TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: I’m having mini strokes or something, I don’t know.

Dude, I was so excited I got here on time! God damn it. I’m sorry. Fuck.

I changed my reminders on my phone, so I accidentally erased my regular reminders. I was like, “1:00, 12:20 – 2:20,” that’s why, that’s why. Fuck. Damn it, that sucks! Anyway, all right, well, I’m here. Fuck.

See? I do shit like this. This is crazy, man.

Yesterday, I take my laundry basket. I put a water in it. It’s got clothes. It’s by the door. On my way out, “I’m going to take this bottle of water.” Literally, in five seconds, I forgot and left without the water. I don’t know anymore; I just keep doing shit like that. [00:01:01]

(pause)

I guess I’m just so… There’s so much on my mind, I guess. I don’t know; I just can’t. Even when I put something by the door to remember it, I’m already so distracted and so caught-up in stuff.

Is that okay?

THERAPIST: (laughs) Yeah, it is.

CLIENT: Shit. God damn it. All right, anyway.

THERAPIST: You could have called me to ask.

CLIENT: You know what? I thought about it. I don’t know why. I was like, “Yeah!”

THERAPIST: Because you just figured it was 12 (crosstalk at 00:01:45)

CLIENT: I was kind of even excited. I was like, “Yeah, no, 1:00, 12:20.” Fuck me. God damn it.

Although I was going to see if you were even going to be here; but I was like, “No, if I didn’t hear from her…”

THERAPIST: I would always call.

CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. I was like, “She always lets me know.” [00:02:00] I was like, “Yeah, she’s there.”

THERAPIST: For tomorrow, as well, I’ll be sure to call you at least a few hours ahead of time. I don’t know – hopefully by then, it’ll be cleared up.

CLIENT: It should be okay. I have a new plow guy. As long as I can get my car out; although I don’t know how parking will be here if it’s an emergency or something, if you’re not allowed to park (inaudible at 00:02:23).

But yeah, as long as I can get out of the house, that’s generally… But this new guy is really good, so hopefully he’ll just clear up (inaudible at 00:02:32).

(pause)

Oh, Happy New Year!

THERAPIST: You, too.

CLIENT: We did it.

Things are fucked-up right now. Kind of in a very weird zone: my unemployment got cut.

THERAPIST: You told me that.

CLIENT: Oh, did I tell you that?

THERAPIST: Yes. Friday?

CLIENT: That’s right, that’s right.

THERAPIST: You’d just found out.

CLIENT: I just found out, yeah. [00:03:00] I don’t know how anything’s going to happen now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to… this. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. I’m kind of fucked.

Supposedly, when Congress gets back on Monday, they can retroactively or something… But I’m not counting on—that could take who knows what.

THERAPIST: Assuming they don’t, [do you know what you’ll do?] (ph)

CLIENT: Do I know what I’ll do?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I have no idea. I’m applying—I don’t know… I think I’ve sent out… I mean, I was already applying everywhere, but now it’s maybe almost double that. It’s non-stop résumés all over the fucking place. I don’t know what else I can do, really. I don’t know.

Even if I were to move downstairs, now, and rent—that would already take… It’s January, February – that’s going to take a month or two. [00:04:04] By that point, if I’m going to Assyria, I’m already going to be gone.

THERAPIST: From (ph) February 1, you’ll be gone?

CLIENT: It wouldn’t be ready for February 1. You’re renting the apartment. It has to be cleared out. Do a nice, clean job. Have someone come in. That would be—

THERAPIST: That could be ready in three weeks.

CLIENT: No, because where am I going? Where’s my stuff? It’s a bit of a production. My mom’s place is a big…

It could be ready for March 1, definitely; or a little bit before that, whatever. But February 1? (inaudible at 00:04:49) If the weather was maybe nice, if it was spring? You can do things faster. [00:05:01] When it’s winter, it’s not going to happen that fast.

THERAPIST: Maybe you’re (inaudible at 00:05:07).

CLIENT: Yeah. My ideal was to rent it and leave right from that apartment. Then I’d already have the people in place – once I’m gone, that week or two – to come in, clean up everything. The lease is already signed; everything’s all set and (inaudible at 00:05:27).

I don’t want to do it before that. I can’t handle my grandmother (inaudible at 00:05:36) being down there with my mom and stuff; I can’t do it. That situation’s gotten so bad that I cannot be stuck even for a day. I can’t do it.

THERAPIST: Because she’s there most of the time, (crosstalk at 00:05:50)?

CLIENT: Yeah. When the weather’s nice, they’re there, my aunt. It’s too much of a black hole. My aunt’s all fucked-up now. It’s like she’s homeless. [00:06:00] My grandmother smells. It’s too much, it’s too much. I can’t.

And my mom’s my mom.

(pause)

I don’t know. I’m hopeful something’s going to happen, but I just don’t (laughs) This is insane. It’s very surreal; I’ve never experienced anything like this in my life. It’s really surreal.

(pause)

THERAPIST: You’re moving forward with (inaudible at 00:06:51).

CLIENT: Yeah, I’m trying to stay positive and focused on that. I wish it wasn’t the way it is. [00:07:01] That’s throwing me off a little bit. For whatever reason, I’m having trouble being excited about it. I feel like I don’t have two nickels to rub together and I’m moving to Assyria, what’s going on?

It’s all very, very weird. I’ve been seeing really weird dreams—I don’t even bother trying to remember them anymore. Every night: really weird, vivid dreams. I don’t think I’m sleeping that great or something, I don’t know. I feel off.

THERAPIST: You don’t remember any of them?

CLIENT: I do, when I wake up, sometimes. But then I don’t even… I’m just so zonked, I don’t even bother trying to write it down or whatever. It’s a lot of vivid shit, all kinds—you name it. They’re all anxiety dreams, one form or another. Teeth falling out – which I’d never seen in a dream, ever – I know that’s a common; I’d never seen that one. [00:08:02] Family stuff that’s kind of weird, stressful. All kinds of things; being in weird places that I don’t recognize.

(pause)

THERAPIST: It does sound like it’s really hard (inaudible at 00:08:34) hold on to the plan that gives you most (crosstalk at 00:08:37)

CLIENT: Yeah. That’s what’s bumming me out. I feel like I’m being forced out or something. Now, it feels more like an act of desperation.

THERAPIST: Well, I mean, it isn’t.

CLIENT: I mean, it isn’t. But I have friends who – I mean, they’re just joking, they don’t… They’re like, “Oh, dude, then you should go to Assyria sooner. Fuck it.” I get what they’re saying. [00:09:00] It feels like that’s just weird. I’ve never been in this… This just seems so odd.

Think about it. This is the situation others are in to come here. This is where they come to, and I’m leaving here because I can’t find a job? That’s… I don’t know, that seems so surreal to me.

THERAPIST: It feels a little bit (inaudible at 00:09:27) there are places where you actually have a choice and are making that choice without letting yourself know and own that it’s a choice you were making instead of someone doing something to you.

I brought up on Friday, does being in this circumstance make you want to work retail? You said absolutely not. That’s a place where—I’m sure you could get a retail job within 48 hours; maybe a week, tops.

But you don’t want to do that. That’s actually a choice, where you were saying, “No, I’d rather stick with this, get by in whatever way I can – even borrow some money from someone, perhaps – and go to Assyria and work a job that makes me feel better about (inaudible at 00:10:08).”

That’s a choice you are making. You could choose to get minimum wage – probably even (inaudible at 00:10:13) than minimum wage doing something.

CLIENT: I don’t know about that.

You’re right, I’m not arguing with you. At New Year’s Eve, I was talking to people who were like, “Dude, I didn’t get a callback from the food store.” (laughs) It’s like, “What? What the fuck are you talking about?”

You’re right. It’s a big city. It’s a big city.

THERAPIST: (crosstalk at 00:10:31) find something like that that is not where you’ve wanted to go. That’s very different than, “I’ve even done that and nothing’s happening there.”

You’re choosing, “I don’t want to do that.”

The apartment situation, same thing. Actually, in three weeks, you absolutely could have cleared the apartment. The reality is that could happen, it’s not like that’s an impossibility.

CLIENT: Yeah, if we really put our mind to it, yeah.

THERAPIST: But in fact, you’re saying, “I don’t want to. That’s actually not the way I wanted to leave. I don’t want to live with my mother for a month, just to leave the country.” [00:11:03] There’s a choice in there. There is actually more happening on your terms than maybe meets the eye.

CLIENT: I see what you’re saying, yeah. I’m letting myself feel like I’m somehow being pushed around or something.

I think this unemployment thing was a bad trigger. That’s just not…

THERAPIST: And it’s coincidence. It actually doesn’t mean anything different about your scenario.

CLIENT: No, it doesn’t. It’s really shitty timing; really, really shitty timing.

THERAPIST: You could have absolutely used another couple months.

CLIENT: Yeah. There’s something symbolic about the Christmas to New Year. It’s winter. It’s like, “Man, I just want to sleep.” This is like a weird dream. It’s not a nightmare; it’s like I’m living one of those dreams, in moment. [00:12:01] Everything seems hyper-real and weird. I can’t explain it. It’s probably just anxiety and I feel a little bit lost.

I am trying to remind myself of that. It’s all kind of excited. I’m going to Assyria and it looks like there’s a lot going on there. I have a lot of potential there. I’m trying to remind myself that, “Actually, you know what? That’s awesome. It’s ballsy.”

Which is what a few of my friends were saying, they’re like, “Dude, how do you do this shit? That’s so awesome. You created your own—” They were asking me how did that happen, that job. When I heard myself say it, I kind of created it. I saw an opportunity and I called them and I made a job for myself. [00:13:00] That’s pretty cool.

(pause)

Maybe I’m just nervous. It also could be.

THERAPIST: I wonder that.

CLIENT: Yeah. I’m just nervous—what’s happening? I’m suddenly…

THERAPIST: And as much as I know that the reality of not having unemployment essentially for two months is real and daunting, there may also be a way that the nervousness kind of capitalizes on that, as in getting yourself down in a very old way – like the forces against you.

That’s more familiar than safe than, “No, you’re still going to Assyria, because that’s what you wanted to do.” What is that going to (crosstalk at 00:13:52)

CLIENT: Actually, that’s a very optimistic new chapter.

THERAPIST: It’s what you wanted to do! When I asked you if you had the same job offer here, you said, “No, I’d still go.” [00:14:01]

CLIENT: Yeah, I’d still go.

(pause)

Yeah, it’s nervousness. It is capitalizing—it’s even capitalizing on what if I go there and it’s not what I think? It almost seems too good to be true, in a way. It’s not like it’s that amazing.

I don’t know, that I’m going to get there and I don’t know what. I think because I feel so financially insecure. What if I get there and they’re like, “Oh, we can only offer you one class, maybe.” If they don’t embrace me the way I’m hoping to really have a foot in there.

There’s no sign at all that that would happen. I’m just worried.

I think the ultimate nightmare would be for things to not go well there, and then come back here just zero. [00:15:00] Now I am living with my mom, because I don’t have a choice. I don’t have any money. It’s Boston, so it would take me forever to have the money again to have a proper apartment. It’s thousands and thousands of dollars to do that. Or I’d have to wait again for the upstairs tenant – whoever it is – to leave and go back—I’m tired.

But, again, then that makes me optimistic, in a way. Because I feel like, “Well, then, that means I’m not coming back here until things are good.” One way or the other, things have to work out there. I have friends, whatever. If I need to, I’m going to have to be like, “Look, man. You guy are all fucking patriotic, rah-rah-rah. You wanted me to come—I’m here. Help me find a job—help me stay here. You’re all these connections. Get me a fucking decent job.” [00:16:00]

Again, I think that’s my nervousness going in an extreme direction, instead of just remembering, “Wait a minute, no. This woman is very excited for me to be there.” We’ve talked several times.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:16:20) sort of, in a way, from the reality of these conversations you’ve had with her, which were pretty clear.

CLIENT: I think I can’t face anymore. I want to make such a clean break with these douchebags that I cannot come back here again in that way. Coming back from London—that was different. I came back happy. It was grad school. It was, “All right, did all the classes. Now it’s just dissertation time, I’m coming home.” I did it. I somehow found a way to go back, finish the classes, come back.

It has to feel, now, a little bit the next level. Now I have a job. [00:17:01] I’m not coming back here in some half-assed…

In other words, there’s a lot of anxiety and nervousness all around. I just feel…

THERAPIST: Like there’s all the more pressure now in this working, in a way?

CLIENT: Yeah, kind of. Even though the weird thing is—there is—it’s clearly going to kind of work, one way or the other. There’s no need to feel so worked-up about it. I don’t know if part of it is just that I’m going to Assyria. Maybe it’s not about work at all. Maybe it’s a very loaded thing I’m doing.

THERAPIST: I’m sure it’s about work, but it’s also about (inaudible at 00:17:51).

CLIENT: Yeah. I guess what I’m saying is—let’s say I was going to Geneva or something. Yeah, it’d be about work. I’m like, “Yeah, I’ve never been to Geneva but oh, exciting, Geneva, whatever.” [00:18:03]

Was there a difference between London and Paris? Not really. Objectively, yes, but not in a personal kind of… But this is very different. It feels very weird. In my mind, now, when I imagine, “Oh, yeah, in a few months I’ll be standing in this spot.” Photos I’ve seen, places I’ve read about. It’s kind of mythologized for people in the diaspora. That’s weird. There’s something about that—weird, cognitive dissonance or something.

Which I’ve heard from people; they’re like, “You have to give yourself like a month or two. It’s a very weird, emotional kind of thing.” Also, it’s a stunningly beautiful country, so that adds to the… It is kind of mythological—when you see it, it’s mythological. [00:19:00] Everything’s ancient and all these crazy landscapes with fucking monastery on a cliff; it just looks insane.

(pause)

I’m trying to remember that I’m excited, that’s it’s a great opportunity.

(pause)

I think it’s a fear of success. That’s probably a big part of this. I’m probably going to go there and it’s going to be fine.

THERAPIST: Then the fear of something goes wrong, like your father.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: (crosstalk at 00:19:51) can’t be blowing that off (crosstalk at 00:19:52)

CLIENT: Yeah. I was going to say, that’s been rearing its head the last week. Remember, I was saying? Since then, it’s continued. [00:20:00] Someone dropped dead, they’re 57. Or I’ll watch a TV series and someone will have a heart attack in the TV series. It’s like, “Oh, okay.”

THERAPIST: It’s interesting that – I don’t know, about a month ago, when we were last talking about this – you were connecting fear that something was going to go wrong, particularly with success. In other words, I think you even said, “So I marry Julia (sp) and have a nice, well-to-do family in Paris and get what I’ve always wanted, and then something bad is going to happen.”

Is that how you thought of your father, in some way? Like things were going along pretty well—

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: It’s not how you described how you saw him.

CLIENT: No, no.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:20:57)

CLIENT: I don’t know. I don’t know where that comes from. In a weird way, I’ve conflated my mom’s side with my dad—my mom’s side’s idiocy and dysfunction with my dad’s death.

It’s a perfect combo. That kind of fucking misery and complaining and nothing’s ever going to work out – see? It doesn’t, because he just dropped dead. That’s a bad com.

THERAPIST: Like her saying almost his death proved—

CLIENT: It manifested—

THERAPIST: It proved that that was right.

CLIENT: Yeah, that it’s just fate and shit fucking happens and we’re fucked. Someone people, whatever; everything. That’s hard. I’ve gotten much butter, but—

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:21:57) an albatross.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: The idea that you’re living out your own fate constantly.

CLIENT: Or, even worse, that then it gets existential.

Let’s say that’s not the case. Then it’s just, “Whatever, we’re all going to die.” I don’t know, it’s hard to get excited about shit. Then there’s this existential (laughs) part that really isn’t that existential. It affects your practical day-to-day…

At least, in my case, I think it really has. I’m so aware of death and whatever. That it’s just, “I don’t know. I guess I’m excited to go to—oh, my book? Yeah, great, yeah, okay. Whatever. What am I going to do, publish three more?” Okay, great, let’s say I publish ten more books. Okay, what? Then I’m going to be an old dude that dies, I don’t know. It just deflates. (laughs)

THERAPIST: (crosstalk at 00:22:52) feeling depressed.

CLIENT: Yeah. It totally deflates any joy of the actual doing of things. [00:23:02] That’s a tough one, especially because it’s a spiral. There’s no way out of that. It’s just a fact.

You either kind of put it on the backburner and enjoy your life or you don’t. Or you let it keep stunting your…

(pause)

But then, see, I don’t know. Then I do things that I am excited about. The other day, I started a new tumblr – do you know what tumblr is?

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. (inaudible at 00:24:09)

CLIENT: Yeah. I started a new tumblr thing. I haven’t made it public yet. I came up with this series where I was just fooling around. I’m realizing more and more that I really love photography. I came up with a series where I’m taking photos of… when I’m watching a series or a movie or something, I’m taking photos.

THERAPIST: Of the show?

CLIENT: Yeah, but it’s zoomed-in, so you can’t see the laptop. You just see—so it’s like this weird—and some of them came out so fucking interesting and weird.

I’m going to do a whole series about that. What is that? [00:25:00] I’m excited. That’s a great fucking idea. I’m sorry, but that’s fucking awesome. It’s the whole idea of watching and being watched and real and not real.

THERAPIST: That’s you as an artist.

CLIENT: Yeah. I just thought of it and started doing it. What happens is, then, all these things then either get left half-done – that’s the problem, that things just… Or maybe they don’t! Maybe I love photography because there are no words. I’m starting to realize maybe there’s something about that. I like the idea that I don’t have to try to articulate this. I could create an image and just let it…

I was thinking about those. I was like, “That’s probably why I like music, too.” [00:26:00] The lyrics always come last. I like the idea that there are no—there’s no need to try to put things that I can’t seem to put into words, because I’m too overwhelmed, it comes out as music without a problem.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:26:17) is your tool (inaudible at 00:26:18). I think words are an approximation. They sometimes fail people for what is really the feeling or the expression inside. It sounds like you’re capturing it with music.

CLIENT: Yeah. But then, I’m still putting myself down, because…

THERAPIST: You’re a poet.

CLIENT: A published poet is like, “I can’t seem to put into words what I want.” That’s ridiculous.

THERAPIST: Maybe it’s (inaudible at 00:26:50) that you enjoy that medium for expression, too, and you’re good at both. They’re both artistic.

We have to stop.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: We got a few extra minutes (crosstalk at 00:27:02)

CLIENT: Sorry, I’m sorry, sorry, it’s my fault. Okay, so, 2:20.

THERAPIST: Hopefully tomorrow, yes.

CLIENT: Hopefully, okay, okay, cool. Okay, thank you. Thanks, Claire.

END TRANSCRIPT