TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: The construction moved up to (inaudible at 00:00:15) Cemetery. Fucking nightmare.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:00:22)

CLIENT: It wasn’t that bad, it’s just funny. They finish one place and then they immediately pop up somewhere else. It’s so funny.

(pause)

I was thinking the one thing that is bumming me out is my band situation. There’s a bummer. [00:01:00] That’s a tougher—it’s almost tougher to say good-bye to that than my family – especially my friend Stu. That’s not a reason to stay, really.

What I’m reminding myself of is that things have changed so much, now. In a way, we could still – if we wanted to, I could send him tracks. It’s not a big deal anymore. It wouldn’t really be a band feel.

I have to remind myself that it would be like the Tara (sp) situation. If I gave up Assyria to stay here until I found some guys to play with, that’s not… [000:02:03] Stu’s married. It’s not like they want to hop in a van. They probably would the ones, eventually, to be like, “Man, I can’t go on that tour.” Not in a bad way! It would be silly of me to expect…

In other words, they’re serious about it. At the same time, they have real other obligations and marriages and this and that. It would be really shitty if, later, I was like, “Wait, I didn’t take that opportunity because I wanted to make sure I could play Quebec?”

It’s a bummer. They’re so into it.

I think what I’m going to do is tell them the truth, which is that I really am leaving temporarily—I mean, I don’t know how long. That it’s really a hiatus kind of thing. [00:03:02]

(pause)

THERAPIST: What are you going to be sad telling about it? Stu?

CLIENT: It’s really hard to find—it’s mostly Stu. The other guys are nice guys, but Stu and I? It’s hard to find that kind of somewhat—it’s like a girlfriend. Someone you get along with so well who you also have this awesome chemistry. Nothing’s ever weird; I don’t have to tell him what to do.

That’s a bummer. I’m not saying I’m not going to find that in Assyria, but it’s highly unlikely. They have great musicians, but not—Assyria doesn’t know what the fuck indie rock—they don’t know what those sensibilities and aesthetics are. [00:04:06] There, I would really be a solo guy telling people how to play – when then I probably wouldn’t even do. I’d probably just play acoustic – yeah, I’d just do solo stuff. I’m sure maybe that’s what I need to do, I don’t know.

It’s hard enough to meet someone like that. It’s almost is like you’re like, “But if I leave, he’s going to find some other band, because he’s great. Then he’s not really going to want to play with me or he’s going to move on.”

I know, also, that’s it’s a bit immature. Stu loves the songs. (inaudible at 00:04:51) going to be bummed, but… He’s also the kind of guy that we could pick it right up where we left off if I came back. [00:05:02] Or that we would come up with a plan to send each other files. People do it. I don’t know.

I don’t know, it’s just a bummer. What are you going to do?

(pause)

THERAPIST: Do you feel like he feels that way about you, too?

CLIENT: What?

THERAPIST: That it really clicks, (crosstalk at 00:05:36)

CLIENT: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They all do, they all do. To me, Stu is the core member of the band. The other guys are totally replaceable.

We were even talking about it last night. He was saying how he wants to maybe replace them. We like them as people, but Grey (sp) is not really a drummer and Philip (sp) is not really a bass player, so they’re not really playing their main instruments, so it doesn’t sound quite—that’s the other thing I like about Stu, we’re both very—it’s not like a hobby, where we’re hanging out. [00:06:08] We know what we want to hear.

It’s hard to explain. I don’t have to explain the nuances. He just gets how it should sound. We’ve been recording—he and I have been doing this, he comes in and he’s basically recording me. He’s not playing that much on this. It’s working out really well. I don’t know.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:06:42), go find another band (inaudible at 00:06:46)?

CLIENT: It’s not that it would be easy. I’m saying that if he wanted to, he would be scooped up quickly because he’s super-talented and a really nice guy.

The thing I know is that they’re not—they’re also really into it, because the songs are really, really good. [00:07:05]

I’m just trying to remind myself that I can’t let it be like that Tara, what happened with Edinburgh – I can’t do that. The opportunities in Assyria very much outweigh…

The thing is, realistically, what are we going to do, anyway? With music in the States, you have to have some fluke YouTube hit. Or you have to constantly tour. Really, all we would be doing is being a good band that whoever hears us really likes but… Okay, yeah, we play San Diego, we do this, we do that. I don’t know… [00:08:00]

In a way, I think Stu’s in denial a little bit, too. It’s like, “Dude, are you really…? You just got married.” At some point—

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:08:08) tour the country?

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah—

THERAPIST: That opportunity (crosstalk at 00:08:10)

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We can’t do a Saturday night in San Diego and come back. At some point, you really have to be out there.

So there’s that, too. And, according to some of my friends, they’re like, “But, you’re going to – even musically – you’re going to reap a lot more reward in Assyria than you are here.”

(pause)

I think all it is, is just sad. I really like them, it’s a great—

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:08:56)

CLIENT: Yeah. I love our practice space. [00:09:00] They’re going to be bummed, especially Stu. I think Stu is going to be bummed. He really looks forward to being there and hanging out and doing our thing.

(pause)

On the other hand, I’m also going to save that money that we spent on the space. They’re all little things. That’s a big thing: car insurance, gas. Obviously, some bills, it doesn’t matter where you are – credit cards or whatever. It’s a huge – even here.

Some things that I’m happy to give up, other things that I’m not; but at the end of the day, it is still money that I’m not spending. [00:10:00]

That, alone, is not a reason to move to fucking Assyria.

THERAPIST: Because you could do that here, too. You could (crosstalk at 00:10:10)

CLIENT: Exactly. Yeah, I could just cut things out.

THERAPIST: (crosstalk at 00:10:11) and stop this, yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah.

(pause)

THERAPIST: It’s like you’re trying more to look at the silver lining would be to some of the losses.

CLIENT: Yeah.

(pause)

The big thing, though, is I know enough now to know that it’s also fear. I mean, really, what am I giving up? Like I said, we’re not—Grey and Philip aren’t good enough. We would have to replace them, if we wanted to really make it sound exactly the way we want it to sound.

That’s one, and two, then, once we did that – what, we’re going to hit the road for a month? [00:11:00] There are things we’d have to do that I don’t see happening. Even on my end. How would I leave for a month? It’s not easy around here. That’s a big, big, big commitment. You don’t have to do it year-round, but you do have to do it.

That’s not going to work, so what it is it? We would just be playing regionally and just releasing stuff, hoping that we get enough traction. What’s going to happen, we’re each going to make $500?

I think I have to start thinking of myself as a songwriter who can be anywhere and perform. I just like the feeling of a band, but I think my friends are right: bands come and go. [00:12:00] And it’s true: all the people I like, their bands change all the time. But you’re going to see them; they happen to have a good band, that’s great, but you’re going for their songs.

(pause)

THERAPIST: And it’s sad, something that feels (crosstalk at 00:12:45)

CLIENT: You know, it is and it isn’t. It’s a bummer. This is a true bummer. I don’t like that word. When I really think about it more carefully? [00:13:01]

THERAPIST: It can be exciting and sad, right? I’m just making—

CLIENT: Wait, which part is sad? The band thing?

THERAPIST: The band – or Stu, even, just Stu.

CLIENT: Yeah, that’s more of a personal, just as a friend. Not so much as the band, but yeah, I really enjoy the guy, he’s a good guy.

THERAPIST: That sounds like it’s a place where there’s something actually good and comfortable here.

CLIENT: Yes, right, and productive and artistic.

THERAPIST: (crosstalk at 00:13:25) good about it. You’re on the same wavelength, you (inaudible at 00:13:29) home together (inaudible at 00:13:30)

CLIENT: We’re both from Cheshire. There’s a nice feel to it. There’s no douchiness, there’s no pretense, just a good guy.

But, again, I’m going to miss all of these people that I feel that way with. The key is that it’s not some kind of…

(pause)

We’ll come up with a system where we can collaborate. We’ll do one song, even if it takes months. [00:14:01] That’s kind of fun in its own right.

It’s a bummer. But I think it’s a necessary bummer. I think this is also going to force me to, like, “You know what, dude? You have to just grab your guitar and play it, sorry. There is no band to cover up your fear of whatever. You just have to get up there and play.”

I think it’ll be easier, because I’ll be playing in front of non-Americans. I hate to say it. In London, I was like, “Fuck it, we don’t care. Fucking British, I don’t care.” (laughs) I don’t feel like I’m getting that fucking American, my people with their snooty, we’ve seen it all, heard it all. [00:15:01]

That helps boost your confidence, because you already come into it with an advantage. I could fuck up, and I’m still the American rock ‘n’ roll guy. They’re already going to view it, right off the bat, a certain way.

(pause)

[00:16:00]

THERAPIST: What do you think you will (inaudible at 00:16:20)? Something (inaudible at 00:16:23)

CLIENT: What?

THERAPIST: When you would go?

CLIENT: Oh, when would I go? March. Everyone told me, “Do not come in the winter. You don’t want your first impression… It isn’t great. It is what it is. It’s winter and you don’t want to come here when it’s—you’ve never been here before. You won’t be able to be outside as much. You don’t have a car,” all that stuff.

Anytime – March, April. [00:17:00]

(pause)

I mean, I’m saying all that without having the money to buy a ticket right now. I have to figure that out.

(pause)

Oh! (chuckles) I kind of found a way for Cecelia (sp) to go with me.

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah?

CLIENT: But it involves you. You have to decide if you’re comfortable to do this or not.

I was looking, and Assyria is fine, you can bring a cat or whatever, you just need the paperwork and all that. I looked at the airlines that go to Assyria and they have things, whatever.

Then I found a thing that says if your pet is for emotional support – not a service animal. [00:18:01] There’s a service animal, and then there’s an emotional service animal or something like that. They fly for free.

At first, I was like, “That might be a little douchey.” Then I was like, “What? Cecelia’s a total emotional—she’s changed my fucking life.” I’m going to take a cat to Assyria, that’s insane. I went from being a guy that doesn’t give a shit about pets, I cannot leave this critter! I don’t want her in the cargo.

The only thing with that is, though, you need—

THERAPIST: A letter.

CLIENT: Yeah, you need a mental health person to be like, “Yes, this pet has been,” there’s some way it has to be worded, whatever.

If you feel comfortable; if not, that’s fine. It would be awesome.

THERAPIST: And “Fly for free,” meaning she gets a seat? You can bring her—

CLIENT: I’d have to pay. [00:19:01]

THERAPIST: You’d have to pay. You don’t know how much.

CLIENT: If I don’t do it that way, I’d have to pay. Here’s the difference: that letter, because it goes under the Discrimination Act or whatever, in case somebody was being a douche to me along the way. It just helps to be like, “Look, man. I’ve got all this paperwork.” There are things they have to do.

What would I do? That would freak me the fuck out. If I got all the way to Europe and suddenly, they want to take her from me and put her in the—I don’t know, I feel weird about that. Really weird, actually.

I’ve never gone with a pet. I’m not putting her in the—she’s already probably going to freak out.

She has been! Who has been more of an emotional support (laughs) other than here, has been this fucking cat! [00:20:02] In a way, it makes perfect sense. So, yeah, if you feel comfortable.

I don’t know if she gets a seat. I think she does. They have a very specific crate size or whatever, so she can go right under—

THERAPIST: Go under your seat.

CLIENT: Either under my seat or the seat in front of me.

THERAPIST: That’s what I mean, the seat in front of you.

CLIENT: Yeah. In other words, yeah.

THERAPIST: They’re not going to have to put her below.

CLIENT: No, no. She can’t be in a—first of all, I don’t trust them. I don’t know how people allow their pets in a cargo part of a plane. But Cecelia? My God.

(pause)

I was joking with my friend, I was like, “Maybe I should get a letter that I’m her emotional support.” She can’t. She’s so… [00:21:01]

THERAPIST: I’d be happy to write or send something, as long as the wording required feels legitimate, do you know what I mean? (crosstalk at 00:21:10)

CLIENT: Yeah. I have to find out what you’re supposed to say.

THERAPIST: Find out what has to be said.

CLIENT: It’s definitely not like a service thing, like, “This animal helps him perform daily functions.” It’s just something that says that for whatever psychological – anxiety or whatever, whatever, this pet has been a very important…

THERAPIST: I do think that’s true.

CLIENT: Yes!

It was kind of cool! Everybody’s like, “Holy shit, that’s you!” That’s really cool.

I was telling my friend Jess (sp), that’s insane. A cat? I’ve gone from – in one fucking year – to I can’t be without this animal. I can’t. [00:22:00] There’s no way, there’s no way. To the point where I can’t even – I don’t know, maybe dogs or whatever, if you have them in a really sturdy crate? There’s no way that I’m going to put her in the bowels of an airplane for 11 hours.

THERAPIST: You’re very attached to her.

CLIENT: Oh, big time. I was really frantically looking at the airlines. I have it all printed out. I’m not fucking this up, this critter’s coming with me.

I was excited. I guess a lot of them are very pet-friendly, actually. I didn’t know that. I was even reading a whole discussion forum where there’s all this backlash, because now there are people saying, “What the fuck? I’m allergic to cats or dogs, there’s people are bringing on—” My friend Dave does that, too. He takes his pet with him on the… He’s never had a problem. [00:23:01] Internationally, it’s a little more. You have to really make sure you follow the protocol.

It’s good to know that it’s not an issue to take it into the country or that these airlines are cool with that.

(pause)

Yeah, Cecelia is awesome. She’s so attached that she, if we go down to visit my mom? She gets excited, she’ll pitter-patter downstairs with me, I’ll unlock the door. I go through the foyer or whatever the fuck and I unlock her door. If I don’t just walk all the way in, she won’t walk all the way in. [00:24:01] She wants to go in, but she’ll walk kind of into the kitchen and she’ll meow, and then be like, “All right, let’s go!”

It’s insane. I’ve never met a cat like this. Dogs? Yeah.

(pause)

THERAPIST: Smart and attached to you, too.

CLIENT: Smart, attached, clever. And she communicates! Then, when she wants to go up, she’ll start like, “Let’s go! We came down, okay, we hung out, we played, now it’s time to go.”

THERAPIST: (laughs) It’s done.

CLIENT: Yeah. She’ll go and she’ll wait. She’ll go back to the door, just sit there and look at me. Upstairs, when I’m eating, she’ll come up under the table to the chair next to me and hop and be there as I’m eating. [00:25:09] It’s just amazing.

(pause)

I carry her around the apartment. I stand there and look out the window. I try to see how long she’ll let me hold her like that, and it’s a long fucking time. We’ll just look out the window. What the fuck?

(pause)

THERAPIST: She’s real company.

CLIENT: Yeah, big time, big time, yeah. There’s something very… like a connection. There’s a crazy, weird… [00:26:00]

I do feel bad taking her from my mom. My mom’s really attached to her, really attached. I can’t, I can’t leave her.

(pause)

I was like, “Let’s get you another, they’re all like this!” But then she’s like, “Well, no. I just like that she comes down and then goes back up.”

THERAPIST: She’s not that attached. (chuckles)

CLIENT: I think she is. I was like, “Mom, that’s nonsense. If I got you one, trust me, you’re going to clean its poop, you’re going to do all of it.” She does it for Cecelia if I go away, with no problems. She loves it.

She tells me stories, “Oh, it was meowing for you, it was laying on your bed.” I think she’s scared; she’s never had a pet, either. [00:27:01] She’s going to be super attached.

THERAPIST: You never had pets growing up?

CLIENT: When I was very little, we had little birds or whatever. I’m creeped-out by birds. I think birds are weird. They’re beautiful to look at. I don’t want them flying around in my house, and I don’t like holding them. I don’t know. There’s something prehistoric about them. Their eyes—there’s no expression.

I don’t know how long that was. It was little canaries, parakeets, whatever you call them. That was it.

I think my dad enjoyed them more than—I enjoyed watching my dad let them fly around and hold them. I could never—I didn’t feel any bond with the birds. [00:28:01]

Generally, Assyrians are very—everything has to be so clean. They don’t like—

THERAPIST: Cats and dogs and (inaudible at 00:28:10).

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:28:11)

CLIENT: Not all, but it’s not common. Or they make a big deal about they’ll have a dog, but they’ll build it a doghouse in the yard and that’s where it has to go. They’ll even heat it. They have all these things about animals.

That part of the world, I think—it’s also, I think, in the Middle East, it’s more of a religious thing, animals are dirty, all that stuff. There’s just something in that part— I didn’t see a lot of dogs and cats.

It’s not that people don’t have them. The U.S. is so all about pets. [00:29:02]

(pause)

I think the other thing that outweighs everything is that this, I think, is going to – in a good way – force a… not a routine, per se, but I think it’s going to force a different kind of productivity. [00:30:16]

There’ll be the job, (inaudible at 00:30:20) it’s such a clean break from everything. It’s not like going to London, because London, I went with a chunk of change. I went with like, “All right, I have this money while I’m in school.” That’s a different kind of thing.

This is a “I’m moving for work.” It has nothing to do with graduate school or living on a stipend or this or a loan. I think there’s something I like about that.

It’s not like having a job here, because it’s all so exciting and different. It’s my field, and it feels more like a true career path, in that way. [00:31:01]

THERAPIST: Not just a side filler job. This (crosstalk at 00:31:08) career trajectory on it.

CLIENT: That’s right. Even if I don’t stay there, it’s a nice résumé builder thing.

I’m really hoping and sensing that it’s going to be a chain reaction.

THERAPIST: Just jump you into a new rhythm (crosstalk at 00:31:28)

CLIENT: A new rhythm, and be like, “Okay, now I’m here. I’m a lecturer at the university, so now I’m working on my book.” I think these things are connected.

(pause)

THERAPIST: Even just getting up to teach a class, you bring all your other work with you (crosstalk at 00:31:48) there’s a day planned out, it forces you (inaudible at 00:31:53).

(pause)

CLIENT: It’s a motivator. I already, now, feel totally different motivation to get stuff done.

THERAPIST: I think, even now, in anticipation of (crosstalk at 00:32:25)

CLIENT: Exactly. I already feel—with the music, with the writing, with everything. It’s more like there’s a purpose now, somehow.

Again, I think that has a lot to do with a clean break. Even here, like yeah, Dean College, UConn – there’s something about that, even adjuncting. It’s nice, but I think because it’s here, somehow—I go and teach, but then I come back, and it’s like, “Here we are, Cheshire, and the family, and the same fucking people I’ve seen for my whole life.” [00:33:13]

THERAPIST: Drawing you back down into the vortex that (crosstalk at 00:33:16).

CLIENT: Yeah, so you’re still a kid. It’s like you’re regressing. Every time you leave whatever you’re trying to build, then you go back into like, “Here’s Brian (sp),” or, “Little Brian,” or whatever. It must be whatever a lot of people feel in their hometowns. That’s why they get the fuck out of there, at least for a while.

Whereas it would be different if I came back much more established. You’re not depending on anything other than what you’ve built for yourself. [00:34:02]

THERAPIST: You had space to build your own identity, (crosstalk at 00:34:05) it’s solid enough that you can bring it back (crosstalk at 00:34:07)

CLIENT: They can come back and enjoy. Then when you go back to Cheshire, it’s just nice to be back in Cheshire. It doesn’t matter. You don’t have to live in your house. You can find your own way.

(pause)

Ultimately, ultimately, ultimately, ultimately? Now I can’t wait for Christmas, because it’s going to be so great to tell all these fuckers that, “See you! See you! I’m out of here!” “Why?” “Oh, because it’s a completely [immoral ass] (ph) fucking society!” I’m going to kind of say that. I’m like, “I have a great opportunity in a place where my skills, as an artist, are being respected. Tell me why I should stay here. There’s absolutely no reason.” [00:35:00]

That’s going to feel fantastic.

(pause)

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:35:18) fuck you.

CLIENT: Big time. Big time. Big time. They’re so hung up on status, they’re so hung up on status.

My aunt – my uncle’s wife – was on the board of Assyrian Research (inaudible at 00:35:40). My book came out. These fuckers didn’t invite me to give a talk, to give a reading. I don’t even know if they sold my book in their bookstore!

She was on their board. When I brought it up, “Well, yeah, once you finish the Ph. D. It’s all about the—” [00:36:01] It’s like, “Dude, what the fuck are you saying? What are you talking about it? Why do I have to—you won’t shut the fuck about—what was that book, some years ago, about… they made a movie… that idiotic fucking book about Jesus. It was huge. Tom Hanks. “The Da Vinci Code!” “I love that book, it’s such a good book!” “Wait, what? I busted my ass creating real art, and I can’t come to your rinky-dink bullshit of a hall? But this idiot—what the fuck is that guy—Dan Brown.”

THERAPIST: He doesn’t have a Ph. D.

CLIENT: Yeah. Not a Ph. D. He wrote—just a—it’s just nonsense! It’s just a John le Carre type book. “What the fuck are you talking about?” [00:37:00]

It’s all about status. It’s all about status. It’s so good to be like, “You know what? I just don’t care.” There are people that understand, and I don’t give a shit how rich you are, I don’t have to waste my time with this shit.

And, honestly? Now, they’re not going to be able to say, “Boo.” If I come back, I’m not going to put up with any long, drawn-out, political… It’s like, “You know what? I lived there. I didn’t talk about it. I picked up and I moved to Assyria. I never even been there in my fucking life. You people can’t shut the fuck up.” I don’t even get that involved with that shit, but I know enough to know that why don’t I just go there and do something, even if it’s just teaching in a university or just being in the society? [00:38:00] My money will go there. It’s very simply.

That’s a good feeling, too. There’s nothing to talk about. I lived there, so there’s no armchair politics. All that stuff is really very liberating.

THERAPIST: Breaking free.

CLIENT: Yeah.

(pause)

THERAPIST: Tomorrow?

CLIENT: 2:20.

THERAPIST: Yep.

CLIENT: Thanks, Claire. Have a good day.

THERAPIST: You, too.

CLIENT: Enjoy the weather. It’s nice out.

THERAPIST: Is it? (chuckles)

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