I was going to pass out.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: And I felt kind of -

THERAPIST: Like lightheaded?

CLIENT: I don't know what it was. Suddenly I just felt like I was just totally about to pass out. Yeah, just kind of out of body, kind of disconnected, weird. It felt weird.

THERAPIST: Hm. Something about the film?

CLIENT: I think probably the film and just all the things I have been thinking about that I talked about yesterday. Just tired. And also I'm just tired. It's like the chicken or the egg. I think it's like that. (sigh) [00:02:06]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: (pause) And then last night I didn't sleep. I mean we went out afterwards. We took him for drinks and this and that.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I was just amped. I just couldn't sleep until like four thirty. Yeah, and then today I'm like You know, these days I'm always like, "Why am I really doing something?"

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So was like, "Yeah, I do want to go to San Diego. But why am I really going?" I'm going to meet a girl or two that I have talked with, or whatever. But, you know?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Then it's like the Uma situation. You know? Then what?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I'm going to go to San Diego every week or every other week or, I don't know. It's frustrating.

THERAPIST: [It was to meet two people you've ?] (ph)

CLIENT: Yeah. I've been talking to people and yeah. You know. They seem really cool. You know? But what is the -

THERAPIST: And then what?

CLIENT: Yeah, and then what am I going to do? You know, like that's I don't know.(sigh)

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:03:19) Assyria sort of if that's (cross talking).

CLIENT: Yeah. I think it's causing anxiety. Like I said, that realization that in a way I'm choosing not to pursue things.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I mean forget about Assyria. San Diego is San Diego. I mean even if I was staying here.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Yeah, some people can do that but, I mean, that is a lot of energy and expense.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And, I mean, it's you know. But yeah. So there are two levels. There is just a logistical every day thing. And then, yeah, there is a bigger almost existential kind of like, "What am I even?" And then if I go to Assyria, what? What? I'm going to marry some native Assyrian girl?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I don't know if that's me either. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I don't know. This whole thing is just difficult. (sigh) (pause) So I think it is just a lot of anxiety. And the film yeah. The film also did resonate because it is about a poet. [00:04:27]

THERAPIST: Oh. Really?

CLIENT: An Assyrian poet who is like my age, I think.

THERAPIST: Oh my goodness.

CLIENT: Who goes to Moldova. It's a very, very powerful film. I thought, you know, it was very well done.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: So, yeah, there is probably all these levels of -

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: just in terms of the genocide. But then just personal, I think it just wound me up. Like I was like, "Yes. I want to be out "

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: " having these adventures and meeting all these interesting people and connecting and "

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know? I mean these experiences. I don't know.

THERAPIST: What happened in the movie.

CLIENT: (yawns) Excuse me. Sorry. The spirits. Assyrian poet goes to Moldova. He has never been to Moldova. This is very loaded for Assyrians to go to Poland, right?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And particularly Moldova because it is a microcosm of, you know, whatever.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And also it is where the genocide started. You know? [00:05:32]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It is where they first gathered up the intellectuals and clergy and shipped them off and all that stuff. So he goes and then It is really the first film, I think, that has ever been made where Assyrians can see and kind of get to know certain Assyrians. Because there is an Assyrian community still in Moldova. I mean it used to be something like 400,000 Assyrians.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I think now it is like 30,000. But they are there. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So it is the first time you get to see that really in an interesting way. And then just, yeah, it was very powerful. It is also the first time you see Poles saying some really powerful, powerful stuff about our country is, we have a collective psychological problem in our countries built on, it is not a real foundation. It is built on the mythology, you know, that our hands are covered in blood.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I mean, just some powerful stuff that you hear from Poles that I have never, you know.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Yeah, it is very Everybody was, not just me, we were all very, it gets you going. Because you realize, "Oh my God!" It seems like something is happening. You know, the government still officially denies the genocide. But, I mean, this is in Poland.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You couldn't do that before. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: That's insane. Really, really crazy. So, yeah, just all that stuff. I don't know. It's just The Assyrian cemetery. You know that Square, right? Where those demonstrations happened in Poland?

THERAPIST: Oh, yes.

CLIENT: In the last year or whatever, right? Because the park was going to be torn down and all that? [00:07:36]

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: Well the part that most people The New Yorker had a good article about it but most people don't know is that that is an ancient Assyrian cemetery.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: So it's like, are they getting rid of the park? Or are they getting rid of Just another way to erase history. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So, you know, these things are very loaded things. You know? Yeah. It was just a very powerful film. But, yeah, I don't know. Afterwards I was just standing there talking and my friend said something about He looked at me and said something but it was about our friend that we were talking too. I think it was about her kid maybe.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Oh yeah, he said, "Have you seen how her daughter has grown." She is three or two or whatever. And I don't know, at that moment I suddenly just Yeah.

THERAPIST: Mm. Just what?

CLIENT: I thought I was going to pass out. [00:08:40]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I just thought I was going to pass out. Even now I don't feel quite I feel whacky. (pause)

THERAPIST: You feel feelings in your body so often first.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yesterday my left arm, then my left arm. I was feeling weird and I'm like, "Fuck. What is that?" And now like over here it feels kind of weird.

THERAPIST: Your feelings.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I wonder what about that moment would What struck you about that? When she says, "Look how much she has grown?"

CLIENT: I mean, I don't know. A lot of people said a lot of things. Like why that?

THERAPIST: But you remembered that.

CLIENT: No, because that was the moment. I mean I'm just remembering that. I mean, it is kind of hard to forget.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Just because I felt suddenly so (pause) I mean some of it could be, you know. (pause) It's both I think. You know, it also could be psychological it could be a little bit physical. I have had like a huge one of these during the movie and I was already You know? [00:10:05]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But, yeah.

THERAPIST: What's this? And what's this?

CLIENT: Yeah. Exactly. Who the fuck knows. Yeah. It is definitely something. I'm just revved up. I'm just revved up.

THERAPIST: I don't know why, I thought of the thought of your Dad.

CLIENT: Which one?

THERAPIST: "Look how much she's grown?" I don't know. The thought of your Dad as a little boy. That brought a lot of feeling.

CLIENT: Yeah. Honestly, I don't think it was anything about what the comment was. I think it was just sensory overload.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And I think, you know. Right before that happened it was a question and answer period. I was just kind of in the dark. I got up, I went outside, I joked around with some of my Assyrian friends, whatever, very quietly. And I was just hanging out. And then I think when it was over then it was, you know, just like people and they are, you know -

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: I think I just, yeah, it was just sensory overload I think. [00:11:06]

THERAPIST: Bombarded.

CLIENT: What's that?

THERAPIST: Bombarded.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's hard, man. Like it's hard when you want to both be out there in the world and yet you have to be careful of You know, like I always have to remember now that I am really an introvert. I am not an extrovert.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And I get rattled by a lot of, you know, sensory overload stuff. And maybe sometimes it's more amplified because of all this stuff. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: There is already so much. It's like tender, it's like a, what's it called? (pause) Like raw nerve endings. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: There's just so much going on that I'm very, you know. (pause) The one thing I did just remember though is that during the film I found myself getting I didn't really cry but I could have. [00:12:16]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I just found myself getting emotional. You know? I'm sure other people did too.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But for everyone it means something slightly different. You know? And I think for me it wasn't just the film, it was just all this stuff. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: So I think there was that too. So then when it was over that's still going on really. You know? I just felt very, very (pause)

THERAPIST: What's inside all of this stuff?

CLIENT: Hm?

THERAPIST: What is all this stuff?

CLIENT: It's just everything. You know? I think people, like Assyrians, I think are both, we live in a collective historical clusterfuck that we have up here. And then we have our own personal lives.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: So, do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I'll turn the (inaudible at 00:13:09) off.

CLIENT: That's okay. If your cold then -

THERAPIST: No. I'm fine.

CLIENT: So, yeah, that's a lot. Do you know what I mean? And then if you're an artist and you're sensitive, I mean it just adds to all that. You know? Then your family baggage.

THERAPIST: So even just sitting in the cultural sense of, you know, feeling bad about oneself, and then now add in your family. So layers of that.

CLIENT: What do you mean "feeling bad about yourself?"

THERAPIST: I mean, I'm intuiting that when you said "clusterfuck" of feelings.

CLIENT: Well, no, that's the weird thing. It's not really feeling bad. At least this case wasn't. It was the opposite. I think we felt revved up that, wow, it's exciting kind of.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: That's an unbelievable thing after a hundred years. And also we found out things later. Like that one scene, there were a lot of scenes that were powerful. But there was that one where these three Poles are sitting with the So the poet is meeting different people. You know? [00:14:14]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And this one guy with long hair is talking and he is just really articulate. And you can tell That was the thing. You could feel that the Poles aren't, they feel this anxiety too. And it is actually worse for them. We know our history. We're just sad and frustrated and angry about the injustice and all that. Their world is collapsing.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Right? I mean Poland is one of the most mythologized. Do you know what I mean? It is a long story but their history is fascinating -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: because right around the genocide, he just fucking revamped everything. They got rid of the script. They didn't have their own script. The got rid of the script.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: They slightly changed the way, like when I speak Polish it sounds Anatolian.

THERAPIST: Hm. Mm hm.

CLIENT: Like at Brown they were like, "Oh, that's so cute. Your Polish is so " It's like nineteenth century, Polish. You know?

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: So they made it sound a little more Germanic. You know, it is still Polish but, you know, the sounds are a little harsher sounding. So, I mean, and Assyria is a These people have no idea what has happened, a lot of them. You know? [00:15:28]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And then when they find out they are literally fucked. They are psychologically, it is traumatizing. So this guy is like, you know, my grandparents, our grandfathers killed your grandparents in a brutal There was no confusion, there was no They knew exactly what they were doing.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I mean, it's just, that's a So it's kind of exciting in a way.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Because that is all we want to hear. I mean, we are not getting those lands back. You know? Most of us are done with that. Who is going to go live in They are beautiful, stunning. Some of the most beautiful I have ever seen. But we are realists. Do you know what I mean? So in some ways you just want an apology. You know, use the word -

THERAPIST: Or even an acknowledgement.

CLIENT: An acknowledgement of the word genocide.

THERAPIST: yes.

CLIENT: An a real apology, not some kind of So to hear these kinds of things. [00:16:27]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But anyway, later Hank (sp) said, "Those three guys." He's like, "Here that doesn't mean that much," other than just what I just said.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: He's like, "In Poland, those three guys are three of the biggest actors in Poland." So people are going to know exactly who those people are.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And to hear something like that, that's verboten. You couldn't, you know, that is straight to prison. You know? Just a couple of years ago.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (cross talking at 00:16:57)

CLIENT: So, yeah, things like that, it just works you up. Like you feel all these mixed emotions but you are also kind of excited.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know? I mean I want to go to Moldova. I mean, now I am realizing, wow, that is almost the center now of our future.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Whatever is going to happen is going to happen. It's not Assyria. Assyria is a corrupt little semi-democracy. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But the real progress that is going to happen between Poles and Assyrians is going to happen in Moldova, by Poles. You know, they have to come to terms. We've come, we know what has happened to us. They have to now as a country come to terms with something that's pretty hard core.

I don't know what the point of any of this is. But, yeah, so it was just, you know, it got people really revved. A few people were like, you know, I'm like shivering afterwards. They were like, "I feel rattled." You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm. You feel it at the broader, to the world you know but you also keep referring that it's also all of this.

CLIENT: So it's both. Well because it's like both it's the movie and what it brought. Like it is a big, big, big, big, heavy thing that it represents for a lot of people. [00:18:09]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But then it is also, you know, poetry.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Right? There's a poet in it. And my feeling of, see, that is the world I want to be part of.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: All these interesting people. Like where is that? It's like Mars.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Where does that happen around here? People just sitting around. There is no joking. I mean they are joking, but when they joke everything is from the gut.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know? Their jokes are so viscerally funny and cutting and, you know? And then it is also these heartfelt serious discussions. You know? Just, I don't know, man.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: So that got me going too. Those are my people. Do you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Yeah, maybe we won't be best friends. Maybe I won't even like a lot of these people.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But I just want, even if it is for a week, those are experiences. I need that kind of -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know, you go to these people's houses and there are all these like older, interesting, bohemian, wacky type people. [00:19:11]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: They recite poetry, they make jokes, they know everything about their local history.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I mean it is just fascinating. The shop keepers, the, yeah. That is just something we lack here. We just don't have that anymore here. You know? I don't know if we ever did. So yeah, that.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So It is all these different, you know.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. You're longing for that.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: That basically things are happening out in the world that I am not a part of. Like that's where I'm Like things are shifting, things are happening, there are movements.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Do you know what I mean? And that is what I want to be part of?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I want to be part of something. You know? Like I feel like those people are living history. We are just kind of, I don't know what we are doing here. It's like we kind of notice history sometimes. Like, "Oh yeah, remember that war that we are still fighting?" Do you know what I mean? [00:20:14]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Like, "Oh, that's sad about that shooting spree in New Jersey." You know? Like history is like these little blips that we are not really connected to it.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Then we just get up and we do our little routines and then we go home and then we do it again. At least that is how I feel. Maybe it's just me. But I don't feel, I'm not connected to anything.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: We are all just drifting along. Kind of like it's all automated.

THERAPIST: Mm. This is like, it's like an image of a place you would want to be part of.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You could feel like you are an insider.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Feel like you belong.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. (inaudible at 00:20:59) with Assyria in a way. There's all these like wacky, bohemian. There is still a real bohemia in those parts of the world. We don't have that here anymore because you can't. Unless you are going to be a hobo. Or unless you are going to live in East Bumfuck where you can just live so cheap if you have some money. You know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You can't have a real bohemia around here anymore. It's just not It's a fake bohemia. Do you know what I mean? It is people like me that Well, no I'm not fake but you know what I'm saying.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Like it is all this kind of stylized. Whereas these people they are living it. That is just their lives. They are not thinking about what is cool, what is not. They are just living their lives.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. (pause)

CLIENT: I mean that is why I love my Assyrian friends. That is actually kind of You know, these guys, it's just so awesome. Like we went to the Assyrian social club, the men's club, afterwards. You know, big table, we are just eating hummus and cheese and drinking adach (ph) and having discussions. But then joking. [00:22:16]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It's a real like very heart I can't explain it.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Scotland is like that too. I mean, it is not like an east-west thing. You know? Scotland is very salt of the earth.

THERAPIST: Mm hnm.

CLIENT: You know? Like just something. There is something.

THERAPIST: You feel more connected to this community. It's what you're longing for for a while.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It feels like home for you.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) But, you know, Hank (ph), we talked about it again on the way to the airport today. You know, he's like, "Look, you're right. You are on the right track." You know? You can't just leave here and think that something will be that different. Right?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: He's like, "Just do what you are doing. You are right about that. You need to be able to leave and come back, leave and come back." But he's like, "And that is not easy."

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: It's like, you know, I don't have any money. (laughs) So I just somehow, you know, I scrounge it together.

THERAPIST: Mm hm..

CLIENT: You know? Or I get invited by a festival and they pay for the hotel. [00:23:25]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know? Or he's like, "Sometimes you will have money, sometimes you won't. Sometimes you'll have money." You know, it just depends. But he's like, "But, you're right, that is what this is all " You know? "You're right to be thinking of it that way."

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Because we don't have any other alternative.

THERAPIST: Well maybe, you know, what you are imagining then is these places where you can feel like that fits right in. Like somehow it doesn't feel, at least in your mother's family, maybe even as your experience of United States culture. It's like that doesn't That somehow being cast as an outsider instead of Like lots of bohemian coming and going kind of lifestyles being ordinary.

CLIENT: Right, right.

THERAPIST: Where you can feel like an insider.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Not feel bad about that being your lifestyle.

CLIENT: Right. Right. Well, and it is also like a fountain. You reenergize.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Just like I did.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Every time I got back from London those two times I initially felt pretty awesome. [00:24:34]

THERAPIST: Yeah. Hm.

CLIENT: Because you are reenergizing. You're drinking from that fountain.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You come back, you see your friends, you can focus more a little bit because you are still kind of connected. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And then, but, after six months, whatever, you have got to go again. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Or you have got to somewhere else. To some poetry festival or whatever the fuck it is.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And you have got to feel like you are, you know.

THERAPIST: What is exciting is this genocide (ph) it feels like you. It feels like your life that you are talking about .

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: What feels like home for you.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Instead of trying to be something else.

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Instead of trying to be what others (cross talking at 00:25:25).

CLIENT: And the last part of that is just the romantic component. You know? I think that is the final I'm just realizing that this is kind of it. I'm either going to meet someone who gets that -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: or I'm just not. And I'm going to date here, date there. I have to learn to live with that.

THERAPIST: Mm. But there's a way even the romantic component has gotten caught up in your mother's expectations in a way. Like how you are supposed to be embracing this lifestyle, [and this woman] (ph) and this marriage, and this like living in Darien for the rest of your life. And there hasn't been this space to really first think about whether that is really you.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: And then what kind of person fits into the person you really want to be in life. A life you want to have. It's so different.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

(long pause) [00:26:51]

CLIENT: And I think a lot of it is still that waking up from a coma.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I think I just, yeah. I think that is a lot of it too. I just suddenly have these moments where I just feel so overwhelmed. It is like you are suddenly so awake.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And it's kind of neither good nor bad in a weird way.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Like it just is. You know? So I think I have these moments where I am just overcome or something. You know?

(long pause) [00:28:14]

CLIENT: You know, the other thing too is I really want to, I want to improve my Assyrian to the point where I can speak the way I am speaking now, in Assyrian.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I think that is the other thing I have realized watching these films and it's just the way I have been feeling lately. (cough) [What's up?] (ph)

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:28:35)

CLIENT: Yeah, you know, there is something about it. It's important to me. You know, maybe just as a writer, as someone who, in terms of communicating.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know.There is something about, you know, it is your history.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. But also [it sounds like] (ph) it feels like you.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I have an unusually, for whatever reason, both sides are very a hundred percent equally kind of. Like it is a weird (pause) You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah. I don't mean it doesn't feel like you to speak English and -

CLIENT: Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you mean.

THERAPIST: Not that it's (inaudible at 00:29:31)

CLIENT: I just mean that it is an unusual I think that is the other thing I am coming to terms with, that I just don't know people like me.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I just don't. Most people are, they are either a little more American than Assyrian or they are a little bit more Assyrian than they are American.

THERAPIST: Mm hm. Well whatever the culture, in a way.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Right, exactly.

THERAPIST: Assimilating not as much.

CLIENT: Right. (pause) But also as a writer I think I'm realizing, you know what? I do want to be able to read and delve into Assyrian poetry -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: In a more, in as close a way to the way I do it in English. You know? Instead of constantly struggling with, I can read it but my diction isn't at that level So I can read it but then it takes me a while to really understand certain words and all that. [00:30:34]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So I just, I think it is important for me to improve that.

THERAPIST: Hm. (long pause) So it sounds like going to Assyria is -

CLIENT: In the back of my mind, yeah, that has been part of it too. That, you know, I am already fluent so if I was there for a while I think I would really, that is all it would take.

THERAPIST: Yeah. (pause)

CLIENT: Same with Polish.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: If I was in Moldova for a while it would be pretty cool to speak Polish way better than I speak it now. You know? [00:31:41]

THERAPIST: How well do you speak Polish relative to -

CLIENT: Proficiently.

THERAPIST: To Assyrian?

CLIENT: Oh, compared to Assyrian?

THERAPIST: Not quite as well?

CLIENT: No, I'm fluent in Assyrian.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I am proficient in Polish. So I could go to Poland and, yeah, I could order things and have a pretty decent conversation. "What do you do? Where are you from? What brings you to Poland?" bah, bah, bah. You know.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So, yeah, it's pretty, you know. It is enough that if I was there for like a month or two it would really improve.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: You know?

(long pause)

THERAPIST: It's exciting.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: [It's sad too.] (ph) [00:32:50]

CLIENT: It is exhausting is what it is but, you know. Oh, yeah, it is exciting. And that causes anxiety too. That is the fucking problem with anxiety. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Once you are prone to it then you start realizing even when you are feeling pretty good, you just have to be aware that you could still feel very anxious.

THERAPIST: What do you think just now when you said, "That causes anxiety too." What about excitement causes anxiety?

CLIENT: Again, it is just the raw nerve endings. Just something feels raw.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: You know. Well, depending on why you have anxiety or whatever. But someone like me where it is like everything feels all new and possibilities. And like I am finally living my life or something. That is a lot, man. That is a lot. And that is going to take quite a while to not to feel Do you know what I mean? [00:33:54]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: That is going to take quite a while, a long time, to feel like, "Okay, this is who I am now."

THERAPIST: Sure. Yeah.

CLIENT: No big deal. You know what I mean? Because it has been so long. It is forty years of not that.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So it is very rattling. Like you just So then what happens is you're talking and suddenly you have this like out of body like -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: "Wait. Whoa. Why am I?" You know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Or you hear yourself suddenly saying something like, "Oh, I would never do that before."

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: There are all these like split second synapses going. You know?

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: But they are -

THERAPIST: The other thing that I'm somehow reminded of when you say "waking up from a coma," and your "raw nerve endings," about finally getting to be yourself. It reminds me a little bit of like what a baby feels when everything is new. And we can [only really] (ph) conceptualize this because they don't have words yet. We can't describe when everything is new and it is going well. It is still a lot of stimulation.

CLIENT: Oh yeah. The baby is all jittery and yeah.

THERAPIST: Hopefully not, if there is enough of a container. Right? In other words, the parent who holds, who gets rid of the stimulation when there is too much. Right? [00:35:13]

CLIENT: Mm.

THERAPIST: Puts the baby to bed, feeds the baby. There is a lot of help with a baby's mind getting to know the world. And one of things that can happen is if parts of yourself sort of got stuck with your mother being intrusive or meddling or critical or telling you how to be that is not you.

If that part of you is starting to wake up for the first time, that was at a very young age went deep inside. It is, in a way, like where is the container for all this? Where is the soothing? Who is going to hold me as I am bombarded with the new world that is in front of me?

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: It is a lot.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: I think that is part of why the retreat from too much of the outside world is what you are doing for self-care right now.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah.

THERAPIST: Like it is almost too much.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: That is a good thing now.

CLIENT: Yeah. That is what happened today after I dropped Hank (ph) off. It was like, "You know what? I think I just need to stay home."

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: A day or two or just get back to just some quiet and Cecelia. And traveling to San Diego, what am I doing? [00:36:25]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know.

THERAPIST: Mm. Too much.

CLIENT: Yeah. It is too much.

(long pause) [00:37:51]

CLIENT: I have been still seeing a lot of vivid dreams too but I haven't been writing them down the last week or so.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But pretty much every night.

THERAPIST: Mm. (pause) There are synapses at night too.

CLIENT: Yeah. It is like working all this stuff out when you are sleeping.

THERAPIST: Mm Hm. Sure.

CLIENT: Your mind is like -

THERAPIST: Sure. That is how dreaming is.

CLIENT: Yeah. It is crazy.

(long pause) [00:39:50]

THERAPIST: So next week?

CLIENT: Wednesday?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: Thanks, Claire. Have a good weekend.

THERAPIST: You too.

CLIENT: Thanks.

END TRANSCRIPT