TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: Hi, come on in, I'm just going to grab some water.

CLIENT: Hi.

THERAPIST: Hi.

CLIENT: Well I'm just, this last week, I've just been really frustrated, just going over wedding stuff with my parents, and I finally got a list from them regarding who they want. My father, you know, put his sister and his family down and I told him pretty much that it's non-negotiable, my cousin is not invited, and he just doesn't understand that. He's trying to make his point where it's non-negotiable, like you're inviting him, he's coming to the wedding, and I told him no he's not. I think my pushback was, there's no negotiating, he's definitely he's not coming. As far as like his siblings, whatever, I told him they were coming, they're not coming either, and then the same for his sister. I said she's coming. I mean to be honest with you, I don't want them there. I just have a lot of anger. I don't know what it is, but I don't want to associate with them. I want that part of my life gone, I want to move on from it. And he just doesn't understand. He puts on like a pout, like why are you doing this to me, I don't know where you're coming from, why are you thinking like this? You know, he just, he doesn't see he just doesn't see the big picture, and I think that's where a lot of my anger and frustration is coming from, is because he's still the person going, like everybody else, like put it behind you and move on. Of all the people, you think he'd know how we were feeling, how we're pleading that we just don't care for them, I don't like them. And it's just very frustrating because I'm in a sense where I'm just like, well that's fine, five people are going to jeopardize my wedding because now I don't want them. Now I'd rather just elope and do nothing, and not let them get to celebrate, and I told him that, and I go, "This is what it's going to come down to." And in my heart, I don't want that. I want to be able to celebrate with them, but with people that I want to celebrate with. [00:03:34]

And it's very difficult with my mother, who just has all this anger towards my aunt and her family, to the point where she is just screaming, and my father is like, I can't reason with you, and I'm like no kidding. I go, "But it's going to be very hard reasoning with me too." He just doesn't want to hear my side, he doesn't, and that's what really, really pisses me off. It's to the point now where I'm like, I don't know what to do. Someone is going to get hurt in this and unfortunately, my thinking is I'd rather it be him than me, because obviously, he let me be hurt, he allowed me to be hurt. My feeling is well, now you've got a taste of what it's like. Now you get a sense of what I've been going through, of how being left out really does hurt, how not being part of a family really hurts. It's just something that I've been struggling with all weekend and the beginning of this week. I haven't told him this but I've told my fianc�, I go, "The hardest part now is now I just, I need comfort and the craving is creeping in the back of my mind, just because the stress is so unbearable." It's just very, very stressful and unfortunately, I anticipated it being like this. I knew it was coming, I tried to mentally prepare myself for it, and now that it's here, it's even more difficult. I feel myself fighting off going and buying a can all the time, every time I pass a gas station. I feel, you know, just going and buying and smoking and just comforting that way. The one thing I'm not craving is alcohol, but I am craving the drug. I'm not craving the heroin any more, I'm not craving the pills, but I am craving that high, I really am, and it's just (sighs) it's just to the point where I feel like I'm that I'm going to have a breakdown again, and I know I am. I just feel like my brain is on mental overdrive and that some of these situations just are going to they're not ever going to be resolved within the near future and that's difficult for me. It's really difficult, because here I am, again, sacrificing what I want for his happiness, for him to get what he wants, but in reality is, he's not getting what he wants. I'm sacrificing what I want and sacrificing what he wants, so it's a losing situation. And it's very difficult because I feel very strongly about it and it's what's been bothering me. He's just not even seeing my side of it and unfortunately, it's hurting our relationship. He just, the other day, he just stopped talking to me. He's getting really upset that this is becoming a huge issue. You know, the fact of the matter is, it's been building up for so long and it's been hidden under rugs and carpets and whatever for so long, that unfortunately, now that cover is starting to lift up and everything is coming out at once. And it kind of is like a hurricane, if you want to call it that, but it's to the point where he's still not listening to me. I feel like I'm still not communicating with him and that's what's really pissing me off, is I feel like there's no negotiating, there's no this, there's no that. And I told him, I want to talk to my aunt and uncle. "No, you can't do that, why would you want to do that, why are you going to stir the pot?" Then, then you talk to them. You explain to them why they're not coming, because if you won't let me do it, you've got to do it. You're going to have to answer it some day. And that's... it's what I'm just frustrated with beyond being frustrated, is every time I try to have a conversation, it just gets pushed down and he just ignores me, he shuts down, because he doesn't want to hear it. He doesn't want to process how I'm feeling. [00:09:13]

And my mother, I'm not going to lie, she's no help. She just, as soon as you mention it, she snaps (snaps his fingers) and even I find myself not wanting to be around her, because it's very annoying, it's very aggressive, and it's very hurtful, you know? But, I'd like to talk to my father, but every time I try to... And I do force it on him a lot, I bring it up a lot, because I want him to have a conversation about it, and he won't. He just doesn't understand why I won't invite them. He pretty much tells me you have to do it, and he keeps telling me that, "You have to invite your family." I said, "I don't have to do anything." I don't have to do anything. And that's the frustrating part, is this is what I was told my whole life, I have to do this. This is what you have to do. Why? I don't want to do it. "I don't care, you have to do it." You have to go put on a smiley face and act like everything is OK. You have to go to your grandmother's birthday even though you don't want to go. You have to go to your aunt's house and hang out with the family. You have to do this, you have to do that. Well now, I don't have to do anything and I think the not having to do it, where my attitude is forget it, I don't care any more, because now I'm my own person, it's really difficult for him to accept. Like I said, I told him yeah, too, we have a family function that I'm not attending, because I have to go to a wedding. And he just so wants to show off the engagement of us. He wants to show off, my fianc�'s ring. He wants to just brag, but here I am, not giving him that opportunity, because everything that's coming on, I'm not attending, I'm not there. And it hurts him because people keep asking where I am, what's going on, and he feels he's in a difficult situation because I'm not there. I'm not there to celebrate it, because I have other things going on, and to be honest with you, I kind of like the fact that I'm not there, because I don't want this attention. I don't want to see the people that I don't want to see. Does he know that? No. Well, he does because I've made it clear that I don't like them and that I'm going to ignore them. And I think the worst part of it was I told him, as I mentioned in here, as of June, when my grandmother passed, I go his sister and her family are dead to me. I told him that and I could kind of see the tears coming in his eyes a little bit, but he needs to know how I feel. He needs to know the hurt that's been caused and he needs to know why that's one of the major reasons why they're not invited. And as I was saying to my girlfriend, my fianc�, whatever, the other day is, the hardest thing of communicating with my dad, the biggest thing that really drives me bananas, is the fact that he still will not stand up for himself. He's still constantly getting bullied by my aunt, by my uncle, by that family. Everything that's going on, I feel they're taking advantage of him, and he knows it but he's letting it happen. He's continuing to let it happen and that's one thing I can't stand for. I can't stand for it any more because before, I was the one who was letting it happen. I was the one who was letting them dictate to me what was going on, what I was going to do, and now I'm not doing that, I'm not, and it's frustrating, especially for him because now there's some... (sighs) There's rebellious, I'm being rebellious all of a sudden. Why all of a sudden now, after this amount of time, is it bothering me? Because I said to my mother, I told her I'd wait until my grandmother passed, and now my grandmother passed, and now I'm not holding anything back. I'm not holding anything back and for me, it just makes me feel better when I'm not around them, when I don't associate with people I don't like. I even told them, I don't associate with my mother's sister and her family when that company opened, because I don't like those people. There's a reason why, from March until September, I don't talk to my aunt and uncle when the company's open, or go visit them. I can't go back there, I have too many bad memories. I have too much anger towards the place. I can't do it. I can't, and it's extremely frustrating. [00:14:47]

What's frustrating also, is the fact that I can't talk to my mother about it, because every time I talk to her about it, she just starts yelling and screaming about her anger issues and what's bothering her. And then once again, it's that support that I'm just looking for. I don't feel like I really have it, especially emotionally. Growing up, my parents weren't really the lovey-dovey, like if something was bothering me, let me hold you and comfort you in my arms and let you cry in my arms. It was more of, well what can I get you to make you better. What do you want that will make you better? And it was more materialistic, more food, or money, monetary. It was never a hug or you know, just a kiss or a cuddle or anything like that. I just, I really feel that that's what my relationship with my parents really lacks, is that emotional piece; the emotional piece of just being loved unconditionally. Do they love me? Yes, I believe they love me. Unconditionally? To be determined, it's to be determined, because every emotional obstacle that I've had to see myself go through and needed support going through, I've never been emotionally supported. I've always had to find my emotions by myself. I've always kind of felt like a loner with that. Even with my issues, I never you know, they tell me they were proud of me and this, that and other thing, but emotionally, when I needed them the most, I felt like I was abandoned, and that's extremely difficult, is because now I'm feeling the same thing right now, because I still am feeling abandoned emotionally. I'm feeling like they just, they don't care about how I feel. They don't care about what's really bothering me. They just care about how they're going to get their way and how they're going to feel. All of a sudden it's not about my feelings any more. Again, it's about their feelings. Why do you have to hurt us? What did we do to deserve this? And then they reverse it again, and put it back on them, when they don't even see what they're doing to my feelings or what they're doing to my emotions or my state of mind. [00:18:03]

To me, that is the most frustrating, is because I feel if I sit down and talk to them about it, the both of them just shut off, that connection is missing. It's missing because my mother lets her emotions get the best of her in terms of her just yelling and screaming about my aunt, and my dad just goes silent and ignores, because he just doesn't want to pursue the issues because they are too emotional. And that's where I'm at a standstill.

THERAPIST: So in the midst of all this, I wanted to address what you e-mailed me, because it sounds like you're feeling very frustrated.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: It also sounds like you're feeling ambivalent about the therapy too.

CLIENT: I'm just, I feel frustrated with it, because I'm just you know, I'm trying to put in all this extra work, and then just to feel like... Again, it feels like my mind is ready to explode. I just feel like with the wedding, with the soccer, with my parents, with everything going on, I just feel that my head is just, it needs a break, like away from reality, away from just go and go and go. I need to just relax, because as of right now, my schedule is, I'm going seven days a week. I have no days off and that, I've done it before and I've you know, I've managed to go through it, but I also know the only way I got through it was I was using, and that was that was my comfort, that was my reward for doing what I was doing, was to use. [00:20:08]

THERAPIST: Well, the therapy is ultimately supposed to sort of help you cope with some of the difficulties.

CLIENT: No, I know.

THERAPIST: Not add any another stressor. But if it's not, we should talk about what it is that you feel maybe we could be doing differently.

CLIENT: Well, I do like what we're doing, I do like our approaches. There's just times where, you know, especially now with work, when I have like a bad day at work, because now I have a new role where I'm constantly working with the behavior students, and I'm constantly dealing with their outbursts, where they're kicking and screaming and yelling. I'm spending a lot of my time in the time out room and it's just emotionally draining me, it's mentally draining me. I was telling a coworker the other day, I've never felt so emotionally exhausted, mentally exhausted, in my life. I got out of work and I just felt like I could sleep for a week. That's how because it's a whole new process that I'm going through, it's a whole new process that I'm experiencing, and just being put into the behavior aspect of it, where students are acting out. We do all the training and stuff, but I never think I'm going to be a part of it, and then all of a sudden, I'm a part of three and four hours, and it just hits you like that, and I'm just like whoa, what's going on here? You know, talking to other people because we're trying to document it. I'm doing the paperwork, I'm trying to remember what happened in this one. I'm also trying to keep my eye on the students so they don't have another outbreak, and it's just like I feel like I'm going 50 different directions, and it's just, it's overbearing for me, it really is, it's overbearing. It's to the point where I just want to get out of work and just go to the gym, because for me going to the gym and just relieving stress and all this anxiety, it's very resourceful for me and unfortunately, for the last two weeks, I haven't had time to get to a gym. I haven't had time to release all this extra stress that's building inside of me and unfortunately, I can feel it building right in here, to the point where I'm just like, I just want to like put a pin in there and pop it and just let it go out. You know? It's just constantly, constantly struggling, and then now that we're planning a wedding, it just adds more fuel to the fire, because this is a very stressful time for me as well because I I feel defeated already with my parents, because I you know? And it bothers me, that I'm already feeling defeated, because it's constantly running through my head, the wedding, school, soccer, making time for myself, making time for the gym. You know, I'm going to (sighs) I've got to get a new suit before I leave for Texas, to go to a wedding, and I'm like, I'm just all over the place. I have nothing I feel like the last week and a half, I've really been just mentally on overdrive and I just need something to give myself a break. And part of it is me, I push myself too much, because I push myself to forget about other things. I do soccer to forget about school. I do, you know, go to the gym to forget about soccer, to forget about school. I come here to try and forget about everything and then it's like a vicious cycle. Every time I try to get rid of some things, like four more things pile up, and it just feels like it's just building and building and building and building, to the point where I'm just, I don't want to rip my hair out. I want to just I want to disappear for a little bit, you know? I want to get out of reality for a little bit, a week, and just have my own peace and quiet and just do my thing, but I know at this moment it's not possible, because there is a lot of work that I need to do, and there's a lot of work and a lot of commitment that I already made and have promised to myself to keep. And believe it or not, that's what stresses me out even more, is because I don't want to be that quitter. I don't want to be that person who all my life, people told me I couldn't do anything, and now all of a sudden, I feel just so defeated that I don't know if I'm going to get up any more. You know? I just, I feel if I get off my feet now, I'll never regain back up to where I am. It's a grind and I'm doing to the best I can to mentally stay together, because the hardest thing is I don't want to get in a fight with my fianc�, I really don't, and this is what happened last time, when we broke up, was I was very overwhelmed, very stressed with school, with money, with my situation, and that's what caused me to take out all my frustration on her, and I don't' want a repeat of that, I don't. I can feel it happening and I don't want it, because it's not fair to her and it's not fair to me. I just, I want to keep a positive attitude that I've been keeping so far and building upon, and if I can't do it, well, I'm really going to be disappointed in myself. And that's the hardest part, is me judging myself. [00:27:17]

THERAPIST: I have a couple questions. Is your wedding because I thought that you I wasn't sure what was leading you to write the e-mail and talk about termination. It sounded like you were upset with the cancellation policy, which we can certainly talk about. I couldn't tell if it was that or, you know, what it was.

CLIENT: It was just everything, it's my schedule. I needed I felt like I needed to eliminate something, and because, you know, treatment was only once a week, I felt it was the easiest to eliminate, because it would at least open up something for me, because soccer is a paying gig and I'm not going to eliminate that, even though it's six nights a week. That is my part-time job and I do get paid for that. I just needed something to relieve myself, because I'll admit, there are times when I just, I feel like it's a job coming here. I feel like I really don't feel like coming.

THERAPIST: Do you know what makes those like, I imagine that other times you don't feel that way.

CLIENT: No, I don't. [00:28:36]

THERAPIST: So, do you know what sort of contributes to your feeling like it's a job, versus not?

CLIENT: I think it depends on my week. It depends on what I have going on in my head at the time. I mean, if I had a really difficult week of work and games and, you know, conversations with my parents, I want to come. I want to be here because I feel it relaxes me. But I feel like if I'm making a little bit of progress that week and I have a decent week, that's when I lose my motivation and that's when I look at it as a job. Where, I'm like right now I'm not feeling as down, and I'm trying to figure out what emotions I want to talk about. Where, you know like today was really good, because I just went through a very difficult conversation on Sunday. Last week was very difficult after we met, and I need somebody to express my feelings, to express my frustration, and that's when I feel like I'm most productive. [00:29:56]

THERAPIST: It was difficult after we met, you mean right after?

CLIENT: No, no, no. I had a bad Thursday, Friday.

THERAPIST: Got it.

CLIENT: I had a bad Sunday and then yesterday was kind of bad, and now today was okay, but today I feel like I'm prepared to be here, there's a lot that I can talk about.

THERAPIST: Well, this is my thought on that, that the things that make you feel bad are kind of always there, and it seems like sometimes they're in the foreground and sometimes they're in the background.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: When they're in the foreground, you're very extended, it seems like that's when you especially want to be here. When they're more in the background, it seems like maybe all the things that you need to do in your week sort of take over and this feels more like a chore than something that actually provides something.

CLIENT: Exactly, and that's pretty much what the purpose of my e-mail was for, was the fact that I just, I've been going through mood swings lately and it all depends on what mood I'm in, you know, because there were times when I'm just like all right, I don't really want to go today but I'll go. And then I know when we did the every other week, it was good because every other week I did look forward to coming. I was very excited to come because I knew it was going to be productive, whereas the every week, it was very productive in the beginning but now, as things started to get more complicated, I just feel like it's not being as productive or ran as effectively as I think it could be, because I just feel like I just said, it's every week I have to be here and there's just, you know, some weeks it's a chore and some weeks I really need to be here. That's not how I want it to be. And this is another problem with me is, I feel like if I don't have a productive session, I don't feel good about myself. [00:32:16]

THERAPIST: What makes the difference between a productive and unproductive? What happens in a productive session that doesn't happen in an unproductive session?

CLIENT: Well, the productive ones, I want to be here, number one, and just leaving here, I do think about our conversations and I just feel my body just transform into a lot better mood, into a lot healthier, if you want to call it that. I feel like I'm being more open to listening and more open to processing information, where the bad ones, I'm just like yeah, that didn't really go good, and I don't really want to talk about what we talked about. I try not to think about it because it kind of gets me upset, because I'm just like well, you know, this really bothered me today but I'm not going to get into that. I just try to put it on the backburner and try to focus more on what I can do to positively build myself back up mentally. And you know, it just feels like that. It just feels like where I'm at my end for a lot of things and just something needs to end for me, and unfortunately, this was the first thing that I saw was the opening to end, because it was the one that I kind of have a little bit of control over, because it is our sessions.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [00:33:59]

CLIENT: And that's you know, that's what I thought about it. I was thinking about this before I even wrote the e-mail, because like I mentioned, the days that I wasn't sure, it would just, it would bother me, like why am I doing this?

THERAPIST: So, do you feel that productive sessions, you start by wanting to come in?

CLIENT: Oh, yeah.

THERAPIST: So it's not necessarily as much what happens during the session but your mood before the session?

CLIENT: It's how I am, it's how I it's how I'm feeling. If I really need to talk to someone, like I'll get excited to come to the sessions. Today I was really excited to come today, because I knew I needed to get it off my chest, and to get the treatment that I needed. But there are other times where I just come in, where I'm really not mentally focused on here, my mind is somewhere else, and those are the sessions that aren't very productive for me, because I don't feel like I'm getting the most out of what I need. Those are the sessions, I don't know if you noticed, where I just ramble on about things, different things, when I'm jumping from here to here to here to here. Those are the sessions that just, I feel aren't very productive, because something will pop in my head and that's when I'll think about it, and that's what we'll talk about. Where, the productive sessions, we have a common theme, and the theme of the conversation stays constant all the time. [00:35:36]

THERAPIST: So, is there something that I can do when you feel that you're rambling, to make the session more productive?

CLIENT: You can stop me and ask me how I'm feeling, what's going through my mind that I've decided to jump from one thing to another, or just you know, what brought that into my head. If you could do that, that would be awesome, because again, it comes back to me unconsciously talking, at times where I'm just rambling, and I'll totally forget about what I said five minutes ago, because some other thought will just jump into my head and it will be totally off topic from what we've been discussing. I think that would be awesome, if you could do that, is just bring me back on track and to focus on, you know, if my theme today is frustration, why am I feeling frustrated.

THERAPIST: Well, I would say your thinking most days are frustration.

CLIENT: Yeah, but -

THERAPIST: That's a pretty common theme throughout all the sessions, I could definitely say. [00:36:41]

CLIENT: You know? So I mean, but if I'm feeling frustrated, and then I'm bringing out into anger, let's just stay on to the frustration, and then the next session, when we meet, we can talk about, well what makes you feel angry, why do you get so angry, because I feel a lot of my frustration leads to the anger. I just have so much frustration, that I'm doing a better job of expressing my frustration, and I feel myself getting less angry.

THERAPIST: Well I mean, I was going to say, I can tell you why you feel frustrated. It seems a little bit presumptuous on my part, but you feel frustrated when you don't have the power to make the changes you want to have changed, and especially when you want to have other people change in ways that they have seemed unwilling or unable to change, and that's when you get extremely frustrated. That seems to be what's sort of the core of your frustration.

CLIENT: Yeah, it's the communication. [00:37:44]

THERAPIST: Well, a piece of it is communication and part of it, you're communicating what you want, but the other person isn't complying with that.

CLIENT: Yeah, I can see that.

THERAPIST: I mean with your dad, you are communicating. It's not that you're not communicating clearly, what you want him to do. It seems like you are, at least the way you describe it.

CLIENT: Exactly. In my mind, I feel like that.

THERAPIST: Right. It's just, he's not willing to go along with it for, you know, to meet your needs, and it seems like that's what causes you the frustration. So what happens is you end up doing more of the same, which makes you feel which gets you the same response, and then that makes you feel even more frustrated, and then it ends up being a cycle.

CLIENT: Exactly, and that's the you mention that, and that's what I said to my fianc� the other day, is I feel like I'm just running in circles, because everything I see that my dad's doing, I'm doing, and I feel like I'm just running around in a circle, I'm one of those hamsters, just running on the wheel and not going anywhere, because every time I feel like I'm going to the right, all of a sudden there's just a loop and now I'm back on the left, where I started. And I just, I'm trying to find the guidance to go diagonally, where I can't go in a circle, because I, one hundred percent agree with you. Everything that I do, and maybe it's just me constantly thinking about it and constantly putting too much thought into stuff, is I ultimately end up back where I don't want to be, and that's at the starting point. [00:39:22]

THERAPIST: Well, I have one kind of answer to help you feel less frustrated about some things, but I don't think that you're going to like the answer.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: I mean, I think part of the answer is ultimately letting go of some of the things that you're not going to be able to change.

CLIENT: No, I believe me, I understand that. I understand that and I have slowly been working on that, and I've slowly been letting go of a lot of things. And that's the one thing that I can agree with you on, is I do have a problem letting go of things. I do have a problem of letting that safety net go, because I do have a lot of safety nets, and unfortunately, I'm not ready to cut them off yet or cut them down.

THERAPIST: Yeah, but some of your safety nets are made of barbed wire, like the way you know, there's a safety net of wanting to create the kind of parents that give you the support that you want, because you felt so neglected and deprived, very understandably so. [00:40:36]

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So, you're trying to create a safety net but you keep getting stuck on the wire, because you're getting responses that only feed that sense of feeling that you're being more deprived.

CLIENT: Well that's the whole thing, you know that's probably one the main reasons of why I'm here. I just, I, I (sounds exasperated) I do feel like I'm battling. I don't want to use battle, but I do feel like our conversations go nowhere, because they always end the same. If they don't like what's going on, I get nothing out of it. If I don't like what's going on, they get nothing out of it. There's no productive conversations that we're having right now and I guess my issue is, how do I get a productive conversation? What can I mentally do to prepare myself to, okay, I have to do this? [00:41:43]

THERAPIST: Well, I will say that I mean, I think one of the things that doesn't go well for you, but I appreciate how much you want to do it, is when you take a stand.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Because I think when you take a stand, your parents just take their own stand, and you're not standing together.

CLIENT: No, we're not.

THERAPIST: So, that's not working.

CLIENT: No.

THERAPIST: I think that I feel like you feel, and understandably so, that if you let go of the stand, that you're giving in, and you feel like you've given in so much, you don't want to give in again.

CLIENT: I feel that way.

THERAPIST: So, it becomes a lose-lose situation. You either give in and feel like defeated, and defeated again, not just for the first time, or you feel like you're just kind of like spinning your wheels, that you're digging your heels further and further in and nothing is getting anywhere. I mean ultimately, I think with your parents, you can express how you're feeling and what you need and how you feel disappointed, and it would be wonderful if they could hear you, I don't know if they can. I think they could hear you a little bit more than when you take a stand. I think when you take a stand, it just really upsets them. When you say I'm not going to do this, I think that's when they stop listening, and I think anything that follows doesn't go anywhere. [00:43:00]

CLIENT: Well, to get back to that, I feel and this is where I'm thinking, where I'm coming from, where the stands that I have taken that have been... The stands that I have taken that have been effective, I feel that every stand I take is going to work, and that's what I need to get out of my head.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you do, because there's you've talked for months now, about all the stands that don't work.

CLIENT: That don't work.

THERAPIST: So, I can guarantee, not all the stands work.

CLIENT: And I guess that's what I need to work on, is I do have this sense of pride of not giving in, and I think that's the one thing that's holding me back, because again, it's like you just mentioned, I feel like I'm giving in and that once again, I'm defeated. And when I get defeated, I don't do well and it's all about, well I told you so, and you should have done this in the beginning. (sighs) It's just part of me being my own individual.

THERAPIST: Mm-hmm. [00:44:10]

CLIENT: And I feel if I can win you know, take a stand and believe in what I believe in, and have them at least acknowledge what I believe in, then I feel like there is no there's no victory.

THERAPIST: Well, you very much want to be acknowledged, not only for your sort of independence and individuality, but like the fact that you have your own needs and your own wishes, and yet you feel very dependent on them for recognition of that.

CLIENT: I do.

THERAPIST: And it's sort of a paradox for you, that you feel dependent on their recognition and yet you want to be an individual, in a sense be independent. And I think you keep I think for you, it feels kind of like a trap that you can't get yourself out of, and I think that's a big issue. Let me hear what you have to say but we're going to need to stop.

CLIENT: And the last thing that I'll say to that is the only way I feel I can do that is to cut them out. [00:45:15]

THERAPIST: Which then causes and maybe that's your choice, but it causes another whole host of other problems.

CLIENT: Exactly, and that's when the guilt comes in.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: So.

THERAPIST: So we need to stop. Next time, I'll go over my cancellation policy, and I want to absolutely be fair.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So my cancellation policy and I apologize if it was unclear in the first one. It's actually a bit more lenient, not vice-versa. So my cancellation policy when we started, was that essentially, you're sort of signing on to weekly or bi-weekly sessions.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: Because I don't just sort of plug people in.

CLIENT: No, I know that.

THERAPIST: I only take in a certain amount of people.

CLIENT: Yeah, that's what I took by it.

THERAPIST: So, it used to be that basically, the expectation is you come at some point during the week to reschedule. I changed it such that I appreciate sometimes that's not possible. So if you give me three days notice, and you can't come that week, no worries. So that's sort of how I changed it but again, I want -

CLIENT: Do you have a new contract that I can sign?

THERAPIST: I can. In other words, if you can't come one week that we have scheduled, that's okay, but I do need three day's notice. [00:46:18]

CLIENT: Yeah, that's fine. As long as I can get a new contract and we'll sign it.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: That's definitely cool.

THERAPIST: That sounds like a plan.

CLIENT: What do I owe you to be even up-to-date for today?

THERAPIST: I think it was $300. I think it's for three sessions. I'm pretty sure that I will then double check, and if there's anything different, I will let you know.

CLIENT: And any am I still going to come next week or can we talk about the every other week?

THERAPIST: We're going to need to stop. I'm so sorry.

CLIENT: That's all right.

THERAPIST: Let me know what you what would you like to do?

CLIENT: I would prefer the every other week, if possible.

THERAPIST: So you'd like to come in two weeks?

CLIENT: If that's okay.

THERAPIST: Sure. Let's pick it up and talk about it, and ultimately Jordan, this is your treatment.

CLIENT: No, I know.

THERAPIST: And it's your you know, I'm here to sort of give you my expertise, my professional opinion about what I think might be better or helpful or not, but it's ultimately your decision because it's your treatment. [00:47:26]

CLIENT: Yeah, perfect.

THERAPIST: Okay. So I will see you in two weeks.

CLIENT: Thank you very much, Dr. Stevenson, perfect, thank you.

THERAPIST: Okay, thank you very much, take care.

CLIENT: Have a good week.

THERAPIST: You too.

CLIENT: Thank you.

END TRANSCRIPT