TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So I'm going to try not to cry the whole session. But Kevin (sp?) and I broke up over the weekend. (pause) We talked Thursday night. (inaudible at 00:00:23) talked Thursday night and he just... I had said that he was really angry and stuff over the last week or so. And I kind of said something to him and we started to talk a little bit Thursday night. And I just said, "I don't think it's really fair that you're kind of being nasty and sort of yelling at me and being defensive and passive aggressive these past few days." [00:00:59]

And he agreed and we kind of went back and forth about just everything going on. And I said, "It's not fair for me to feel like I have to wait for you to kind of get through this. And I said I would be supportive and try to be as sympathetic as I possibly could. And he said, "I understand." And then he basically was, "Well, I'll call you. I just need a few days and then I'll call you this weekend."

So on Friday I was over talking to the lady that I sort of work for but not my actual (inaudible at 00:01:58) job but the... I watch her little one and I've become fairly good friends with her and she's been pretty supportive through all this and everything. So I was over there talking to her and sort of just telling her what was going on.

And initially Kevin (sp?) said, "I really want to hit the pause button and sort of not really think about our relationship and focus on the legal matters and what was happening." And we kind of didn't necessarily follow through with that in the last month. And in talking to her, she said, "Well, why don't you try to be the one to make a decision." Because I've always been the one that just didn't make the decisions and just kind of went along with whatever was going on. And he would always say stuff to me like, "You can't make decisions. You're so indecisive. You're so scared to just make a decision and speak up." [00:03:02]

So she said, "Why don't you just be the one to say, 'Look, let's hit the pause button like we've been talking about because we haven't done that.' And just call him. Say, 'I'm not going to wait for you to call me.' And sort of just make the decision and that's probably the best thing. And what do you think?" And I was like, "I think over the last few days last week I was thinking like it's not going to work out if he's sort of mad at me all the time and sort of putting the blame on me. And being just defensive and angry at everything that I say when before Monday night, he hadn't been like that." And so he was busy Friday night. So I called him on Saturday morning. [00:03:59]

And we had this long talk and he's like, "Well, my feelings have changed and I don't think that I can be in this relationship with you and trying to figure out what's going on." So we went back and forth for an hour and a half. And he just was like, "I can't do this. So I mean there's not really... I can't change the way that he feels. And I can't make him feel a different way. And I didn't really know what else to say anymore. It was just like, "OK." And I was crying and I was really upset. And I'm like, "I don't understand why you were so nice and so fine this past weekend. And now all of a sudden you've been just nasty and angry and you don't think that us being together is helping." And even if we just do what he initially wanted to do which was emotionally put our relationship on hold, get through the legal things and then talk about it later. And we hadn't done that and I was trying to acknowledge that we hadn't done that. [00:05:07]

And it was both of our faults. And we should just sort of not talk until court in March. And maybe get our heads together and just give him some space and we can both have the space that we need and haven't had. So he didn't think that was... suddenly now that's not a good idea and he doesn't want to do that. So I just said, "OK."

And then yesterday... so I've sort of just... like I can't be in the house that I'm living in right now. I just I'm not very close with the people that I work for. I mean, yes and no. But I'm just... there's also like employer and employee... I'm just not close with them. [00:06:09] I don't feel fairly comfortable all the time when I'm there and just being there sort of reminds me of everything that happened then that night between Kevin (sp?) and I. Just walking up and down the stairs and just... I just don't like being there.

So have talked to Miranda (sp?) is her name. And she said, "Well, why don't you come over to our house?" So I sort of left Saturday afternoon and I went and stayed at her house Saturday into last night. And then I finally went home. And I just walked back in there and I don't want to be there at all. It just makes me so unhappy and so miserable and I don't have any desire to be there. I don't want to work for them anymore. [00:07:03] I don't really even want to converse with them.

And I felt like that for a while but I think it's just getting worse, especially now with everything happening and just feeling like I absolutely don't want to be there. It's like would even be more willing to just sort of... and Miranda (sp?) was like, "Well, you can just live here." But I know I couldn't... I just don't think I can do that to the people that I work for and say, "Hey, I'm going to go live with these people but I'll still work for you until June." But at the same time, I'm like I need to do what's right for myself because I'm not... I'm just so unhappy there. And they really only care about whether I'm going to be there to take care of the kids. I mean, they... I know that if I said something to them tonight, like, "I need to move back to Pennsylvania," or "I need to move or do something." [0:07:59]

I understand that I wouldn't put them in a position where I would do it right away. But at the same time, I tried to tell them that I wanted to leave before and they sort of just wouldn't let me. And I went along with it and agreed to stay until June. And I'm just getting more and more miserable being there. And I'm not necessarily stuck because I know I can just move back to Pennsylvania. And I should just say to them, "I'm not happy here," and just be honest with them. But it's hard because I don't want to make waves and upset them or... it's not them personally. But it's just everything going on so...

THERAPIST: What's the connection between...? I know you've been unhappy there for a while but in terms of breaking up with Kevin (sp?) and being there?

CLIENT: I think just being... everything happened... that everything that happened on December 30th the whole fight situation I mean, it happened there. [00:09:09] And I just... every time I'm in the house, I'm just constantly reminded of it. And I feel much more lonely when I'm there because I'm just upstairs on the third floor. And I have my own bathroom and my own bedroom and my TV and that's great. But then I just feel so isolated up there. And I don't really want to come down on the weekends or after they come home from work, all I want to do is just go upstairs and not talk to them or leave. And go talk to anybody else in the world. Like just talk to some random person on the street over feeling like I want to be there and talk to them. And I was trying to explain that to Miranda (sp?) last night because I had gone with them to a party. And she was like, "What is it about them that you just don't feel comfortable?" [00:10:04]

And I'm like, "I can't put my finger on it but there's just something I don't know. There's just something about being there that makes me incredibly miserable. And I don't know if it's like been over time of just really not wanting to be there and feeling like I'm stuck there. And just building up this dislike for the situation or what, I don't know." But I can't express to anyone enough how much I don't like being there. And I feel that. But I don't want to... I just don't really even want to deal with... I'm at a point right now where I don't really even want to put a happy face for anybody. I don't want to have to pretend like everything is fine. And I have to do that for the kids because they know and they pick up on it. And it's like so forced. And even just having to do that sort of annoys me. It shouldn't but it does. [00:11:05]

I just don't even want to... because I pick them up and then we're just home. And I'm just in that house all the time because they have homework to do and they have a routine that we have to stay in. And if we're out, it's because they have an activity or whatever. But we're just there. I'm always there and it's just frustrating. And when I broke up with Adam (sp?) when I first moved here and I was at their house and it was like going through all of that and I was at the house. And having to deal and having to put on a happy face at that point in time. And Chloe (sp?), the little one, who is five when I first started going there, she knew. And there's a few times when she was like, "You look like you're going to cry. Are you OK?" And she's five and they pick up on that stuff so easily. They know. [00:12:02]

And I'm like just having to sort of explain things and I don't want to or I don't really need to but I just feel like that house is just cursed. So I'm just not happy being there. And like this morning, if I could just lie in bed all day and be depressed, I would. And I know I can't do that. But I feel like sometimes I need a job that's a little bit more distracting, too. Because yea, I'm working but I'm taking care of the kids and I'm home. I'm in the house. I don't get to go get up and go through the routine of getting ready for work every day. I get up and I take a shower and I walk 20 stairs to my job. And it doesn't change. And I leave when I come here, I leave when I go to yoga and I leave when I go for a run or take Duffy (sp?) for a walk or yea, that's it. [00:13:05] So it's just like constantly being there. And I...

THERAPIST: It sounds like you feel trapped.

CLIENT: I do. And I don't know if a part of me feels even more trapped because I tried in September to say to them, "I need to move back to Pennsylvania. I need to go back to work and get a full-time job. Finish getting my certification. I've worked really hard at getting my degree. I have that and I'm living in your was not, even remotely, was never on my scope of things to do in my life. And I know things happen and it just happened that way. But I want to go back to work and sort of feel like I'm being a productive member of society. [00:14:01]

Because right now I just feel like I'm getting paid to really do nothing. And free time is great because now I can go to yoga and go for runs during the day when I most want to. But I was fine doing that before and after work when I worked a full-time job and working around all that stuff. But I just feel like then I tried to say that and they were like, "No, no, no, no, no. Please don't leave. And you can bring Duffy (sp?) up here. And we'll pay for you to take classes online so you can finish your certification," which has never happened. And I caved because they let me bring the dog up here and said all this stuff. And then like now I'm still here. And I never have left and then they got me to agree to leave in June. And that was fine. [00:15:01] But it was like the more time that goes on, the more I just don't want to be there.

THERAPIST: Well, it sounds like you're starting to resent it.

CLIENT: Yea, a little bit. And I'm sort of just looking for any way to not be around them. And I don't want to have to go upstairs and sit in my room and watch TV and do nothing from 6:30 at night until I go to sleep, if I ever. I don't have very good sleep patterns as it is. So I'm just sort of sitting up there. And I don't like it. When my mind isn't occupied and I have people to talk to or something, I feel better. But I don't even want to occupy my mind by just talking to them which bothers me. And not knowing why sort of bothers me even more. [00:16:01]

But I don't know. And now everything happening with Kevin (sp?) and I tried to... so I was Miranda's (sp?) on Sunday and she and her husband are very nice. And they have two kids and I watch the baby. And their older one is in the same grade as my little one that I watch so they're friends. And I've stayed at their house before and so being there sort of keeps my mind occupied. Because I feel like she's more of on the friend level that I can talk to and less of like she's my boss kind of thing. Yea, I watch the baby but it's a little bit different. She's a little bit more lax about stuff and it's not I don't know to me, it just feels different. And even she says, she's like, "You're more of a friend now than anything else." And she and I went to yoga and I just sort of hung out. [00:17:02] And we went to a party last night and I was fine.

And my mom, she always somehow weasels her way into make my life difficult but... so she... my mom last year last summer-ish it was before I got Duffy (sp?), I had gone home to Pennsylvania. And she was living... I was living with my ex at the time. And I went home and she needed to go for shots. And she had stuff... she needed medicine, whatever. So we took her to the vet and my mom paid for it. And it was like $400 and whatever and then my mom at another point in time or at the same time or something she had brakes put on my car. I went there and I had dropped my car off... I don't remember when it was. [00:18:01] But she had brakes put on my car and that was like $400, too.

And I was like whoa. I didn't initially pay her back and then I sort of forgot about it. And like everything going on, like I just... so she, of course, e-mailed me yesterday wanting to know how I was going to repay her the $800 that I owed her saying, "Oh well, you can give me $100 a month." And I'm like I don't want to drag that out. And so that's sort of in my mind. I was trying to go through all my finances and stuff. And Kevin (sp?) was sort of a huge help in where if I needed money or something, he was willing to sort of give me money when I needed it. And now I'm obviously cut off from that. So I'm sort of scrambling to make sure that I can pay all my bills and do all my... all the stuff. [00:18:59]

And then I was sort of wondering he owes me money for paying for the lawyer for the last... well, we were just out of court. And I owe him money because he paid my credit cards off when I had to use them after I broke up with Adam (sp?) when I moved here. And so it's this whole big sort of financial thing which also causes me more stress because if I don't have money to pay for stuff and my... whatever, then I get even more stressed out. And I texted him yesterday after my mom e-mailed me. And I just said, "I need to talk to you." And he said, "About what?" And I said, "Just finances." And I really just wanted to ask him like, "When can you send me the money that you owe me and two, am I going to need to pay for my own lawyer come March 22nd? Because if that's the case, then I'm going to have to figure out how between now and March 22nd I'm going to gather a couple thousand dollars together to pay." [00:20:02]

And he sort of just went off on me about not giving him space and it was just this long back and forth texting war. And I was just like this is not what I intended. I wanted to ask you two questions one simple question, that was it. And he's like, "You don't know how to give people space. I asked you on Thursday for a few days of space. And you had to call me yesterday when I was going to call you today. And it's always your priorities and what you want is more important." And it was just sort of back and forth. I'm like, "That's not I intended. I was trying to be decisive and make a decision on Saturday. And that's why I maybe took the initiative to call. Sorry that you think that I'm infringing on your space and your time and whatever. And I'm sorry if you think that I'm trying to do that now." But he was very cold and almost like very heartless on Saturday when we were on the phone. [00:21:04]

And if he could tell that I was extremely upset and just sort of baffled as to how he could go from one extreme of being fine and nice to completely being just angry. And when I was talking to a girl who watched Duffy (sp?) when I was there last weekend and we've kind of become friends and we went out to dinner on Saturday. She was like, "I feel... it seems like he's like going... almost going through like the stages of grief sort of thing where I guess it's... denial is first and then anger, sadness and acceptance." So the last few weeks, he's been just in denial and hadn't said anything. And then all of a sudden now he's like moved to the anger phase and he's just angry all the time. I'm like, well, if that's true and that's what he's moving towards, I hope he gets out of the anger phase soon because it's just not fair. [00:22:02]

And he's just sort of like yelling at me and he... yesterday and on and on and on. And I kept trying to say like, "OK. Bye. Here's your space. Sorry." And then he's yelling saying, "You don't have to be snarky and you don't have to be defensive." And I'm thinking... and I want to say, well, how do you think I feel because you've been that way for the last week? All you have been to me is snarky and defensive and just nasty. And I... as soon as he got on my case about not giving him space, I sort of just said like, "OK. Bye. Then I'll talk to you at a later date about finances. We don't have to do it now but in my head, I just... like I don't want to leave things open. If he's so set on us not being together and he's like, "It's just not going to work and we can't be in this relationship. And I want to say that I want this to work but I just can't. And I don't feel optimistic." [00:23:03]

He's completely changed his entire mentality towards the whole thing in a matter of three days. And I don't know what happened or anything. But I'm just... I just wanted to sort of like sort things out and be done with it. And say, OK then. I don't need to talk to you. I can try to like pick up the pieces of what I have left and move on. And he... it's like he's just sort of like holding on or I don't know because he's so set against us ever being together again. And we just sort of ended the conversation yesterday. But he was throwing things in my face about having stuff there because I tried to ask him on Saturday, "I have a lot of stuff there." [00:24:00]

And he said yesterday making the point about me apparently not being able to give people space or him space that before December 30th when we had... we were in Ohio right after Christmas, we went from Pennsylvania to Ohio for a few days. And we had... I had driven from here to Pennsylvania because I had Duffy (sp?) in my presence and all that stuff. So I had a lot of stuff in my car. And when we went to Ohio, I had taken a lot of my stuff out. And I had packed a bag of stuff specifically to leave there in Ohio because I had stuff in... it was basically what I had in Maine and I was just taking it to Ohio. And he had let me leave stuff there. I had my own bathroom in Maine and there was in the spare room I had all my clothes in the drawers and stuff. And I just assumed like for traveling purposes, it's easier. I mean, I went from being able to drive there to now only being able to get on a plane once a month. [00:25:05] I only have a certain amount of space to pack stuff in.

So he had said to me when we were there in December, "Maybe you shouldn't leave stuff here." And our relationship was sort of tense at the time but we had agreed to sort of work on it and really try and whatever. And I sort of... he says that I've got... hadn't really been... thought that meant more than it did. But I was sort of confused. Like, "I just want to leave it here for the fact that I'm traveling so much and it's just easier. I don't have to pack a million things. I can pack one small bag of the clothes that I need. But I don't even really need that much. I can just get on the plane." And I said that to him. And he was like, "OK. I understand. That makes sense." And then so I left stuff there. [00:25:59]

And now he's saying... he said yesterday like, "Now you have all this stuff here and I tried to ask you for space but you couldn't even do that then. And I'm like, "Well, that was even before December 30th ever happened. And if you really, truly didn't want me to leave stuff there and you're just saying that you gave in, you probably should've really just said and been a little bit more forceful. And actually had a conversation with me about it instead of just giving in and not really having a reason or whatever. And saying, 'Oh fine, just leave stuff here,' if you truly didn't want me to." And I said that to him.

And then... and I'm like, "We're not talking about what I wanted to talk about. I did not text you to have the full on conversation about our relationship and things that have already happened. I just wanted to know about the financial stuff." And he's like, "Well, I'll send you the money that I owe you and then you can pay your mom back. And you can pay me back whenever you feel like it." OK. [00:27:00]

But then he just kept going with the text messaging back and forth and I suppose I could just not answer him. But I'm not the one that really wanted to break up anyway. So I guess I'm really at the point of not wanting to talk to him. But the conversation ended and I was like, OK, well then I'm just... I'm not going make contact with him. I'm just going let it go and I'll see him in court on March 22nd." He knows I'm still going to go through with whatever we agreed legally because I, obviously, don't want anything to happen to him. But then he texted me this morning and I didn't answer. And I was having coffee with my friend Brittany (sp?) before I came here. And we were talking and he texted me and said, "I feel terrible. I'm so sorry. I'm just trying to do the right thing. I'm trying so hard to do the right thing even if it means us not being together." That's all he said. [00:28:00]

So it wasn't a question. And I guess it doesn't warrant a response. I don't really know. It's frustrating because if you don't want to be together and you don't want to talk and you need space, then stop texting me. Or just leave me alone kind of thing. And I'm trying really hard to kind of deal with it being over. I mean, even on Saturday he's like, "You have to let go. You have to let go. I know you don't want to." I mean, he was just so different about it than he has been in the past. And I'm trying to sort of just keep my mind busy and not really think about it. But I don't know why he just leaves me alone kind of thing. And with all my stuff being there, I said to him on Saturday, "How do you want me to get my stuff? Do you want to send it to me? Do you want me to come get it? What?" [00:29:06]

And he's like, "Well, it's not bothering me. It's not in my way. And do... if you need it, then I'll send it to you. But if you don't need it..." And I'm like, well, if we're breaking up and you don't want to be together again, why are you going to keep my stuff? Shouldn't that be one of the first things that you want to do is just gather up all my stuff and mail it back to me or something? Or I don't know.

THERAPIST: This is what you were feeling last week. Feeling like he was giving you mixed messages and even in the context of breaking up with you...

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: ...you feel like he's continuing to give you mixed messages.

CLIENT: Yea, I still feel like he just is so confused and that he just has no idea. And he... at this moment right now, he feels like us being... not being together, he keeps saying it's too much for him. And he can't... he doesn't feel like if we're still in a relationship, he used... he said, "I don't care if you went far away and we couldn't even talk for a year but the fact that just knowing that we're still in a relationship just the conflict, the idea isn't help me get over what's happening." [00:30:13]

And I'm like, OK. Because when I said, "Well, we'll just hit the pause button like we initially said. We're not technically breaking up but we're giving each other the space that we need. It's not like a break or a break up or whatever kind of that is. But you just take all the space and time that you need to get over this because you still wanted to be together at some point." And now it's like completely different and he's all over the place. And I do feel like it's just completely mixed messages that you can't sort of keep my stuff and say it doesn't bother you and then it's not in your way if you don't want to be together anymore. And if you have no reason to have all of my stuff, then just send it back. [00:31:00]

Or don't text me today when yesterday you were yelling at me because I texted you about asking you a legitimate question. And now you're just texting me saying how terrible you feel and you're so sorry. That's not really shutting the door. And maybe he doesn't want to and he doesn't want to feel this way. But it's very upsetting and very frustrating and very confusing because I don't know which way is up or down anymore right now. And I don't know what to do. I don't... I know I'm unhappy here but do I stay until June? Do I leave and tell them, "Look, I need to move back to Pennsylvania."? And my best friend said, "Oh well, we can move in together and I can get you a job and you can work full-time again and be distracted." Or do I really need to be back in Pennsylvania? I don't know.

THERAPIST: Can I ask you when you said that... the first thing you said today was, "I'm going to try not to cry." Why? [00:32:02]

CLIENT: Because I feel like I've been crying so much since it happened and I just... I don't know. It's not that I don't want to but I just... I think crying doesn't really make it any better. Doesn't make it... I don't know. I just... I go through sort of spurts where I'm OK and I can just talk and sort of just deal with it. But then I could just start crying for out of the blue and usually... like yesterday morning or this morning, the mornings are always really hard. Because I just wake up and my mind is going and I'm thinking about stuff and still trying to process it. And just really being sad but I don't know. [00:33:04]

I'm not really a big crier anyway but... as it is. So I don't know. I just feel like I need to try and get it together and figure out what I need to do what's best for me. Even though it just happened and I probably should allow to give myself time to be sad and depressed and everything like that. But at the same time, it's sort of like, well, I can't change the way that he feels even though I really want to. And I kind of just need to pick up the pieces of what's left and do what's best for me. And I don't really know what that is. I just sort of feel like I'm struggling. (pause) [00:34:01]

So I don't know. (pause) My mom, this morning I e-mailed her back because she said... I said to her, "How much..." on her e-mail yesterday, "How much do I owe you and whatever?" And then this morning I e-mailed her back and I said, "When Kevin (sp?) sends me my check, I will send one to you. But we broke up and I don't really know when that's going... when it's going to be." So then she texted me and said, "I'm sorry. And what can I do for you?" And she was saying like all these things. "You need to do what's right for you and you need to be happy." And she was sort of... felt like just going on and on and on again. And I wasn't one-word answering her but just sort of giving her... like answering but not in a how I would normally answer her kind of thing just yes and no and a couple of sentences here and there. [00:35:12]

And she was writing me these long paragraphs and she's like, "I love you and we can figure out our situation. But you need to do what you feel is right for you. And you need to make yourself happy and all this stuff." But it's like when it comes from her now, I just don't even... but she's not the only one that said that but at the same time, I just don't even feel very emotionally connected to her. And I'm sort of trying to not because I don't want to fall back into the hoping that she's going to be there. And I can talk to her now or something and it'll be different because I know it's not going to be. [00:36:01]

And things were really crappy a month ago but now they feel like they're even worse now. And I can't hold out hope that she's going to do anything. And I really don't think that she is so I'm just trying to keep her at a little bit of a distance. And know that if I do end up moving back to Pennsylvania, it's definitely not going to be to live with her or I... if I am going to make myself happy, it's not having a relationship with her like she would like to or like I would hope that we could have. But it just still needs to be a certain way because she just can't be supportive. And she just kept saying, "Maybe your own insecurities came from my previous boyfriend or from all the lying or just..." And I wanted to say, "No, they came from you." [00:37:00]

But saying that would not have gone so well. So I just didn't. I sort of didn't really answer everything that she was saying. I just kind of gave blanket statements back to her. And that's it because I don't want to get terribly involved and...

THERAPIST: You don't want to get your hopes up.

CLIENT: Yea. I don't want to sort of feel like she will be able to help me in any way, shape or form because she's done nothing but... I can't say that I can... I'm blaming her for being sort of in this situation. But at the same time, it's like if I was never scared to talk to people or if I didn't feel so insecure about everything because of the things that she's done then maybe I wouldn't necessarily be in this predicament.

But I'm old enough to make my own decisions. [00:38:02] I've made my own choices. So it's not like it's her fault but at the same time, I didn't... I don't know if I've necessarily known any better about things and how to react to stuff. And I've constantly just mimicked the way she reacted to things because that's all I knew. And part of me sort of resents her for that. But I can't ever tell her that or say anything like that to her because that would just end even more poorly. And I don't have the emotional energy to sort of deal with that right now. (chuckling) So as far as she is concerned, I'm just kind of sort of tell her what she needs to know if she wants... if she asks but that's it. [00:39:01]

Continue to work on not being like she is and not letting her sort of control my life and what I need to do and sort of figure it out on my own. And I'm... I don't really know right now what to do but I feel like I'll figure it out at some point. Just because I'm torn as to whether or not I should move back to Pennsylvania. As unhappy as I am here, I don't know if I'm going to be more miserable back in Pennsylvania. I mean, some part... some days I'm like, yes, I will be more miserable. And then other days, I don't feel that way.

It's like in the morning when I'm lying in my bed and trying not to focus on what's happening and having every thought in the book, I feel like, well yea, I should move back to Pennsylvania and I can live with my best friend. [00:40:00] And I would be just hang out and work and have a job and do everything that normal twenty somethings do, I guess. Although people my age now are all married with kids so... but then... but as the day goes on and my mind gets occupied and I can go to yoga and I can go for a run, then I'm like, well, it's not so bad. So I'm sort of just vacillating back and forth.

THERAPIST: It sounds like an interesting parenthetical. You're like, "Do what normal twenty somethings do." And then you sort of talk about why you feel you're not a normal twenty something.

CLIENT: Yea. I guess I just always had an idea in my head as to how my life would be right now. And I didn't really necessarily picture myself being a nanny and being incredibly unhappy and making sort of poor decisions about relationships. I always assumed that when I had met my boyfriend in Pennsylvania and we were together for five years and everything was fine, I sort of feel like when I made the decision to not be with him anymore is when my life just sort of feels like it started to fall apart. [0:41:21]

I was in my early twenties. And I'd been with him since I was in high school and we sort of progressed through a normal relationship of we lived with our parents and I went to college. And we were doing our own thing. Then we bought a house together and we got a dog and it was like, all right. Well, it's progressing and we'll get married. And by now I was like we'll have kids and I'll have a job and my life will be normal. And I've always wanted to have, I guess, the family that I never grew up having. So that's always sort of been my focus is I want to get married, I want to have kids and I want to be able to give them everything that I never had as a kid. [0:42:09]

And now I'm here with feeling like my life is a complete shambles. And that, yea, it could probably be worse because I'm healthy and fine, sort of. But it's not what I envisioned and I think that really, really frustrates me. And it sort of makes me even more depressed. That's why I've come to absolutely hate the internet now because it's like everybody that I'm friends with online for the most part are... everyone is like married and all their babies and all their... they're getting married. And I'm like I don't really even want to be online anymore because it just sort of depresses that I'm not there. And that I sort of beat myself up that I made the decision to sort of not be with my boyfriend anymore. [00:43:06] And just kept making bad decisions after bad decisions after that. And I sort of hate myself for that.

THERAPIST: That's quite a strong statement.

CLIENT: I just... I mean, I know that not necessarily... like things between him and I were sort of... they weren't perfect and we weren't exceptionally happy but I didn't really do anything about it. I just sort of moved on to the next person who paid attention to me. And then there was just lies and all kinds of stuff from there. And I was totally becoming a person that I'm not. And I feel like hurt him a lot and I was lying to him and doing all this stuff. And living back and forth with him and just torturing him. [00:44:00]

And now I sort of feel like is this my karma for making all these bad decisions and now I'm getting it. And it's the one thing I've always regretted is, why did I made the decision to sort of leave? Not really work on it with him because we had made it so far. I mean, yea, we were really young. But I had a house. I had a job. I... we were financially secure. We were doing fine and... because I feel... felt like I didn't get enough attention or something. I just sort of moved on. And ever since then, I've always sort of felt extremely guilty for that. And now I feel like I'm here and I don't... I thought I hit rock bottom like a year and a half ago when I moved here and things didn't work out. And apparently you can go further. [00:45:01]

And I feel like I'm just constantly climbing my way out of unhappiness or something. I don't know. And it's frustrating. And I've always sort of depended on other people to kind of take care of me. I went from my mom taking of me right into... at 18 I was still living with my mom. And she kicked me out in a few years after that. But then I'm... then my boyfriend at the time, he didn't go to college but he had a full-time job right out of high school. And he was working and he still has the same job and was making fairly decent money. And so he was the one that was always taking care of me. And then I sort of when my mom kicked me out and I wasn't dating him anymore, I moved in with my aunt and she was taking care of me. I didn't have to pay rent there, I could still work and I could still do what I want.

And then I started dating the other Adam (sp?) and then we moved here. [00:46:01] And it was like, "Oh, I'll take care of you and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And I didn't need to and then I met Kevin (sp?). And then for a while, I was on my own for a very short period of time. And then he was just like, "I want to take care of you and I want to make sure that you're OK." And he just... then I can depend on him and I don't think I've ever really felt like I've depended on myself.

I've never lived on my own. I've never... I've always paid my own bills because I've always worked and had a job and stuff like that. But it was like I can pay my bills and then if I wanted anything else extra, I had someone there that I could just say, "Hey, can I have money?" or "Hey, I want to do this," or "Hey, I want to do that." So now I feel like I'm completely almost lost because I don't know what to do. [00:47:01]

And living in Wallingford is great because, well, I live in Wallingford. But at the same time I depend on them because I live with them and I work for them. But at the same time, it's like I don't have to pay rent and they pay for me to eat. So I don't have to figure all that stuff out on my own. And part of me feels like I should probably learn how to be an independent person instead of always depending on other people.

THERAPIST: Well, I was going to say we need to stop in a moment. I was going to say I guess this. As you know, I want to help you process all the bad feelings, too. And not just sort of look on the bright side but it does seem like it could be an opportunity as well.

CLIENT: Yea. I'm... hopefully I feel like maybe in the next few months I can sort of figure it out and become a much more independent person.

THERAPIST: Very good. I... talking, I know you're talking a lot about money issues. I just wanted to make sure you got my statement, too.

CLIENT: I did not so...

THERAPIST: Oh, I mean, that was weird. OK. I will e-mail it to you again. [00:48:08]

CLIENT: Did you e-mail it?

THERAPIST: I thought I e-mailed it to you.

CLIENT: I didn't get anything via e-mail so...

THERAPIST: OK. I'll e-mail it to you again. Maybe I forgot or maybe I don't... no big deal.

CLIENT: OK.

THERAPIST: But I was thinking about that because I thinking about it in the context of me e-mailing you the statement from last week, too, and the issue of money but...

CLIENT: Oh yes, OK. And I was sort of thinking like maybe I might only be able to financially afford to come once a week instead of coming twice a week because Kevin (sp?) was sort of paying for me to come that extra day a week. And now that's not exactly going to happen anymore so...

THERAPIST: Well, and I appreciate that. Do you want to come Thursday and then we can talk about it? Or what were you thinking?

CLIENT: Yea. I mean, I think Thursday I can come and then maybe we can figure out what day is better.

THERAPIST: OK. OK.

CLIENT: Does that sound all right with you?

THERAPIST: Yea, let's... we'll take on that more.

CLIENT: OK. I don't want to leave you hanging but...

THERAPIST: No, that's OK. [00:49:02] Let... I'll see if we...

CLIENT: I can't be more stressed out.

THERAPIST: No, I know, I know. Well, let's talk about it more on Thursday.

CLIENT: All right. Thank you.

THERAPIST: I'll resend that, too.

CLIENT: Oh, good. Thank you.

THERAPIST: Take care.

END TRANSCRIPT