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BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Can I ask you about a few things actually two things? I'm having really bad anxiety and I'm not really sure like, I'm not dealing with it very well. Like this morning I woke up and I was literally just sort of, almost paralyzed in my bed. I just so much adrenaline running through me that it's sort of becoming a problem, you know every day. But I'm not really sure how to deal with it properly so I can just sort of function a little bit better. It's just to the point where I'm so anxious all the time and I have a hard time sort of trying to calm myself down a little bit and it's getting annoying, I guess. I'm not really sure what to do. This weekend was sort of okay.

I saw my boyfriend and we met with his lawyer to talk about everything that's happening legally and all that stuff and we had a good conversation and everything was okay. But the person that is not dealing with it well is my mom and we talked about her on Friday and Saturday she knew I was going and I just kind of said, 'like you have to sort of just let me go and I'll let you know what's happening later.' And she texted me and then within 10 seconds of me not texting her back she was yelling at me via text message about how I need to answer her and when I finally answered I said, 'you know, yes, I'm fine and please stop yelling at me,' and her response was just, 'I'm done with you.' [00:02:29]

And then yesterday so I didn't response back to her or talk to her and then yesterday I took my boyfriend to the airport and he went back and we talked and everything and we're okay. It's not like we're on great terms but we're talking more and I tried to call her to sort of just say hi and just give her a little bit of information but she really just sort of talked about the weather and then finally I just said I really need your support right now. I really need you to sort of be there for me and yelling at me via text message because I didn't answer you right away is not really fair and I don't feel like that's being very supportive. And she just totally started yelling at me and she began a martyr and it's turning into her problem and I finally said this is why I don't want to talk to you. This is when I start to shut you out and then it was like, 'oh, you think because you're going to therapy now you know everything,' and she just like all this stuff and I can't really handle that right now and I don't know how to talk to her right now and convey to her like, 'look, this is not about you.'

And it sort of I tried to be very calm and collected when I first started talking to her and she was just really defensive right off the bat and it didn't matter what I said and then she was yelling at me and telling me I'm mean and just saying things that are not even remotely necessary. And I tried to say to her, 'I'm sorry but none of this everything that's happening right now has nothing to do with you.' This is not you your boyfriend's not didn't get arrested. He's not going through anything. It's not about you and she's making it about her and I have this is a very, this is a pattern. This is how everything always is. Everything's always 10 times more dramatic than it needs to be, blown out of proportion and now yesterday I hung up with her and she's not going to call me, she's not going to say anything to me until I call her or I'm forced to apologize to her or something and console her and make it all about her and I'm not with everything going on right now I'm not in the mindset to be able to handle that right now. And I don't know how to talk to her and to say like this is not okay without her sort of freaking out and yelling and just getting completely irrational, I suppose. So I'm sort of struggling with what to do about how to really deal with it because I want to just shut her off and just not talk to her but I mean, in the same page it's upsetting that you can't call your own mom and get support without her throwing it in my face that she came up here because I needed her to and all this other stuff. So I'm sort of just [00:06:35]

THERAPIST: Stuck.

CLIENT: Stuck. And you know I can't completely lean on my boyfriend. He has other things and we're leaning on each other but I need other people to talk to and I'd be talking to my best friend and one of my friends up here but you kind of want to talk to my mom. I don't feel like I can. I don't feel like I can talk to her about anything and I'm not even really telling her everything that's happening. I didn't even really explain to her what was happening with the lawyer on Saturday and how all that's going to play out because once I started to and it wasn't going the way that she wanted, she automatically got angry and mad and like snippy about it. It's I don't know I'm stuck on her and what to do and I don't want to lose it with her and I don't want to yell and scream anymore. I don't want to have these yelling and screaming matches about nothing and she's just very irrational.

THERAPIST: Well, in some sense they're not about nothing. They're about trying to reach your mother who feels unreachable.

CLIENT: Yeah. I don't I don't even know. I couldn't sit there was nothing I could say to her yesterday that could, that she wasn't going to get angry about or defensive about and all I wanted to e-mail was to tell her how I was doing and what was sort of happening up here with me because she's so concerned about it. But at the same time there was nothing I could have said that was going to make her not mad at me or something like that. And I don't really think that's fair and that's it's not about her. So I'm sort of just helpless on this. I don't know what to do.

THERAPIST: Well, I can certainly talk about your anxiety. Unfortunately, I can't make her a different person.

CLIENT: I know.

THERAPIST: Is that bad news? [00:08:51]

CLIENT: No. (Chuckle) I just she can be however she wants to be and that's fine but I just need to I feel like I need help with some skills at how to talk to her or how to deal with her and completely just get angry or what to say or something like that is just I mean it doesn't really seem like I could say anything that is going to change how her reaction is but, you know, it's one thing if she's just a friend or someone that I can say, 'look, I'm going through a hard time right now. Maybe we could take up this friendship or something later on.' Like she's my mom and that makes it even more difficult. So trying I just don't feel comfortable telling her anything and even telling her that and then trying to convey to her why (unclear) I don't even know. It's just it's not fair.

THERAPIST: Well, I have a couple of thoughts about this. But one thought I had is like are these things that you would discuss with your dad?

CLIENT: No, because I don't talk to him. So -

THERAPIST: Because you had talked about in the past sort of having some contact with him so I didn't realize what the status of that was.

CLIENT: You know, we don't really have like a relationship where I call him and talk to him about stuff or say much to him. He's been calling lately but now with everything going on I think I just need to sort of put that on the back burner. Yes, he's not really helpful because he's really consumed in what he's doing and I never had a relationship with him where I could feel like I could talk to him about stuff like that. It's always just a sort of 'how's the weather' conversation than what I'm doing kind of thing so -

THERAPIST: Do you feel like he doesn't want that kind of relationship with you? A closer one? [00:11:08]

CLIENT: He always says that he does but it's sort of like he says that he does but then we'll talk for a little while and then he sort of disappears and it's up to me to keep up the relationship and you know, I kind of had one with him for so long that my own life gets in the way and I'm busy and I just don't have time or don't really care to sort of talk to him about that kind of stuff. I just don't really feel comfortable doing that but I don't know. It's just -I'm just not at the point with him where I want to talk to him about other things that are happening, so. I've only had my mom to talk to but now I don't have her to talk to and -

THERAPIST: Did you feel like you once did?

CLIENT: Yeah, I feel like I did and then as I've gotten older I've realized her you know, when you're younger you're a little bit more impressionable and you're a little more swayed by what your parents do and say so I didn't realize her irrationality all the time and I was getting caught in it as well and I see myself doing similar things and even yesterday trying to convey to her like, 'I see the patterns of how you act and then I act that way. And now I'm hurting people that I don't want to hurt and I'm trying to become more self-aware and more conscientious with the way I do talk to people and the way I do react in conversations and trying to be better at listening and communication and stuff that's important.' And I'm like not trying to and I said to her, you know, 'I'm not trying to blame you for me being like that but I have a lot of you in me and it doesn't help that you are yelling at me and doing all of this stuff because it doesn't open it's not very good communication and I don't know if maybe you should probably talk to your therapist about it or if you don't see it as a problem, but I do and I don't want to have the type of relationship where everything is [conplexual] (ph) like that's not okay. Of course, that made her angry. If guess if the sky was blue and pretty today she'd find some reason why it wasn't. She's just -

THERAPIST: Like she's looking for a fight? [00:14:05]

CLIENT: She is. I feel like she's always looking for drama. You know, we'll go a few months where things are good and fine and then something she will do or say something that's almost like she needs the drama in her life and I am to the point where I'm like I cannot handle it anymore. I don't want it. I just I have enough going on. I want to live my life and be happy and not always on edge and defensive and that's the way she is and I don't want to be like that. And having so much of her influence it's sort of like I was becoming that and I'm sort of I mean that I'm glad that I am aware of it now and that I can sort of self-correct before I become her exactly and then I'm sort of in denial that I do anything and she's very paranoid and she thinks everybody's after her and everybody doesn't like her and everyone in my family and she has this ongoing conflict in my family between her and her sister and it drags everybody into it and she drags me into it and they drag me into it and I'm like I don't want to be in the middle of this. I don't care if it's about me. You know, 20 years ago when something happened apparently like I don't want to be a part of it and she gets angry and, 'why are you seeing your aunt?' Or, 'why are you doing this and doing that?'

And it's hard to say like, 'well, they're my family, too, whether you have an issue with them or not. I don't.' And then she tries to say, 'well, they act this way to you and they try to control your life and they try to do this.' And for a while it was like, 'oh, maybe they are,' but they're not. They're just trying to be my aunts and trying to give me advice and trying to help me out and my mom I think is so afraid that her control is going to be taken away and her spot is going to be filled and I'm going to like them more or I'm going to like anybody more than her, that she just is trying to continue to be so controlling and being in my face about everything. And as I'm making my own decisions and she doesn't like them it's (unclear). And I feel like as time goes on if nothing is going to change with her I don't want to have to like cut off a relationship with her but I can't invite that kind of stuff into my life all the time, like I don't want to have such conflict and such drama about everything 365 days a year. I mean that's not a way to live and when I get married and have kids I don't want that for them because I definitely didn't want it and didn't realize and that was my whole entire life of just that and I don't want that. So feel bad saying like, 'I can't talk to you,' but at the same time sometimes I feel like I don't have a choice because I don't know how to convey things to her without it becoming absolutely terrible.

THERAPIST: You have a lot to be anxious about. [00:17:54]

CLIENT: So I'm very anxious about that and the lawyer stuff and having to talk to the district attorney and having to deal with all these things and I'm not really sleeping. I'm not really eating. I get sometimes here and there I wake up in the morning like my mind is just going and going and going and this morning it was just really going and I was so anxious and I had anxiety before and then it sort of went away and then it comes and goes and when I was living in Pennsylvania I went to my primary doctor and she gave me Xanax and stuff but I didn't really want to do it that way, like I don't want to take medication but sometimes it's just really that and I don't know how to sort of fix it without just doing nothing. I don't know. And so I'm just very I just feel very anxious and very stressed all the time and I don't want to feel that way.

THERAPIST: One question I have I think relates to it somewhat, is and we didn't talk about this yet, but on your intake form you said that you had been in therapy before and I was wondering about what those experiences were like.

CLIENT: I went last year not this past summer but the summer before when things were sort of dissolving with my previous boyfriend and here in New Haven because I was living in the square and I was feeling like the anxiety and all that stuff for different reasons but I was just feeling very anxious and I had anxiety and everything and she was very nice but she sort of immediately wanted me to see a psychiatrist and she wanted me to go on medication and she said I was depressed and you know, I probably was and I could be a little bit now, but my previous job before this one was guidance counselor and the last thing that I want to do is be on all these medications for all this kind of stuff and I didn't really want to go the route that she wanted me to go and I was hesitant.

I had taken Xanax before and it worked and I know if you take it as prescribed it's fine and all that stuff. But I didn't want to do it for a long period of time and I didn't want to go on anti-depressants because it take three months before it gets into your body and like then you have to keep doing it and I didn't want to do all that stuff so I mean, I sort of just stopped going and I just said, you know, 'I don't really think this is for me.' And that was it. I had been in therapy as a child. I went to therapy with my mom and that was terrible and she actually still goes to the same therapist but I mean we would go together and it was me calling my mom out and it felt like on everything because she wasn't being honest about what she was doing and it ended up being terrible fighting after we would leave the sessions and so I want to say I've had good experiences but you know, sometimes it really had been and [00:21:54]

THERAPIST: It doesn't sound like you have.

CLIENT: And when my boyfriend's been talking to me for the last year he said like, 'you really should go.' And part of me was like, 'well, I don't have health insurance so I can't afford to go,' and that was sort of my excuse but part of it was I haven't had such great experiences and I haven't either gotten anything out of it or been in there long enough to feel like I've gotten anything out of it so I just sort of gave up. But I'm kind of at the point where I just need to do something.

THERAPIST: Well, I'm glad you gave it another (unclear).

CLIENT: Yeah, I'm right I have to try anything right now and -

THERAPIST: Well let me share because you started out by saying you have this horrible anxiety and you don't know what to do. So here are a few thoughts. To put the anxiety in context you're sort of facing the potential it sounds like things are getting a little better but the potential of this loss of this incredibly important person in your life and that in itself is extremely anxiety-provoking. And the person that you first think to go to is your mother and then you get deeply disillusioned and disappointed in that but it sounds like she was your go-to person initially and now you're feeling that she's not there either and that's an extremely anxiety-provoking position and plus you're feeling isolated being here and you never really felt like a part of things here. And it also sounds like given the threat of the loss of your boyfriend it's bringing up all these issues with your mother again that kind of ebb and flow but now they're really flowing. But I imagine talking about them in here too is sort of bringing them to more of a forefront in your mind.

CLIENT: Yeah, they do, but I almost feel better that I can get it out and since like I talked to my best friend about it but she has she knows my mom so she's usually just like, 'oh, well you know, your mom she's just crazy.' And you know, my boyfriend has his own opinion about my mom so it's moot. Sometimes I feel like it's better to talk to you about it because you don't know her and most everyone else is like, 'oh, well you know how your mom is, she's like crazy.' But that doesn't help me at all. [00:24:24]

THERAPIST: You know -

CLIENT: She may be crazy but that doesn't help me communicate with her and that doesn't help me feel like I can talk to her or get my point across to her or really do anything with her except just say, 'hi,' and not feel like I'm going to get yelled at at whether I say hi correctly or not. So -

THERAPIST: Well, and it's easier from the outside. I mean she's not your boyfriend's mother and so sometimes it's hard to appreciate that even objectively you can appreciate that she can be unreliable and "crazy" but she's still your mom. And that puts you in a very complicated position. It's not like, 'oh, that's my mom.' It' much more complicated than that.

CLIENT: I think because you desperately, you know, you want the kind of mom that you can talk to without freaking out or making everything about her.

THERAPIST: Right. And it's upsetting and disappointing and you're not sure what to do about that. And then the other piece of it which you were talking about is this fear that you're going to be like her and the first session you were talking about feeling very worried about these parts of yourself that start to feel like her and not wanting to be like her and not wanting to end up like her, not wanting to treat other people the way you feel you're receiving treatment. Those are very complicated.

CLIENT: Yeah. And it does bring on all this anxiety and you know, sometimes I didn't realize like maybe it is a lot more of all this stress that is coming out and sometimes I feel like well, am I wrong? Am I perceiving things incorrectly? Like maybe she's not acting that way but you know, the more I sort of think about it, I'm not the only person who says that. I'm not the only person who I have had people, family members, say, your mom is like this, this and this, without me prompting them to say anything. So maybe I'm a little bit over-reacting, but maybe I'm not. I just think it hurts more because it's my mom and I feel like I should be able to have a relationship with her where I can call her and in a time like right now when I feel like my entire world is upside down and I'm uncomfortable and just so anxiety-ridden and she's making it so much worse than, you know. I need you one time in my life or anytime, like right now when it's really important and you can't muster up anything to be there for me and for me that just sends a very negative message and she's just like, 'but I love you and I care about you,' and I know she does but she just doesn't go about it in the right way. And I don't want to hurt her feelings and say like, I have to cut you off, but there has to be an end or something. I don't know.

THERAPIST: Well, it's deeply anxiety provoking to feel like you need something that's not there.

CLIENT: I mean, I probably really don't need her as much as I think that I do but when sometimes you just want to have some sort of conversation and you can't or when you want to you know, I do need her and she just can't, she just cannot be the supportive, go-to person for me which sucks but I guess I'm going to have to sort of come to terms with that and realize that she's never going to be that way and I can't really get terribly upset about it but just right now I am. [00:28:33]

THERAPIST: Well, because it's I mean you were already not when you called me and reached out to me when you were already not feeling great about things and then in between our making the appointment and seeing each other for the first time, this whole thing with your boyfriend occurred.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: And so I mean the threat of loss of someone who is very important to you is extremely anxiety provoking and makes you turn to the people you hope you can rely on.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I thought that I could turn to her and she did come up here and she did take a day off from work and I absolutely appreciate that I appreciate that my best friend did that and everything, but you know when she throws it in my face that she did that or just acts the way that she does then I don't ever want to ask her to come back here again because I don't want her that's not in my opinion, your family doesn't throw it in your face for doing things for you like that. They do it because they love you and it doesn't matter and they don't have to keep telling you how much they did for you because they're supposed to or something.

If the roles were reversed or it was my best friend and her mom, you know, I wouldn't go down there and my best friend hasn't yet to say anything to me like she would never say like, 'oh, like I came up there,' or, 'I did this for you.' I mean that's just how it works. Like we just do things for each other. And we don't talk about it later and we don't throw it in each other's face and even my boyfriend is the same way. He just does things for me and never once says, you know, 'well, I did this for you, so you should do something for me,' or, 'you should be grateful because I did that for you.' That's not fair. I still don't I don't know why she does that either. There's so much about her that I just I don't understand and I really don't want to be that way because I don't think it's fair to other people to be treated that way.

THERAPIST: You know what it's like.

CLIENT: And I know what it's like and I was talking to my boyfriend yesterday. We were sitting in a coffee shop and we were just sort of chatting and I said I'm really sorry for the things that I've done or said over the last year. You know, up until I guess is was probably a month or two ago was then I realized that I'd realized I had become a little bit more self-aware of how I was acting and realizing that it was the way my mom was treating me which sort of talking to him prompted me more to come here and he was like, 'you should probably go.' And I was like I realized the hurt and the pain that it causes when my mom does it to me and I don't want you to feel that way because it's a very terrible way to feel and you're just, you don't feel like that person cares about you even though they say they do. And you know, I couldn't say, 'sorry' enough to him and I just, I don't want to have to say sorry anymore for things like that. I don't want to have to apologize for being that way because I just shouldn't be that way. I should be able to communicate better and to not yell and scream, jump up and down and make everything so dramatic because it's just not. Nothing is terribly that important enough to make it so stressful and such a big deal and no one needs all that drama. And I think he was very receptive and just very happy that I'm finally realizing how much I was hurting him and he's just sort of glad that I'm here. [00:32:53]

THERAPIST: Well, in terms of like sort of specifically addressing your anxiety, I mean to me the best way is sort of the long term solution is to try to stir up the sediment and to sort of see what all this anxiety is about. And so to me that's sort of the best long-term solution and really what I offer best, too. But I want to be attentive to the fact that like if you're feeling that you're having acute symptoms now, you really want to address it more immediately we can talk about some ways to do that, too.

CLIENT: I feel like I want to address them and I would want to feel like a part of me feels like right now is going to be the worst time and right now when everything is so unknown and things are happening and like everything's like just starting to come out here and everything like now would probably be my worst time of feeling the anxiety but I want to sort of cope with it. Obviously I'm going to have to as my life goes on. Like stress is going to occur in any way, shape or form and I don't want to have to feel that anxious feeling or deal with being stressed out or anxious in a negative sort of way and I want to sort of like deal with it and address it and figure out ways to cope with it as I go along. And that way, later on I can just sort of know what I need to do and know what helps and then just sort of do it as almost second nature. But -

THERAPIST: Because you're (inaudible). [00:34:46]

CLIENT: I mean really that's sort of it and sometimes I just feel like I'm at a total loss and I have no idea what to do.

THERAPIST: Well, one thought I had (unclear) with other people it sounds like you feel that coming here is helping and also helps even in the immediacy it relieves some of the anxiety and so if you want to meet a little bit more often for the time being, if that feels that would help I'd certainly be happy to offer that to you assuming we can figure out scheduling.

CLIENT: Yeah, I was actually talking to my boyfriend yesterday and saying like maybe for the immediate time like coming twice a week or something because right now everything is just so new and fresh and I might need that and then as time goes on once a week would be fine.

THERAPIST: I see plenty of people twice a week.

CLIENT: So hopefully it would be like that was one of the things I did want to talk to about today, was maybe trying to get in twice a week instead of just once.

THERAPIST: I would be happy to do so. I know the scheduling might be a little bit tough but I'll see what I can do. Do you usually come in midday? Like is that an option for you with the kids at school?

CLIENT: Yeah, midday is probably better with the kids being in school and stuff. So around this time. As long as I'm back in Wallingford by three to pick them from school then I'm fine. On Wednesdays, Wallingford gets out of school at noon so that's really like the only day I probably couldn't do but I can make any other day work.

THERAPIST: I'll have not this week but going forward will have a Thursday time at 2:10. Or would that be enough time to get back by 3?

CLIENT: Yeah, that would, couldn't would cut it too close.

THERAPIST: Yeah, but I'll have the time before the (unclear) 1:20 time, too.

CLIENT: On a Thursday?

THERAPIST: Will that be -

CLIENT: Is that enough time?

THERAPIST: able to work? Yeah, you should get back to Wallingford by 3 because they will be like 2:05. Yeah, you'd be done by 2:05. It takes me like, at that time, like 25 minutes to get to Wallingford.

CLIENT: Okay, I think I would be able to do that possibly with (unclear). Yeah, I think that will work.

THERAPIST: Okay. It's possibly not, no there's a mid morning time Wednesday but it sounds like Wednesday is not good for you. [00:37:24]

CLIENT: Yeah, because I really only have a couple of hours in the morning and sometimes I watch another, a little baby in the morning and like I have her in the afternoons on Fridays as well so Wednesday is tough because it's crazy with having the kids all the time. I could probably definitely make the Thursday work and then you said Monday was good.

THERAPIST: This time actually is taken. The time after this is probably going to be freed up for like 11:50, 11:45-11:50.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Is that something that would work for you?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I need to confirm that. I'm not 100% sure. We'll make something work on Monday.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and then we can talk a minute about coming twice a week. It's more expensive too, so you we can talk about that as the end of the month comes closer. You know it's (unclear).

CLIENT: Oh yes.

THERAPIST: So if you want to think about that we'll talk about that piece too.

CLIENT: My boyfriend said he is willing to sort of help out a little with this if I needed it, but I'm just having to work and then I have like two other jobs that I would be doing while the kids are in school so I don't want to kind of terribly cut into those other jobs if I you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Well, and it also sort of speaks to this feeling of feeling stretched and that there's so much that's a piece of where anxiety is coming from, too, that you just have so many things you're juggling right now.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I think I'm going to talk to the one woman and just say like, 'do you think I could really sort of keep it to one day a week?' so I don't feel so stretched. I mean at one point I wasn't having these other two jobs so I had all this time during the day and I was doing stuff and then I got these other two things to do and now I really do feel stretched. I used to run and go to yoga and going to yoga was helping me sort of relieve some stress and even running and now that I'm not able to do that because I have stretched myself so thin, it's like causing more stress I guess. So I need to sort of talk to people and figure that out and just say, 'look, I have other more important things to do than working 15 hours a day.' That's what it feels like sometimes. So can probably the Thursdays will work and then we can figure out Mondays. But let's do this. I don't like feeling so anxious and I don't you know, it's to the point where I just feel nauseous sometimes and I don't want to eat and I can't sleep and I don't want to take sleeping pills and all of that stuff and I just don't want my body to have to depend on taking something to go to sleep. But -

THERAPIST: When you're feeling like that do you think you can ever tell yourself that it's going to be okay, like actually have that thought?

CLIENT: I try to sometimes but you know sometimes I get these thoughts in my head and then it just keeps going over and over and over until like if it's something that I need to hear from my boyfriend and like until he says (unclear) it just doesn't go away and I don't want it to be that way either. And he says it's almost like I'm torturing myself and it's just this over and over and over in my head and as soon as he says something or I can do whatever, the anxiety will lessen but right now it's just always there. I feel less anxious right now but at the same time like I'm sure as soon as I leave I'm going to feel anxious. So I'm just trying to find a way to deal with it.

THERAPIST: Well, like I said, I can certainly help you deal with the more long term anxiety and help that and we should continue to talk about things that maybe you could do in the short term, too.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: We're going to need to stop. I'll see you Thursday at 1:20.

CLIENT: Thursday at 1:20. Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay?

CLIENT: I will put that in my calendar and then, yeah. I was feeling like do I want to come all the way there but then you know, I was talking to one of the women I work with work for, and she said you know, 'it's probably a good idea to go to New Haven and then you're not just in Wallingford all the time in the Wallingford bubble.' Like she's saying, 'just get out and leave, right? And go.'

THERAPIST: The square is hot. I love the square.

CLIENT: You know, it's nice to get out of the -

THERAPIST: All right. Very good. I will see you on Thursday.

CLIENT: All right. Thank you.

THERAPIST: Bye.

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