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(Joined in progress)

CLIENT: (inaudible)

THERAPIST: No, I’m sorry. I, for some reason, I had in my head...

CLIENT: Oh, no, no...

THERAPIST: (pause) Yeah, but, you know... I think, to add to... I guess what I was going to say, I cut myself short, was... You know, as you were saying, “I think about this all the time.” Well, it’s a, you know, there is a lot to unpack around these fantasies, you know? You know, the fantasies of like, what would it mean to not do well, grade-wise, and what it leads to and all are a lot of kind of like... implications of how you feel about Laney, how you feel about your own kind of relationship to juggling, you know, work/school and a relationship, family, what’s possible between two people, what feels tolerable within yourself. (pause) (client affirms) (pause) And, yeah, something about that standing at the pearly gates, too, just adds to this... [00:01:29]

CLIENT: Yeah, I mean and you know, a lot of times, it’s just like... you know, maybe all of these things, you know, maybe no one can control all of these things. But if nothing else (chuckles), you know... at least, you know, I’m being like, self-destructive almost like, you know, at least I have evidence that I was, you know, concerned, I guess. (therapist affirms) You know what I mean? Just kind of a fail-safe, or something. (pause) Yeah, I’d like to talk about that more. Because I don’t think I talk about that enough here, given how much I think about it. [00:02:17]

THERAPIST: Yeah, which part in particular?

CLIENT: The fact that I find... that... I don’t do self-destructive things like, smoke and like, eat donuts all the time. I don’t do stuff like that just like, by accident.

THERAPIST: Huh!

CLIENT: Like, I don’t only like, do those sometimes as like, comfort activities when other things are stressful. But like, the decision to be a person that does those things seems to like (therapist responds), provide a backdrop against which it’s like, easier to... deal with those other things that’s I’m trying to...

THERAPIST: Interesting. Huh! Huh.

CLIENT: Like, that’s why I like, you know like, I don’t like to go to the gym or something, you know what I mean?

THERAPIST: Huh!

CLIENT: But I’d like to talk about that more. [00:03:21]

THERAPIST: Something about it, is it a way of kind of like... controlling the destructiveness, in a way? Like, there is destructiveness in me, but I control it, I direct it towards me? Is that...?

CLIENT: I don’t want to go, I don’t want to take up... I know we’re a few minutes over, so (inaudible) diving into it too much, but it’s like... (pause) To say like, you know what, I’m going to stop eating... I’m just like, eating really well. I mean, I try to eat vegetables every day. I’m not going to smoke, you know? I mean, that... something about that just seems like dusting off the mantle, like...

THERAPIST: Yes. “I’m going to go for a run.”

CLIENT: Yeah! You know, I mean... As if I have made a decision to the world that everything else is so taken care of, that I’m going to start looking inward now for, you know, and just trying to just, you know, improve things. You know what I mean? (therapist responds) And that just seems like, from like a moral, culpable standpoint like, much (chuckles) more vulnerable ground to be on, or something. (therapist affirms) That’s how it feels to me. (therapist affirms) But yeah, but let’s go from there next week. (therapist affirms) All right? [00:04:46]

THERAPIST: Okay, yeah.

CLIENT: Cool. So I’ll see you next week, right?

THERAPIST: See you next week, yeah.

CLIENT: Take care.

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