TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: This is so just in case, but they know that I'm supposed to be here, so I'll put it there and they'll take care of it.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: I just wanted to talk about one of our scheduling books -

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: So I'm here in the office next week, but I'm not going to be here during our time. I have to step out for about a two-hour window, but I can see you at a different time if you want to put a different time.

CLIENT: Okay. Well, I may or may not be here anyway, so I will let you know, I guess on Thursday. I might play (inaudible at 00:00:33) or something, but I'm not sure, so I'll just let you know.

THERAPIST: Okay. Yeah, you had mentioned that.

CLIENT: I'm trying to think. So, well, I think now that we're sort of close to the whole court date on Friday is where my mind is really focusing on. Having conversations with my boyfriend, and just talking, and feeling a little bit better about being able to talk to him, and actually a lot less reserved than I have been for the last year. [00:01:11]

But this morning when we were talking he sort of wakes up every morning, and he just has the entire night of what happened runs through his head, and that happens to me, and he feels all these different emotions. And he said, "I sort of feel mad at you, but at the same time, he's like, "I have all these other feelings, and I'm scared, and I'm nervous about my job." And so I was trying to talk to him a little bit just about him being mad at me, and I think my greatest concern is him feeling resentment towards me. And I expressed that to him, and he's like, "I don't want to feel that way towards you," but he feels a little upset because I had said I don't really remember what I said that started the whole conversation and the whole argument. And I think that upsets him a lot. [00:02:23]

And we, that night, had been at his sister's and I guess when I start to drink sometimes, I can go into having almost like different moods, so maybe the anger, or anything that I feel, will sometimes come out during that time and not when I feel like I'm more me, or if maybe I'm more me then, or just more willing to talk about it. So we had been drinking a little bit, so I guess whatever it is that I said, I shouldn't have said, and as we were talking about it, I was thinking, I never would've said that now in my normal state of mind. So a lot of me is feeling like I don't want him to resent me, and I also want him to feel like but I don't want him to wake up every morning and be sad, or mad at me. And I don't want him to feel like I was lying in a sense, because he had made a comment about one thing that happened that night, and I said, "Yeah, I remember you doing that." [00:03:57]

He kind of explains it as that he had a panic attack, but he's never had one before, so he said, "I couldn't breathe, and I was sitting on the floor, and you still wouldn't let me leave," and I said, "Well, I remember you being in the mudroom on the floor," but I'm trying to convey to him I was aware of what was going on. And in the very beginning, I don't remember what I said or how everything started, but then I definitely remember everything that happened the rest of the night. And I guess in my state of just shock because it was towards the end after everything had happened that it wasn't processing in my brain that he was having a panic attack, or he was having any really trouble breathing. To me, he was just really upset, and angry, and trying to leave, and I didn't want him to leave, and I was trying to calm him down, but it wasn't really registering in my head that, oh, my god, he's having a panic attack or something. And even if it was, my first instinct wasn't to say, "Okay, leave." [00:05:19]

So I feel like I didn't want him to think this morning and I'm going to talk to him about it later to clarify, or at least try to but now I'm scared that he's going to build up this sort of resentment towards me even though he keeps saying he doesn't want to, and it's not he doesn't immediately go to being mad at me, and we have been having good conversation and being able to talk a little bit better. It's just in the morning when there's nothing else going on up there, that's the first thing he wakes up to and then he feels a certain way, and then he said it goes away, and then whatever. Which is why I was also pushing him to find someone down in Ohio to talk to regarding why he reacted the way that he did to what I said, and so that he doesn't harbor those feelings of resentment because I don't really think that it's a good relationship later on down the road if you feel resentful to me for this situation. I don't really want to be in a relationship with somebody who feels resentment towards me every day. I mean, to me that just doesn't seem very healthy. [00:06:46]

THERAPIST: What do you think made you concerned about that in particular?

CLIENT: I just his resentment?

THERAPIST: Um-hm.

CLIENT: It's not that he blames me for it, but at the same time, I feel like sometimes I blame myself for I know I've had issues, and I know I've had problems. I'm not very good when I drink, and I'm not always the most pleasant person. I do say things that I shouldn't say, and I think it's a lot of whatever feelings I'm harboring or I have inside of me, that's when, for whatever reason, I find the opportunity to say them, and in the past, it has caused some tension between us, and we've had arguments before. It's never escalated to this point, and now I almost feel guilt and blame for I've had all these warning signs that I'm not okay to drink, and I always think, okay, well, I'll just have one or two and then I'll be fine, but then it just goes from there, and I don't stop, but I function. [00:08:13]

And I feel like, too, I should know better. I was obviously a drug and alcohol counselor, so I knew the situation. I have a history of alcoholism from my dad and my mom's side of the family. My dad is a very bad alcoholic. My mom doesn't really drink. So I feel like I knew, I'd just taken it to where it is, so I know I feel like I have a little bit of guilt towards the fact that I was still doing something that I knew that I shouldn't have been doing, and it resulted in me yet again, saying stuff that I shouldn't have said, and then it escalated to here.

Granted, when I've talked to him, he says, "It's not your fault. I didn't have to react to you the way that I did. I didn't have to do the things that I did on my end," but I can still sense that it's really bothering him that I wouldn't let him leave. And he's like, "And I understand that you have these abandonment issues and people leaving is what you fear all the time, but it really got out of hand this time." So there's just a lot of different feelings going on, and I don't want to feel guilty or feel like it's my fault, but I do. [00:09:41]

And I've said I'm just not going to be drinking anymore until I feel like I can do it without having adverse effects, and not I don't have things inside of me that I feel like I need to say when it's not appropriate, or maybe I just have anger and whatever, and it comes out then instead of now. And I'm okay with that because I don't think that I'm not necessarily upset that I made that decision. I probably should have done it a long time ago, and -

THERAPIST: I'm sorry, the decision to?

CLIENT: To not drink so much, and to just yeah, basically just that decision alone. My mom basically, when she was up here, she said, "I know you were drinking, and you have to promise me that you won't anymore," and I was sort of was like, "Yeah, I promise," whatever, but the more I think about it, I'm just like I don't want to because I don't want to have any more issues, and I don't want to feel like what am I'm going to say or what am I'm going to do if I do have a couple of drinks, and it's too much. [00:11:19]

THERAPIST: What did you say to him that concerns you?

CLIENT: We were having my previous boyfriend who I moved here for -it's sort of like is something that had happened, something that's never happened between him and I, so it's kind of, I guess, from prior things. So long story short, I guess, the boyfriend that I had before, I never trusted him. I never trusted him as far as I could throw him. And I always knew I need to get out of this, I need to get out of this, but then I just stayed because I felt like, oh, well, now I'm just determined to stay. [00:12:13]

And he would talk to all these other women, and he would change their names in his phone, and they would be his brother or some other guy, or he would just blatantly be talking to them, so I developed this paranoia about what he was doing on his phone, and who he was texting, and who he was calling and e-mailing, and wanting to always be super nosey about it. And when I started dating Kevin well, when we first started talking, I explained all of this stuff to him, like Adam was this way, and I'm sorry, I'm going to be trusting of you and not just assume that everybody does this thing. And so when we were at his sister's not the night that it happened, but the previous night for his entire family gets together for Christmas the weekend after because they come from different states. He has five brothers and sisters, so they all got together and we were all there. And he was on his phone, and I happened to glance over, and it was a girl, and I had never heard of her before. [00:13:43]

So immediately in my head, despite the fact that he has never given me any reason to question what he does, and I went right back to those feelings that I had felt when I was with Adam, and him constantly making contact with anyone that would give him the attention, and make him feel like he was still wanted, and any woman that would possibly even talk to him, he was constantly doing that. And I didn't say anything while we were at his sister's, and I'm like I'm not going to overreact right now, and he had his phone downstairs, and I did look at his phone, and I immediately just felt very guilty about it, and it was just a they didn't even say anything. She just said hi, and he said hi, and she asked if he was in Connecticut, and basically he said yes, and that was the extent of the conversation. [00:14:53]

So that night, we went up to bed, and I was just laying there, and then all of the thoughts of Adam, and how I felt at that time when I knew that he was doing something, and I knew he was doing something that he shouldn't be doing, and talking to people, and they were just coming back into my mind. And Kevin was like, "Are you okay?" And I finally just said, "Who is Amanda?" and he was like, "What?" And I said, "I noticed earlier that you were talking to her," and he said, "Oh, she's my friend from Montana. We've been friends for seven years, and I said hi to her. I say Merry Christmas to her, and that was it, and then she just, whatever, said hi to me. She's in the airport going wherever it is that she's going," and I'm like, okay. [00:15:55]

And then he immediately was and I start to explain to him, "I'm sorry, I'm not really accusing you of doing anything. I just question it, and I get a little leery based upon previous things. I know that you're not him, but sometimes you just can't help having all of those feelings and emotions coming back because I would say that maybe I really didn't have a chance to deal with them after everything happened." And he was very understanding. He's like, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you. Nothing. She lives in Montana. We've been friends. It's Merry Christmas, how are you, whatever." And I was like, okay. [00:16:42]

And then I sort of let it go, and then the next day, the thoughts kept coming back, and I felt like they were torturing me, just kept coming into my head, and I'm like, why can't I get these thoughts out. And I remember all of the justifications that Adam would give me about why he was talking to someone, or whatever. It was just anything and everything that you could possibly think of as to why. He would just manipulate to make sure that I got it, and so I always felt I talked to him again, and he was like, "I'm really sorry. You really don't have anything to worry about. It's completely my fault for not telling you. I should've just told you. I didn't even think of it because I never talked to her. We've never had this issue. You've never brought it up," whatever. So I'm like, okay, and he's like, "I want to be with you," went through the whole conversation because I was used to when things were going so well between Adam and I, that's when he would reach out to other people the most. And Kevin and I were having some tension, and I wasn't liking it here, and just a lot of different things going on, so I probably wasn't always as pleasant, and I was snappy with him, and we were having arguments. [00:18:23]

So then it brought it to my attention, oh, no, are you going to leave too because things aren't going well, and I'm being a certain way. And am I being too hard on you, and am I being too snappy when I really don't need to be. And are you going to leave, and are you going to find someone else. And I explained all of this to him, and he was very understanding, and he's like, "No, I'm not going to leave." He's like, "Please, you have to get her out of your head because she's not a concern at all." Okay. And so I felt better after that. And we went to his sister's again, and we were drinking a little bit and just talking, and then by the time we got home, I guess whatever I still felt he said I said something to him about erasing call logs, and that's what put him over the edge. Because before, I was very used to things being deleted from his phone, just all this stuff, and me knowing that that's what he was doing because he was still married and so he was doing the same thing with me. [00:19:43]

And so I was just like, "I know what you do to get around other people seeing it because you do it now, and even though you feed me a bunch of crap, I guess, about the situation," and so that's what set him off. And because what set him off is his fianc� from it was five years ago Bethany, who I don't really know too much about. He has given me a brief overview, but she would accuse him of doing that. She would make him open his e-mail, and she would make him show her things, and he wasn't allowed to even look at another woman without her freaking out or explaining things, and just random things that she was constantly berating him about because a previous relationship of hers she had, I guess the same situation of being cheated on I don't know. And he said, "You saying that, because she used to say that to me all the time just triggered it felt like she was saying it to me again," and he's like, "I've never felt that way before." So I think that was when he was like, "I think I need to go address things that maybe I thought were over with, but given the situation, they're not." So what were we talking about? [00:21:22]

THERAPIST: I was asking what -

CLIENT: Oh, you asked me why is it that I felt like I was (crosstalk).

THERAPIST: No, no, no. Well, what you said to him that you felt so bad about.

CLIENT: I think just saying that in general, and just the fact that how could I not remember. The not remembering part is what really frustrates me and bothers me because there will be a period of time where I'm just out of it and I don't remember, and then I snap back into it, and I'm like, this is just not okay. And it happens more often than not, and I don't really want to be that kind of person where I can't go out and enjoy having a drink or two because it goes too far, and then I say things that I would never actually say, but just because of whatever reason, I happen to say them. I mean, there have been many of times when he's said, "You said this or you said that," and the next day, I'm like, what? That doesn't even make sense, or I don't even feel that way. Why would I say that? And so now, I do feel this guilt about drinking too much and then saying things that I shouldn't say, and I don't want him to resent me for that. [00:22:53]

And so now I'm at this point where I'm like, I don't want to constantly live in fear of him resenting me, but at the same time, it's on my mind a lot, and when he continues to say, "I'm mad at you because you don't remember, or I'm mad at you because you wouldn't let me leave because you have such issues of abandonment, that's not okay. You can't keep somebody so close, and yet so far away, and not let them leave." And I keep apologizing, but I mean, how often can you say you're sorry before it really doesn't mean anything anymore. I've said before in the past, I don't want to have to say I'm sorry to you for things. I want to live my life and not feel like I'm constantly screwing up whatever because of my own insecurities, and then having to backpedal and apologize, and say I'm sorry that I said this, or I'm sorry that I did this, because it's not appropriate, and it was mean, or it was wrong, or whatever. I just want to be comfortable in my own skin enough to just not have to say that, and I guess that's probably part of the reason why I'm here. (chuckle) [00:24:21]

THERAPIST: Well, it seems like I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt.

CLIENT: That's it.

THERAPIST: It seems like part of your worry is ending up feeling like you felt with your mother. You're always doing something wrong, feeling badly, feeling guilty.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean I do feel like I do have that insecurity that I am doing something wrong. And I know that there are times when I react to a certain way and I say things that I shouldn't necessarily be saying, and I should be conveying if I am feeling a certain way about something. Having a few drinks and then saying it in an inappropriate manner whereas just being able to talk about it before it's actually still inside stewing in there and then it comes out the wrong way, I would much rather be able to feel comfortable enough to say it and get it out and over with, and that way it doesn't end up in the wrong situation, I guess, and I think that's what I end up doing. [00:25:41]

Something will bother me and then I don't feel comfortable talking about it, and then it just stays in there, and then when I've had something to drink and my inhibitions, I guess, are lowered and my filter is lowered, then I just say whatever it is, appropriate or not. And I know that that's not okay, so making the conscious decision not to drink is part of not saying and not having that situation to deal with, but it's also I'm still struggling with being able to talk to people without feeling judged, or insecure, or stuff like that. [00:26:35]

THERAPIST: Because I was going to ask why it is hard for you to say what's bothering you.

CLIENT: Yeah, I guess a lot of the times I feel like if I say, well, this is bothering me, is it going to end up or am I'm going to be told that I'm ridiculous because I've heard that many of times, and even Kevin has said it to me, like, "You're being ridiculous." And I have recently said to him, "The reason why I get afraid of saying stuff to you is because I don't want to hear why I'm upset is because I'm just ridiculous." And we've talked about that, and he corrected the way he reacts to things, but I'm still just not fully comfortable saying whatever, and fearing, okay, well, if I say this, are you going to leave, or are you going to make fun of me. Are you going to judge me, anything like that as to why sometimes I don't like saying stuff to people. [00:27:48]

And I haven't really figured out where exactly that comes from. I think it has a lot to do with not feeling like I could talk to my mom and her reactions to stuff. So I'm trying to be a little bit more comfortable, and we may not always if I talk to Kevin and say such and such is bothering me, he may not always agree, or he may not always feel the same way, but he's not just going to up and leave or tell me I'm being stupid, or anything like that. And it still goes through my head, and I get nervous.

THERAPIST: That what you say won't be received, or will be ill-received? [00:28:43]

CLIENT: Yeah. And then it's sort of like sometimes I feel, too, if I talk or something is bothering me, it's sometimes it's like a catch-22. If something is bothering me, and it really is fairly insignificant, like maybe somebody said something and it irritated me because I feel like sometimes I'm on a hair trigger, but I don't know if that's just because I'm not completely happy with where I am right now, so sometimes everything just irritates me. And so when something bothers me, there are times when I need to mull it around in my head, and then I'm like, okay, well, this is really insignificant. It doesn't really matter. I probably don't really need to be irritated by it, or whatever. [00:29:45]

And then sometimes if I'm irritated by something, it just continues to sit in there, and then instead of me saying this is really bothering me, it comes out later when I'm yelling about something else that possibly could have bothered me, and then it builds up, I guess, and then it always comes out in the complete wrong way. And then I feel like it's a vicious cycle because then I'm saying whatever if it is that I'm feeling, but I'm doing it in the completely wrong way, which is pushing whomever even further away because now I'm just yelling and going off about nothing that is terribly important. [00:30:38]

And if it's Kevin, he doesn't want to talk to me, and he doesn't want to be around me or it makes things between us tense because I can't just say what's bothering me. I have to let it sit, and stew, and then I explode and yell about it, and then it becomes almost like a vicious cycle of not wanting to make him go away, but then I don't feel comfortable telling anybody what's bothering me, and then it's around and around. And part of it is I don't like conflict, but then on the other hand, you would think that I did because of the way I express myself is by yelling, and that's really all my mom has ever done with me. It's that's just how she expresses how she feels. She just yells, and it's always bothered me. I mean, she did that when I talked to her two Sunday's ago. I mean, it's all she her immediate thing was defensiveness and yelling, and I see myself acting the same way. So I don't want to blame her, but more of her things are rubbing off on me than I really realized. [00:32:09]

THERAPIST: Well, and when you feel that you're acting in any way like her, really worries you. It scares you.

CLIENT: Yeah. And then it starts to bother me even more, and then I just feel guilty, and then I feel angry at her, and resentful that, my god, now I'm acting like you and I'm ruining relationships that I shouldn't be ruining, and I'm getting angry at things that are just so insignificant and silly. And I have no reason to be.

THERAPIST: Well, I was thinking that when you just said resentment, and that's how you started, that I wonder whether you worry your boyfriend Kevin will feel towards you that you feel toward your mother. But you do feel resentful of some things about her. You're worried that he's going to feel that way about you.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I do because the more I think about it and the more I realize everything that's happening, I do feel resentful to her, and now I feel like is he going to start feeling the same way, and I'm fairly scared of that. I don't want him to feel that way towards me. I'm sure my mom doesn't want me to resent her. And I don't want him to blame me for things happening, even though I do feel like I take a lot of the blame for how our relationship has gone, and me putting up this wall of not feeling like I can talk to people, or say when things are bothering me, which has caused tension because then I just yell and, or say things at the wrong time when I've had too much to drink, or something along that line. [00:34:01]

And so I guess the way I'm feeling now is the way I am scared that he's going to feel later, and it's just not a good feeling, and then I'm scared like, okay, well, if he's going to feel like that, then there he goes again. He's going to leave, and it's my fault because I did and said things that I shouldn't have said and couldn't control. I mean, I guess I could control it, but at the same time, it almost feels like I can't sometimes, and that's frustrating, too. I feel like I beat myself up a little bit too much, but at the same time, I just feel guilty, and I don't want to have feelings of guilt, and just scared that he's always is he going to leave, is he going to resent me, is he going to hate me, anything like that. So it's kind of where I am right now, I guess. [00:35:26]

THERAPIST: Well, it's a bad paring to be very worried about people leaving you and then also feeling like you have the ability to push people away.

CLIENT: Yeah, because I feel like it's this vicious cycle. I try to keep him closer, but the more I try to do that, the more it's hurting the situation. The night that we had our fight, I didn't want him to leave, and I was so afraid of him leaving, and then what if I let him leave and all he wanted to do was just go for a walk and leave, but because of my insecurities and people always leaving, or shutting me out, I was scared that yet again, he was going to, and that caused a whole situation that really didn't even need to happen. And I feel a little guilty that I haven't dealt with those feelings of abandonment for after 28 years of whatever. [00:36:31]

I mean, I assume part of it probably has to start with the fact that my parents got divorced, and I never felt like I could depend on my dad, and then it just my mom wasn't around too much when I was younger, and then her kicking me out not even five years ago or however long it was still sticks in my mind. And even after she came up here and then two Sundays ago when I tried to have the conversation with her, "I don't want you to yell at me, I don't want you to act like that. I'm okay," and she has yet to call me since that happened. She sent me a box, and then I did text her she texted me on Friday that she sent me something and just said I hope you're feeling okay, have a good weekend. And then I texted her yesterday because she took I went to the mall because I needed some pants for court on Friday, and as I'm there, I realize half of my dress well, all of my dressier clothes, she took when she was here and made me pack them up and said, "Oh, well, you'll be home anyway." [00:37:53]

And even though I tried to explain to her I'm not leaving, and she did ask me again when we got to the airport, "Do you want me to take them?" and I just said yes. And then it was something as simple as the fact that some shirts that I need are there, and I was in the mall getting so frustrated, so angry feeling like yet again, she just takes my clothes, and takes control, and says this is what I'm doing even though I didn't really want her to, but then feeling angry at myself because I let her, and I should've said no, just leave them. And so I texted her yesterday and said, "Could you please send me two shirts that I had because I need them." And I'm not going to go out and buy duplicates of things that I already have, and I'll go out and buy pants because I don't have any pants that fit. [00:38:57]

It was just I had to leave the mall because I was getting so frustrated and so angry, and it was just building up, and I left and just tried to take a deep breath, and was like, I can't get so worked up about it, but it just feels like sometimes it's never ending, the control aspect that she needs to have, and then it was like pack up your clothes, and I'm taking them, and whatever. I'm sort of over it now, but it really made me angry yesterday, and I was like this should probably should not be making me this frustrated and so angry about it, but [00:39:40]

THERAPIST: Why not? Why shouldn't it?

CLIENT: Because it seemed pretty insignificant. I mean, it's fairly easy for me to go out. I mean, I needed a pair of black pants because I don't have any that fit anyway, so I mean, and I guess I was at the store and none of the pants were fitting correctly that I wanted. So it was a combination of that, too, and then feeling like I don't know what to wear to court on Friday, even though I shouldn't really be worried about what I'm wearing, but after asking people, they're like they aren't supposed to take into account what you wear, but they do. And no failing concern, like I don't want them to think that we're some just trashy people walking in in our jeans and t-shirts. I wanted to present ourselves as being fairly, I guess, normal people who this doesn't happen to all the time. [00:40:42]

And so then I'm frustrated about what I'm wearing, and just getting angry about it, and finally, I was just like, I have to leave, and so I left and I was okay after that, but it just seemed at the time, it was me. And I was sort of even feeling at the time, because I called Kevin on the phone, he's like, "Are you okay?" and I said, "I'm feeling so frustrated because I can't even find something to wear, and I'm getting frustrated because my mom took my clothes that I know that I have, and I should be able to just pull it out of my closet and say this is what I'm wearing, but instead, now a quarter of my clothes are in Pennsylvania when I didn't want them to be there. And I just need to find a pair of black pants." But in the last so many months I've lost so much weight that I've gone down two pants sizes so none of my dress clothes that I had before could I even make work. And so it was just a combination of feeling a whole lot of frustration, and I said to him, "I'm actually starting to annoy myself because I'm getting frustrated at something that I don't think is all that significant, but some part of me sees it as yet again, my mom doing her whole controlling thing and taking my stuff when I didn't want her to. [00:42:10]

And so I did eventually just text her and say could you send me some shirts? And she was very just, "Yes, what do you want?" and not very receptive, and she just said yes, okay, whatever, and I know I tried to made sure that I said please and thank you, and I appreciate it, and whatever else. And I was talking to my best friend, and I said, "Oh, yeah, my mom said she was going to send me these two shirts so I could figure out which one I wanted to wear," and she's like, "Oh, that's funny because your mom when we were at the airport kept saying 'I'm not going to send her any of these clothes no matter what. She needs to come home,' and she's like, and now she's sending them to you." I'm like, well, I need them. They're my clothes. I need to wear something for court, and I made it clear that I wasn't going out and buying another button-down white collared shirt. I don't need 15 of them, so could she just please send it to me, and she said that she was. But I just thought it funny that my mom's like, "I'm not sending her these things, and she's not getting these clothes back because she needs to come home and be here," and that sort of she just told me that today, so it was like, really. It feels like it's just never-ending talking. [00:43:40]

THERAPIST: So you feel that you shouldn't feel infuriated about your mom feeling entitled to strip you of your free will and autonomy.

CLIENT: I mean, I guess I should. I guess I have every right to be angry and mad about it, but I don't know. At the time, it was like, okay, well, I'm getting angry because I can't find any pants, and I had been in the dressing room 15 times, and all of the pants at the store were, you know, one of them wasn't fitting right, and I was getting frustrated, and they were really busy. And then the more I started to think about it, I'm like, I'm just really getting mad because my mom took my clothes, and I shouldn't have to be out here spending three hours at the mall looking for something to wear when I have so many clothes, I mean, that I don't need to buy any more clothes. So then it was frustrating about that, and then it went more into the fact, like, she took my clothes and I didn't want her to, and she didn't need to sort of thing, so I talked myself out of being extremely angry, and it's fine, just relax. Just pick up a pair of pants. She'll send you the shirt. It'll be fine, and I kind of relaxed a little bit. It still made me angry. [00:45:09]

THERAPIST: It upsets you when you have really strong, intense feelings.

CLIENT: Yes. I feel like, I don't know, almost like I shouldn't have such strong and intense feelings, or maybe they're just not warranted, or something. I mean, I don't know if it's from making it known to whomever my mom that I have such strong feelings, and then being told, "Well, that's stupid. Why do you have those feelings?" I haven't really figured that out yet, but I do feel like I'm beating myself up a little bit when I have such strong and intense feelings. I'm not allowed to have them.

THERAPIST: You do. You do. You know, and we need to stop for today.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Okay? I'll see you on Thursday.

CLIENT: Yes, 1:20, right?

THERAPIST: Yep, you got it.

CLIENT: Okay.

THERAPIST: Have a good rest of the day.

CLIENT: Thank you.

THERAPIST: Okay, take care. [00:46:17]

END TRANSCRIPT