Client "C" Therapy Session Audio Recording, September 11, 2012: Client just got engaged and is anxious about setting the invite list. Client only wants people he likes at his wedding and feels this will alienate his parents and other family members. trial
TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Hi. Come on in.
CLIENT: Hi. Sorry.
THERAPIST: That's okay.
CLIENT: I don't think 3:30's are going to work for me. If we could do 3:45.
THERAPIST: Let me take a look.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: I'm not sure about how my schedule is.
CLIENT: Okay, that's fine.
THERAPIST: I'll take a look.
CLIENT: Sorry about that. I just, we had an issue at school today and I actually had to leave a meeting. So, well, yeah, I'm here. Everything's good. I had a really good weekend. This weekend I got engaged.
THERAPIST: Oh, congratulations.
CLIENT: Thank you. Thank you. I think it was a big step in my life because everything to do with the ring I did by myself. As far as the money goes. As far as picking it out. I mean I had my girlfriend, well, my fianc�'s, input on what she wanted, but I did everything by myself. It goes back to like when I told my parents that I purchased a ring and they got really upset because they wanted to be a part of it. They wanted to do everything and I told them no. It kind of pissed me off a little bit that they got upset. [00:01:30]
I mean they kept trying and trying and trying to stick their nose in and stick their hands in and I just kept them on the outside and it actually felt really good for myself to actually to do that. You know, it actually made me mad when they, they got mad because they wanted to be part of it and I wouldn't let them. I go it's fine. I kept explaining to them that this is my thing. This is my thing. I don't want you involved in it. I don't need your involvement. This is something that I want to do. If I didn't just go and do it by myself, behind their backs, it would have been the same thing. Well, let's do this. Let's do that. The process was actually a lot easier because I wasn't going through 500 other opinions. I just went through my opinion and hers, which actually made me less anxious, which was really good. This was a huge decision and I was able to make it on my own and I felt confident in it. [00:02:45]
For once I didn't ask for anybody's opinion on if I was doing the right thing or if they thought it was a good idea. I just did it because I know in my gut it's the right thing to do. So, I feel that that's really helped me to become the individual that I am starting to become now. Excuse me. Just being able to be more independent and to make a decision of this caliber on my own just really, for my own self, really boosted my confidence in myself to be able to make a decision like this. To be able to live with the decision that I've made because I have explored all of the options. I had all of the information in front of me and I was able to make my own decision and I think it truly was a big step for me. I know my girlfriend told me that it showed her that it was a big step in our relationship because that was the one thing she feared was my commitment and with me getting her an engagement ring, I think that solidified my commitment to her and our relationship which makes me feel really good. [00:04:00]
I still get very excited when I think about what happened over the weekend and how it happened and I'm still kind of living in a fairy tale myself. Every time I see her finger with the ring on it I'm just like is this real? Did this happen? You know, trying to play it in my mind. I'm just enjoying the experience going forward so far.
However, in the back of my mind is the experience of well, now, we have to create a guest list. I know for me personally there is a lot of people that my dad wants and my mother want that I don't want any part of in my life moving forward. One being my dad's sister and her family. I know this is going to be a real difficult topic and it's going to be really tough to talk with him about it, but I do feel strongly about not inviting her. I do feel very strongly about them not being a part of my life because it's just, it's not what I want. I still have a lot of anger towards the fact where they had nothing to do with me in the past and now all of a sudden I'm forced to put them in to another happy place and I'm just supposed to smile. I don't want to smile. I don't want to be in a fake happy place anymore. [00:05:30]
That gives me anxiety. That gets me excited. That gets me where I can feel the anger coming because I know this is going to be a huge issue that I'm going to have to face now. The reality is it's coming. I don't know when it's coming. Unfortunately, there's a lot of stuff in between that we have going on that's going to be really difficult. My, I have two cousins on my dad's side of the family that are getting married this year. One I am going to, which is my dad's brother's daughter and the other one I'm not attending which is my dad's aunt's son is getting married. Her other son is getting married. [00:06:30]
For me, and people don't understand why I'm thinking like this. I am not doing it to get back at anyone. I am not doing it just to, well, I kind of am doing it to prove a point that I don't like them. I don't want to be a part of anything that they're having. For some people, it's very difficult to understand that. The first time I see my family is probably going to be at Christmas time and that will be the first time since my other cousin's wedding that I didn't go to. I'm getting anxiety about that because I know the number one topic is not going to be about my engagement. It's going to be about where were you for the wedding and that's not what I want it to be about. I want it to be about my engagement and moving forward. [00:07:30]
It's very, very difficult for me right now. I'm planning in the head, but I'm also, I'm planning a future event, but I also don't, I know it's coming. This is one thing that I can't run away from. If I did run away from it, I would just seclude myself from all those family functions and I don't want to do that. There are just certain ones that I don't want to be a part of and it's very difficult. It's something that my dad doesn't understand. My mom just thinks it's a great idea because she has a lot of anger towards them and my brothers my and sisters are just kind of confused in my opinion. [00:08:30]
I think a lot of people, especially in my family, I keep hearing the rumblings about how they dislike my cousin. They dislike my aunt, but yet they're still going and supporting the behavior that they are doing even though they're supposedly upset. They're still supporting the behavior in my eyes by attending these family events. For me, the best way to not support the behavior is to not show up. Not support them. Not be a part of the family function and open the eyes of hopefully other people in my family that there is a problem. There is a major problem that's going on here. [00:09:30]
Like my mother said. Everybody keeps telling us to forget about the past. Well, that's fine. I'm willing to forget about the past, but now I'm moving forward and moving forward without them in my life is not the answer that they're looking for and that is where it's hard for me because nobody can understand why. Then they keep saying that well, you are living in the past because you have anger. No, I'm not. I am living in the future and the future is I don't want to be a part of them in any way. I don't want them to be a part of my life in any way. It's, I get myself worked up about it because I know it's coming.
THERAPIST: What's coming? [00:10:30]
CLIENT: I know all these questions are coming. All the well, why. My fianc� and I have talked about this. When we do sit down for the guest list, there are going to be some extreme battles that we're going to have to fight. I know she's, her and her mother's boyfriend do not get along at all. They don't even speak. She has mentioned that she doesn't want to invite him to the wedding. Well, I have the same issue with my dad and his sister. I don't want her at the wedding. We've talked about compromises where I'll tell my father I will only invite her because of you, but my choice is not to have her or any of her family and I'm not just going to seclude my cousin from being invited to my wedding. I'm going to exclude him, his brother and his sister. So, it's not like I'm just picking on him. [00:11:30]
I'm just, I'm going to do the bunch. Ultimately, I would like to just exclude everybody and just invite the people that I want. We've also talked about how we have money saved up where we can just do something small for ourselves. Here's another fear that came not only to me, but with my girlfriend and where the anxiety kicks in, she keeps reminding me the more people that put in money, the more say that they feel that they have. So, my tactic is to have my dad put in as little money as possible because I want to be able to control the situation with my fianc� and not him. If he does extend the offer to put in this amount of money, he's going to expect this many people to be that he wants to be invited and it's going to be really difficult. I mean I'm getting very anxious and overwhelmed with it now and we have not even started the process yet. [00:12:45]
THERAPIST: Yeah. That was one thing I was thinking. In getting to know you, you spend a lot of your mental space preparing for battle. So, one thing I wonder is the best use of your mental space?
CLIENT: Is it? No. But, I feel that growing up I've always prepared and been battled. Whether it's been battling my weight. Battling. You know, I feel like I've always been in a competition and this is just me. My family, I felt we were always competing against my dad's sister's family and everybody else. Everything else that goes on in my life now is a competition about who has this. Who has that? This one has that. Can I get this? [00:13:45]
I guess that is where the battling comes in is because I have always battled so many things that it's just been a part of my life every day since I can remember. That's what's troubling to me now that you say that because I feel like I have been in a battle my whole life. Some battles I've won. A lot of battles I've lost.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean one of the problems is and you know, in sort of tracing it back, which I completely understand that, back to your childhood and sort of bringing this with you in to your adult life is have they then won? If you are able, if you're internalizing that and continuing to do that, that itself is a losing battle.
CLIENT: No. Exactly. Exactly. That is what I am trying to work on. I'm trying to establish not being as hostile and not being as ready to fight. I guess that's probably just the environment that I was in. I mean I was always constantly in fights at school because of my weight. I was constantly getting in to trouble because I wanted to be the class clown and the funny guy and do all this other stuff. [00:15:00]
There was always things that I was doing to like act out. To try to, you know, instead of fight, fit in. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn't work. I just feel like I get myself so worked up because I can see it with my mom.
THERAPIST: You get yourself so worked up.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: You get, you spend, I can see the wheels spinning when you start in here. You get yourself so worked up and sometimes I comment or you sort of think of something and then something shifts and we actually talk about stuff and I can see you kind of coming down, but I've also seen the reverse where you get yourself really amped up.
CLIENT: Yes. Yes. And, that's, that's a trait that I said before that I see not only in myself. I see it in my mom and I see it in my older brother and I feel like I really have the trait because my mom and her sisters, they get the same way. I feel like it's a temper problem that I've inherited through genes and it's not what I want. It's not who I want to be because like we just talked about, I do stress over battling. I do stress over confrontations. [00:16:30]
Do I strive on confrontations? I don't. Until you said that, I didn't see that. Now, that you mentioned it, yes. I kind of feel like I do have a need to confront things. I do have a need to challenge things because I feel like that's what I've always done. That's what I like to do. I like to push buttons. I like to start new things. I like to be different in a way where I'm always everybody's for this, but I'm against it. I kind of like that being that odd person that's always constantly doing that. Now that everything's sinking in. Do I get a rush from it? I could not tell you. Do I get very enraged and angry about stuff? Absolutely. Do I like doing that? No. I do not like doing that and I feel that now we're kind of sort of saw a trigger was maybe it's the confrontations that gets me going. [00:18:00]
Whenever I'm getting ready or anything in my head just blows up in to like a battle, that is when the testosterone starts going and that's when I feel myself just getting all worked up and that could possibly be it. I mean like that incident with the rain. When I was coming in and it rained and I told you in the car that I just lost it. Perfect example. That was a battle. It was me against the rain getting to where I wanted to be and that's when I just completely went enraged and started cursing and doing all of that stuff and now it's processing. It's the confrontation that's starting the rage and what I want to work on is how do I prevent the confrontation from coming? How do I put confrontation at a minimal spot in my life? [00:19:00]
THERAPIST: Well, here's one thought I had. It's not a direct answer to the question you just posed, but see from my vantage point there's a lot of people who have given you a hard time in your life for sure.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: That's not debatable. I also wonder sometimes whether you see people posing you when, at the very least, maybe they're being neutral or you're missing opportunities when people are actually trying to facilitate and help.
CLIENT: But, from my perspective I don't see that. From my perspective I just see people being who they are. I just see who they become. I guess it's probably my fault because it's like that trust issue where if you screw me, it's very hard for me to accept them back in to that little area that I have of trust. For me, that's extremely difficult because once you do get out of that trust, I tend to not give you the time or the day. That's probably affecting most of my relationships because as we have talked in here most of the time I hate in my relationships is tending towards my family. It's tending towards things that have been done to me as opposed to what I have done to them. Honestly, I, I've done a lot of bad things. [00:20:30]
I can't say that I haven't. Can I remember them all? No, but for me, justifying it is all the bad things that were done to me in my head makes it okay. It kind of offsets what I have done bad even though at times I feel like I was treated a lot worse than how I treated them and that's where my anger comes in. Is where I feel like I've tried to be that person that's tried to have a clean slate and tried to move forward, but then another incident happens where it triggers that's why I effin' hate this person. That's why I effin' can't stand them and that's when shit hits the fan when I'm just like okay, I'll seclude myself from them and I won't see them. [00:21:30]
A perfect example was at the company. I worked there for two weeks and then they had an employee appreciation dinner. My aunt invited me so I went. I was like whatever, I'll do it. I'll go. Then, there's the question of I go there and everything else is like their family. They hadn't seen me all summer in their suit and their shirt with everybody else and I kind of feel like an outsider and I'm like okay. I'm like whatever and they're like oh, what are you doing here? I was like I was invited but if you want me to leave, I'll leave. No. No. Stuff hits the fan and you know leaving the company after that they're like well, you don't come visit. You don't do this leaving the company. I called my fianc� and I said to her, I go, that is exactly the reason why I don't want to see them when their company's open. When I am there and they are around their employees, I am that second class citizen. You know, you hadn't seen me in three months. You think you'd be excited to see me and it was the total opposite. I was very nervous even going there. I was like should I go? Should I not go? [00:23:00]
I finally said I'd go because my cousin just got engaged and I wanted to go and support her. Moving forward it was just like, it was a waste of my time. I felt like nothing came up out of it. I felt the same that I was. When I talked with my sister and my brothers about it, about how I don't like seeing them when the companys open, they're unbelievable when their company is closed. When their company they are two totally different people and I just don't like them. I really don't. I don't like the people that work at the company. I like the people that are my family when the company is closed.
THERAPIST: And how are they different?
CLIENT: Don't acknowledge me. They don't acknowledge me. I mean my aunt does, but my cousins and my uncle could care less. [00:24:00]
THERAPIST: And you feel they're different when the company is open?
CLIENT: They're different when the company's open. When the company is closed and they don't any stress or anything going on, they're the nicest most wonderful people alive. I want to be around them. I don't want to be around them when the company is open.
THERAPIST: Do you think it's that they're districted?
CLIENT: A lot. Yes. A lot. Yes. Early on, when they were going through the hardships of just being established and getting a lot of grief from their employees and taking it out on me and my brothers and my sisters I put in my head it's okay, it's because of their stress. There's a lot going on and they're just blowing off steam. Fine. Good. Great. I thought that was only the first couple of years, but as it continued progressively to get worse every year, that's when finally this year I finally saw that the light at the end of the tunnel that was like you can't be here anymore because mentally I just could not take it. Mentally I was breaking down. Part of my issue was going to the company where they surrounded me with bad people. [00:25:30]
they were stressed out, yelling at everybody else or getting yelled at by everybody else and they were yelling at me and the only way I could zone out was I joined the bad crowd. That's all.
THERAPIST: Was it a way to get, to feel like you had some control over the situation that seemed uncontrollable?
CLIENT: Yes. It was a way to get in to my own little world and get out of the real world and listen to the nonsense. It was a way where I could just zone out from it.
THERAPIST: This may seem like not at the moment.
CLIENT: What's that?
THERAPIST: Why don't we try a month where you come every week and see how things go? I really want to jumpstart things for you.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: I don't know if working helps you financially. I'm happy to think about doing something, adjusting for you. You said this week after week or bi-weekly after bi-weekly that you've got this anger inside that you need help with and you need to let it go in participating
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: You have other, more creative endeavors to pursue than that. And, I'm not saying that you don't pursue those endeavors, but yeah, I want to help you with that. [00:27:00]
CLIENT: Okay. Yeah. We can work that out. I mean we can start next week if you want.
THERAPIST: What do you think about it? What do think or suggest?
CLIENT: I think it's fine. I think it's fine. Now that I can do it, Tuesdays work for me. I mean I can do Tuesday's at 3:45 if that's possible.
THERAPIST: I'm pretty sure. I'll need to double check, but I'm pretty sure that 3:45 would work.
CLIENT: Because I'm in agreement with you. If I have to come every week, I'm more than willing to do it now that I have an income coming in. It's not a lot, it's under thirty grand, but it's still an income.
THERAPIST: Well, you can let me know if you need more of a reduction to afford it every week.
CLIENT: I mean I can do the hundred every two weeks. The two hundred every two weeks or I don't know what you want to, what you want to do for payment or whatever.
THERAPIST: Well, it's up to you. I mean if you could do a hundred a week, that's great. I know at some point I think you were paying me a little bit less when you were unemployed.
CLIENT: I can do, a hundred a week is fine. I can do the hundred a week. [00:28:00]
THERAPIST: You can do that?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Okay. And, you, I'll count on you to tell me if something changes.
CLIENT: Yes. Absolutely, because I do appreciate you being flexible with that. If it's alright I'll just pay every two weeks.
THERAPIST: Sure, that's fine.
CLIENT: Just because there's other stuff.
THERAPIST: Yeah, that's not a problem.
CLIENT: Okay. Yeah. You know, moving forward I do, I do want to be able to control the anger and like you just mentioned I don't feel like I can do it every other week. I think there's just a lot of stuff going on where I need to be more on top of it. More controlling the getting ready for battle. Like I mentioned before, I feel a lot of my battle started when I was younger. Pretty much everything I've done has been a battle. I mean constantly, right now, I'm battling my weight. I'm battling my addictions. I'm battling juggling my life as opposed to where I want it to where other people think I should be. I'm battling who I am as a person. I want to be this guy, but I'm here now. How do I get to be that guy? I'm battling my family. I hate this person because of this. [00:29:30]
I'm battling them because I hate them because of this. How do I fix this? How do I get out of that? Part of me feels it's going to be extremely difficult because year after year, day after day, being around my mother with all the negativity and the anger that I was surrounded by has kind of engraved in my head the battle that I am fighting. I am still, I am getting ready for it. Everything that I base my decisions on is the confrontations. A perfect example was the ring. I bought the ring without their knowledge and without them being involved. Boom, there was a fight. [00:30:30]
Instead of saying oh, that's awesome, that was beautiful, well, why didn't you let us get involved in it? We wanted to be a part of it. Your father wanted to give you money for it.
THERAPIST: Well, it's very tough when inactive independence is seen as hostile.
CLIENT: Yes. Extremely. When I moved back in with my girlfriend I knew I was never going back home. I knew there was no way that I could live there because when I left I thought it's what I wanted and after being a part of it and seeing everything it really turned me off. It really pointed me in the other direction to go back home to where I am now because that's what I want. That's where I want to be. That's the home environment that I like. That's the home environment that I've always been looking for and never got. Everything is not constantly yelling or screaming or battling. [00:31:30]
I see it when I go and visit my parents. They watch television or they do something and my brother or my mother starts going and I just roll my eyes and I get irritated because it bothers me because I don't want to hear it. It's the same old song and dance when you've heard it forever and ever. It's getting irritating to me. It's not what I want. It bothers me a lot. It frustrates me because like I mentioned usually I tune people out. They are the hardest group of people to tune out and that's what I struggle with.
THERAPIST: Well, it's hard to tune people out when they're already in.
CLIENT: Exactly. They're already in. They're in there. I have my probably has layers in there on the closest layer that it is. Even if they do get plucked out of one area, they're still very, very close. Or whatever I do they come back in and that's very difficult for me because how do I tell my mother and my father? I felt like I took the right step in doing something on my own and making a decision on my own that I could be praised or whatever and then after they go on their rant then they talk about how beautiful it is and how happy they are. [00:33:10]
THERAPIST: So, they were able to come around eventually?
CLIENT: After a while, but that's how I was before treatment. I would get enraged, go off and then retrace my steps after. Now I see it. They go off. They get mad and then after they have time to digest it, then they process what's going on and how nice of a situation it is. It's just I see where I get it from. Where I got it from and am still getting it from. It's just that repetition that's constantly been in my life that's just frustrated the hell out of me. It still frustrates me because every time I feel like I'm going two steps forward, there's always that extra third step that I'm taking back I feel like when I'm over there. [00:34:10]
When I'm around them and the best thing that's ever come in to my life is my fianc� because she is the one who has been able to keep pulling me forward. Who's been that support system in a positive way as opposed to okay, we'll degrade it first or criticize it first and then come back with the positives. Like I used to do. It's tough. It's a huge lifestyle change that I'm coming through when I'm being praised instead of confronted and that's where I think the battling part comes in. Whenever I say something, I'm always preparing myself to defend my decision and with her, there's no, not much defending anymore. I've opened up to her a lot where it's more active communication. It's like a baby. I'm slowly being able to walk now. [00:35:30]
THERAPIST: That's an interesting analogy.
CLIENT: You know. I'm slowly becoming able to walk because I am moving forward. It's something that I'm not used to yet.
THERAPIST: Well, Chris, we are going to need to stop.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: So, I will, let's say 3:45 and if for some reason I don't have that correct and I can't do, I will e-mail you.
CLIENT: Perfect.
THERAPIST: Congratulations.
CLIENT: Thank you.
THERAPIST: Thank you very much. I'll see you next week.
CLIENT: Thank you.
THERAPIST: Take care.
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