TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

(background noise, conversation inaudible)

CLIENT: So I just want to go back to last week, and just you know, continue talking about, you know the frustrating part about, you know me not being heard. (clears throat) And my feelings just kind of being on the outside of where, you know, every time I bring up my concerns and my needs and my wants, and you know (voice breaks) my hopes. It always turns back to, ‘well now you are hurting my feelings, my needs and my wants.' And I guess I'm kind of stuck at the crossroads there, where again, I don't, I guess this is part of the communication aspect of it. But I just get so frustrated and so down on myself because I don't really know what else I can do. You know, I feel like I'm putting a lot out there, just putting myself out there, just putting my feelings out there and letting them be known. To try to explain to them how I am feeling, how it does bother me. And to be honest, I think, you know, I get, I hesitate away from it because ultimately, you know the outcome's been the same for a long time. And that's always been one of negativity.

[00:01:32] It's always been one of me not understanding their feelings, not understanding what they want. And I guess it's part of, you know, the environment I grew up in. Because my mom has made a lot of sacrifices for my dad. However my dad has made little towards my mom. And this is basically, you know, what she told me, and again when I asked her to you know, help me out and support me. She brings up, back to, you know you're going to be hurting his feelings and pretty much all what he wants. And what he, you know, how he's feeling. Because you know, my dad has always done his own thing. My dad's never really been the type to, you know I guess be supportive on that emotional side and that, that loving side that I guess, you know, my mom was. I guess my mom tried her best to do it, but I feel bad because she never had the support from my dad. Because all the years that I was being picked on, my mom was being hurt. You know my dad never sided with my mom until recently. He always sided with his side of the family. He always sided like with (inaudible). You know and they weren't doing any wrong. And I kind of feel like that's the same thing now.

[00:03:06] Where everything that I'm going, everything that I am talking about is wrong. And I think that he just shuts down and puts it to the side and hoping that eventually I'll come around and see it his way. You know that's kind of what I hope my mom does too. She, she's hoping. She's hoping I can kind of put it to the side and let it go. And not proceed with it. But it's to the point now that I'm just so frustrated and so irritated by the whole situation, where I need to pursue this. I need to get my feelings, my emotions, I need to get that across to them. And I keep going back to this, if I have to make a drastic leap, to get their attention, I'm going to do it. And it's very difficult, because you know, I don't want to to this. I'd rather have the conversation with them, I'd rather talk about it than have my actions speak for my, my feelings. Over the summertime at my cousin's wedding, you know, I think that really hurt my dad . And it hurt a lot of people because then he started getting the questions as to, you know, why I wasn't there, what's he doing that he's not here. You know, people started asking questions, and my sister started telling people you know, she was just there for the free booze. You know, it's, it's, it's a question, you know, that they just keep avoiding. They keep making excuses, as to why, you know to not, confront it, why not to talk about it and get over it. And to me, it's extremely frustrating.

[00:04:53] Because they just keep having those excuses. Like I said to my dad, I would like to have a conversation with my aunt and my uncle and why I don't want them at my wedding. And, since I've had that conversation with them, I haven't heard anything. I continue to bring it up, and once I bring it up, and shuts down. And will not talk to me, will not acknowledge me. And I guess that's where I'm getting pissed off. That's where I'm getting frustrated to the point where I'm like okay, I'm just going to do what I want to do. I'm just going to make my own decisions and you are going to have to live with it. And am I going to hurt them? Not so much my mom, but my dad I'm will hurt. And I know it will hurt a lot. I just truly don't think he understands the pain that I'm feeling. I truly don't think he understands that I felt all those years. The hurt that I still feel, of what's going on, you know with our relationship with them. As I keep mentioning, I do not want a relationship with them. I do not want to associate with them. I want to move on from that part of my life. I want to get all that negativity out of my life. And until we can have a conversation, and him to listen to my needs and my wants, and why I'm feeling the way I'm feeling. I just feel that my rash, bold decisions are the only way I can effectively communicate.

[00:06:40] And I don't think that is good for my relationship with them. I know that for a fact it's not good for my relationship with them. Because then I anger them, when I don't want to anger them. All I want to do is make them happy, but I don't understand how I can make them happy when they aren't helping me be happy. And I just get extremely, extremely frustrated and that's when I get really pissed off. To the point where, I have to do this. If I don't do it this way, you know, it's never going to get done. I'm never going to get heard. But then on the flip side, I have my support system, I have you and my fiance', who questions me. Which puts me even more in to doubt. And then I fall in to the guilt trap of, do I really want to go through with this? Do I really want to take this kind of approach, and am I ready for the outcome. Because to be honest, I don't know what the outcome will bring. I don't know what, how it's going to end. And it goes back to the control thing that I was fighting so much earlier. I'm willing to give up control on this. I'm willing to not have directed in a certain way, the conversation in a certain way, the reaction in a certain way. I'm not pre-gaming it. I just want to have it and see where it goes. I want to you know, if I make a decision, that's a harsh one, that they're not going to accept, I want to you know, not anticipate how it's going to go. I want to see how it goes.

[00:08:38] And then process the information, and, and, and respond in the appropriate way. But I always get the guilt of, do I even want to go there. Do I really know what I'm getting in to? Do I really want to start this war between my family? Do I really want to, you know, create a divide between me and my parents? And some days, it's yes. Some days' it's no. And I'm just so confused and so, hurt that I'm confused, and hurt that I'm frustrated, and hurt that you know, I feel like I'm still running in that wheel that the hamster runs in. Where I'm just constantly going, but I'm not going anywhere, you know, I'm not going forward and I'm not moving backwards, I'm just at a stand still. And every time I feel like I'm moving forward, I get the guilt and it brings me back. [00:09:56]

THERAPIST: The guilt that comes from inside?

CLIENT: The guilt from hurting them, you know, to a point where I, it could have been prevented. It could have been prevented. And a hurt that I know what I'm doing is right, but the whole time it bothers me. The whole time, it affects, you know, how I feel as a person. It affects how I feel, you know, as, as, as a son. As someone who is supposed to be loved and support his parents. And here I am going against them. Here I am fighting them, and it just, it angers me that I don't, I don't have a solid grasp on where my relationship is with them. You know, I don't have a solid grasp on how to communicate with them.

[00:10:59] You know, like I mentioned before, I want that emotional side, I want that emotional love from them. And every time I look for it, every time I feel like I'm pressing the issue, every time, they then hurt me. They then move me to the side. And I just feel frustrated because like I mentioned last week, unless they can financially they can solve a problem, I don't have the confidence in them solving any other problem. Unless it's you know, I mean, I revert back to the drugs, and I revert back to why I felt I needed the drugs. Because they, they listened to me. They were the ones that you know, told me that everything was alright. They were the ones that were patting me on the back when I was crying, you know, keeled over, telling me it's going to be okay. They were the ones that were, were helped soothing me. They were helped filling that void that I, I was missing and searching for. And it frustrates the hell out of me, that when I look back on it, that's the memory that I have.

[00:12:16] That's the urge I have, you know even to this day, when I get frustrated and when I get irritated and, and pissed off and over react, the first thing that I want to do is you know go for the pot. I want to go for a cigarette. I want to go for the chewing tobacco. [00:12:40]

THERAPIST: Because those things won't disappoint you.

CLIENT: No, and they haven't. That's the major difference, is they haven't. They've always, you know in my mind, they've always listened to me, they've always, you know nurtured me, and helped me and made me feel like I was, you know, worth something. You know, they were the ones that never talked back. They never diverted, you know pushed me to the side. They never criticized me about anything. They never, you know, made me feel guilty. You know, I, and, and, it's frustrating because I know they are bad. I know they are bad. I know the effects they can have on me. But yet, I still feel, safe with them, and I don't know why. I still feel like it's something I can rely on. From doing so in the past, that's never really hurt me. It's hurt me once when I overdosed, but not mentally. They've hurt my physically. And I can't, you know explain how the emotional side of doing the drugs and the feeling that it makes me. Because I do forget a lot of things. I do feel like I become, when I am in the zone, when I can, you know when I'm in full positivity. I'm in a place where everyone, you know, I only care about me. And I have no regards to the outside world or anybody else.

[00:14:32] (chuckle) And, and, and after I do it, you know, when I was sober, I would sort of look back on it and say, you know, why did I make those choices? But also I really enjoyed the feeling. And it's, and you know, I come back to that, I try to, you know put myself in those feelings I go through in the drugs, but you can't get there. You can't get there. Because I realize now, all the frustration that I had built up back then, and was masking with the drugs, I feel the frustration now, and I'm trying to find a way to mask it. Without eating, without using drugs, without, you know, doing something drastic. And that's the most difficult part. That's the part where, you know, I am frustrated as all hell. Because every time, like a mentioned, I feel like I move, making strides towards achieving a goal. And getting progress, I, I always feel like I'm getting pulled back. There's always that one, tug of the wire that I'm on that says, hey, get back here. Where you going? You can't just leave us like that. And it makes me feel, you know, bad about myself. Because I don't want to disappoint anymore. I don't want to disappoint people the way I've been disappointed. [00:16:24]

THERAPIST: How do you feel like you're disappointing people?

CLIENT: When I hurt them. When I, you know, my actions, you know, hurt people. And I feel like I'm disappointing them, because I, I shouldn't be doing that. I shouldn't be this negative towards things. I shouldn't, I shouldn't react, you know the way I react to things. I want to be that loving, caring person, who, who's there to help. Who's not masking, or putting on a smiley face for all the stuff that's bothering them. You know, the most disappointing part is I feel like I'm disappointing myself as, as a human being. I'm disappointing myself in making decisions that are rash and harsh. And after I make them, even though I know that they've already been done, that the guilt comes in. And instead of, you know, pursuing that, you know, I feel disappointed that I let them down. That I let them down. That I let people down, because people have high expectations of me. At least I feel that way, and I have high expectations of myself. And when I go and get tugged back, by whatever it is that I do, or whatever somebody else does, I just, I just beat myself up over it.

[00:18:04] And I constantly have that battle in my head. Because, I felt that way ever since I was a child. I've always had that person kicking me while I was down, and like before, I just kept getting back up. And you know, that was the mentality I was brought up with, was just getting back up and fighting. But unfortunately when I was doing the drugs, I lost the desire to fight. But I found it again. And, that's why, you know, I'm going the best that I can, you know, to help myself up. And to process, every decision I make. And not, you know, direct it into a way that I want that is favorable to me. But I do want it to favor me, that's the problem. I do want, you know, I do want to be in control of conversations. I do want to be able to stare at, in one direction and prepare for it. But I've known from the past, every time I do that, the curve ball is thrown at me. I have no back up plan. I have no, no, no plan of what to do after. And that's why I want to just let things play out. But in order to let them play out, I need to communicate, I need to have a dialog or something. And, I just don't know how to get it. [00:19:45]

THERAPIST: Is it enough that you let them out and at least some people hear, even if it's not the people you would like to be hearing it?

CLIENT: It's something but, the people that I, I've used this one before, it's like when you get all A's on your report card, right? And you come home, and the first thing you want to do is show your parents. And just, to show them like, how good you did, and that's how, you know you are a student, and you are very proud of yourself. Well, the two people that I want to show, and impress, never seem impressed. And that's the difficult part. You know. The two people who's opinion that I really want, and really desire, I cant get one. I mean I get one, but it's not, it's not a yay or a negative one. It's just a, Okay, and that's it. I mean it's great that I do have the support that I have, but there's also that other support that I, that I crave. That I just want. That I just need. And, I, I am running out of ways to ask for it. TO have them embrace it? Will the wedding be the ticket? I don't know. Do I have my hopes up? Yes. But I don't know, I don't understand how it can be, because I can't even have a conversation about it, without me getting irritated and them getting irritated because we have two different views of it. And that, and that's what really drives my up the wall.

[00:21:50] Is I, you know, we, me and my fiance' have what we want, and my parents have what they want. And, it went from before I got engaged to whatever you want, we'll do. Well now I'm engaged and what I want is not what they want. And now, here we go, running in the wheel again. And it's just, it's a financial thing. Because my parent's have, we asked them to pay for the catering and the bar, and well, as soon as they saw that, we gave them an inch and they are taking a foot. And who knows how many feet it will be later. And that's the one thing that I can't, I can't, I get so frustrated on. Because I can't bring it up to them. Because in a way, my fiance tells me, well, they are paying, so we do give them a little bit more. However, I want them to, to still be restricted, and I can't. Because my parent's want what they want. They are like I don't care what it costs, I'll take care of it. Then I've got my fiance' who goes, well, they are paying, they can do it. And here I am the middle man. [00:23:24]

THERAPIST: Well you could have a way that you guy's could afford and not include your parents in the payments so you would not feel as obligated to them.

CLIENT: I can, I absolutely could. And we talked about it. But then I, I felt bad because I know how much they want to participate in it. I know how much they want to be involved because it is their first child getting married. And then comes in to the guilt where I, I originally wanted that because then I could delegate what they could and couldn't do. You know, it was the control thing coming in to play. Where now, all of the sudden I have all of the control. But then, you know, my fiance' really wanted a couple of things and you know, unfortunately her mother said she'd help out but not to the extent. And you know, I kind of got, you know, persuaded to allowing them to participate. [00:24:36]

THERAPIST: Well, I guess, can't they participate without paying for stuff? Like it sounds like you feel, I guess I'm not sure where you feel you are obligated. You are obligated to have them pay?

CLIENT: When we made the decision to let them be a part and contribute to the wedding. We made it based on, pretty much, you know, what her mother wasn't going to be able to cover. I knew from the start my dad was adamant about having open bar. So we had that option. The other part with the food was, it was only going to be a couple things. You know, we were only going to get the basic packages, all affordable, you know that we could handle. However, we talked about our future, and not spending all our savings on the wedding. So we are looking at this as a gift, from my parents, as a you know, as a wedding present is to contribute to it. And the decision behind it was, well we'll let them control it, because that's pretty much what they care about. Because that's all they talk about is the food and the booze. So we said, we decided on this together that we would allow it to happen. However, you know, when we did let them do it, I didn't understand what was going to come after it. And that's when it started, you know the list started growing. [00:26:21]

THERAPIST: That's what I'm challenging you on. How could you not know that? You know them so well.

CLIENT: Well I knew that it was coming, and that was my one fear in letting them do it. Because I knew these other perks were coming. I knew, and I explained this to my fiance'. I knew all these threats were coming. You know, and ultimately she was the one who, you know, we talked and we agreed to it. But now that we're demanding the lists and the revisions and all the stuff, I can't get it. I'm getting pushed off to the side, it's being diverted and deflected. I've been asking for over a month, for a revised list. The last time I checked, they were only allowed to invite 80 to 85 people total. Well last time I checked it was up to 95. And I went off on them. I said, what is going on here? Why can't you respect the number that I put on the list. Why do you keep pushing the buttons, pushing the envelope. I mean ultimately I'm going to be the one who nixes people off their list. I'm going to be the one who says no, this person's not coming. But, I'm the one who's going to be challenged. I'm the one who's going to be like well you have to do this, who is going to be told, well you have to do this. You need to invite this one, because of this one. I don't need to do anything.

[00:28:04] You know, and it, and it all comes back to what I want and what they want. And they told me at the beginning when it first happened, we'll do what you want. Well, what I want, I'm not getting. It's not even close to getting. [00:28:24]

THERAPIST: You're not going to get their money, and then get to do whatever you want with their money. No.

CLIENT: No, I agree.

THERAPIST: You either do what you want and not take their money, or take their money and take all the strings that are attached.

CLIENT: (chuckle) I hear you but there are a lot of strings attached, but they don't have to take every string. I don't have to take every string. [00:28:43]

THERAPIST: No, but I'm just, I'm just sort of pointing out that you have sort of set yourself up in this position.

CLIENT: I have. Because I do want it to be a, a nice event. I do want it to be a beautiful event. You know, because I know what I can afford, and what the even will look like. As opposed to, with a little help, the event will be a little bit better than what I can provide. You know, and it's more of a, I want to please her, too. Because it's her dream. It's her dream wedding, and it's her dream venue and this is what she wants. However we are talking about the strings that are attached, you know. There are certain strings that I'm going to accept. There's actually a lot of them that I'm going to accept. But, the one thing I won't accept is when I tell the caterer, like when I'm doing all the negotiating with the caterer, we're picking the food, we're picked the hors d'oeuvres, we're picking the total number of people. You know, when I make those decisions, basically all I'm doing is using their money. And I want to keep them involved in what's going on. I want to let them know that this is part of the procedure. However, when I get them involved in the decision making, well, then, my mind gets three or four different decisions and I can't make a decision. I can't make a decision because I really like this. But then they want this too, so I want to have that but, I, I can't do this and then she wants this, and, and it's to the point where it's, you know, where do I compromise? [00:30:53]

THERAPIST: Well, it seems like there is symbolism in this, where you said that the kind of wedding she wants, you can't provide but your parents can. Because the symbolism is you are feeling not enough or inadequate to provide something, and you feel like your parent's have extra power, or extra resources. I feel like there is something symbolic in it.

CLIENT: There is, because that's what I want to do. I want to have the resources to make her, you know to make her dream wedding. [00:31:24]

THERAPIST: But you feel that you don't and had to borrow them from your parents.

CLIENT: I don't, not at this time no.

THERAPIST: But I think there is a lot of symbolism I don't think that it is just about money. I think there is a lot of symbolism in it. And the reality is, a dream wedding is two people who really love each other and create a future together. A dream wedding can be a cook-out, and I don't mean to be like,

CLIENT: Oh yeah,

THERAPIST: But like, that's a dream wedding, but you are associating a dream wedding with a lot of money.

CLIENT: Well not money, I'm just talking about, (sighs) my dream wedding is a great place, with great people, and a great atmosphere, that's mine. Whether it's indoors, outdoors, whatever. But I kind of look at it as a fancy party. Where everybody dresses up and celebrates something big. Kind of, you know, that's my dream wedding. My dream wedding is, and I've had this since I got engaged, is like hosting a party at the White House. Is everybody's there for one reason, and that is to celebrate something. But everybody is formal, everybody is polite, and every body is kind of on the same page. They are all happy. That's my dream wedding. That's my dream wedding. Her dream wedding is fancy flowers, ton's of people, just not having any disasters. My parent's dream wedding, and this is, you know, the problem is, there is my dream wedding, there's her dream wedding, there's my parent's dream wedding and her mom's dream wedding. [00:33:10] So there's four dream weddings that we have to combine in to one. And unfortunately, I'm having a problem compromising, you know, with all these dreams. Because there's a lot of stuff in my dream wedding that my fiance' wants. But there's a lot of stuff that her mother wants, that I can't see, she can't see, but makes a stink over. There's a lot of stuff that my parent's want, that I can't see, she can't see, and they're making a stink over. But the problem is, her mom has financial ties to it, my parent's have financial ties to it, I have financial ties to it. So there's three separate incomes that are coming in to this, and everybody wants their piece of the pie. And I am beyond frustrated because I don't, (sighs) I'll compromise, but I don't want to compromise all the way. And that's, that's, that's the dilemma that I'm in. That's the decisions that you know, we're, I'm facing, she's facing, our parent's are facing. Because we're all, got our agendas. We all have certain things that we want to check off that we need to have. Well, the things I need to have are the things my parent's need to have too. But the things that I don't want are the things that my parent's need. And that's, that's where the guilt comes in, that's where the frustration comes in. That's where me trying to communicate about, you know, I know you want this and this, but I don't want this and this. Or I don't need this and this. Let's have a conversation as to why we need it. And the conversation starts and then after five minutes it dilutes. It goes away.

[00:35:17] Because as soon as I say something or they hear something that they don't want to hear, it's over, boom, shut off. And they keep forgetting about it, pretending to forget about it. And then when I revisit it, it's oh, I didn't know you needed that. When do you need it. Like they just keep holding off, and holding off, and putting it off and holding off, and putting it off, and thinking that I'll eventually forget it. That's kind of how I feel, you know, with my relationship with my Aunt. There's things that I need to get out and to, to work out, and when I ask for the support of my parents, they just push her off, push her off, hold off, hold off, hold off, hold off. Until, you know, they hope I forget and just move on and get over it. And that's where, where I'm stuck, because it's with all decisions. It's with everything with them. Everything is, well hold off, we'll wait for this, well give us a time frame, we'll move on an extra this that and the other thing. No. Why can't we tackle something one at a time. Why can't we just have a simple conversation and discuss why this has to happen. Why this needs to be discussed. And I can't get that. There is always an excuse to move on and hold it off until the next time. Okay, well the next time that I bring it up, it gets moved on til the next time.

[00:36:53] And that's what I'm talking about being frustrated, about being pissed off, because as soon as they hear something they don't like (snaps fingers) nothing gets done. Nothing gets accomplished and I feel like, what the hell am I doing? What the hell is going on here that I need to do to just sit down and address this and get it completed. What do I need to do? I mean, the, you know, the best case scenario is that we revisit it and I tell them okay I meet your demands. Boom, it's over. It's over. That's ultimately what they are waiting for me to do, they're waiting for me to say. It's to the point where I feel like the more and more I challenge and revisit, and challenge and revisit, the more and more I just want to say, fuck it. I'll meet their demands because it's not worth battling anymore. It's not worth discussing. [00:37:54]

THERAPIST: It sounds like in a way you feel like being held hostage.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: You feel like you can't negotiate with the hostage takers, you just have to give in.

CLIENT: Exactly. It's how I feel, I feel like I get no where. I feel like my opinion doesn't matter. And, and, the whole, issue is, I just want to talk about it. It's a start for me, I just want to talk about it. I just want to have a conversation and listen without anybody yelling and screaming and tuning out. I just, and they've never done this since I can remember. They've never sat down and talked to me. They've never sat down and listened. It's always this is what you are going to do, if you don't like it, too fucking bad. Or it's a, why do you have to do it this way, why do you have to be difficult? Why can't you just suck it up and move on, and pretend that everything is okay? Or suck it up and stop causing this controversy. In a way, and I say this, about my mother, is that my mother doesn't like anything negative talked about her family or her children. But when I overdosed, when my brother got his DUI, when my other brother was, you know, in to drugs and all his credit card debt. She was pissed that everybody was talking about us and how bad we were. However, one of my cousins got busted for drugs, one of my cousins got busted for OUI, when my cousins all got arrested, she was the first one to talk smack to everybody. She was the first one to criticize them, like what the hell's wrong with them, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[00:39:45] When the same exact thing was happening in her family. And instead of confronting it and dealing with it, she hid behind it. She got pissed off that people were dare say that about her kids. When the truth and reality of it was, yeah, we were fuck ups. (chuckle) You know. I feel like, like she puts that unfair burden on my cousins and myself for messing up and talking about them, when she can't even admit that her own kids have problems, and look past it. Why do you look past, why don't you sit down and ask me why I did drugs? And then when I tell her that you know, I, I, you know, I did drugs because I was looking for your support, she gets mad. And starts sobbing, and feeling guilty, and saying oh, you're saying I'm a bad mother. No, I never said that. I just want you to talk to me. I just want you to listen to me. Have a conversation with me. It's all I want. It's all I needed. Did I get it? No. Do I want it? Absolutely. Can I get it? Hopefully. But I don't, and I just don't, I just don't know what I need to do, or what I can do to just get the both of them to listen to me. To just sit down and, and it just pisses me off, because they transform everything into, they hurt themselves. And I feel like this, you know, in my, you know in my life with my fiance'. Or I just turned things from her feelings, when I hurt her, to my feeling. I felt like that. Until I decided you know, til I worked on myself and became more empathetic. I don't have any of that towards me.

[00:41:53] With them, I really don't. Everything is okay, well now you are attacking me. And that's not my intention, because I did see it with myself. I am 100 percent guilty of that, is turning things on to, okay, now it's my fault now I feel like a piece of crap. You know, thanks. And then I'm the one apologizing, and you know, this that and the other thing. I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want to have it, and turn things where I'm expressing my feelings, I tell you something, and then you get mad and I feel bad because I told you. I don't want to feel like that. I don't want to feel guilty telling you how I'm feeling and how much, you know, you know, your decisions have hurt or bothered me. [00:42:49]

THERAPIST: You don't want to be burdened with someone else's response.

CLIENT: Yeah, you know. I don't want to, I don't want to hurt you. But I also want to have a conversation with you, and when you go into a shell and start crying and start blaming you know, yourself for how I feel. There's no, I can't get through. Because then you just start beating yourself up and then I feel guilty as all hell, and I'm like, maybe I shouldn't have crossed that road. [00:43:22]

THERAPIST: And you don't feel like ultimately you were heard anyway.

CLIENT: No. No. That wasn't the intention. The intention was to get it off my chest, to have the conversation. To basically just, relay to them what I'm feeling. And how, we can work together to compromise and fix it. But instead it's, it turns out as an attack on them. Me attacking people. And then, again, it goes into the vicious cycle of running in the wheel. Where I feel like ah shit, now what did I do? You know? Now I have to revert and come back and, and, and apologize for what I said, and put on the smiley face again, that nothing's wrong. There's no issues that need to be tackled. And I can't do that anymore. I really can't. That's the most frustrating part about it. Everything is like that. It's like, it's repetitious, every time I go and revisit old wounds and bring up what I want to talk about and how I'm feeling and how I feel about this, that and the other person. It's always redirected to how they are feeling. And it's always to the point to divert it so the conversation ends so they don't have to deal with it. And I don't know what they are running away from.

[00:45:00] Because I'm your child. Don't you want to listen to what I have to say? Don't you want to be there with open arms telling me it's going to be okay, we can work through this? But instead I feel the opposite. I feel like I'm pushed away. No not now, we can't discuss this now, you can't talk to me. That's why I feel like I can't tell them anything. Because a lot of this stuff isn't what they want to hear. And until I can tell them, until I can get them to hear me. I don't want to even waste my breathe having a conversation. You know, it, it, it frustrates the hell out of me. [00:45:48]

THERAPIST: It sounds like a catch point too.

CLIENT: Is it? It' pisses me off.

THERAPIST: You know, we are ready to stop in a moment, I know it's a hard place to stop.

CLIENT: It's difficult, because I do feel like that, I don't feel like that at my house now. I feel like there is someone there with open arms willing to listen and talk things out. And at home, I always get diverted, at my parent's, I always get diverted. And the same thing happens, you know, with my sister. My sisters you know, has a lot of health issues, and my parent's aren't there emotionally to support her. [00:46:32]

THERAPIST: Do you want to, I'm, I mean I'm here the next few weeks, just not on Tuesdays obviously. I'm happy to see you in the next few weeks if you'd like.

CLIENT: I gotta check my schedule.

THERAPIST: I just wanted to extend that to you.

CLIENT: Thank you.

THERAPIST: When I, I still have you coming in on the eighth, is that still a possibility or is that when you start coaching?

CLIENT: No, I have something on the eighth.

THERAPIST: Okay so you can't do that. So we need to e-mail anyway to get a schedule going.

CLIENT: Yes exactly.

THERAPIST: Okay, so e-mail me, and let me know, I have, aside from the two TueI'm not here next Monday and Tuesday, and I'm not here the following Tuesday, New Years Day, but I'm here otherwise.

CLIENT: Okay. So we'll figure something out.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: Perfect, thank you very much, Dr Feldman.

THERAPIST: My pleasure, thank you. Okay, have a good night.

CLIENT: You too.

(people walking, door opening and closing)

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