TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Oh, really?

CLIENT: Yeah, sure.

THERAPIST: I thought you—

CLIENT: Merry Christmas!

THERAPIST: I thought your (inaudible at 00:00:04).

CLIENT: I thought it was! I’ve got two different kinds of letters. A week or two ago, I got a letter saying, “Your unemployment’s running. You’re eligible for extension.” I did that, then I got a letter saying, “Yep, you’re qualified. This is what you’ll get for 14 weeks.”

Yesterday, I get a letter saying, “Nope!” I don’t know, but I think it’s a “No.” I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, what’s going on. It’s a letter saying, “These fucking assholes didn’t renew the extensions.”

So I guess I was qualified and they said, “Yes,” but at the very same moment, it was denied for the new year in the budget. I think that this week will be my last week. I think; I don’t fucking know. I still don’t really know what’s going on.

And of course, it’s Christmas, so good luck getting ahold of anybody to talk to you. [00:01:00]

Which is perfect, because I spent the whole Christmas—we do Christmas Eve. Went great, no political discussions, nothing like that. I made a huge mistake to go on Christmas Day back to my cousins – because they had leftovers, there was nothing to do. Something told me not to go. It’s so weird, something told me not go.

I go and everything was great, but at the dinner table, fucking (inaudible at 00:01:30) comes up – because their last day is Sunday, because they’re getting shafted. They were like, “Oh, that’s sad that that’s happening.”

I was like, “Well, I mean, but that’s the Square. It’s a completely… it’s the epitome of the immorality of how our system works, now. It is sad, but you know what? We can say it’s sad all we want, it just doesn’t fucking matter. Are we going to do anything about it? Nope! [00:02:01] Nobody cares. I have $100 million. I’m going to buy this block cash. Done. You want to pay me 50% more rent? Great. If you don’t, how is that my problem? That’s why you have all these empty—WordsWorth has been empty for fucking eight years now.”

And of course, then my uncle, “Well, you know, but it is also kind of just the way it is.” They can’t just focus on, “Well, that’s just really shitty.” They say that, but then it’s like, “But I mean, that’s just the way…” I have a short fuse, I have a short fuse, and I just let him have it.

I was like, “What does that mean? This is the problem in this country. This is a morality issue, it’s a moral issue. No one has the balls—I don’t give a shit what—” They’re like, “40% of people are on welfare.” First of all, that’s a personal… [00:03:02] It’s like, “Dude, your nephew is on unemployment!”

It was bad. I didn’t feel good. Then I didn’t feel good because I don’t feel good. My mind started like, “This is what happens. This is why your dad died, because he got so stressed. He was unemployed. He just got crushed by the system.”

It’s like, “What the fuck are you saying, man? What does that mean? Why are you so upset about weak people that are getting $200 a week? And you’re not outraged by the billions of dollars that people are hoarding and fucking—that’s somehow doesn’t outrage you? That’s a moral issue!”

My mom got upset, she’s like, “Be quiet!” (laughs) It was bad. It was fine, we didn’t have a blowout, but I was very upset. [00:04:02] I was very upset.

The next day, I get this letter.

THERAPIST: You hadn’t gotten it yet.

CLIENT: No. I was already not feeling good. That whole night I didn’t feel good, I was all feeling shitty. The next day, I was still feeling shitty, but I was trying to just, “Okay, whatever,” and then I get this letter. It’s like, you know what? I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t believe in fate or whatever. It’s like something—I don’t belong here anymore. It’s from all angles.

(pause)

It’s not just me, it’s millions of people. It’s not directed towards me, but it’s like, “Wow, really? That’s some cold shit. It’s fucking Christmas, man. That’s… Wow.” I don’t even have fucking children. [00:05:00] There are people with children and whatever responsibilities. I don’t know.

It’s that feeling you get right after you have a political (inaudible at 00:05:16). It’s like a fistfight. Then you feel shitty that you had a fight. It was fine, we didn’t have a big blowout, but I felt—

THERAPIST: What are you (inaudible at 00:05:26)?

CLIENT: I don’t like that rattled feeling. They’re not really rattled. They were like, “That’s just the way it is,” and, “Well, what system should it be? Communism? That didn’t work.” They’re so fucking robotic about it. I’m not. I’m very visceral and very emotional about it. I don’t like that feeling. A.) It’s a complete waste of breath; there’s no point, sitting at a dinner table – who the fuck cares? But, at the same time, it’s hurtful that people can’t—I mean, I guess I shouldn’t say, “People.” I think most people at the dinner table actually did get what I was saying. [00:06:02]

But my uncle is now such the arbiter of—it’s like people are—they can’t—he’s the wielder of wealth and power. He’s the one who can help you when you really need. I think people feel like they can’t say anything.

I’m my grandfather’s grandson. I don’t give a shit. It’s also so simplistic that that’s—yeah. Even now, I hate when I get worked up about it, but I just do. I just do.

I’m sensitive about it. It bothers me that people can’t see simple things. I was like, “I don’t know what the answer is.” This is where I finally (inaudible at 00:06:58) I was like, “That’s like saying in 1822, man, it’s really shitty about this slave thing. But that’s just the way it is, what are you going to do?” Or women can’t vote. Or you name it.

People decide that things are immoral, then they don’t know what the answers are to fix that. They just know that this is immoral, that’s all. It’s even enough just to say it! I’m not saying march down the street, waving the Communist Manifesto.

That’s what drives me crazy! Of course, I’m not a communist! These things could actually be fixed really simply, that’s the problem. But people get bogged down and like, “Well, how are we going to do that?” Well, you’re going to do it by maybe taxing people just 1% more who make a lot of money. Cut the military budget by even a fucking half a point of a person.

It’s really not rocket science. If people decided this is immoral, then things would be fixed. [00:08:02] It’s really quite simple.

That was the thing. I felt rattled that I was being very articulate. (laughs) I was like, “You know, it’s really a decision. You’re making a decision. What you’re saying is that—” People don’t have the balls to either say this is a moral issue or the balls to say, “Yeah, you know what? I don’t care. I don’t care. It is a cutthroat system, but I like it. So yeah, (inaudible at 00:08:29) should just shut its doors. They couldn’t survive in that economy.”

Have balls. Don’t say, “That’s sad, but it’s like this, and it’s so complicated, but this is the only system so far in the world that’s worked.” Again, that’s like saying, “Well, slavery worked for a long time, and it was great for the economy.” You just have to call a spade a spade one way or the other. Have the balls.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:08:58) critical.

CLIENT: Yeah. Don’t be a douche about it.

What bothers me about that is it is personal. Like, “Dude, your sister” – my mom – “her social security got cut. Basically, are you saying that in this market, then, she somehow didn’t compete?” If we’re going to follow that logic, then tough for my mom; she should have worked harder and gotten a different education and made more money. I guess I’m just lazy that I lost this job.

That’s really what it is, it’s like, “It’s your fault.” The end logic of that. “It’s (inaudible at 00:09:42) fault, they should have been open later. Instead of working 12 hours a day, they should have worked 18 hours and gotten some of that nighttime drunk Harvard business.” Everything is the fault of people who are already exhausted. Man, that’s some cold shit, that’s some cold shit – from people that came from poverty. [00:10:04]

THERAPIST: That’s some nerve.

CLIENT: Yep.

(pause)

Now, all I can do is—it’s literally as if I’m being forced out of the country. That’s how I feel now, in a way. I don’t like that. I wanted to feel like excited. I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel like something is conspiring to squeeze me out of being able to be here.

(pause)

[00:11:00]

THERAPIST: I’m sure you’re not alone in that feeling. It’s so hard to get a job right now.

CLIENT: Yeah, of course. Like I said, I have a roof over my head, I don’t have children

(pause)

It is what it is. I think there’s no way to not feel alone when things like this happen. It affects your confidence and your sense of worth. If you’re a dude, it affects your feelings of being a man.

The climate doesn’t help, this idea that that’s the country we’re living in now, where a lot of even very normal, nice people have been swept up – literally brainwashed – into “It just is what it is. I worked hard; you work hard, too.” It’s that old—we’re all temporarily broke millionaires. We can all be millionaires, just fucking pull yourselves up from your bootstraps. [00:12:03]

Forgetting that people lent you a lot of money for you to do this; it’s a lot of luck, you met the right people at the right time. You somehow got to go to an Ivy League and do a Ph. D. You’re not a saint. You’re not some kind of special being. Things conspired to help you. Your father busted his ass and just wrote you checks: $30,000; $25,000; $50,000. Come on.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:12:32) backing people (crosstalk at 00:12:35)

CLIENT: Yeah! As if everybody has that at their disposal.

That’s the problem: that mentality, you cannot argue, because their mentality is, “It doesn’t matter. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. You’ll just make it happen. You’ll find a way to do it.” That’s a dead-end ideology. “Well, then, okay, then, if that’s the case…”

Again, what you’re saying is—you’re putting it in an optimistic way and unrealistically. [00:13:04] The reality is what you’re saying is if you fall by the wayside in a ditch and freeze to death because you’re homeless, that’s your problem. Not my problem; that’s your problem.

I’m trying to find the—the silver lining is, I guess, I have a job I’m going to over there. I’m trying to see a silver lining in all this. But I’m fucking furious.

THERAPIST: Whether you have the unemployment for the next few months or not, in some ways, is a red herring. This was your plan. (crosstalk at 00:13:52)

CLIENT: That was my plan. But this is—it really is—literally, now, it’s a day-to-day survival issue, now. How are things going to get paid? [00:14:00] I was helping my mom pay things. Literally, what am I supposed to do now?

THERAPIST: You could live with her until you go (crosstalk at 00:14:14)

CLIENT: Even by the time that happened, it’s time to go. By the time I did that, by the time I put the ads out, by the time I showed it to people, by the time we decided which person we’d like to… It’s going to be, like, mid-February. It’s time to go already.

THERAPIST: It is mid-February?

CLIENT: What?

THERAPIST: Mid-February?

CLIENT: Time to go? March. I’m saying it’s not like it’s going to rent tomorrow and we’re immediately going to get the rent.

THERAPIST: You’re not going to get that.

CLIENT: That will be a big help, by the way. My mom’s being so sweet. She’s like, “I’m going to give you—I’ll put $500 every month in your checking.” That will basically pay my rent over there—not basically, it will pay my rent over there. [00:15:01]

THERAPIST: Even while you’re there, she’s saying?

CLIENT: Yeah, she’s saying, “When you go.”

THERAPIST: Oh, that’s great! (crosstalk at 00:15:06)

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. We’ll get $1,000 or $1,100 for that unit. She’s like, “I’ll be okay. Every month I’ll put $300, $400,” whatever, a few hundred bucks in my account. Maybe more in the beginning until I just—hopefully, she won’t have to do that, at all. Initially…

I think I’m going to have to borrow. Now, I don’t have a choice. There’s no—I can’t even get to Assyria unless I borrow money. You can’t show up there with $1,000. I’m going to need at least—

THERAPIST: It’s not the same.

CLIENT: Yeah, I’m going to need at least the ticket and like $5,000. Yes, I can stay with people probably for two months—or whatever, indefinitely, if I wanted to. That’s not going to make me feel great. [00:16:03]

(pause)

THERAPIST: I’m sorry.

CLIENT: My one friend was like, “Dude, maybe you misunderstood. Maybe they sent out both those letters.”

THERAPIST: That’s what I keep wondering.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: It’s wishful thinking, I know.

CLIENT: It’s wishful, yeah.

THERAPIST: It also seems a little crazy to just give you approval and then take it away (inaudible at 00:16:32).

CLIENT: Yeah. In some ways, I think it’s perfect. I think that’s the way things are now. It’s such a clusterfuck. I think they were waiting for a last-minute vote to extend it and it didn’t—

THERAPIST: You actually got approval for it. You met the criteria, but that’s different than the—

CLIENT: The law itself.

THERAPIST: The law, yeah.

CLIENT: Then I read an article last night saying that it can be retroactively approved, that that’s what might happen. [00:17:07] That now that these douchebags are on recess… The Republicans just drag their feet, because – as usual – the Democrats weren’t being aggressive enough. They’ll probably let the clock run out, basically.

When they get back, there can be a retroactive approval that might happen. Honestly, how could you have millions of people – whatever it is, like four million – just not—?

THERAPIST: That doesn’t make sense.

CLIENT: That’s insane, man. That’s insane. I mean, I’m not saying people should get employment forever. I only had it for six months. I know that there were people that had unemployment for a long time. It just seems draconian to—I don’t know.

Regardless, right now, that’s what it is. I even got a phone call—oh, that was the nice thing, too, they send you a little voice-mail today. [00:18:03] It’s like, “No matter what, even if you are approved or even if you have money in your balance, this is it.” It’s like, “Wow, dude. All right. Happy New Year.”

(pause)

There’s the day-to-day logistics. But then with me? There’s also this, I have to now manage my anxiety. I have to manage the fucking hypochondria or whatever you want to call it – psychosomatic. [00:19:03] This is what happens, this is why people just fucking drop dead of heart attacks.

And of course, the last few weeks, the words, “Heart attacks” have been tossed around either on TV or some fucking dude died at 59 of a heart—I don’t know. There’s been stuff in the area about heart attacks.

Fuck me, man. I can’t—God!

(pause)

THERAPIST: You start to feel anxious and worked up and then get anxious about being (crosstalk at 00:19:36)

CLIENT: Yeah, then my antenna gets tuned. It starts, “See? It’s going to happen. That’s why you’re hearing about these things. It’s just trying to tell you something.” It goes really to that kind of place.

THERAPIST: Sort of paranoid.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. “Why didn’t you hear about these heart attacks five weeks ago? Suddenly, everyone’s having a heart attack?”

THERAPIST: No, you’re just tuning into it more, because you’re feeling that way. [00:20:00]

(pause)

You know, it sounds like what you need is just kind of something to figure out about how to get through the next couple months, to get over there, (inaudible at 00:20:25) for that.

CLIENT: That’s the thing. There is nothing to figure—unless suddenly ten people answered my Craigslist ad. Unless I suddenly had crazy tutoring to do, or unless one of these staffing places called me and was like, “Hey, we have this great gig for two months,” or whatever. I’ve already been trying to do the things anyway.

THERAPIST: You wouldn’t work retail even for two months, just to bring in…?

CLIENT: No. Now I just won’t do it out of spite. [00:21:02] I just won’t. That’s an awful attitude, but I really don’t care. I’ll have to kill myself. To be in that environment, after all this?

THERAPIST: It’s a means to an end.

CLIENT: Nope. That’ll be the worst possible way to leave here. I’d honestly rather borrow it. Working for $8 an hour or whatever? I clearly have to work 40, 50 hours a week to make less than I was getting on unemployment. That’s just fucking—I don’t know. Make me into a eunuch. I can’t. I can’t do it.

In that way, I am like my grandfather. [00:22:01] That’s the kind of thing that he wouldn’t do that, won’t let him do that.

It’s probably not healthy, but I don’t care. It’s like, “You’re going to make me feel like shit; make me feel insulted, small, like I’m losing my dignity. Then I have to go to the epitome of undignified and depressing and just hoards of debt-ridden—I’m too—I can’t handle it. I think other people just—

THERAPIST: For you, that’s what it means. Not everyone would feel like that (crosstalk at 00:22:33)

CLIENT: That’s what I’m saying: for me, that’s what it is. I’m just too aware of everything. Every little thing’s a story to me. I notice every fucking detail. I can’t be in that—it’s claustrophobic. I can’t do it.

I went to the mall to fix my mom’s laptop, for Christ’s sake. That’s not working at the mall, that’s just going to the mall. I needed to get the fuck out of there. I was literally going to have a panic attack. People like bitching and snipping at the customer service people; long lines of people just buying shit they don’t need. [00:23:06] No one looks happy about anything. It’s fucking Christmas, no one looks happy. Kids are screaming their heads off. It’s not for me, not for me.

Other people can tune things out. It’s just a job. I think they’re lighter about it. I’m not. I’m heavy about those things. I wish I wasn’t. I try. Even at Dunkin’, I’ll try not to notice the weird shit that happens there. If that’s who you are, that’s who you are. I don’t know how to turn that off.

THERAPIST: It feels too over-stimulating (crosstalk at 00:23:45)

CLIENT: Yeah, it’s over-stimulating

THERAPIST: (crosstalk at 00:23:45)

CLIENT: Also, then, I feel protective. If I notice a worker’s being treated like shit, I’ll be like, “Fuck you, man!” Or if I see a parent’s mistreating their child, who’s crying her head off and the parents are being a loser or douche about it? I can’t avoid these—and a mall is where those things happen. [00:24:05]

On top of that, then I’d be like, then it’s inevitable. I would inevitably, also, be treated like shit sometimes by these customers. It’d be out of control. I’d be like, “What the fuck am I doing here? This is what I studied for? This is what I published a book of poems for? This is what I release records for, to kiss this fat idiot’s ass?” I can’t. If I had children, I guess I’d feel different because I have children. That makes you, I think, think very differently.

But you know what? I don’t have children. I’d rather borrow, I’d rather be stressed-out, whatever the fuck.

I might have worked at the airport. That’s a little different. I can fly anywhere I want, things like that. [00:25:02] Now the problem is I’m leaving, so my friend can’t—I wouldn’t want him to go to bat for me for two months.

(pause)

What’s clear is that I need to write about this. It’s very clear to me I need to write. I basically want to write an essay that’s basically like one American person’s story. Well-educated, someone who’s really tried to do all the right things. What’s going on here?

Even if people talked about this more and said, “This is a moral issue.” It really is a moral issue, that’s what I told these assholes. [00:26:00] It’s very simple: what kind of country do you want to live in? That’s all. Do I want to live in a country where my kids’ teachers are busting their ass for no money and have to buy their own supplies, a lot of times? A lot of my teacher friends buy their own shit. Really? That’s the kind of country I want to live in? Or where people are dying because they don’t have insurance? Or whatever—some very basic things. It doesn’t have to be this way. It really doesn’t.

They’re like, “Well, you know, don’t think Assyria is going to be any better.” I was like, “You know what? Assyria is a million times better, and let me tell you why. Assyria doesn’t claim to be the arbiter of equal opportunity and the champion of fucking democracy and—Assyria is just a rinky-dink little corrupt country.”

I have no expectations of anything in Assyria. I’m going to teach at the university, where I’ll probably live way better than any average Assyrian. [00:27:03] I’m going there for selfish reasons. But I also will feel perfectly fine known that Assyria is not going around causing wars, causing basically a global recession, and not acting like you either work hard and be successful or you’re just a failure. I don’t have to worry about that, there. There isn’t that mindset.

It’s worse in some ways. Obviously, it’s corrupt and there are people living in poverty. The general mindset isn’t this. In other words, people in the capitol aren’t saying, “Those fucking villagers, if they just worked harder…” No. They’re villagers. That’s what happens. (laughs) It’s stunning. It’s fucking stunning. [00:28:00]

THERAPIST: So maybe you’ll do something about it.

CLIENT: This is what worries me in some ways: I don’t want to do something about it. I’m feeling like I’m being dragged into doing something about it. I thought about that, yeah, but I kind of don’t like that. I don’t want to be always worked-up about these—I don’t think that’s good for you.

THERAPIST: You were also saying that if they didn’t like that they would complain about something and not do anything about it.

CLIENT: My idea of doing something about it is that I will be there. To move to a place like that and work there and spend money there is doing something about it, when the whole country has two million people in it.

And by teaching in that country: all the joyful parts I have of teaching here, there are a hundredfold. [00:29:04] You’re teaching people who then—a lot of whom really want to make a difference.

It’s not like, “Of course, I’m going to college! I’m going to work at a bank,” whatever. These are people that have worked hard to go the university. They want a better—yes, maybe some of them want to get the fuck out of Assyria, but regardless, they do all want a better future. Not just in a selfish way; because they have gone through a lot. They know what it is to be a rinky-dink little country.

(pause)

THERAPIST: So, I’ll see you Wednesday.

CLIENT: Oh, we have Wednesday—

THERAPIST: Not Wednesday, right! Thursday.

CLIENT: Thursday, Friday.

THERAPIST: Thursday, Friday, yes.

CLIENT: All right, Claire.

THERAPIST: Happy New Year’s.

CLIENT: Thanks. Have a great New Year’s.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

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