TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So in theory I should be going back to work on February 1st.

THERAPIST: Which is a Friday?

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: Next Friday.

CLIENT: Yep and then Monday, Wednesday, Friday for at least a month. I suspect two months but at least a month. So working three days...

THERAPIST: Monday, Wednesday, Friday? Okay, good.

CLIENT: And I'm super stressed and worried about it. Part of it is (pause)...so I asked the disability staff coordinator person and I e-mailed her a question on Thursday and she hasn't replied. And I know there was a holiday on Monday, blah blah blah. Then I called...the big thing...one of the questions I needed answered was who the hell is my [personnel officer] (ph). I don't know who's responsible for me in human resources. [00:01:38]

THERAPIST: Okay, first known as HR.

CLIENT: HR, yes sorry. On one of the forms it's like "Who's your agent? Who's your HR person?" I have no idea! And I called (inaudible) HR and left a message and they haven't called back. And then I tried calling benefits (pause) and they said, "No, you have to call HR, (inaudible)." (pause) So I feel like a (inaudible). (pause) Like in filling out the information form, just sort of sitting there and being like, "Wow, I don't know who this person is." And it feels like it should be a pretty quick answer. (pause) But no. [00:02:29]

And the other part that I sort of had a deeper question about, which I hope I find out soon, is (pause) on the form there are three lines that says "This only stands (inaudible)" and "Request for accommodation" and colon, three blank lines. And I actually don't know what to write down. Do I write down like I need a really big chair? Or do I say I have problems with my back or hip? (pause) And there's the helpful information sheet that comes with it just describes what disabilities are. [00:03:21]

THERAPIST: Would your PT (pause) have thoughts (ph)?

CLIENT: No, mostly because it is impartially a Cambridge form. So I asked her what would be some accommodations and she told me...my sort of question on the form is do I write out the accommodations that I need or do I tell you about the injury? Do you see what I mean?

THERAPIST: Yes, so (pause) you have a fairly clear idea both about the injury and the accommodations, you're just not sure how to...what to put on the form?

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Ok, I misunderstood.

CLIENT: I sort of feel like I've been putting off...I was going to work on the form over the weekend and I was like, "Nah." So I sat down this morning and so just to fill it in I was like I don't know who my HR person is, great. Okay, and then this accommodations line. [00:04:43]

THERAPIST: You're probably supposed to talk to your HR person about that.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I e-mailed the disabilities person on Thursday saying, "What do I put in this section?" And then I called the office that deals with it and I'm just sort of like, "Guys, I don't know."

THERAPIST: Yeah, and this must be adding to your anxiety and stress about going back.

CLIENT: Yes. (pause) Because I feel like...and this is partially from the last time I went back where HR was kind of...my HR representative was annoyed that I was causing her paperwork and that I wasn't filling in the paperwork correctly even though she wouldn't tell me what it was or how to fill it out. Then at one point where she was like, "You're not allowed to come into this building until you have a doctor's note, so you have to leave immediately." I'm like okay but you never told me that or anybody who works for me so... [00:05:52]

So I'm very much feeling worried there's some form that I won't fill out correctly or something and that that will cause problems. It's also really occurred to me that they haven't given me all of my back pay yet. And that's probably something I have to find out through my HR officer. (pause) And there's no longer...I mean there used to be a finance office but that doesn't exist anymore. So (pause) I guess part of it is also that there someone in my building who's been working there forever. She's kind of like the person who knows everything. And she knew all of the people to call to find out where's your payroll, blah blah blah. But they dissolved those departments, a lot of them. So she doesn't know who to call anymore, which stresses her out and I'm like, "But you're the person who knows..." So that's (pause)...I don't know, so there's like the kind of structural paperwork fill out parts. [00:07:25]

But I'm also worried (pause)...I feel kind of bad asking friends for a ride to work. (pause) I was thinking about if I want to score a ride home except that leaving at this time of day...I mean, great God.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And like when I take the bus (inaudible). So I'm kind of like....that's not too bad. (pause) So I'm worried about that. And (pause) getting up earlier because I had just been like, "Whatever, I'll sleep." And I may always know it but given my preference of falling asleep about 1:00 or 2:00 am so then I need eight hours of sleep. So that doesn't work very well and I just find it super difficult to...like 10:00 is hard. I normally do like 11:00pm-ish. So those are just like difficult. [00:09:02]

(pause) And I'm also worried about, I don't know, just going back and (pause) people acting weird (pause) because originally I thought I was only out for six weeks, I just didn't really say anything to anyone particularly. I told people, "Oh, I'm just going to be out for a couple weeks, like this intensive thing in and out."

THERAPIST: How long has it been now?

CLIENT: (pause) Two and a half months. (pause) Yeah, so...12 weeks. It's a little longer, kind of. (pause) And I just (pause)...when I came back from having thyroid surgery I had the experience of walking into the building and everybody was like, "Hello, hello, hello!" asking the same questions and then saying, "P.S. these (inaudible) are broken." And I was like, "Guys, no. That's not what I want to do." [00:10:28]

I'm also kind of debating getting (pause) a brightly colored assistive cane, not because I need it, just to kind of (inaudible) to people. Hey, someone might be having some problems. (pause) It's also a lot easier than saying, "I have arthritis in my hip. Yep, I'm kind of young for that." (pause) And then also people I don't talk to, it's like... (sigh) I don't know. I did that one time when I had to wear crutches as an adult. I padded them with hot pink material and kind of wrapped it around the sides so that you couldn't miss them which really helps even though it's kind of ridiculous. That's basically how I feel right now. I'm just, (sigh). I just want a big sign. [00:11:45]

I'm also worried about (pause) what kind of near ridiculousness is happening at work. I know all of our jobs are still moving targets so part of me is like I wonder what I'm going to be actually doing at work. (pause) And I can't sit down at a desk for more than an hour, so (pause) that's going to be a little difficult.

THERAPIST: How much time...like after an hour, how much time do you need up and around?

CLIENT: It kind of depends. Ideally (pause)...so like after we meet, the sort of the process of walking to the bus stop and pacing a little bit there is enough. It's like ten minutes. But Thursday and Friday I went out with friends and (pause) at the end of I think three hours because I was kind of like three hours-ness. (inaudible) max of hanging out with people. It was horrible. It took... [00:13:19]

THERAPIST: You had been sitting down the whole time?

CLIENT: Yeah, we went to a restaurant and then on Friday we actually had the worst situation possible which I didn't realize was those tall bar stools because your legs just hang.

THERAPIST: I see. Your legs aren't supported.

CLIENT: Yeah, so I need like a foot rest to help keep my torso straight and also then I can...both of my knees a little hyperextend, so that can happen too. So after doing that two days running I pretty much canceled on everything else for the weekend.

THERAPIST: Wow!

CLIENT: Part of it I was just exhausted. Like the pain went away, you know, within maybe four hours. But the exhaustion was just so (pause) crazy. I really felt like I had run...not like I had run a marathon but like, "Wow this has been a really hard week of...okay, two days sitting still." I don't know, I feel like...that's kind of how I felt like at the end of moving. I'm just like...oh my God it was horrible. [00:14:51]

THERAPIST: And was it (pause) entirely or mostly due to the physical pain and distress as opposed to the social?

CLIENT: Yeah, Friday ended up (pause)...the bar stools are so painful that I just sort of couldn't do anything. I was just like, "Ouch, ouch, ouch!" And I tried to get up at one point to walk around and almost fell down so then...

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Yeah, my leg just wouldn't hold up and so what I should have done that the physical therapist said was basically gotten up every half hour or spent half the time standing and moving around. But I didn't. (pause) But yeah it was really just physical exhaustion. [00:15:57]

(pause) Although today has been (pause)...so my landlord Ted has decided even though we have no snow really, it seemed like he had some idea about being randomly doing things like he feels would make him a good landlord. He also seems to be tending to pit the first floor people against us which is weird (pause) because we can just talk to each other. But he went out at like, I don't know, like 11:00 and scraped the sidewalks (pause) of what little dusting there was and scraped every scrap of it off like the steps, the walk, and the sidewalk which is a really grating and annoying noise and also just made me (pause)...it was like, "You're here. You're here. You're here. You're here." And then when I went back to the routine for physical therapy, his truck was still parked here so I (inaudible) creepy but I don't know. And I really....like that is just (pause)...So our plans are to give him notice (pause) February 1st that we're moving out. So I'm really scared of that. [00:17:52]

THERAPIST: About giving him notice?

CLIENT: That he's going to flip out, yeah. (pause) The other thing that we're also going to inform him is that (pause) on our lease he signed that the deposited our security deposit in an account but didn't fill in any information about it (inaudible) interest, which at this point is $350, something like that. So do we just automatically get to sue for triple damages?

THERAPIST: [Because it's not with him?] (ph)

CLIENT: Well I mean he signed a fraudulent receipt because he didn't put it in an Escrow account. And also there was like...a) he signs a thing claiming that (inaudible) but it wasn't and b) that that money is really in that Escrow account. (pause) So, I sort of see...it's kind of surprising to find out that he actually signed that part of the form. Our lease is a very standard rental form. And it's (inaudible) pages. It's very standard. And so I'm also surprised that he signed it. I would think he would just leave it blank because he didn't fill in the bank information (pause) but he did sign that he had done it. [00:19:31]

THERAPIST: Right, so if you're not going to fill the stuff in why actually sign the form? (inaudible)

CLIENT: Right, because if he hadn't signed it, it would be a lot harder to prove anything.

THERAPIST: I see, so triple damages is like three times the interest or three times the principal?

CLIENT: Three times the principal plus interest.

THERAPIST: Oh, wow! (chuckle)

CLIENT: So it's going to be somewhere around 5000 dollars, which he probably doesn't have but... (pause) even just giving this (ph) back is nice. It costs $190 to file so we'd get back $350 so you know, we still make money out of it.

THERAPIST: Do you have to deal with that [when you notice] (ph) as opposed to when you're gone?

CLIENT: I don't know. (pause) I need to talk to Ashby about that because I would really rather give that information after. Initially we were going to ask to apply it as February's rent but actually it's illegal to do that so we're not (inaudible) and then peace out. But (pause) yeah it's all so hard because Ashby is very much wanting to punish him because she feels very personally hurt (pause) and I'm (pause)...I guess I'm fine with just suing for triple damages on our deposit but I'm also kind of like...a little bit of me is like, "Eh, he doesn't have the money. Like, what are we going to get out of this?" I'd be impressed if we got the interest. (pause) I don't know. If it's kind of like...I started packing things now and she's like, "Yeah, I'm going to pack up the last week," which is fine. And she's like, "Oh yeah, we don't have to leave it even room tidy because he didn't give us a statement of conditions so we can just say, ‘Nope, this is what it looked like when we got here. Bye.'" And so she's like...I know she's joking but she's like, "Yeah, we'll just burn the house when we leave," or whatever. I'm like, "It's cool that we don't have to clean it but I'm concerned that you're going to scrawl on the wall or something." [00:22:40]

THERAPIST: Right.

(pause)

CLIENT: It's like when she yells at people (pause) like if we're standing at the bus stop or she's doing, [we used to] (ph) do that stuff together. And she also yells at religious people.

THERAPIST: When they're (inaudible) or...?

CLIENT: Nope, anytime she sees them. She will either trip them or yell at them.

THERAPIST: Oh my God! (chuckle)

CLIENT: Yeah it's hard. It's like, "That's really crazy. The guy who molested you was religious and you use that as a way to kind of skip prosecution."

THERAPIST: Oh I see. Wait, what?

CLIENT: Not prosecution. So he... (sigh) so she didn't tell her parents at first because she was really freaked out.

THERAPIST: How old was she?

CLIENT: Like 15. Actually I think it was pre-high school so I think it was 12. And so her parents found out by overhearing a phone conversation she had with her friend. So part of their response was she wasn't allowed to talk on the phone unsupervised. They were like, "We don't want you..." They were worried there were other things that they didn't know about so their response was kind of to keep her on lockdown. She had to come home directly after school, she had to okay going out with her friends, and she felt super punished because... [00:24:23]

THERAPIST: For being abused?

CLIENT: Yeah, and her friends (pause)...

THERAPIST: Was this sexual abuse?

CLIENT: Yeah, I don't know if it was more than once. So a bunch of our former friends, including the daughter [of the guy who beats her] (ph), started doing things like egging their house and writing graffiti and various other things...because they thought that Ashby was lying. It was kind of like, "You're lying (inaudible) big whore," basically. Like, "You're lying but even if you weren't lying you obviously seduced my dad and besides, you're a horrible person."

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Yeah, it was a lot. (pause) So (pause) her parents didn't really know what to do and the church were like, "Oh no, we all have our ways internally of dealing with this and we will totally make sure that he makes amends," and then he didn't and never...So I can never really...I feel bad for even guilt (ph) trip moments because I'm like, "Yeah, I feel you. I understand. (inaudible) if you could minimize it (inaudible)." [00:25:56]

(pause)

But yeah, I kind of fear...I fear her (inaudible) explosive temper.

THERAPIST: I imagine you are feeling anxious as all hell between going back to work, telling your landlord that you're moving out, trying to...

CLIENT: Find a new place.

THERAPIST: Find a new place, suing him for damages, and dealing with Ashby's temper and tendency towards confrontation with him. Yeah.

CLIENT: Yeah. It's very...I'm very anxious and just scared a lot. I did talk to Ashby about my fear, like how him just being present on the property made me really scared and I didn't (pause)...I always checked to see if his truck is there before I did my laundry. So she was like, "I think he's more mad at me because I'm the one who's written all the letters. So I think he is more focused on ‘Ashby is the bad roommate.'" Which (pause) ok, but I'm still really scared of walking to the basement now and him being there. (pause) And I don't think (inaudible) soften that. I mean, (inaudible) because it's his property. [00:27:55]

(pause)

THERAPIST: Yeah, you can't control that. You can't know what he's going to do. You can't control a lot of what's going to happen at work what your responsibilities are, how people are about your disability stuff, the administrative stuff you're waiting for. (inaudible) pretty helpless.

CLIENT: (sigh) Yeah, I started packing all my books so I could feel productive which I'm almost done with. Unfortunately doing that also meant I couldn't do sewing which is my other de-stressing activity. But so I'm like, "Okay, my books are almost packed. Shit. Now there's everything else." And that's a little (pause) overwhelming. Like, I have a lot of stuff. I know that, but boxing it all up is always (pause)...whenever I box up all my books I'm like, "Wow! That's a lot of fucking books." (laughter) You know? (pause) And I'm super sensitive about people commenting about me having a lot of stuff. My mom did that a lot, (pause) so...and it's hard but I'm like I know you're just...I get that they're just going to be like, "Oh, that's a lot of stuff." But it's not what I hear. [00:29:53]

So there's that. (pause) And Ashby's been joking about making me...or she's going have me throw out a whole bunch of stuff. I'm like, "Don't....we can't do that. I know you like throwing things out." (sigh) And I'm also...my other fear is that (pause) I'm not going to be able to pack everything (pause) and there are some things that anybody could do but there are a lot of things where I'm like, "I need to sort out my winter and fall clothes and put them in appropriate boxes," or whatever that is more difficult. (pause) I mean I've been thinking of asking someone I know, does he know anyone who could use some cash under the table and have them help me do...actually probably washing all the clothes before they go in boxes because it just freaks me out so much. [00:31:20]

(pause)

But, yeah I notice myself getting kind of really focusing on the minor details of moving like the, "Oh, do I have good labels on my boxes?" or "How should I best arrange things once they've been packed?" And doing that as opposed to thinking about work, thinking about things...actually I missed the first meeting and assignment of my online class because I've just been so (pause) sick, in a tizzy, and worried. Whatever. And I think we'll be fine.

THERAPIST: There's going to be a lot over the next month. [00:32:16]

CLIENT: Yeah! I also suspect there will be a lot of use of evening use of Valium to calm down. And more Perc (ph) because also, as I discovered, Valium makes the muscles relax, or at least makes my muscles relax at any rate.

THERAPIST: So it helps physically too?

CLIENT: Yes. I guess part of the pain is just the muscles being tense sometimes and so (pause) somebody I know had a lot of chronic pain in her legs and one of her shoulders was like, "Try taking Valium and putting a heat pack on the affected joints and just lying still for an hour." I was like, "Oh, that's really amazing," because I'd just been lying there in pain for two hours previously. [00:33:17]

THERAPIST: Oh yeah, made a big difference.

CLIENT: Yeah, it was weird and then I also, which is totally fine, I was like, "Oh, I guess when you relax, you relax and then...okay." But yeah, for anybody who's not... (pause) when I start to think about all the stuff it just becomes really (pause)...like I have (inaudible) forget things because (inaudible) a lot of stuff that I don't want to do.

(pause)

It might be that I don't want to do it because it's also a lot of stuff I'm not sure I'll be able to do all of it. Like, I don't know. In terms of will I be too tired out? Will I be too busy doing 40 bazillion other things? I don't know.

(silence from 00:34:30 to 00:35:08)

The other thing I've also been thinking about, both with (inaudible) and work is, one of the things about going to Cambridge was discovering that I have terrible study habits because I (inaudible). I could just reread the book the day before, whatever. And so, still have it. And (inaudible) because my (inaudible) wasn't really needed more of that.

THERAPIST: Did you change that in college to get through?

CLIENT: It did. It was mostly, like part one was you can't do everything the night before. (laughter) Part two, start your reading earlier. (pause) I changed them but (pause) I think I realized that sort of my habit or whatever is still to start it the night before or two days before which is not (pause) helpful. And also (inaudible) homework, her reading is like sit down for four hours straight working on a paper and I really can't do that. (pause) And I'm aware that I could do other things like work on (inaudible) but... [00:37:05]

THERAPIST: In the end I would actually start to use dictation (ph) software.

CLIENT: If it's not in my hands really.

THERAPIST: Right, I'm just thinking it might be easier to do that standing up.

CLIENT: Oh! That's a good point. (pause) I have a friend who used to (inaudible) dictate, mostly because her hands and arms are really screwed up. So it's (inaudible). (pause) So, yeah. (pause) Also, I need to talk to my doctor about better pain management which I don't feel like doing but... [00:38:07]

THERAPIST: [What does that mean?] (ph)

CLIENT: So, (pause) I'm in (pause), you know, pain probably three or four days out of the week, like significant pain that it's distracting. (inaudible) isn't helping. And...

THERAPIST: All day? Most of the day?

CLIENT: It can be for hours. It kind of depends on what happened. (pause) Like today (inaudible) was stooping today for a while reading books. It was like hours that night and hours the next morning when I woke up and I was just like, "Oh God, I can't move." And that was most of the day just being like, "Ow! Ow! Ow!" And so like right now my leg hurts. So I should talk to my doctor about that. (pause) I always have a fear of being labeled as engaging in drug seeking behavior (pause) and I don't know. (pause) Let me rephrase that, I do know. My mom never takes pain killers and thinks everyone who uses pain killers are wimps.

THERAPIST: Not true. [00:39:52]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: But I understand.

CLIENT: Yes. And at Christmas there was actually...we were trying to get them (ph) to work and my parents and my brother were teasing me about the dentist who I love who does sedation dentistry, and how it was so ridiculous that I needed...like I was doing this whole...it took me like, "Somebody has to pick me up," and blah blah blah. And I was kind of like, "Yes, yes. I guess it is a little silly." On the other hand, it really hurts! And he's really nice and then my face doesn't hurt.

THERAPIST: Do whatever works for you. (chuckle)

CLIENT: I know. I love it. I think I've recommended the most patients. (laughter) They gave me a coupon because I recommended...

THERAPIST: Oh really?

CLIENT: Yes. They have commented to me recently that I've recommended the most patients. [00:40:53]

THERAPIST: That's funny. Good! (pause) I know someone who had pain, mostly arthritis, who had a pretty good experience at a pain clinic at the VI (ph). I don't know if that's feasible at all but I figured I'd...

CLIENT: Yeah, I mean, that's what I need to do, is get a...I don't know if (inaudible) has an in house pain clinic but if not just get a referral. (pause) I'm just worried about it. (pause) I don't know, I guess when (pause) asking for a prescription of pain medication (pause) (inaudible) pain is subjective, blah blah blah so I end up feeling like, "Well maybe I shouldn't be in this much pain or maybe I'm assessing it...where am I really on the sad face to friendly face scale?" etc. [00:42:11]

THERAPIST: Right, there's your mother...I remember you saying like, "There is no such thing as pain."

CLIENT: Yeah, and, "You'll get addicted."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

(pause)

[I can believe] (ph) why it's so hard to...not that it doesn't but it is pain! And this does hurt! And it does make a huge difference in your life! You'd feel so much better after treatment for it, and that's fine.

CLIENT: Yeah, (inaudible) or he was kind of a jerk to myself and he just walked on it for almost two days. So, (pause) it's not surprising that I'm being a little stubborn about it but...yeah. I may enlist some of my friends who have pain issues to just knock (ph) me periodically (chuckle) because I just don't see it happening.

THERAPIST: We've got to stop for now.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: But we'll talk more next time.

CLIENT: Alright. [00:43:32]

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