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CLIENT: Home stretch. Oh, man, I�m tired. I slept late, (yawn) woke up super early to clean my apartment. Trying to rent it. Might not rent by the time I leave, so I�m just trying to� (yawn) Yeah, but I�m pretty excited.

THERAPIST: You�re smiling.

CLIENT: Yeah. I�m pretty excited. I just want to go. I�m ready.

THERAPIST: You leave Tuesday?

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Less than a week.

CLIENT: Yeah. Crazy. (Pause) So, sorry. Yeah, I feel pretty good. I�m definitely kind of�actually, today I�m more tired than I�ve been, because I�m just�I�m not drinking, really, lately. But last night, I had a bunch of beer�you know, there�s just people. I�m seeing people and stuff, so I didn�t get to bed until, like, three. And I woke up, like, at six. [00:01:18]

But it feels good. I�m getting stuff done, so that�s fine. The apartment�s nice and spotless and all that. I think I need to paint it, so that�s an added fucking�I don�t know if I can�I�m going to try to do it myself. (Pause) But it�s a lot. And I�m leaving by the skin of my teeth, barely with enough money. It�s just really, really�because I was banking on the apartment renting sooner. But it�s my fault, I just�you don�t realize how quickly�I thought, �Oh, beginning of March, whatever. Plenty of time.� But, whatever. I�ll figure it out. [00:02:09] (Pause)

THERAPIST: It�s going to be tight getting there, you�re saying.

CLIENT: Tight?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Financially.

CLIENT: Yeah. Going all the way there, yeah. It�ll be OK because the other tenant�s rent is due. I�ll already be there. So we can kind of finagle things. But just getting there, I�ve just got to be really careful. Because I still have to pay for Cecelia�like 200�at the airport. There�s little things, like getting a new battery for your laptop. And these things over there are going to be more expensive. [00:03:08] (Pause)

I�m mostly excited, though. Honestly, I don�t really feel�(pause) Yeah, I�m excited.

THERAPIST: You feel excited.

CLIENT: Yeah, I�m excited.

THERAPIST: It�s exciting.

CLIENT: Yeah, I feel excited. I�m a little concerned�I hope Cecelia is going to be OK. But I got her some happy pills. We�ll see.

THERAPIST: Meaning sedatives or something?

CLIENT: Yeah, the vet gave some sedatives. (pause) [00:04:06]

And then last week was good. My friend�my�Zio�s (ph) place, their older brother was here, so it was really nice. We spent a lot of time together, that crew, just hanging out at their house. And see, it�s funny, that�we drink whiskey when we all�but it�s weird, it doesn�t make�because you�re at someone�s house. And maybe we�re not drinking quickly. I don�t know what it is, but I didn�t feel quite�the next day I never felt really hung over like the way I do today. I think when you�re at someone�s house and you�re just kind of munching on some things, taking a sip�I think that�s a little different than at a bar, just drinking beers. And that was really fun, too. But I forgot�I�m not drinking much anymore, so it�s kinda�(yawn) [00:05:10]

And then last week, that Assyrian girl�remember I was saying�last week we had, like, one day where it got�it was a very close, close call. And I�m proud of how I handled it.

THERAPIST: Are you talking about the one who�s an Assyrian (inaudible at [00:43:16])

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Fashion designer, has the club?

CLIENT: Yeah. She wrote to me about, �You can stay in my spare room� or this or that, and I flirted back something. And I was like, �Maybe I�ll let you stay in there with me� or something like that. And then she was like, �I just have a couple rules. The bathroom has to be totally spotless� or whatever. And I was like, �Perfect, because that�s��whatever. And then she was like, �And you can absolutely not touch me,� or something. She said something like that. I was like�so I don�t know how it developed from there. [00:06:10]

But I just said something like, �You know, I want to nip this in the bud.� So I was like, �You know, I�m not trying to be your buddy.� I don�t know how I said it, something like that. She�s like, �Well what are you expecting?� or something like that. I said, �Well I�m not expecting anything. But, based on our communication, it seems to me like there might be a possibility. I don�t expect anything but��Then there was a brief�she was like, �Where is this coming from? Why are you being strange?� or something like that. And that�s�I mean, if you want to trigger me, that�s all you�ve got to do, is say anything like that.

So I had a few�but I turned it around, though. I was like, �I�m not being strange,� and I was just very blunt. I was like, �I�m not being strange, I don�t think you know how it might seem if you�re�I mean, I�ve been flirting with you, you haven�t told me to stop. You�ve been telling me things like you saw me in your dream, and you want me to stay with you, you want to pick me up.� I said, �I don�t think you realize how that can be interpreted.� [00:07:24] And she�s like, �I�m like this with everybody.� And I was like, �Oh, OK. I didn�t know that. I�m not like this with everybody� (laughter). So it was kind of cool. And then I prepared myself to cut her out. And then way later, I was like, �Don�t��I don�t know how I said it, but I said something like, �You know, our friendship�s really cool, and it�s really not a big deal. We were both flirting and I didn�t know that you�re like this with everybody, or whatever,� which I kind of don�t think that�she�s got issues.

THERAPIST: If it is true�she has issues, right? (laughter).

CLIENT: Yeah, either way she has issues. You can�t be texting somebody every fucking day. Oh, no, that�s when it was. That�s then I said, �I don�t want to be your buddy.� She�s like, �I�m like this with everybody. I text my girlfriends all day.� And I was like, �Dude, I�m not your girlfriend. And I�m not trying to be your bud��I was like, � I don�t think you�� [00:08:26]

So then she was like, �I�m sorry if I misled you.� I was like, �No, it�s not about misleading, it�s just�it�s been pretty mutual, I mean we��but I was like�

THERAPIST: Or even if you don�t know what it was exactly, the idea that it could be potentially romantic eventually is like�for her to think that that is odd for you to have romantic�really? Maybe it wouldn�t have led anywhere, but it�s pretty natural to think that that would be amongst the possibilities.

CLIENT: Yeah, that was the thing. I told her, I was like, �I�m not asking you to marry me or move�I�m just telling you that, for right now, who the fuck knows? But for right now, I really like this kind of chemistry that we seem to have. I�ve kind of developed some feelings for you.� I was like, �It�s not�calm down.� So there was a few hours where I was like, �Ughhh.� I was back in Samanthaville. My poor friend Lewis knew it. I couldn�t finish my lunch. They�re like, �What happened with you? Something totally happened.� And I was like, �Oh, man, it�s that obvious?� [00:09:33]

THERAPIST: (laughter)

CLIENT: They�re like, �Yeah, you�re totally�is everything OK?��

THERAPIST: [Go on]. (ph)

CLIENT: Even that felt good. I was just honest. I was just like, �Yeah, it�s just somebody kind of bumming me out.� But I was like, �It�s just no big deal, I�ll be fine.� And then I was. I just gave it, like, and hour. And now we�re back to texting like we were. Like today, she was like�no, yesterday. She was like, �I�m going to fall asleep.� And she said something kind of flirty-romanticky like, �I�m gonna fall asleep and��no, �I�m going to wake up and when I wake up the moon is going to go from here to where you are,� or something like that. And then this morning she was like, �Did the moon send you my messages?� or something like�how (laughter). You don�t text that to everybody. If you do, you�re nuts.

THERAPIST: And yeah, she�s nuts, then your guard�s going up about what it means that she�s doing that, and also telling you, �What are you talking about?� What�s up with that?

CLIENT: She�s someone�her guards are�oh, and then she was like, �You know, I�m just someone who likes to keep things light and have fun.� Those are all signals for�you are fucked-up. And, luckily�that�s the thing�luckily I didn�t do what I would have done, which is over-express. I just did nothing. Because I was going to be like, �Look, I think you�ve had bad experiences with dudes in the past, and that�s��I didn�t do anything. Matter of fact, I was prepared. I kind of drafted this very short thing that said, �Hey, by the way, everything�s cool. I thought we were both flirting with each other. Maybe I misread it, whatever. I�ll see you around, (inaudible at [00:11:28]).� And I was just going to send that and be like, �I am not going to be made to feel weird. That�s not happening again.� But I didn�t end up having to do it, because it just kind of went back to�so that�s a good sign. That�s kind of like what you�ve been saying. Even when something like that did come up, I didn�t go back to that place.

THERAPIST: On a number of different levels, you didn�t. Even also not having to try to take it up to get her to see how she�s being weird. You don�t have to feel like you have to convince her that she knows what you know. You can just know it without her�and you will take that data, and you will see her and probably go from there. But it�s an enormous red flag about her capacity to be persistently in her emotional esteem with people. She will be there and then disappear, and there and then disappear. [00:12:30]

CLIENT: And she also clearly has boundary issues. I mean, in a way, why is she even�

THERAPIST: Why is this even happening to this degree?

CLIENT: exactly. �Why is my name in the graffiti?� thing, or whatever. I mean, I know she put other things in there, too�people she knows, or whatever. But still, it�s like�I don�t know. Something�s�

THERAPIST: Even that, as an act of art, still. Why are their name�someone�s name is getting into your�that�s something, what it means about�

CLIENT: I think she has boundary issues. And I think, in some ways, also she�s a bit�I did some background searches, and without giving anything away, everyone says she�s very nice, whatever. Now, I don�t know if they�re being nice and not telling me what they really think. But everyone was like, �Yeah, she�s really nice.� And they�re like, �She knows a shitload of people, and she�s kind of the real deal. She�s not some amateur artist or whatever.� (pause). [00:13:34] Wait, what was I going to say?

THERAPIST: You said you did background checks.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Oh, I was going to say�I think she is a really nice person. Because the thing is, it is really nice of her to want to pick me up from the air�I think some of that really is just genuine. And she said, �You know, I just think you�re a really cool person, and you just seem like a really good person.� But I also think there is some�I�m sure every dude wants to get in her pa�it�s one of these things. It�s a very Michelle, Samantha�every dude wants to get into her pants. I think she has some boundary issues, so it�s easy for dudes to think they can get in her pants or something.

THERAPIST: Right, because beyond �every dude wants to get into her pants,� she�s also opening herself up to an extraordinary level of intimacy to you and then disavowing it. It�s a very intimate relationship you�ve developed. And you�ve never met each other in person, right? [00:14:38]

CLIENT: Right, no.

THERAPIST: And then she pretends as though, �Oh, this is nothing.� It�s not nothing. She�s uncomfortable with her own moving-in, and [at the time] (ph) she hasn�t.

CLIENT: And that�s where I stop myself. It�s like, �I�m not doing this anymore, where if you don�t get it, me telling you isn�t going to�not only is not going to convince you, you�re going to keep fucking with me. Because you�re going to be like, �Why are you being��

THERAPIST: So serious? [And it�s still] (ph) your problem and your weirdness.

CLIENT: Yeah, I was like, �Not doing that.� So it was great, I kind of just kept the humor up and I said, �We have a cool friendship and it would be cool to just keep that, see what happens, and whatever.�

THERAPIST: And she�s a good contact for you anyway.

CLIENT: Big-time.

THERAPIST: On a number of levels. [00:15:33]

CLIENT: Well, that was actually the biggest thing�even more than Samantha�that freaked me out. This is a small fucking country. That�s why I was nervous, anyway. I was like, people�it�s an incestuous place, I can already tell that. People travel in certain circles. If you�re a business guy�I can already see this kind of crew that, whether I like it or not, I�m gonna be in contact with. They might not be my best friends, or people I see all the time, but people that are going to come to shows, like art galleries, things�poetry things. These are the kind of people I�m going to hang out with. I was like, �Oh my God, if she�s the kind of person that blabs, and before I even get there she�s like, �This fucking guy is weird, he�s in love with me��because I think she has that thing where she thinks guys are in love with her or stalking her, and I think some of them are because of this boundary thing. So I was like, �That�s not me.� So I�m glad that it�s�(pause) [00:16:45]

THERAPIST: In a way, it�s like also having your guard up before you really know who you�re getting into.

CLIENT: Right, that felt good too. I stopped myself, and I was like, �Even if she was like, �I�m totally into you, and I can�t wait to��sending out more signal�

THERAPIST: [But you�ve still never met her.] (ph)

CLIENT: Exactly. I was telling myself, �Wait a minute, I�m going to a whole new�there�s going to be lots of hot chicks there, or other��

THERAPIST: Many, many other women (laughter).

CLIENT: Or whatever, that�s not even the reason I�m going there. So on different levels, is was good to handle it the way I did. (pause). The only thing I didn�t like about it is, is that it did trigger some more physical�that whole idea of time. I was like, �Fuck, this is another fucking weirdo. Each one of these things is another six months gone. I�m like 40. [00:17:53]

Then my mind goes to a bad place. Then I start thinking about, I�m starting to look older, my hair�s thinning. It goes to extreme things, and that I didn�t like. And I have trouble controlling that. That�s a tough one, because no matter how you �there is a reality of age and time. But at the same time I was like, �Dude, don�t talk like you�re a bald guy, because you�re not.� You know, trying to stop myself from being completely irrational. But, yeah, I didn�t like that it didn�t feel good that it triggered that kind of thing. [00:18:39]

THERAPIST: There�s a reality to time that there�s something else happening inside it. Because you�re aware you�re not a bald guy, for example. You�re not 75. But something gets really extreme inside it. I wonder�for example, what she did to you is humiliating. It just is. That is what�in a way you start to know, this is a little bit of the dance she plays: I invite you into this incredible level of intimacy with me, and then when you take it seriously and mean it, I say, �Whoa, what are you talking about? Don�t get ahead of yourself.� It�s really humiliating to be the recipient of that. Doesn�t mean you deserve that, it just means that�s kind of what she does with people. And she probably, on some level, unconsciously gets gratification from the moment of humiliation. [00:19:30]

So it makes sense that it would trigger the old kinds of familial humiliations�preoccupations with your appearance, and somebody nit-picking yourself apart. It�s a moment where that�s happening. Like your mother. The way she�just remembering her comment�it�s encapsulated what she�s done with you when you showed her this picture of who you were dating and she says, �Beautiful. Oh, but her mouth is so big.� Are you kidding me? It sounds like a compliment and then it�s this totally humiliating comment towards you and towards her. (pause) [00:20:54]

That�s why I think a little bit the old part that may have gotten stirred was the part about this feeling enticing. Her�instead of seeming crazy that she�s developing this level of intimacy with you without having met you. It can feel like something racy about the love you never had starting. The blind spot being, �Wait, why is she doing this? What�s in it for her?� (pause).

CLIENT: Meanwhile�I�m sorry, I�m discombobulated today�so that article�did I tell you the article, then I sent it to the paper?

THERAPIST: No, you didn�t tell me you sent it to the paper. The blog?

CLIENT: Yeah, the one about why I�m leaving. Not the new one I wrote. I was like, �You know what, I�m leaving and this is so appropriate for this fucking��the paper I used to edit, the Assyrian paper. And also I wanted to give them a little�this is that other, that Assyrian girl, remember, that I was so into and we hooked up and then suddenly it was weird and she married�it was weird. [00:21:56]

But anyway, so I just wrote her an e-mail and I was like, �You know, you guys have been pretty silent on anything I�ve accomplished in the last few years, so I don�t know why you�d want to publish this. But I feel like it�s pretty appropriate. Anyway, long story short, she loved it. They put it in there. Claire, the response�it�s kind of insane. It�s really insane. And not just from Assyrians. I�m really taken aback and touched by�I got an e-mail from this Assyrian guy who�s like a big-time diaspora studies�he is the man. He teaches at University of Hartford. I got this long e-mail from him saying how brilliant of an essay it was� [00:23:06]

THERAPIST: Oh my goodness.

CLIENT: And then all this shit from Assyrian. I got all these e-mails from people who work at�there�s this thing there called CivilNet, which is their�I don�t know what it is, but it�s this mix between PBS�they do, whatever, Internet TV program. It�s pretty interesting. It�s pretty cool. It�s one of the more professional legit things over there, in English and Assyrian. So I got an e-mail from the chief whatever, editor, executive, boss�whatever the fuck, I don�t know who she is�and then one of the journalists�two of the journalists who work there.

THERAPIST: Oh my goodness.

CLIENT: Yeah, it�s weird.

THERAPIST: It�s a lot for somebody to just pick up and respond to anything in the paper. That�s not that common.

CLIENT: Yeah. On Facebook it got tons and tons of people commenting. People were like, �It�s like you read my mind.� And then someone found me in the Brown directory, and he�s like, �Please come, I have a home in the mountains in Assyria. Please come, I�m there a few times a year.� Some Swiss dude that lives in Assyria. Really, unreal. [00:24:25]

THERAPIST: Well, now you�re smiling. (laughter)

CLIENT: Yeah, it�s kind of a�

THERAPIST: It�s a big deal.

CLIENT: That�s a big deal, yeah. And I know that was enough�I showed it to my mom, and she was cool. She didn�t say anything weird. But it�s funny, I�m just thinking about this now, actually, that�s how far I�ve come. Where when I showed it to her, I didn�t even�I don�t know, I kind of didn�t care whether she understood that it was a big deal or not.

THERAPIST: Because you did.

CLIENT: Yeah. Exactly.

THERAPIST: And a lot of other people did, too.

CLIENT: Yeah. Well, I mean, just getting Sterling (ph), just getting that professor. That�

THERAPIST: [That was your professor?] (ph)

CLIENT: Yeah, because that guy�s a hardass. He�s not some kind of�he�s the real deal. He founded a journal that�s one of the only diaspora�it�s one of the best known�it�s published by St. Andrews. He�s just the real deal. So, when people like that�I was like, �Yeah, I think I�m doing the right thing by going to Assyria.� (laughter) So I think it was good timing. With all the logistical stuff that�s a little bit tiring and makes me frazzled, that made me more focused on the big picture of�you know, this is nonsense, packing, cat, mat, whatever. Once I get to the airport and go, it�s going to be great. [00:26:03]

THERAPIST: Even just when it starts to open up about what the prospects could be, too, Artel. It�s almost as good for you to have some time before the possibility of teaching just to kind of be able to feel that out a little more.

CLIENT: Yeah. What else is out there, yeah. For example, I don�t think there�s any doubt that this CivilNet�I mean, if three people are getting in touch with me, that means that, even if it�s not a job, there�s something�

THERAPIST: [You could do] (ph) publishing. That�s just a�

CLIENT: Yeah. And also the opposite. I�m sure they might want to interview me. So, yeah, it�s good all around.

THERAPIST: What form is the publication?

CLIENT: Of what?

THERAPIST: Of the journal.

CLIENT: It�s a newspaper.

THERAPIST: A hard newspaper?

CLIENT: Yeah

THERAPIST: So these people all got the hard copy�?

CLIENT: Online.

THERAPIST: Or they found it on Facebook? Or, no, they read it online.

CLIENT: It�s like The Globe. There�s an online and a paper.

THERAPIST: Both versions. [00:27:10]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: What�s it called?

CLIENT: The Assyrian Weekly. And then I posted it on Facebook. I posted my blog on Facebook, and that just got ridiculous. And then also people started sharing it, and that was interesting because I started following�I don�t like comment sections. This is the first time I�ve had to deal with anything like that. I don�t�there were a couple of people who just said stupid shit�total, maybe like four people. Tiny minority. But, just in general, I�m not a big fan of comment section. But it was interesting to see someone share it and then just people talking about what I�d written. Really fucking talking about it. It was weird.

THERAPIST: Stimulating.

CLIENT: Yeah. Pretty cool. [00:28:11] (pause)

THERAPIST: Sounds like you�re a writer.

CLIENT: You just reminded�this is one thing I didn�t want to say that blew my mind. My mom read it�and it�s pretty long. It took up the whole�so, she got through it. And she kept stopping, and at one point she said�which I could take in a bad way, but I didn�t coming from her�she�s like, �Wow, son,� she�s like, �you�re like a real writer.�

THERAPIST: (Laughter)

CLIENT: Which is so�I just kind of laughed. But still, that�s kind of cool. It was nice to hear. She�s like, �This is very serious.� That was so�

THERAPIST: So she was getting it for a second.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I guess all her friends have read it, and they�ve all complimented�all that shit. [00:29:12] (pause)

THERAPIST: I think she actually is proud of you.

CLIENT: Yeah, no, she is. She was like, �I found out that the president of AUA stepped down.� She�s like, �You should be doing that.�

THERAPIST: (laughter)

CLIENT: And for a second I got annoyed, but then she�s like, �Why are you getting annoyed? I�m saying it because you deserve�why shouldn�t you?� It�s kind of like one extreme or the other. But yeah, she is. I think she�s starting to see�whatever.

THERAPIST: Well, there�s some weight (ph) on the platform of taking this real part of you in as a writer, it sounds a little more like it�s from knowing you, that you actually could get to that role, instead of just blindly idealizing you or something. It�s really (inaudible at [00:30:13]) to saying, �You can do this one thing. Why not?�

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: That�s so exciting. I�m so thrilled for you.

CLIENT: Thank you. Yeah, it�s pretty cool.

THERAPIST: What a launch. (laughter) It doesn�t hurt on your way out the door.

CLIENT: Yeah, it doesn�t hurt. It feels pretty good. (pause) Yeah, I�m excited. I think there�s�I�m cautiously hopeful. But now I�m also a little more confident than I was last month. I�ve been trying to fight this thing where it feels really right, and good things are going to hap�not fight it, but I�ve been really been downplaying it. [00:31:21]

THERAPIST: You kept staying hyper vigilant.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I�m pretty excited. I don�t know. (pause) Now I almost feel like I could even get there and AUA could be like, �Sorry, that job�s not open,� (laughter) and somehow good things are still going to happen. I don�t know, that�s just the sense I get. (pause) I think some of it, too, is�I think I have�what feels good is that I�m finally�I don�t necessarily like people, but I do like connecting and somehow moving them, or whatever. And this is the first time�I mean, I�ve had shows or whatever at a poetry reading. But there�s something about this that feels different. The response and the thoughtfulness of all the responses from strangers or people that I kind of know, but don�t know, Assyrian, nonAssyrian. [00:33:01]

So I feel like I�m kind of coming into my own in terms of�

THERAPIST: In terms of�?

CLIENT: In terms of, this is what I want. I don�t want to put shit on Facebook. I want to actually somehow get people to really think or to actually respond, or to whatever. And it seems like I�m going to have that opportunity there more than I do here. Which�that was the thing�a lot of people, that was their response. They were like, �I�ve lived there for a while or I visit.� They were like, �That is the difference. In Assyria, you can do a little thing and actually see some kind of transformation, whereas here we tend to get, even if you go volunteer at a shelter or something, it�s just so massive. We�re so inundated by everything, and we�re stressed. So it�s like, �All right, I volunteered at a shelter, but there�s still like, two million homeless people,� or whatever it is. Over there, I guess from what everyone said, there�s just some sense of, �I care about domestic violence.� And then you go and you do something and you actually see some kind of tangible result. [00:34:28]

THERAPIST: You feel like you have an actual effect on the community. And yet, I think actually what is so cool about this happening right now before you�ve gone is that you�re having an effect even while you�re here. And then I think, in part, one of the reasons you�re having an effect is in what has evolved inside you, to begin to start speaking your mind without so much self-criticism. To dare to say what you�re thinking. And then dare to send it out. That�s, in some ways, the root of your having an effect right now. (inaudible at [00:35:08])

CLIENT: Yeah, and that�s what a lot of them said. So many of them were like, �This is the most heartfelt, brave, honest, piece I�ve read about where we�re at and what�s going on with so many of us,� and this and that. And that�s very touching. (pause)

THERAPIST: In other words, you�ll take that with you to Assyria, but I think that you have that here, too. It�s grown here, too.

CLIENT: Yeah, I agree. It happened here. I wrote it here, I didn�t write it there.

THERAPIST: You published it here.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) [00:36:18] I think in some ways, it�s going to be a big�I don�t know why I sense this�but I think it�s going to be a big relief to leave this time, you know what I mean? In a really good way. [00:37:15] (pause)

THERAPIST: Like it�s finally arrived.

CLIENT: Yeah, I�m finally my own person. And it�s weird that people can�a number of my friends have said, �You�re not coming back. You�ll visit, or whatever, but you�re going to do so fucking good there.� And that�s the thing I don�t want to hear, kind of.

THERAPIST: And yet again I keep thinking about the metaphor of going off to college. As sad as it is that you�re not coming back, you hope�in a way�when kids go they don�t come back. That means things are going really well. You know, if they�re coming back (inaudible at [00:38:05]) or even if they move to the next town over, it�s that symbolic �I�m off to my own life.�

CLIENT: Yeah, that �When I do move back here, it will not be this. The way my life is set up right now, there�ll be something different about it. Better.

THERAPIST: You�re determined you�ll move back to Darien?

CLIENT: No, no. I�m leaving it very open-ended. I don�t think it�s wise to�I�ve never fucking been there. I think it�s going to go great, but I could be back in six months. But that�s the thing, I feel like even if I did come back in six months�I don�t think I am coming back in six months�but something is fundamentally shifting so that even if I came back in six months I�d probably couch-surf. I�d do something that I�ve never really done before. I just would refuse to live at our house or�I don�t know. It would just be different. But I don�t see that happening. I see myself doing OK over there and then being able to visit enough that I can get my fill. [00:39:40]

THERAPIST: Like college, you come home for a month, and three months. (Laughter).

CLIENT: Especially if the job pans out the way I think it is, then Jesus, whatever. I�ll be here for the summers if I want or whatever.

THERAPIST: But the symbolic not coming back, it�s not ever going to be this again. No matter where you plan to live. It�s on your own terms and your own forward development, increasingly. (pause).

CLIENT: Yeah, it�s weird. I thought I was going to feel�as it got really close�I thought I was going to feel more sad. But I just don�t. I�m just excited. It�s pretty cool. Maybe I�ll feel sad when I get there or something, or on the plane. But I don�t think so (laughter). I�m just psyched. [00:41:31]

Because again, it�s very different when you�re like, �I�m not closing the door.� I kind of hadn�t traveled like that in a very�almost ever. Everything was always so black�like you said, �From one bubble to another.� Now it�s like, I love it here, I love all my friends, and it�s not�it�s a good feeling.

THERAPIST: So much more about opening your doors.

CLIENT: Yeah, and just that it�s all integrated. Darien�s not going anywhere. It�s not�

THERAPIST: Your foundation is here.

CLIENT: Yeah. Because now I can see what was holding me back before. Because that is rattling and unnerving and not particularly joyful. Like, �All right, I�m going London, and this is a big serious break��it�s really not. It�s a five-and-a-half hour flight then�yeah it is a big deal, but it isn�t. The flow of your life is still the same. It�s really not�but when I look back, that was so terrible to do it that way. [00:43:16] (pause)

THERAPIST: Tomorrow?

CLIENT: See you at noon. Thank you. Have a good day.

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