TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: It's been kind of a crazy week. I've sort of been up and down with everything going on and trying to sort of figure out my feelings on how everything is going and everything that's happening and trying to keep busy, not think about it too much, I guess. I just keep feeling like I'm so confused as to how we got from one extreme to the other in the whole situation and I don't really know how to feel about it. [00:01:05] I go through times when I'm really sad and times when I'm just angry and times when I'm just completely baffled. The longer I feel like I stay where I am, living and working in the same place and never really getting out, the unhappier I get. I feel like I don't get to leave and as soon as they come home I don't really even want to talk to them I just sort of want to be by myself and I feel like I leave or I go upstairs to just get away from them. [00:01:59] I don't know if I'm building some sort of resentment or just generally being in the house and never really leaving and I'm just disliking it more and more and more as the time goes on. I sort of feel bad because it's not like they're doing anything on purpose or they're not being mean or they're not being unsupportive or whatever, I just don't want to be there. It's starting to be sort of frustrating and not really feeling like I have my own space to go to. I think it would be different if I left and had my own place; but if I'm going to stay here for a few more months, it's not really feasible. I'm just getting very frustrated with the whole situation and just not liking being there. [00:02:59] I don't know if it's just that I haven't liked it for so long and now I just think it's sort of getting worse being there all the time. I feel like every time I walk through the house it's a constant reminder of everything that's going on and a reminder that I was unhappy before this all happened. I sort of had all this anger and I would take it out on Kevin just for random times, being unhappy there and not feeling like I can change the situation. He and I would get into arguments before, just from me being generally angry about being there and now I feel like it's getting worse and worse and worse.

THERAPIST: Do you think you want to leave before June?

CLIENT: I keep feeling like I do; but at the same time, I feel bad about leaving. [00:04:02] I'm at the point where a month ago when everything happened and I talked to them and said I don't know what I want to do, I felt bad leaving and I didn't want to leave them stuck. At the same time I kind of feel like I need to do what's right for me and that it's not really fair to them or fair to the kids if I'm always sort of on edge and I'm just disliking being there. Obviously, it's not like I'm being mean to them, but I'm just not happy. I feel like I sort of put their needs and their wants before my own ever since I started there, pushing off leaving in September when they didn't want me to and even before that when I was just like "I can't take it anymore," but always feeling guilty that I would leave them stuck. [00:05:12] Now I just can't really continue to think that they're going to be stuck because they'll find someone else and I'm perfectly happy giving them time to find someone else to replace me and doing as much as I can for them.

I kind of feel like I really need to do what's best for me emotionally right now because I can't be a productive member of society just in general if I'm feeling miserable and unhappy and if the whole idea of Kevin and I not being together anymore and him needing his space and me trying to figure out who I am and what makes me happy. [00:06:09] Being here and not having my own space and not working or doing what I want to do doesn't really make me happy. I kind of have to change that. It's frustrating because I don't really know. A part of me doesn't really want to move back to Pennsylvania, but I don't really have too much of a choice.

THERAPIST: How do you mean?

CLIENT: Unless I get a really good job somewhere else or here, I can't technically afford to live on my own. Plus I need somewhere that I'm going to be able to take my dog and a lot of places don't. [00:07:00] If I move back to Pennsylvania my best friend said she would move out of living with her mom and she and I could get a place together. It would work out. That would probably be better because I definitely, obviously, can't live with my mom. Even if she and I had a decent relationship I just can't go back to that. I kind of don't want to depend on someone else. I don't want to move in with other people or move from the house I live in now to the home of the other people I work for; they've said I could move there. I sort of just want to work and have to pay rent and have to sort of be independent and not feel like I'm constantly depending on other people to do things or financially support me or whatever. [00:08:03]

I was talking to my best friend this morning about everything and from the time I turned 18, I haven't actually had a long period of time being single and not having someone there who's always financially supporting me. Up until I turned 18 my mom was supporting me and I sort of went into a whole cycle of other people always being there; not necessarily me asking, but just how it happened. I kind of feel like I need to do something on my own and just figure out what makes me happy and what I want to do instead of always depending on other people to be there. [00:09:03]

Living there with them has been great, but in a sense the flexibility and I and do what I want. But at the same time, now I dread 3:00 coming because I have to pick up the kids from school and I just don't want to go back home and I don't want to deal with them. I don't want to be there. I don't really want to tell them that specifically. I don't want to sit them down and say, "I can't stand being around your kids (chuckles) and I can't stand being around you," because it's not necessarily anything that they're doing in particular. I always feel bad because they have been really good to me. I think they would probably understand if I said that I just don't think I can stick it out until June. I thought maybe I could stick it out until April and stay here through the next court date so I didn't have to travel back and forth and leave after that. [00:10:08] I assume that would give them enough time. It's almost two months, but I really need to talk to them about that. I'm sort of scared to talk to them about it because I don't know how they're going to react. I know I normally would probably give in to whatever they said, like, "Can you stay until this time or this time?" I've already done that and it's made me miserable. I know I have to be strong and just put my foot down and say, "Look, I really emotionally can't stay," and not get frustrated because that's what happened the last time when I tried to leave in September. [00:10:58] I wanted to leave and they made it to where I was like, "Okay, fine. I won't." I think this time it just has to happen. At the same time, I feel like I'm still trying to process everything that's going on, so I don't want to make any decisions without feeling like I've thought about it or anything like that. That's why I've been waiting to say anything to them.

THERAPIST: What more do you feel you need to think about to make a decision?

CLIENT: (pause) I guess I feel like I need to think if I want to go back to Pennsylvania and go back to what I was doing before, or do I want to get a different job. [00:12:03] What do I want to do? I haven't really wanted to go back to Pennsylvania, but I don't really have any other choice right now. I'm sure I could go and live with my best friend, save up some money and go to work in [Brighton] (ph?) and still go to yoga and do what I want to do; and then take it from there. I think I'm scared of moving back and being even more miserable than I am here, being in a job that I hate again or having more drama to deal with with my mom being there and the rest of my family being there and all that kind of stuff, so I'm hesitant to move back. [00:13:02] I think here I don't like my job, but the only redeeming quality is that I have free time to do what I want to do. I figured it out before when I worked full time. I still did what I wanted to do before or after and that was kind of it.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you're most acute issue is that you're not liking where you are. It sounds like the bigger issue is that you don't know what the next step in your life should be.

CLIENT: No, I don't. Everything was already planned out. The next step was already known. I was staying here until June and then I was moving to Ohio and getting another job and starting my life with Kevin, working out all that stuff. Then it just stopped and now that's not happening and I am feeling like I'm lost and I don't really know what the next step is, what I should do and where I should go. [00:14:13] Obviously, I can't go to Ohio. I need to be able to find a place that I can afford rent-wise and I can get a job and stuff like that. At this point I do sort of feel like I don't really know what the next step is. I'm feeling like I don't want to move back to Pennsylvania and I've felt that way for a while. I also feel like I don't really have another choice. That sort of makes me feel a little frustrated and stuck and unsure about a lot. [00:15:01]

THERAPIST: I guess I'm not clear about the other. You've certainly worked before outside of being a nanny. You could get a job anywhere and move there.

CLIENT: Yeah, I guess I just wonder if I would be able to find a job and an apartment that I could pay rent at that I could have my dog. And depending on where everything is, if I'm moving to another state I'm having to relocate and find another job from here. Do I want to move to a place where I don't know anybody again and not have any friends and be far away from any support right now? Being here on my own has sort of been an interesting experience, but a part of me is thinking that I moved here and I was living with someone and I knew someone here and then I kind of met Kevin. [00:16:12] Even though he wasn't living here, I was still occupied and one the weekends it was giving me stuff to do and I never actually went out on my own and did stuff. I sort of lived to be in Wallingford and was there all week. I never got out and did stuff on my own. I just would be there all day and at night and, basically, on the weekends; so I wasn't terribly independent. I depended on Kevin on the weekends for something to do to either be in Maine or for him to be here. [00:17:08] Then during the week, by the time the end of the day rolled around, I didn't really feel like doing anything or going out. I didn't go out and make friends or anything like that.

THERAPIST: It sounds like you're at a point in your life where the challenge is can you create something for yourself rather than what you feel like what you've been doing, which is fall into somebody else's structure or plan.

CLIENT: Yeah. I would like to be able to go somewhere and create my own life and make friends a do stuff; but at the same time I'm scared because I've never done that before. [00:18:00] I wouldn't really know where to go at this point. At one point it was that I would be doing that in Ohio, but I would have Kevin there. Now that's not really an option. I would have had to get a new job and make friends. We knew people there so it was almost like I was moving there and things were already set up, having friends. My friends in Pennsylvania were closer and I had a place to live. Now I wouldn't even really begin to know where to go or what to do. I've lived here. I've been here long enough and I'm ready to move on. I don' t really want to stay here anymore. Now I'm confused and frustrated about what to do next and what's happening or what happened between Kevin and I. [00:19:02] I'm trying to figure out how to handle that and deal with it.

THERAPIST: It's clearer to you what you don't want than what you do want.

CLIENT: Yeah. I sort of feel like I know what I don't want but I don't know what I do want. It's frustrating. I don't really know how to process it all and how to figure it out because I'm so used to everything always being there and not always necessarily needing to think on my own and having other people make decisions for me. I just kind of fell into a cycle of never really making my own decisions. Now I'm stuck doing that and I feel lost. [00:20:01] I'm just sort of going through the motions now of what I have to do, but I'm so miserable doing it. I find myself leaving every time they come home, 15 or 20 minutes later I'm leaving. Yesterday I went to yoga, but I left an hour before the class started and it's not even two minutes away. I returned my movie and went to the store and occupied my time because I just don't want to be there. I feel like it's only going to get worse so I need to talk to them about it and let them know how I'm feeling. At the same time, I need to figure out what I'm going to do and where I'm going to go before I say I'm leaving and not have anywhere to go and not have a job to go to. I'd then be floundering out there even more so than I already am. [00:21:02]

THERAPIST: What did you do again before you were nannying up here?

CLIENT: I was a guidance counselor.

THERAPIST: That's right.

CLIENT: Which I don't necessarily want to do again because it's such an emotionally taxing job. I wasn't terribly happy with it at the time, but I feel like sometimes it was also because of my personal life. The guy I was dating at the time who was in Alaska who I moved here for it was constant tension and turmoil in my personal life. I feel like it probably carried over my anxiety and anger and all that stuff into my professional life, which is what it's sort of doing now; so I wasn't enjoying my job when I left. [00:22:06] I was looking forward to leaving and moving here. At one point, I did enjoy it and I didn't mind doing it. I think it was just the last part of it when I was constantly fighting with my boyfriend and it was hours of conversation before I even went to work in the morning about stupid things. Trying to drop your feelings at the door and then going into people who are very needy and want you right at that very second when they want you, it becomes very frustrating. I don't think it's something that I don't want to do again, but I want to make sure that I can emotionally be present and not still trying to deal with my own stuff personally before I can go back into that kind of work. [00:23:07]

My best friend works in a similar situation. She said she could get me a job where she works. But at the same time, she's constantly calling and saying, "These people are crazy. (chuckles) They're making me nuts." That's the way they are. I don't know if I really want to do that. I didn't go to school for social work.

THERAPIST: What did you study in school?

CLIENT: My degree is in education. I sort of know all of that stuff, but I never really wanted to work with people who had all those disorders in the context of how she does it, where none of them work and they take them shopping and do all that kind of stuff. [00:24:14] I would much rather study them. Those people had different kinds of disorders and you're doing other things, not just they sit home and collect welfare and you take them shopping and buy them things, enabling them to continue to be a certain way. That frustrates me. I don't really know if that's what I want to go back into or to even do. I definitely do not want to do this again. That was really never on my to-do list. It was supposed to be a very short-term sort of thing and, as much as I like kids, I'm very much over feeling like I'm raising other people's kids because they're not home. [00:25:09] I get all the questions and everything that their parents should be fielding and I don't really want to do that anymore. I feel like I have a lot of "I don't knows" and a lot of "I'm confused" and feeling very lost and am sort of just out there.

I'm trying to process my whole lack of relationship and how that completely I'm just not understanding how that can go from one extreme to the other. I'm still going over in my head the conversations and things that have happened and I just don't understand how he could go from one thing to another. [00:26:10] I have no idea. I'm sort of trying to deal with it and I'm getting mad and angry that he could say the things that he said and act the way that he did and why he would be a certain way. I haven't talked to him. I don't know if I should or if I shouldn't. He wanted space, so I'm trying to give him space. He texted me on Monday after yelling me on Sunday because I don't give him enough space. [00:26:53] Then texting me Monday morning frustrated me more because why are you going to yell at me and tell me that I don't know how to give you space and why are my priorities more important than his or what he wants? Then he texts me about how terrible he feels and how sorry he is. I just feel like some of the things, what he's doing and what he's saying, are sort of conflicting and making me feel really conflicted and not understanding why he's acting the way he is or has or did or whatever. I just go over things in my head. The mornings are terrible because that's when I'm just waking up and laying there. Everything is going over in my mind. I try to keep busy and do other stuff, but I just have so much going on that I don't know which way is up or down anymore. (chuckles) [00:28:00] I don't really know how I'm feeling. There are different emotions all the time. That's it.

I'm supposed to go to Pennsylvania next week. I still have Pennsylvania license plates on my car so I have to get my car inspected in Pennsylvania for the month of November. I was supposed to go to Ohio, but I canceled my plane ticket and I sort of have no choice but to stay with my mom. She has been texting me all week. I guess it was Monday, probably Monday morning before I came here, I had e-mailed her about her wanting me to pay her money back and I said that Kevin and I broke up; so she's been texting me ever since then. [00:29:03] She hasn't called on the phone. I haven't called her. I've still been keeping her at arm's length, letting her say what she wants to say and not necessarily responding to everything and saying what I want to say or what I feel like I need to say at any given time. I haven't really felt terribly frustrated by her, but I'm nervous to go home and be there because I can't stay with my best friend. Her house isn't big enough for me. She already has two dogs, so staying there isn't an option. The rest of my family I don't feel like talking to them and dealing with having to tell yet another person what's going on. [00:30:00] I don't really want to explain to everybody the whole legal situation between Kevin and I and that being the reason why we're not together. We didn't want people to know that. Now I feel like what am I supposed to tell people? What am I supposed to say? He and I would like for us to leave all of that out and not really say anything. It's just becoming too much, I think.

THERAPIST: How do you mean too much?

CLIENT: Feeling like what do I say to people? It's just so much to think about and trying to sort things out. I don't feel like I should have to worry about what I say and how I say it or what I tell people. [00:31:00] I should just be able to say as little or as much as I want to and not feel like I need to worry about it but I still do. People in my family are really nosey and they always want more information than they need to know. That's frustrating. My aunt called the other day and I called her back yesterday and I asked my best friend, "She is going to ask how Kevin is. She's going to ask how things are going. I don't want to go into the story. I don't necessarily want to tell her everything or anything." She was like, "Just say that he's fine. Don't give any more information. If she asks questions, just be vague about stuff. When you're ready to talk about it, then talk about it; but you don't have to say anything to anyone if you don't want to. You're not obligated." [00:32:02]

THERAPIST: Do you feel like part of the sense of obligation comes from this anxiety of taking care of yourself, like some sense of dependency on them?

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I guess. I don't know. I don't know why I feel like I have to say anything. I don't have to really feel obligated to give them anything. At the same time, it's like in my family dynamics everyone has always been sort of close until recently, where no one really talks anymore. Most people might have a relationship with their aunt or uncle where they're just like, "Oh, yeah. Whatever. I broke up with my boyfriend," and that's the end of the story. [00:33:02] I feel like everyone in my family always needs to know every detail. They want to know what happened and how you feel. It's like a therapy session or they want it to be.

That's how my one aunt is. She always calls and has to give her two cents and her philosophical feelings on stuff and that's how she always is. It's terribly annoying. (sniggers) I don't want to go out to dinner with her and talk about that. Half the time it's like she asks you how you are, you give her an "I'm fine" or whatever it is that you say. Then the next two hours she just talks about herself, which I don't really feel like doing that either. It's always about her, her, her, her, until you have some sort of problem or crisis or issue going on. Then it's her telling you what she thinks you should do and how you should feel, quoting whomever she feels like she needs to quote at the time. [00:34:08]

It's sort of emotionally exhausting just even having a conversation with her. My best friend and I, when she calls and she tells me whatever drama is happening in her life, I usually end up calling my best friend after and we kind of laugh about it because my aunt is just so dramatic and she's a little I don't even know. I feel like she's stalker-like when it comes to men. She's divorced, but she just dates people all the time and she's on those online dating services or something. She's always going on dates and she's falling in love after the first date. My best friend and I almost get a little bit of a chuckle out of it just because I don't know if it's pathetic or sad, but she's just emotionally exhausting. [00:35:07] I feel like she tries to impress her feelings and what she would do and all this other stuff on other people, especially me.

I don't want to tell her because I don't want my grandparents to know and everybody in my family they all talk, even though you can say, "Please don't tell anybody or so-and-so." It doesn't matter. They still tell everybody; so I could tell her something and everyone in my family would know. It's like I don't really want everyone to know, which is another reason why I don't want to tell everybody. I don't want to have to talk about it. Everyone calls you and "Oh, are you okay?" and "What happened?" [00:36:00]

I don't know. When I moved here and things didn't work out, I just didn't even talk to people for months because I just didn't want to talk about it. I talked to my best friend and I talked to my mom and that was it. I do feel like I shut people off, but it's because I feel obligated to give everyone the entire story and I don't know why. Sometimes I just don't want to talk about it and I don't know how to say that I don't want to talk about it because I always feel like I'm going to hurt other people's feelings. I don't know. I don't want to go home. [00:37:02] I sort of made sure that my mom didn't tell anybody that I was even coming home because I don't want to visit people. I just want to go home, get my car inspected, visit with my best friend and go out. I don't even really want to converse that much with my mom because I don't really feel like having the whole conversation about the situation between her and I. She said, "Oh, well we'll deal with that later," but I know she's going to bring it up. I just don't feel like having an argument with her about why I don't feel like I can tell her stuff or I can talk to her a lot and why I haven't really been talking to her the last month. I just don't want to have that confrontation. My mom tries to think part of my problem is she doesn't understand that it's her. [00:38:02] My issues with talking to people and feeling comfortable having conversations with people and feeling obligated or feeling scared to tell people out of hurting their feelings or their reaction, if they're going to yell at me, stems from her. I know if I have the conversation with her and I even bring that up, it's just going to end terribly. God forbid if it happens Friday night when I'm home and I'm home until Monday. Then I have nowhere to go or I have to stay there and it's tense. I want to say that I don't even want to have that conversation with her, but I don't know if she's going to want to bring it up or not. Like I've said before, pointing out to her that she's the reason or saying "it's because of you" automatically puts her on the defensive. [00:39:05] I don't think I'm emotionally ready to have that conversation and I'm not really feeling like I'm very emotionally stable to have all these arguments with her.

THERAPIST: This seems like a silly question, but why is your car registered in Pennsylvania?

CLIENT: I just never changed it when I moved.

THERAPIST: You thought being here would be temporary?

CLIENT: Yeah. Originally when I moved it was only supposed to be from June to May, so I was like I'm not going to. Everything was still there. It was easier and nothing was expiring yet. I had a new car and Pennsylvania inspections are good for five years, so I was good up until this year. [00:40:04] It was just easier to not. I know you're supposed to and everyone is like "you're supposed to change." Everything else is changed here, I just always kept my car. I know other people who don't every change their stuff, as well. It was registered to my old house in Pennsylvania and then I switched it to my mom's because my ex, when I was living in Pennsylvania, he still lives in that house. I just don't want stuff going to him anymore. So it's still at my mom's because my car insurance is cheaper. It's just easier. Now my inspection is up and I have to have that done. I was going to change it when I was moving to Ohio, but now that's not happening. I'm moving back to Pennsylvania now, back and forth. I think they charge you extra to register your car in Wallingford. [00:41:03] When I was talking to the people that I work for, they charge you an extra certain percentage for registering your car in Wallingford. I'm not sure if it's because they think everyone that lives in Wallingford can afford to pay a little extra tax on their car. I don't know what it was. But she's like, "Yeah, you pay some sort of extra percentage for registering in Wallingford. If you don't have to, then don't."

THERAPIST: That's true of New Haven, too. You have an excise tax. I don't know if it's the same thing. I think in most places you also have to pay a city tax in addition, too, or some tax.

CLIENT: Yeah, I think that's what it was and she was like "don't bother."

THERAPIST: It seems like you have some pretty big tasks ahead of you in terms of figuring out, not just where you want to go next, but what that means what direction in your life you want to go next.

CLIENT: Yeah. I kind of feel like I need to think about it. [00:42:03] I think high on my priority list is talking to the people that I work for and being honest and explaining to them that it's not you guys, in particular, but I need to do what's right. I'm sorry to leave before June, if that's how it ends up, but I just don't really foresee it getting any easier. It may, as time goes on. It could just be really miserable now because of everything that's happened between Kevin and I. I was sort of dealing with it because things were okay between he and me. But now as things went downhill even further, I feel even more miserable and more isolated. [00:43:00] I don't know why, I just feel so uncomfortable being there. I don't know. The other lady that I babysit for who lives in Wallingford around the corner, I feel more comfortable going over there and I can just talk to her and I can tell her stuff. I don't really feel that way about the people that I work for. I think they're just a little more uptight and they're a little less I don't know I wouldn't say unfriendly because they're friendly enough, but it's like you can't really have an open conversation with her. You can tell her some stuff, but she isn't the kind of person who would be, "Oh, well this happened to me." She would never tell you stuff that happened in her life, whereas Miranda has said, "Rob and I broke up before we got married because we were having problems and I moved out and we ended up being married." [00:44:15] Amy would never say that. I think Amy almost thinks that she has this whole fa�ade that she has to keep up. It's not just for me, it's for everybody. They live in this perfect world where everything is nice and all that stuff and they don't have problems. I've always felt that way. She is just very I don't want to say that she's fake, but she's really flakey. I just feel a little less comfortable talking with her and so I really don't even want to tell her anything that's happening. I told her that we broke up, but I just sort of gave her the run-down. I think it's even worse when her husband is home, Carlton, not to be stereotypical, but he's extremely uptight. [00:45:09] Everyone says that. Even their own friends are like, "Is Carlton as uptight at home as he seems in public?" I'm like, "Yes." (chuckles) Everyone says he just has a very stiff upper lip, I guess. He also likes to make sure that everyone appears to be a certain way, even though I know that it's not more than other people do outside the house because I'm there so much. I'm just not very comfortable. When I talk to him it's like, "Oh, the weather outside is nice today," or . . .

THERAPIST: Superficial.

CLIENT: It's very superficial. It's very much like, "This is what the kids did." "This is what I need from you." "The weather is cold." "It's hot." "It's going to snow." Those are basically our conversations. [00:46:02] I have lived in the same house with him for the last year and a half.

THERAPIST: We have to stop in a moment. I want to touch on a couple of logistical questions on scheduling. What would you like to do?

CLIENT: I'm trying to think what day, if Monday or Thursday would be better for me.

THERAPIST: Thursday would be a little bit better for me, but either one is okay.

CLIENT: Okay, then I can keep Thursdays. I feel like sometimes, too, Mondays, if I'm not here on the weekends or something, I would be canceling more on Mondays instead of on a Thursday. So I'm probably better if we keep Thursdays, although next week my plan is to sort of leave in the morning to go to Pennsylvania on Thursday.

THERAPIST: Next Thursday. Then do you want to keep Monday's appointment and then we'll switch to Thursday the week after?

CLIENT: Yeah, if that works.

THERAPIST: That's fine. So next Monday is the 12th and then I'll switch you to Thursdays.

CLIENT: Monday is the 12th already? No, it's the 11th. That's fine. Am I only able to give you a check?

THERAPIST: You can do credit card, too.

CLIENT: I can give you my debit card?

THERAPIST: Yeah, the debit card is fine. I have a service. I take down your information and then I just process it through the service. You'll get a receipt for it. It's billed under professional charges, just for your protection.

CLIENT: That's a lot easier because I literally pay all my bills online.

THERAPIST: That's fine.

CLIENT: If I went online and put you into my . . .

THERAPIST: No, I know. If I can take your debit card now, I can do that.

CLIENT: That's much easier and you can copy down the number and all that stuff.

THERAPIST: Sure. I'll make sure that I can put it in so you get a receipt e-mailed to you.

CLIENT: That would be good.

THERAPIST: You'll see it as "Professional Charges." That's what it's listed as. Very good. I'll see you on Monday then, and then we'll start Thursdays.

CLIENT: Thursdays. Okay. That works.

THERAPIST: Take care, Angela. (ph?) Bye bye.

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