TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: I was supposed to be working for Jessica for two weeks, which is always fun. Jessica is kind of self-important, but she's fine. Next week she's having me work nine to five in the classroom that I don't like, Audrey, [...] (inaudible at 00:00:24)

THERAPIST: Is that going to be the whole week?

CLIENT: Yeah. So I can't do next week.

THERAPIST: What if we met on Wednesday at 6:00?

CLIENT: I could do that. Are you serious? I can't believe you're making this accommodation for me. You must really, actually be I must really be your family.

THERAPIST: You're my yeah. How did you know?

CLIENT: Because you're agreeing to meet with me at 6:00 and you don't like to have 6:00 appointments. [00:00:59]

THERAPIST: Well, yeah, we've been out of contact, so I'll do it. What are you doing for Thanksgiving on the 21st, Wednesday, the 21st?

CLIENT: I have off that day, actually. I'm taking a vacation day so I can drive down to Virginia with Phil and his parents.

THERAPIST: That day?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So we won't meet the 21st.

CLIENT: I can meet Tuesday, the 20th.

THERAPIST: What time?

CLIENT: Starting at maybe around 4:30. I could probably get there by 4:15, maybe.

THERAPIST: Okay. That might work. That might work. I will let you know next week. 4:15 might work. (pause) [00:02:23]

CLIENT: I wanted to ask you about my ADD. I feel like it's been getting worse and kicking back in, especially when I'm at home. I feel like I can't stick with something for a long time, especially since I eat a lot faster than Phil. I can't sit at the table while he finishes and I can't focus on the wedding stuff I need to focus on. I don't know what to do because I feel like I'm not living up to what I should be living up to, in terms of my relationship. I don't know if it has to do with anxiety about the wedding and the marriage, but Phil made me promise I would ask you about it. [00:03:29]

THERAPIST: He had noticed?

CLIENT: No. We had talked about it because I was feeling like I suck at life (sniggers).

THERAPIST: Well, tell me about it. How are you feeling about the wedding?

CLIENT: I feel anxious I feel bored and I don't know if the anxiety is first and the boredom is second or the boredom is first and the anxiety is second about being married. I feel like I'll be bored and that I'll not be a good wife to him. [00:04:25]

THERAPIST: Can you tell me what your vision is? What do you envision about marriage?

CLIENT: I don't really think it's going to be that much different. I mean, we've been living together for three years.

THERAPIST: Why the bored part?

CLIENT: I don't know. I guess I just feel bored anyway. I don't know if it's boredom with me or boredom with him. Hey, I think I saw those chairs on what's that PBS show? See, here's the ADD and the avoidance.

THERAPIST: Were you getting bored to talk about it?

CLIENT: I wasn't getting bored talking about it.

THERAPIST: But avoidance, yeah.

CLIENT: Avoidance and anxiety.

THERAPIST: Tell me were you just starting to feel something?

CLIENT: I don't know. I just feel bored. Phil isn't the most exciting person so I don't know if it's bored with me or bored with him or bored with my own life and with my job. But I don't feel like there's that excitement anymore and I worry about that. [00:05:39]

THERAPIST: What do you notice? I'm thinking about the first image that came to mind for you was the two of you sitting at the table together you finishing and wanting to get up and move away from the table with him.

CLIENT: I don't know why. I just feel so I don't know. We're not very good at making dinner conversation, either, which is bad. (pause)

THERAPIST: What's coming to mind?

CLIENT: We just need to find something to talk about at dinner like I don't know grab from a bag of topics: Iraq sanctions, deforestation, climate change. I don't know. Something like that. Is that thing working? [00:06:40]

THERAPIST: Yeah. What does it start to be like?

CLIENT: It makes it feel like not that we're not meant to be, but maybe we're not exciting anymore. It makes me feel like what if I get so bored that I want to be with somebody else? (pause) I don't have anybody else in the line-up or anything. I'm not going down that path, but I still feel like... [00:07:41]

THERAPIST: It kind of raises the question does the boredom mean is it a signifier of something more deep going on; and it must be hard to think about what the boredom mean.

CLIENT: I guess the boredom makes me anxious or something. I've been thinking about new jobs and stuff. I applied, again, for the service and, this time, I haven't gotten a response.

THERAPIST: Same one?

CLIENT: Yeah. Maybe I'm asking for too much a week. I don't know. I'm also looking into a sales job, but they want you to have four years' experience in elementary education. It's a sales job for a toy company, an educational toy company. They sell all kinds of different toys for preschool and child care. I guess they're expanding into the elementary market or something like that. I guess I looked a little bit at Melissa & Doug. I've read about it online and it seems like not actually a great place to work. I just met a guy on the train and he told me I should be looking at catering sales jobs. He gave me a phone number to call. [00:09:24]

THERAPIST: That's sort of relating to Phil and you. What were you thinking? What was the kind of...?

CLIENT: I feel like if I was more interested in my job or had something else going on in my life, then I wouldn't be so bored. First I want to make sure that it's not boredom with myself because I know he'll be a great partner to me and I know that we're well matched and well suited to each other. I guess it's also pre-wedding jitters or something.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and I think as well, to reiterate that point, in some way if you start to wonder about the boredom, what does it mean? Does it mean you shouldn't go forward with the relationship or he's not the right guy? Or is it just something that's happening between you? It's certainly a legitimate question to have in terms of hey, I'm uncertain what it means. It could be something that's temporary, something that's going to happen right now between you two. There's some dynamic that's going on. [00:10:53]

CLIENT: He's working his 30-hours-a-week internship and he told me that he's going to have to either start selling some of his stock and he has good stock. He bought small shares of Apple, maybe even half-shares of Apple over the past couple of years, and now they're worth like $5,000. So he's either going to have to start selling stock or he's going to have to take a second job. I told him that I'd start looking for babysitting stuff, but also look for sales jobs. If I pull out enough hair will you give me a triptomania diagnosis? [00:11:50]

THERAPIST: Only if you ask nicely.

CLIENT: Thanks for the trash barrel. You don't want it on your...?

THERAPIST: I preferred that.

CLIENT: Okay. You set this out for your germophobic OCD clients.

THERAPIST: what are you noticing between the two of you now?

CLIENT: I just feel bored. We don't talk as much anymore. We're both working, we're looking for different jobs, planning a wedding, we're not really having as much sex. I mean, that's been a whole issue for a while. Not really; I don't know.

THERAPIST: How so? What have you noticed in terms of sex? How much? [00:12:42]

CLIENT: Like about a month. I don't know. I feel like (pause) it's also really hard because we're both really short on money to really carve out time to do things together, you know? (pause) So, as I was saying about those chairs, I think I saw them on what's that PBS show where they are like a bunch of flea-market buyers and they go to flea markets and they buy things? I actually think I saw those chairs on that.

THERAPIST: We must be really hitting on something here.

CLIENT: Also I don't have cable anymore, so I watch a lot more PBS. Maybe that's why I'm bored.

THERAPIST: (laughs) PBS makes you bored.

CLIENT: Because I don't have cable anymore and I can't watch Bridezillas.

THERAPIST: How are you feeling just talking with me about it? [00:14:11]

CLIENT: I don't know. I feel okay. I guess it's a little weird. It's a little weird to admit that I feel a little unsure about our relationship Phil and my relationship, but it's not like when I make bad decisions I always get this terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and I don't feel that feeling, so I know it can't be that bad.

THERAPIST: Let me just say something. I think you're right, it's kind of like a pre-wedding maybe you'd be thinking about this anyway, but with the wedding coming up and the planning, it must be really a time for you to be evaluating and thinking about the quality of your relationship much more frequently and thoroughly. [00:15:09]

CLIENT: Yeah, and we just did whatever weekend we went home, the weekend in October we went home, we did this thing called Clearness, which is a Quaker thing that you and couples ask you about your relationship and how does sex play a role in your relationship. They didn't ask us that, they just made sure we were both on the same page about monogamy and stuff. How does money play a role in the relationship? How do you show affection? What roles do you take in the relationship? And I was really anxious about it. I was really anxious that it was going to be like getting into the CIA or being interviewed for Google or something. [00:15:58]

THERAPIST: Like a third degree?

CLIENT: Yeah, but it wasn't so I felt really good about that.

THERAPIST: Yeah. I wonder if there's some way you're kind of here, too, in some ways how much of a third-degree investigation do you go on with yourself about these feelings you're having. How much will I go into it versus is there a way for us to talk about it where it feels like it's actually helpful and might help to understand something between the two of you that's happening. In other words, is there a way to talk about it where it's not like The Inquisition and more of a kind of hey, this is important. You're concerned understandably and can we talk about how you're feeling about Phil and how you're feeling about your sex life and how much fun you have together and how it is to talk together. How close you feel, what you've been feeling towards him. [00:17:16]

CLIENT: Sometimes I feel like I'm so used to having him around that it's almost like living alone now because I'm so used to him being there. Or it's like he's so much a part of me that I'm just so used to him. Sometimes it makes me feel like I'm marrying my brother or something. (pause) I just don't know if that's the way adult love is or is it still like when you were in high school and the guy you like is in the room and you're like, "Oh, my goodness." [00:18:24]

THERAPIST: He feels like family or something.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) Did somebody eat an orange in here today? No, I smell your lemons. That's what I smell. (pause)

THERAPIST: What's going on with that?

CLIENT: I don't know. I just (pause) I don't know. (pause) [00:19:46] He just always has to be looking for a job and always has to be on the computer and it just frustrates me. I guess I just want to know that he thinks I'm here talking about ADD, and we talked about how it can be an avoidance thing, how I do things to avoid going on the stationary bike and things like that. I don't know. He's reading some book about anxiety. I guess he does get anxiety, too, but like (pause) I just don't want to have a big, old wedding and then be bored in my marriage and get divorced. Nobody in our family gets divorced. That's not true; not in our nuclear family, though. [00:21:14]

THERAPIST: The boredom worries you and I think you feel like it's kind of like the stationary bike. Do I want to go on that thing and start working at looking at it. I think it's because it worries you. It worries you.

CLIENT: The boredom definitely worries me. That's absolutely right. I guess maybe the two together are presenting as inattention.

THERAPIST: yeah. Not to say that there's not an element of that, too, but I think this is something pretty important because I think when you feel too much in the way of anxiety, it can kind of feel like "I don't know if I can handle that," whether it's a conversation or an internal feeling. I think what's good is that you're trying to nibble at this thing a bit with me here today. You're come up with a lot, I think, just here. [00:22:30] Sometimes it feels like we're family or we're like brother and sister. I imagine that's relevant in terms of your sex life in terms of how you started saying it's not like I feel that kind of charge. I wonder what's going on with that. And then this other thing you mentioned about him looking for jobs a lot and you looking for jobs a lot and wondering what that might have to do with some sort of sense of feeling not sympatico or off on your own. [00:23:04]

CLIENT: I feel off on my own.

THERAPIST: When you said he was on the computer looking for jobs a lot, what did...?

CLIENT: I don't know. It just feels like I know he's working really hard to make our lives better, but (sniggers) it's taking so long. I just wish it would be faster, you know? It's not easy to get a job. I feel like if he has classmates who are female and African-American males and minorities why does he have to compete with people who are smarter, better at his job, but better at the job, and he also has to compete with the affirmative-action not that I'm against affirmative action or anything, but I don't think it's helping him, of course. [00:24:16]

THERAPIST: What has it been like for you for him to be struggling to find a really good full-time job? How has it been for you?

CLIENT: It's been hard because we can't go out as much. He used to earn a lot more money than me and he could pay for more things and we could go out more. But like the other day, he needed a check to put into our account so he could pay the electric bill or the cable bill or something. He needed to like... (pause) and I had to pay rent so I could only give him $100 because the ACH forward from my trust account didn't go through. I feel guilty that I'm taking all of this money out of my trust when I should be saving it for a down-payment or something. [00:25:34]

THERAPIST: Worried about the money the two of you have, both how it's affected right now how much fun you can have and doing stuff, but really about your future.

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) [00:26:16]

THERAPIST: Also it's been frustrating having him continue looking for jobs.

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, not that I don't want him to have a good job, I just want it to happen faster. (pause) [00:26:55]

THERAPIST: What comes to mind?

CLIENT: He told me that if he was going to get a job he'd want to work at a place like a bookstore or something, just because we had to save up money for the wedding in terms of his savings. We were talking about this bookstore and we were talking about this bookstore. We were talking about one called [inaudible] Used Books, and there is one here and there's a really nice one down the street. I'm just imagining walking down the street and him looking for places to work and me trying to find something to drum up something for myself. [00:28:18] I just imagined a business card that says my name and some of the things I do like photography, child care I don't know. Something like that. I've been thinking about putting an ad on Craig's List that says, "Babysitter who works and lives in the area. Available starting at 6:00 PM." Something like that. [00:28:49]

THERAPIST: Just for extra money?

CLIENT: Just for extra money, yeah.

THERAPIST: How does all that make you feel him looking for work; you looking for work?

CLIENT: You know, we've talked about how I like my down time and I like time to myself and stuff like that, (pause) I think that would be hard. I don't mind babysitting a couple of nights a week, but I don't know. It just feels like (pause) I guess I always thought that people who went to college just graduated college and got good jobs and lived a nice lifestyle like on Friends or something. Even though sometimes some of them didn't have jobs or none of them ever seemed to really be struggling, they still had money coming from somewhere. They lived in Manhattan in really nice apartments. I thought that when you graduated college you automatically got paid $60,000 a year. I don't know where I thought that up from. [00:30:58]

THERAPIST: Sounds like a wish. Sounds like a nice wish.

CLIENT: I don't know where I came up with that idea, though.

THERAPIST: Well I think it was a kind of hope that something about it would be a bit I don't know if "easy" is the right word but "easier" than it has been. When I get this sense from you I think that when you kind of get into your feelings about how hard this is, it can be very grinding to you. It can be very hard on you. It's almost like that's a lot to sort out and sort through. I guess what I hear in all of this is that you're worried understandably so. How are you and Phil going to get by? Boy, it hasn't been easy and it hasn't been easy for a while. It's been tiring for you. It's been a grind. It hasn't been easy. It hasn't been nearly as easy as you imagined. (pause) [00:32:59]

CLIENT: Is that the new one?

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: How much did you get for your old one?

THERAPIST: I still have it. I haven't gotten rid of it. Weren't you the one that told me about...?

CLIENT: There's a website called Gazelle or something.

THERAPIST: Gazelle, yeah. I've been hearing it now. I would try to sell it. What were you just thinking of before that?

CLIENT: I was thinking about a crime novel book of short stories that I read about a woman who couldn't stand her husband, so she poisoned him and threw him down the well and put concrete down the well. A little morbid. It's a funny book, though. You know that book fair that was in the Common I guess last weekend and the weekend before? I bought it there. I like short stories. I like reading short stories and I like crime short stories. [00:34:15]

THERAPIST: Why did she do it?

CLIENT: She just got sick of him, I guess. He only had one joke that he told over and over and over again every day of their life whenever they were out in public. He would just disappear after they were in a fight and he took all of her stuff out of the garden shed to store the stuff he was going to build a bunker or fall-out shelter or something. He was going to dig the well out and build a fall-out shelter, so he put all of his stuff in there and threw out all of her mahogany-handled garden tools into the compost pile and they were all rotted. I don't know what happened. I forget. But she made him spicy meatloaf, which is like his favorite meal and then chucked him out to the well, which was like a dry well and threw him down the thing. Then he had all of this concrete and she opened up the concrete and put in some compost and put in some concrete and turned on the hose and buried him there. [00:35:43]

THERAPIST: Creative.

CLIENT: It was creative. I would never do that, but she was like, "And it still looks like the bottom of a well."

THERAPIST: Oh it was so deep or something that you couldn't tell?

CLIENT: Because it's so deep or because she put the compost in so it was still dark down there or something. But I guess she just got so fed up. I don't think I would ever be fed up with Phil. Bored, maybe, but he doesn't irk me. (pause) [00:36:41]

THERAPIST: What an interesting association, though.

CLIENT: Yeah, I know. I'm terrible.

THERAPIST: What? What do you mean?

CLIENT: Umm. I don't know. I just feel like sometimes my mind wanders and you ask me what I'm thinking about and I don't think it has to do with anything, but I tell you anyway. So, I guess, I try not to think about the recordings but I still think it's weird.

THERAPIST: Why? What about the recording?

CLIENT: Somebody is going to think I'm going to bury my husband. (laughs) (pause) Stop. [00:37:46]

THERAPIST: Somebody is going to sit there and listen and go "Ohh. If I see that on the news report, I know where to go." Well, case in point of going into what are your feelings and how frightening they can be sometimes. I don't know. You don't seem frightened, you seem more surprised, I guess, or something. Maybe not even surprised.

CLIENT: I'm not frightened that I'm going to bury him at the bottom of a dry well. I'm frightened that I'm going to get bored and cheat on him or something.

THERAPIST: That's what I mean. (pause) Hmm. (pause) [00:39:15]

CLIENT: What would you do for a $100,000? What did you give out for Halloween?

THERAPIST: I didn't give out anything. I live on a three/four condo. My street is just packed with kids. It's like Mardi Gras for kids, so my neighbor who lives on the first floor was just outside with all the other homeowners and kids were running up grabbing candy. It's really something. It's like you can't drive down the street for two or three hours.

CLIENT: I had two trick-or-treaters. They were dressed as local middle school students from the [inaudible] (ph?) team. They were in their school uniforms. (chuckles) They looked like eighth graders or something.

THERAPIST: Is that right?

CLIENT: And then somebody rang my doorbell at ten minutes to 8:00 and I refused to answer. If you rang my doorbell at ten minutes to 8:00, you're probably 17 trick-or-treating. [00:40:33]

THERAPIST: Well, just to say, I think this is important stuff for you to be getting into. I wonder what made you reach for the candy bar there. Not to be hyper-analytical.

CLIENT: Avoidance.

THERAPIST: Yeah. You just had said something about that. Well, I guess we should call it a day. Just to talk about the move and everything...

CLIENT: The what?

THERAPIST: The move to the different office...

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