TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi. Come on in. I'm just going to adjust the air.

CLIENT: Okay. Thank you.

(pause, background noise)

CLIENT: It's been a while.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: A lot going on. Number one, me and my girlfriend are on a new diet. We've been on it for six days. It's called "Seven Day Detox" where I have been eating nothing but fruits and vegetables. I've lost about fifteen pounds.

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: I feel really good about myself.

THERAPIST: That's a lot of weight.

CLIENT: Yeah. In six days.

THERAPIST: Whoa!

CLIENT: So well that's going well. The job search is not going well. I feel like I've been denied a lot more than I anticipated. And the denial is really triggering some old feelings about wanting to use, wanting to eat, wanting to not be disciplined like I've been. And it's to the point where I'm just getting very frustrated, very agitated. [00:01:27]

To the point where I will lash out here and there, you know, at my girlfriend for little things when I don't want to. And it is because, you know, I'm frustrated. I'm not where I want to be.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And for me it hurts because, you know, as we talked about in a couple of previous ones is I feel like (sigh), I feel like I'm not good enough for positions. And then when I don't get them it just reinforces in my head that I am not good enough.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And the doubt of my ability comes in and, you know, that's when the feelings of depression kick in, I guess. And that's when the feelings of, "Do I want to use? Do I want to eat? Do I want to " You know, I want something to help me clear my mind and help me move forward and take the next step into being the person that I want to be. [00:02:37]

But it's been extremely difficult throughout this, you know, whole job search. And then now on the diet, even though it's been six days, it's just I have the food there to comfort me. But now I don't have the food that I want there comforting me. And now I just really feel like I'm on edge. I feel like I'm really, you know, going to I feel a breakdown coming.

And I want to catch it before it even comes. And it's very difficult because there's so many safety nets that I've jumped to in the past that have helped me for the short term and not for the long term. And I think me fighting those safety nets, fighting to just take it in stride and move on to the next step of my life, which I believe this is, it's very difficult for me. Because I do feel like I'm being dragged back. [00:03:53]

I do feel that the temptation, the addiction, the wanting to feel the way I feel before when I'm down and when I'm sad. It's really getting to be overwhelming where, you know, I'm fighting every minute of the day to stay on course, to stay on the right track. And it's difficult. (laughs) It's starting to become a little overwhelming.

Just like last night, you know, at dinner time I just wanted to eat something unhealthy. But, you know, after talking with my girlfriend and the support that she's given me, you know, she kind of talked me off. Because there's so many times where I just want to cheat. Especially when I'm by myself. No one is looking. [00:04:56]

What if I just stop in at a fast food restaurant? What if I just go in the fridge and, you know, have that chicken that was made last night? What if I go in the fridge and just eat the stuff I'm not supposed to eat? But I haven't done it. I've wanted to so bad. I even go in the fridge three and four times looking for that piece of steak that's going to be there waiting for me to eat it. And it's not there. And then I'll shut the door and I'll go back fifteen minutes later and I'll look for it.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: And it's still not there. And then I get (sigh) kind of depressed again and I just move on and eventually I just fight through the hunger, fight through the urge and move forward. But it's been one of the most difficult last four weeks that I've definitely had to go through. [00:06:00]

Just because of the frustration of, you know, jobs that I really wanted, jobs that I, you know, was told good things, good reviews and the feedback. Where I'm coming out feeling pretty good about myself. Feeling very excited about my chance for the opportunity to maybe potentially work there.

And then, you know, three days later getting the letter that, you know, I didn't get it. And it's just, for me it's devastating because I feel like I've grown up with so much people telling me I can't do this, I can't do that. And in reality, I'm seeing it now. But I don't want to I don't want to let that hold me back.

I want to keep continuing to strive to move forward to help me get to the goal that I want to be. Eventually, I'd like to be a gym teacher. Do I know if I'll be a gym teacher by September? In my mind I'm setting it off as probably not. But there are other positions that I'm, you know, going to actively pursue just so I don't lose, you know, my background. [00:07:22]

I feel that I don't have enough experience and that's what people keep telling me. But I don't want to use that as an excuse because I feel if people give me an excuse I use them an awful lot. And when I use them I feel like that's why I'm not getting it. And if I don't get a new job, well it's because of that. I don't want that.

I want to go out and get my experience now. And if I have to be at the bottom of the totem pole, I will. That's the sacrifice, mentally, that I'm preparing myself to make to moving forward. And there's so many other things that I'm actively pursuing now that, you know, I never thought I could before.

Like finally I'm starting to get into my Dad's business, which before when I was younger I wanted no part of. But as I'm getting older and it's coming to that time where eventually I'm going to be a homeowner, it's a great profession to know because you know the ins and outs of a home. If something happens in the middle of the night I know what to do. [00:08:32]

So my Dad's very ecstatic about that. I'm very ecstatic about that because, you know, my brother is already in it. I'm getting in it. You know, and now the goal is to get my little brother in it. Is because it is a family business. When my Dad started, my grandfather and my great uncle started the business. They did it for the family and all the families coming in.

And that just, you know, over the last year finally sunk into me. Like I feel bad for my Dad who started this business, you know, and he wants us to keep its legacy going and we're just going to let it end. And, you know, over this whole time I'm going to school and doing all this stuff. I'm like, "I'm not going to let that happen."

He worked really hard to be where he is today. He worked really hard to establish, you know, a well known business. And that's, you know, what I'm going to actively pursue. [00:09:26]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So with that being said, my moving forward is, and this is the struggle that I deal with, is I'm going to be an coach. I'm going to try and be some sort of coach in the school. And that's going to be fantastic because that's going to be a resume builder for me. Which I'm looking for right now is a resume builder.

I'm also going to have the opportunity to continue to work with my Dad so I can get into that business. The only thing about this is now I have to go to school again and I just finished school. And I have to go back to school for inspections. Which I'm planning on doing in the spring. It's going to cost around three thousand dollars. You know? And I'm not worried about it.

I know I've got, you know, all these bills to pay and somehow, some way I'm kind of managing them. Which is fantastic because I used to get a lot of anxiety over money, as you know. [00:10:36]

THERAPIST: Do you have a savings? Or how are you managing [your bills] (ph)?

CLIENT: I do have some savings, yes.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And no matter what, and this has been, this was cemented into my head even before time (ph), is whatever I have in my account I put twenty five dollars away every week no matter what. And I put that into my savings account. Even if I know I need that twenty five dollars, I'll find a way to make up twenty five dollars because I know that I need that for me later on.

I don't want to get into bad habits of living paycheck to paycheck. No matter what I want to save something. I want to keep that good habit of not spending all my money and not reaching into my savings. I have reached into my savings for some spending, yes. But when I reach out I know I'm still slowly, well very slowly, building it back up. [00:11:34]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And I know eventually one day I'll get it back up to where I'd like to be ideally. Yeah. And that's not a problem with me right now. For me, right now is my success in me living a healthy life is more important to me right now than money. My girlfriend and I have had this conversation for a long time now. You know?

And finally, I think it's finally registering to me that as long as I'm happy being with her, as long as we can survive together, I'm okay with it. Because eventually I'm going to be the support system, hopefully. If I can get into my Dad's business and then eventually be a gym teacher. Where I'll be working two full time jobs where she can slow down and if she'd like to work a part time job, I'd be more than happy with that. [00:12:32]

But I'm just not going to let the stress of money bother me anymore. The anxiety of money bother me any more where, you know, to the point where I'm freaking out and I'm not myself. And I feel that change that I have because of the treatments that I've going through with here. I feel that, you know, processing information more, understanding situations more ideological, ideol Whatever that word is.

THERAPIST: Ideologically?

CLIENT: Ideologically?

THERAPIST: Ideo? (ph)

CLIENT: Yeah, something like that. Like processing all the information from the situations.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And thinking about them has made me a better person that I am today. It's made me realize that there are more important things than, (laughs) you know, money right now. [00:13:32]

And, you know, I just think back to one of the stories one of my professors told me. Where she told me she was dead broke four times. And today after working hard and being successful at what she did, she's a very, you know, successful woman who lives comfortably. And I bring myself back to that in thinking about that. And you know what? It's right.

You know? She had it right. Eventually, you know, we're all going to be down in the dumps some day. But it's what you do to build yourself out of it. And what you do to build yourself moving forward is what makes you the person that you are, you know, at this present time.

And I go back to that and that just motivates me. It just motivates me and it allows me to know it's okay to be down for now. But you're not going to be down forever. And that's kind of what I've been preaching to myself. This is just the down time. This is the down years. They'll eventually get better. [00:14:44]

And with that mentality I feel, you know, myself as a person, you know, becoming that much better. I'm less agitated. I'm less aggressive. I'm just more laid back, more me. You know? Except when I get, you know, the rejection letters.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And when I get the temptations. And when, you know, the negative stuff that's coming into my life is still coming in. It's difficult for me because I want to just jump ship so bad. I want to jump off course. I want to run back to the things that made me forget about stuff. The things that made me, you know, things that made the old me comfortable. [00:15:41]

"It's okay. Yeah, You didn't get it because that person didn't like you." Or, "You didn't get it because you don't have experience." I don't want to use that. And it's difficult fighting that.

THERAPIST: I'm sorry.

CLIENT: No. Go ahead.

THERAPIST: Well, I was thinking that you have this real hopeful side about what your future could look like. And then you have this side that you feel sort of dragging you down.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: I'm not sure how the two of those go together.

CLIENT: (sigh) I think they go together because the hopeful side is the real me. The hopeful side is the person who wants to help everybody who helps them self. Who wants to be successful. And then the person that drags me down is the person that's been abused.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Not physically, but mentally for so many years. Who has been abused emotionally for so many years. Just the lack of confidence that that person dragging me down has really, really is difficult to let go of. [00:16:50]

Coming back, I mean I think it started at a young age when (laughs) my grandmother stopped coming to my birthdays. And when, you know, the hatred between my mother and my aunt and my grandmother. I think that negative energy just growing up. And my mother constantly making excuses for me growing up about why I wasn't able to this, why I was big, why I was that. I think that's part of me that's still around, that's still hanging in there, that's still dragging me down.

But the toughest part is when I was younger, you know, when my grandmother wouldn't come to my birthdays, what would I do? Is I'd eat like three pieces of cake.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: "Well, she's not here. I get to eat her portion."

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And my mother and my father would allow that and they'd say it was okay. And just constantly even when I was younger even though, like I said, my mother was depressed, who still is depressed. Her way of coping with it was eating. [00:18:10]

Well her just not restricting anything from us. Giving us what we wanted to try to cope with her own stress of dealing with four young children all at the same time. And for me it was difficult because I, you know, I do feel like I didn't have a chance.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Because I didn't know right from wrong back then. I didn't know that I couldn't eat it or should eat it or shouldn't eat it. I didn't know that. But now that I do know what I should and shouldn't eat, I still choose to eat what I shouldn't eat because it's what I grew up with.

It's what I remember as comforting when I was a young boy. And for me that's what I'm trying to fight. Is whenever anything was down, whenever anything was hard, what did I do? I'd turn and have a bag of chips. Or I'd turn and have, you know, a couple of sodas. [00:19:17]

And even as I grew up in my teenage years, whenever anything was going down I'd turn to assault, or I'd turn to heroin, or I'd turn to pills.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Whatever I wanted I had it. And that's not the thing that I wanted. What I really wanted, I guess, was to feel worthy, was to feel loved, to feel like, you know, I was someone who could make a difference. And (laughs) growing up I guess I really didn't feel like that.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Because I had all these excuses to fall back on. I had all these ways, the way that I lived, to fall back on. And I had all this negativity that was feeding me constantly for year after year after year. And I think it's just tough for me to just let all that negativity go when I've been living with it for, you know, so many years. [00:20:31]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And it's difficult because, you know, I still see it when I go home today to my parents and when I stop down. It's just nothing has changed. Nothing has changed. And, you know, I finally moved back in full time with my girlfriend.

THERAPIST: Mm. Really?

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: When did that happen?

CLIENT: It happened middle of, first week of July.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: And I told her once I did it is, "I couldn't do it anymore." I realize now what I want and I want her. And I want to start a new life without my parents, without my siblings, you know, living with me. Because from this point on moving forward, you know, she is my family. And I want us to have, you know, a happy life together. And I want us to do the right things. [00:21:34]

And I want us to make good decisions. To not be as negative as, you know, both what she learned growing up and what I learned growing up. We want to try to change everything and we turn everything into a positive. Because by living positive I feel that, you know, I will not only have a better life for myself and for my girlfriend, but if we eventually do someday get married we'll have a better life for our family.

And that's the one thing that, you know, scares me is I don't want to make a mistake because I feel like my parents, even though they did a great job raising me, I felt they made some major mistakes. And I kind of resent them a little bit for that. You know? I feel like from day one, you know, being an obese child I never had a chance. [00:22:36]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And that all started from when I was three and four years old. That's when the weight started coming on and, you know, my girlfriend just pulled out [old packet] (ph) of one of my birthdays. And one of my aunts got me a gallon jar of red raspberry jelly as a birthday present. And I was already, you know, a heavy, obese child.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And when I smiled I was so happy that I got it. My eyes were closed and I had like three chins. Looking at it it really disturbed me.

THERAPIST: How old were you?

CLIENT: I was probably twelve or thirteen.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It really disturbed me. And even my girlfriend said, "Who got you a jar of jelly for your birthday?" And I think about it now and I'm like, "Yeah, why would they do that?" I mean and I remember it now that I saw the picture, I remember getting that jar of jelly and I remember that it was gone in a week. [00:23:38]

And for me it's just frustrating because this is what I know. This is what I've continuously and repeatedly have gone through for year after year after year, was that it's okay to eat. It's okay to eat a lot. It's okay to eat a lot of the bad stuff.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And that's difficult for me because anytime I feel stress, anytime I feel down that's what I want to turn to. Before it was the assault. And I still feel, you know, I still feel like I'm turning that way. I still feel like I want to smoke. I get that craving. I get the tobacco craving on a daily basis. And I almost, every time I almost, almost cave in. [00:24:37]

The other day I was at the baseball field working, you know, the state tournament and the coach pulls out a chew and he handed it to me. He goes, "You want one?" And I grabbed it and I looked and I said, "No. I'm all set." But that was extremely difficult.

THERAPIST: What made you give it back to him? What enabled you to do that?

CLIENT: Just thinking what me and my girlfriend have started.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Her reminding me, "You don't need this stuff. It's not for you. Let it go. It's not for you. Keep going." You know? "Keep going." And that's the support that I've, you know, looked for. That's the support that I've wanted for so long. And it's the support that I'm finally getting that's making me understand more about what life is about. What the positives of life. I mean, (sigh) growing up it was all negatives and it was all feeling sorry for yourself. [00:25:41]

But it's okay for yourself because of x, y and z. Without x, y and z you can't feel sorry for yourself. But every time there was an x, y and z. And that's what I'm trying to avoid now. That's what I'm trying to eliminate. And that's what I eliminated, you know, with the chewing tobacco. There was no x, y and z to do it. There wasn't even an x.

And that took a lot of You know, I look back on it and it took a lot for me to not do it.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Because it's there. Like I said, everything that I've done, that I know, it's all there. And the hardest part of it is not doing it. I know, you know, as part of my treatment for assault was I deleted all my numbers from my phone. And I had to avoid the people that were most subject to put me in a bad environment. And that was all my best friends from college. [00:26:58]

And doing that it really hurt me. It really made me depressed because they were great buddies of mine. They were really great buddies of mine. And I know that for a time I needed it to help myself up and I did it. Well now, it's more difficult because I can't shut out everything in my life. It's just not going to happen.

And the hardest part for me, personally, would be to shut out my family. Because I do love them unconditionally, I do. And, you know, even my girlfriend said, "You shouldn't do that. You shouldn't shut them out completely. It's not right." Because her and I have had conversations where she wanted to do the same with her mother. (sound like a burp) Excuse me. Excuse me. So I mean I've known in the past that it has worked for me. But I just don't think I could do it. [00:28:07]

Just because there is that love there. There is that, you know, feeling of being loved. Do I resent them a little bit for what they did? Yes. Do I have anger toward them for what they did? A little. (sigh) Were there a lot of things that I wish were done over when I was a child? Yes. A lot of things.

You know, I do wish my Dad stepped in and confronted my grandmother at an earlier stage. I do wish my mother, you know, would (sigh) take that bag of chips away from me and tell me I couldn't eat the whole thing. I wish she would say, "No, you can't have soda." You know? I wish I was a little bit more disciplined when I was growing up.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I never really got punished growing up. I was never grounded.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I never really got anything taken away from me. I was always bribed. "If you do this, we'll get you this system." "If you this I'll get you this for dinner." [00:29:18]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And now that I look back on it it's been extremely difficult trying to lose weight in that house. I remember when I had lost my hundred and something pounds, you know, senior in high school going into freshman year college. That was one of the most difficult years of my life.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Because there were days where I'd work out, and I worked out every day for two plus hours. I busted my tail. And then I'd come home and I'd eat but I'd eat normally. And then there would be times where I wouldn't eat for a whole day. I'd go twenty four hours without eating.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I'd work out, I'd do everything, because I knew what we're having the next night that I really wanted to indulge in because it was one of the better meals that I really did like growing up. And I did. I'd not eat for twenty four hours, which was very difficult. I shouldn't have done that. But then come dinner time I ate like I never saw food before. [00:30:28]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: But I felt like it was okay because it was two days worth of calories as opposed to one.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And that's the mentality that I thought of.

THERAPIST: Well you're describing sort of difficulty regulating yourself.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Not too much, not too little.

CLIENT: Mm hm. I do. I can't. And I have a lot of difficulty even now with portions.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: There's tons of times where I'm good. I know how much to eat and I eat it before, but there's extra there. And I still go and eat it.

THERAPIST: Well it sounds like you bounce between feeling pride and feeling guilty. Like you go toward these things when you're feeling deprived and you want to be filled up and you want.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: And then you feel guilty for taking too much or wanting even too much.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: And so then you feel guilty and want to kind of abstain. [00:31:26]

CLIENT: Mm hm. No, I agree. I agree. And, like you, I'm trying to figure out why. I'm trying to figure out why I overindulge. I'm trying to figure out why I feel deprived when I don't have them. You know? And it bothers me because now that I'm on this detox, you know, I'm watching food shows. And my girlfriend is like, "Why are you doing this?" I go, "I don't know."

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Because I think watching them and watching other people, it helps me a little bit. Because I see, you know, how good and greasy and fatty that food is. And it makes me want it then, but I know I have no way of getting it. So then for me it's okay because then I usually watch them at night before I go to bed. I'll go to sleep and I'll either dream about them or I'll just sleep through the night and then the next morning I'll forget about it. [00:32:33]

THERAPIST: Dream about?

CLIENT: The food.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Dream about, you know, how good that tastes. And then that's a way of me eating it. You know? It's just how I process things.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It's how I get over, you know, not eating it. And that's the one thing that my girlfriend has asked me over and over again is, "You know you can't eat it. Why are you watching it?" And I don't know what it is but there's something that brings me back to the same channel over and over again.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And makes me want it more and more and more. (laughs) I have no explanation for it. I really don't. I can't say it's habit because it hasn't been. I haven't been doing that for twenty plus years. But I have been seeing delicious food like that for twenty plus years. I have been seeing, you know, the cakes, the cookies, the chicken parms (ph), the French fries and the sandwiches with the heavy mayonnaise and stuff like that. [00:33:46]

I have been seeing that my whole life. And it makes me want it. I need. I guess I am afraid, now talking about it, I guess I am afraid of not having those things.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I'm afraid that they are just going to run out on me like some people did. For a while. And believe it or not, I don't know why it just popped into my head, but that's what I fear, that I'm never going to get them again.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to feel like the way that people ran out on me before. I don't want to feel, you know, like I don't have them there. You know? And this is just crazy. It's popping in my head. I have a thing for ketchup. Ketchup is like one of my best friends. And not having ketchup, I don't know if I could live. I mean I could. But just not having it because I enjoy it so much, it's scary. [00:35:03]

THERAPIST: What do you like about it?

CLIENT: The taste. How it makes me feel. I like, you know, just to have with everything. It's like my "go to" condiment.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I have it with everything. Wherever I've gone and eaten it's always been there.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And this is crazy how it just popped in, but it is. it's like one of It's like losing, you know, one of your good friends.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And I don't want that because I've already had that experience. And I don't want to experience that again. I guess that's why I'm having difficulty letting go of the addiction to food. Because I do have some kind of relationship with it, I guess.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Where it's, you know, kind of on a personal level.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I mean, when I was younger my mother couldn't keep ketchup in the house fast enough before I'd eat it. I'd eat it with everything. [00:36:11]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I still eat it with everything. You know? It just brings me back to another memory. My aunt used to call me "The Ketchup King."

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: And I used to (laughs), you know I used to think it was amusing, but I used to eat a ton of ketchup.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: I still do. You know? I mean I've cut back a lot but ketchup is, you know, if ketchup was a human I'd consider him a friend.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And I guess that's, you know, moving forward is (sigh) all the other food is not as friendly as ketchup. Because I know ketchup in the end is not going to harm me. But I know the other stuff can and will eventually. And that's what I'm kind of feeling now, you know, moving forward with my life is I do want a sidekick by me. I do want someone to be there with me as I take that next step forward. [00:37:20]

But I don't want to take that next step by myself yet because I am afraid. I am afraid of what's going to come. I am afraid of, you know, if the next step is really bad am I going to be able to handle it?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Or if the next step is really good, how am I going to handle it? You know? I'm still, I'm at a crossroads there. If it's really bad do I sink down in the dumps and do I revert back to eating and drinking and assaulting again? Or if it's really good do I continue on the path that I'm taking. Taking the next step to better myself.

I already know what this path is going to bring me. It's going to bring me back down to where I don't want to be again. I've never taken the positive path. I never have. [00:38:22]

THERAPIST: One thing, I don't mean to change the topic, came to my mind.

CLIENT: Oh.

THERAPIST: I'm struck that you didn't bring up moving back in full time with your girlfriend until now. I know we haven't met, but that seems like a really big deal.

CLIENT: No, it is. It's a gigantic deal. I guess because there's such so much other stuff going on I didn't (laughs), I didn't really put it as an important piece as part of my treatment. But it has been a very, very emotional, very successful move in.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: You know, at first she demanded the ring. You know? And I said, "Okay." But, you know, now we are in serious talks about being engaged. You know, with my grandmother passing I got my inheritance and I'm going to use that towards an engagement ring. So, you know, eventually we're going to take the next step forward. But, you know, I'm just waiting for the right moment to do it. [00:39:24]

THERAPIST: Which grandmother?

CLIENT: My Dad's grandmother.

THERAPIST: When did she die?

CLIENT: In June. We had that conversation. We met the Tuesday after the funeral.

THERAPIST: Oh. That's right. But yeah, this feeling of -

CLIENT: Yeah. That's alright.

THERAPIST: not being caught up.

CLIENT: No, that's alright. That's alright. You know, with her passing, you know, I feel like I'm ready to make the next move. And I don't know if I brought this up, but my cousin, my aunt's son, got married the Saturday we got back from vacation. And we couldn't meet on that Tuesday because I was working with my Dad. That wedding that happened -

THERAPIST: I remember you talked about it a lot.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So that was just last week?

CLIENT: That was two weeks ago.

THERAPIST: Okay. Because I haven't seen you in like three weeks.

CLIENT: I didn't attend.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: I did not attend. And coming back from the wedding all I got was negative feedback. Was how it was this, how this was bad, how they couldn't believe the outfits that they were wearing, they couldn't believe the food. They couldn't believe that my cousin got engaged to his girlfriend at the wedding. There was just a lot of negativity coming out of this. [00:40:41]

And that was one of the main reasons why I didn't want to attend. (sound like a burp) Excuse me. Because I do have a lot of anger towards, well not only my cousin's family, but I don't want to surround myself by the negative energy. And I think, you know, it was really enjoyable because my sisters and my brother were texting me. Telling me how, you know, how I made such a good move in not going and this that and the other thing.

But I was just at home just minding my own business. Went to bed very early. You know, got some sleep, got my rest, and woke up Sunday and had a great day. You know? But then going to work Monday and meeting with my mother and father in the morning before I went to work, you know, having to hear about everything. It was just very frustrating. [00:41:41]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know? Because that's what I've tried so hard to not do. And what I've worked so hard to overcome is the negativeness. And it's to the point now where I just block it out to the best of my ability. There are times where I just get frustrated and I'll just chime in. But there are other times where I just try zone out. I try to completely block it from even being a topic of discussion for me. And it's irritating.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It's really irritating. You know? Because I understand it was bad. I knew it was going to be bad from the get go because all you were talking about was how you didn't want to go, and how you hate my cousin and this that and the other thing. I know that. And I ask them the question. I go, "Why did you go? You didn't have to go. You didn't choose to go." [00:42:39]

You know, his brother, my cousin, just got married. His brother got engaged. I've already made it clear I'm not going to his brother's wedding. He hasn't even set a date yet, but I've already made it clear I'm not attending.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And for me the thought process behind it is the same as going into this wedding. You know? I just don't want to be hurt anymore and I don't want to support people that have hurt me.

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: And that's finally what my Dad's finally recognizing. I think he realizes the hurt that's been brought out. That's finally coming. You know, and it's to the point where, like we've discussed, where I don't care. You know? People ask me, "Why didn't you attend the wedding? Why aren't you going?" And I tell them, "I've got personal issues." You know? It's none of their business why I'm going or why I'm not going. I don't understand why it's a big deal. You know? [00:43:46]

I just feel like growing up nobody asked my grandmother why she didn't attend my birthdays or my brother's and my sisters' birthdays. Why all of a sudden do they care if I'm attending weddings or not?

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It's my personal choice. I don't need to explain myself to people. And that pisses me off. (laughs) That's when I get pissed off. When people start butting into to why I'm not doing things. Because that really irritates me.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And it pushes my buttons. It's to the point where that's when, you know, it's none of your business. And when they don't get the answer that they like, then they keep pushing.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And keep pushing. And that's difficult for me because then I get the frustration and then I get the buildup. And something extraordinarily bad is going to happen. And I know it is. [00:44:49]

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And that's why I avoid, you know, my uncle and my aunt and my cousins. Because I just have all this anger built up over the years towards them. And now my grandmother is not here to defend them.

THERAPIST: You know, Jordan, I don't mean to interrupt but we do need to stop for today.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: So I was going to ask you just, so I'm not here next week and we usually meet every other week.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: Would you be able to come the following week.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Just for the following week, on Thursday afternoon. Is that a possibility?

CLIENT: Thursday? Sure. What day is that?

THERAPIST: I think that's the thirtieth.

CLIENT: Perfect.

THERAPIST: I think I have, let's see, I don't have 3:15 but I'm pretty sure I have 3:45.

CLIENT: That works.

THERAPIST: Would 3:45 work?

CLIENT: Yeah, that works.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So the thirtieth and 3:45.

THERAPIST: The thirtieth at 3:45.

CLIENT: Terrific.

THERAPIST: Great. (pause) Oh, thank you very much.

CLIENT: Yep. That's for you.

THERAPIST: Very good. And I'll see you in two weeks.

CLIENT: Alrighty. Thank you. (ph).

THERAPIST: Okay. Take care.

END TRANSCRIPT