TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: How’s it going?

THERAPIST: Good.

CLIENT: That should be okay later next week. Let me know, if you can, beforehand.

THERAPIST: Is there a certain day?

CLIENT: Wednesday, Thursday should be okay. Is it bad that I’m taking Cecelia to Assyria? I was thinking about this. I somehow feel guilty.

THERAPIST: Feel guilty?

CLIENT: I don’t know. Some of my friends don’t get it. They’re like, “Yeah, you’re attached, but it’s a cat. You’re taking her thousands of miles with you. It’s kind of a hassle. [00:01:01] Then I do feel kind of guilty because my mom loves her so much. Part of me thinks it would be the right thing to do, to leave her, because it makes my mom happy. Then I’m like no, it’s my cat. (chuckles)

THERAPIST: So you feel guilty towards your mom?

CLIENT: God, I’m so attached to this fucking cat I want to take it with me halfway around the world.

THERAPIST: Why should you feel guilty from your attachment?

CLIENT: I don’t know if guilty is the right word. It’s making me think whether it’s better for the cat to leave her in the house.

THERAPIST: Not good for her then?

CLIENT: Maybe. I don’t know. Whatever, I’m going to take her. I’m too attached. [00:02:03] My friend was like, “At the most, they might bribe you at Customs at the airport. Just have some cash on you. They’re going to see you have a fucking cat and they might just be like ‘Yeah, I can get some money out of this guy.’ At the most, that’s what’s going to happen. And also print out all the laws that you saw online in case they are like ‘whoops – this cat . . .’ Then you can tell them that it’s actually a law right here, so what do we need to do to hurry this along?” (pause)

THERAPIST: You don’t sound like you’re ambivalent about it, about doing it.

CLIENT: No, I’m not. I’m not. I want to take her. Since there is a way to take her, I want to take her. [00:03:09] Also my friend was like, “Dude, it’s a country. People bring in cats and dogs all the time. You don’t think you’re the only one bringing in a pet? From Asia and stuff, people bring in dogs.” I think I’m maybe just surprised at myself for being so . . .

THERAPIST: That sounds more the question, what does it mean that I’m attached?

CLIENT: Yeah, that I’m just so attached to this cat. That’s the thing. I told some of my friends, “You don’t get it. I know I’m saying this because it’s my cat, but honestly, I’ve never seen a cat . . . She’s just so full of love and so affectionate. I just can’t. I’m just so attached to her.” [00:04:03] And in some ways, I feel like if I left her with my mom, my mom loves her, but I don’t think that’s good for the cat either. She’s used to sleeping a certain . . .

THERAPIST: You. She’s attached to you.

CLIENT: Yeah. And cats get over that. I know they’re not dogs, but still if there were a way to take her, why wouldn’t I take her? And I told my mom, “Why don’t we get you one like her?” It’s a rag doll. They’re all beautiful. She’s like, “No, but I love her.” “But you also don’t want to take care of her.” “No, no, no.” I guess it’s nice. I like seeing my mom – she gets so happy with her, so I don’t know if I should just surprise her and just get her one and then she’ll just be like she was with Cecelia. Once I’ve bought her then, of course, then she loved it. She says she doesn’t want to actually have to take care of all the logistical stuff that you have to do to take care of a cat, but I don’t know. [00:05:05]

THERAPIST: You’re not so sure she means that.

CLIENT: On the one hand, I get that she really does mean it. Between my grandmother – brushing it, cleaning it, making sure it’s okay, feeding it twice a day or whatever – it’s a commitment. On the other hand, I see how happy she gets, so I don’t know. On some level it’s just another way to busy my mind. It’s like a distraction. I’m getting more excited to go now. I’m starting to feel okay.

THERAPIST: Does this mean that you’re buying a plane ticket soon?

CLIENT: I should. It’s going to be even more expensive if I buy it two weeks before, so yeah.

THERAPIST: Have you looked?

CLIENT: Oh, yeah. There is one route that’s the one I want to take. The other ones are way too long and too many stops. There is a simple Darien-Frankfurt, Frankfurt-Assyria, so that’s the one; but that’s not every day, so I’m looking at it. (pause) [00:07:01]

THERAPIST: To me you sound more excited.

CLIENT: Yeah, it just feels right. It feels like a good adventure. Shake things up, kind of – job, cheaper lifestyle. There are really not negatives that I can think of. (pause)

THERAPIST: Are there a few you can think of?

CLIENT: To going? Not really negatives, just things that you have to give up. Obviously my friends, my family . . .

THERAPIST: That’s what I mean. There are negatives; there are losses. [00:07:59]

CLIENT: Reasons you wouldn’t. Those really aren’t reasons for me not to. I’ve never been like that. If I feel like there is a big move I have to make, I suck it up and I do it.

THERAPIST: I don’t mean reasons that would make you not do it, but if you’re looking at the pros and cons, every single thing.

CLIENT: Oh, yeah. I guess I just don’t think of it as a negative, because that has a bad connotation; but yeah, you’re right, there are things. Of course, I’m going to miss people. I love Darien. Yeah, of course. Of course. Overall, I do have a comfortable set-up here.

THERAPIST: There is your band.

CLIENT: Yeah. Them, too. Not enough to . . . They don’t outweigh the good stuff that probably seems like is going to happen there. Also, the thing is so what? Even if those things don’t happen I’m going to turn around and come back to Darien, which is all still going to be here. Yeah, maybe we won’t be able to get the band back together, but that’s not enough of a reason. [00:09:06] (pause) Now it’s almost like a weird waiting. I’m in this weird place now. I know I’m going, so part of me has already kind of checked out somehow.

THERAPIST: You feel like you do know you’re going at this point? You’re sure?

CLIENT: Oh, yeah, yeah.

THERAPIST: I know that may sound strange to ask you.

CLIENT: No, because I’ve asked myself that. It’s good to be articulated because, again, what I’m doing is so different this time. [00:10:04] I’m such a different person. I can even go in March and come back in fucking April. I could come back two weeks later if I want. I’m not signing my soul away to the devil or something. It seems like a great opportunity. If I get there and it’s somehow a complete fucking nightmare, (laughs) I am going to get on a plane and come back to this, which is all still going to be here. When I think of it like this, why wouldn’t I go? I’ve never been there, so I have many good reasons to go there. There is nothing keeping me there. If I don’t like it I’m going to come back. That way it deflates some of the “oh, this is such a huge . . .” as if it’s some sort of no-turning-back kind of thing, which I don’t want. [00:11:00] That’s generally the way I’ve been. Everything has this loaded, symbolic . . . There is no reason for this to feel that way.

THERAPIST: Do you have a sense about when you’d like to go?

CLIENT: March.

THERAPIST: Definitely March?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And why March versus April?

CLIENT: The cold will start thawing. April because why not?

THERAPIST: You’re ready to go?

CLIENT: Yeah, what am I doing? And also because at the end of May is when really tourists, the people that live in Assyria over the summer, it’s hot as fuck. It’s like Darien but without enough air conditioning – that humid, hot . . . So I don’t want to show up in June kind of frazzled. The summer is going to go like that, trying to find an apartment in the high season. [00:12:02] Go in March, ease into things while things are still in a regular, every day hustle and bustle. I have one or two friends whose apartments might be empty. It’s that time of year where their families might not – you know. It might be easier to stay there. I can just maybe crash somewhere quickly and then just find a place. Also before I actually start work work, I’m already acclimated.

THERAPIST: Settled down.

CLIENT: Yeah, I feel comfortable more or less. I’m not lost. I get on the subway and here’s the school; I’ve been to the office. I don’t know. Also just to enjoy it. It’s not Berlin, it’s Assyria, so I just want to soak it in. [00:13:00] I know that everyone has said it just takes time to do. It is a kind of emotional, unreal kind of experience because it’s so built up in the diaspora. As much as I’m going without those romanticized things, it does hit you when you get there. It’s a very beautiful landscape, whether you like it or not. There is just so much. It’s so ancient. It’s so beautiful. Also financially. Just rent this fucking thing. If my mom puts $400 in my account every month, that’s my rent. [00:14:01] If I get some job doing whatever . . .

THERAPIST: Is it like a work Visa?

CLIENT: The school will be doing that. With Assyria she was like “nobody really cares here.” They’re so happy to have people come and who are qualified. It’s not an EU-type of cluster fuck. As a matter of fact, what will probably happen is I’ll just get a ten-year pass, like a citizenship.

THERAPIST: Hmm, that’s easy.

CLIENT: Yeah, it’s like $300. I can do everything but . . . I can buy property and I can work.

THERAPIST: That’s great.

CLIENT: It’s a passport and everything. [00:14:59] When I get there they give me some kind of – not a Social Security number, but a work number, to be able to pay you. That’s the good stuff. It’s a cluster fuck on some level, but on the other hand they’re still not that bureaucratic black and white, so it’s pretty cool. (pause) I also want to get there sooner than later because my mind will be at ease. Getting there and realizing that I am teaching two or three classes. I feel like I need to be there.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you need to get there. [00:16:05]

CLIENT: Because right now it’s like sure, one or two classes, but really when I’m there they might even be like, “Wow, you came. You didn’t back out. Okay, teach three classes.” That’s going to be important. If I could teach three classes, I will be all set. All set. All I’m going to need is a grand a month. $500 rent, $10 for fiber optic cable, no car, no nothing, some food, so making around $13,000 for a semester – Jesus.

THERAPIST: You’d start teaching in the summer then? [00:17:01]

CLIENT: That’s the other thing, I might be able to teach summer courses.

THERAPIST: That would be the hope, I assume?

CLIENT: That’s my hope because if I get there early I can pick up a class or two in the summer. Also there are just a lot of jobs there. Maybe I can do some marketing shit on the side. There is all this stuff. All their websites are kind of professional, but I could do a whole business of just rewriting their websites, all these Assyrian sites. They seem perfect, then you get to a couple of sentences and are like no, this is clearly not a native speaker. If I did things on the side and made $100 here and $200 there . . .

THERAPIST: You could fill in, you think, in some ways getting to the summer.

CLIENT: Exactly. I’d want to hit the ground running with some income, especially if my rent is almost going to be paid from here. I can start working and doing some stuff. [00:18:02] I think I still want to do that even when teaching. I’ll fucking do some shit on the side. I don’t care. Revamp some websites or whatever. Teaching three classes; are you kidding? Especially when they’re not like graduate seminars.

THERAPIST: We need to stop.

CLIENT: Wednesday? Awesome. Have a great weekend.

THERAPIST: You, too.

END TRANSCRIPT