TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: Yeah, they're totally different animals.

THERAPIST: Yeah, they're not even animals. Yeah, that was my voice you heard.

CLIENT: I could do that tonight, but I don't know when I'm going to do it or whom I'm going to call.

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah. I was calling this place, Café. It's near the Square. There's a bus line, but it's not easy to get, though, unless you're driving; then it's easy. Why? Are you in the market for some collard greens? Is that sounding appealing? [00:01:03]

CLIENT: No. Just something that Phil doesn't have to cook and that he won't upset his stomach. He was born it was near [inaudible].

THERAPIST: Where?

CLIENT: Indiana.

THERAPIST: Is he? All right. I love that.

CLIENT: Not nearly as good as Clearly Canadian.

THERAPIST: Clearly Canadian?

CLIENT: Yeah, you remember Clearly Canadian, right?

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: Yeah. It was this clear, fizzy drink that was I liked the blackberry flavor.

THERAPIST: It's kind of like a seltzer?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: A flavored seltzer.

CLIENT: That's back when I was a little kid. It was sweet; it was sweet like soda. [00:02:01]

THERAPIST: It had some sugar?

CLIENT: Yeah. It says "no calories," but it was sweetened. (pause) Kat drives me crazy.

THERAPIST: What's that?

CLIENT: Kat, my she thinks she's my boss, but she's really not. She's my co-teacher. She is so grumpy and so uncommunicating. Last week in the team meeting we all agreed that she would serve lunch, I would serve snack, Sarah would serve breakfast, and then we would do the diapers at a time when we weren't serving food. Today we were starting to implement it and she has to serve lunch, and she's so mad. "Rice. I hate rice." I was like, "At least it's not mashed potatoes." Mashed potatoes are impossible to clean up. She was so mad and then I put a kid to sleep and she noticed that he was asleep. She noticed and she was like, "Oh he's asleep." I said, "Okay," and then I went to help a different kid. She was like, "he is asleep." I said, "No he's not." [00:03:40]

THERAPIST: She said what?

CLIENT: She was just mad that I was putting kids to sleep instead of helping her clean, but she didn't say that. She was just being rude and short, you know? She started to serve lunch. All the kids were served and she was about to feed one of the babies a bottle and she goes, "Oh, come on. I'll feed the baby the bottle because I'm done serving." I'm like, "You're not done serving. They're not asking for more. You're going to have to serve them milk. You're going to have to serve them applesauce." She just I don't know. She just can't go along with any routine that we set up if it doesn't work for her and if she dislikes it, if it isn't convenient. It's hard. Then she has arthritis all over her body and weighs like 300 pounds but I don't really care. If it's that bad then you shouldn't be in the business. We're sitting on the floor all day with kids. [00:04:55]

THERAPIST: She'll throw in the towel if the going gets rough.

CLIENT: Yeah. But if she sees somebody else struggling, she's like, "Oh, I'll do that," so that she can have the power of succeeding in doing whatever that thing was.

THERAPIST: Tough customer. (pause)

CLIENT: I just really hope Phil gets this job so that I can be done or that they hire somebody so that I can be with Margaret and Florence.

THERAPIST: Because you're now in Kat's room indefinitely? [00:05:51]

CLIENT: I'm in Kat's room until they hire somebody for that classroom. There are two open positions. One is in Margaret and Florence's room and one is in Kat's room. I'm filling in Kat's room because he promised the parents that I would be in there until they hired somebody.

THERAPIST: is there any reason why they wanted you? Was there a parent that wanted you?

CLIENT: No. She just told the parents in a letter that I would be in that classroom until they hired somebody; so instead of putting the temp in that room, they're putting the temp in Margaret and Florence's room where the other opening is. They're telling the parents in that room that, once they hire somebody in 120, I'll work full time in that classroom which is what will happen. It's just taking a long time and there are a whole lot of other things on my director's plate right now. We're getting reaccredited; we have to send in all this stuff. I have to find my diploma or something that proves I finished at school. [00:07:10]

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: All sorts of stuff. Jessica, who works down in the transition room, is becoming an A&E and is probably going to give her two-weeks on Friday. I don't want to work with Florence a different Florence. Other Florence; cancer Florence, who has essentially has called me ugly and stupid to my face. I mean, I hadn't seen her in six or eight months. She was finishing cancer treatments and I saw her at a professional day meeting. I show up and have no make-up on. I never wear make-up, but I didn't have concealer on; no mascara nothing. She goes, "Uhh. You look tired." I'm like, "Yeah, okay." "You look exhausted." "I really don't like when people say that to me." "You just look rough. You look like you've had a hard time." I'm like, "Okay. Thanks." [00:08:30]

THERAPIST: How many different ways do you want to say it, Florence?

CLIENT: I'm pretty sure she has Tourette's, actually. Then when I was a new teacher I put a kid on the floor to sit and he couldn't sit. He slumped over and she was like, "(sniggers) Stupid." She didn't say it out loud to my face, but she whispered it and I heard it. She says everything three times in a different way, she twitches she has this twitch and she talks really loud. She doesn't know when to stop. [00:09:15]

THERAPIST: What's not to love?

CLIENT: She's like 55 and losing her mother.

THERAPIST: The whole package.

CLIENT: And Jessica says she does no work. Jessica does all the curriculum, all of the observations for all nine kids, serves all the meals, changes all the diapers, runs circle time. [00:10:01]

THERAPIST: So there's the risk of you getting thrown into that?

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: After they've hired somebody to replace you? It ain't looking good there, though, is what you're getting at.

CLIENT: No. Everybody is leaving. (pause)

THERAPIST: What do you think?

CLIENT: I'm just thinking about the parents and what they're going to think when I leave and Jessica leaves. That will be somebody from every classroom in less than six months because Audrey left I'm pretty sure she was fired, but nobody really said what happened and Drea (sp?) left. Another left to go to preschool. (pause) [00:11:17]

THERAPIST: You guess the parents are not going to love it.

CLIENT: I think some of them won't be fazed by it and some of them will notice. The ones that are attuned to teachers will notice and the ones that think of us as babysitters will just think, "Oh, Mrs. So-and-so (sp?) has a high turnover," [...] (inaudible at 00:11:57) which is true. But when I was hired, a lot of ratings said they get very low turnover. (pause) I just feel like I need an out, but I don't feel like I can apply for jobs in other cities if Phil's going to be the one making most of the money. [00:12:51]

THERAPIST: Yeah. You feel stuck there and you've felt that way for a while, whether it's by career limitations what you can do and what's available or it's moving. But, yeah, you've felt this way for a while.

CLIENT: Yes. (pause) I really don't know how to look at it. They told him to come and stay maybe for an extra day because he might want to look around the city and see where he wanted to live. I think that means that he just has to be nice and happy and smile and agreeable the kind of person that they want to hire. [00:14:01]

THERAPIST: Are they flying him back?

CLIENT: I forget if they're paying for the whole thing. I think they are.

THERAPIST: They must be serious, having him fly out and check out the city. That might be the exit from all of this.

CLIENT: I hope so. (pause) [00:15:18] I don't know what really to do because the nice thing about working where I work is that the benefits are pretty good.

THERAPIST: Which benefits?

CLIENT: Like health benefits and vacation time.

THERAPIST: At your current job? How much vacation do you get?

CLIENT: I get ten sick days, two personal days, and this year I should get three weeks of vacation.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that's good. [00:16:12]

CLIENT: I mean, the health benefits are kind of lackluster, but I don't feel like anybody gives Blue Cross anymore. You're lucky if you get [inaudible] or something, you know?

THERAPIST: Yeah, there are a lot of places that are cutting corners.

CLIENT: Speaking of that, do you have a way of totaling how much I paid you last year? Or could I just look at my own checks in my bank account?

THERAPIST: I should have record of it. I'll let you know if I don't. I should have all of that.

CLIENT: Because I should be able to deduct it.

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah. [00:17:11]

CLIENT: I should be getting a refund anyway. I don't know if a deduction makes my refund go up.

THERAPIST: Sure. It can.

CLIENT: We'll see. (pause) The wedding bands are a lot of money. (pause) The other night I had a stress dream about my sister and my wedding what she was wearing to the wedding. I have been stressed about it because she keeps buying dresses that I haven't seen and I don't really know if I like. She hasn't sought out the dresses that I told her to look at. She keeps saying that she wants to save money, but she's spent over $3-400 on five dresses already, so she hasn't saved any money. [00:19:23]

THERAPIST: You mean she's bought five different dresses for the wedding?

CLIENT: Bridesmaid, yeah. And she's like my only bridesmaid. I told her to just wear pink or orange, and then I told her a whole bunch of ones I liked from David's Bridal and she never went to a David's Bridal. When she did go it was closed and she didn't try to go again. So she bought this grey one that I was perfectly fine with. Then she was watching Project Runway and Tim Gunn or Michael Kors was like, "Nobody ever looks good in tight satin. It doesn't do anybody any favors." Then she couldn't wear that dress. [00:20:12]

THERAPIST: Could she return it or if she buys it, she's stuck with it?

CLIENT: She can't return it to the store. It was half-price and final sale. It was a boutique shop. There's only one place. Then she bought one or two online. I think she might have bought one from Nordstrom that I liked, but she said it didn't look good. I don't know. Something made her boobs look too big. Another one from J Crew totally didn't fit at all. Then there was one from Anthropology which, in the picture I really didn't like, and then it turned out I tried it on in the fitting room and I liked it. But I think that one is already in her regular wardrobe or is no longer in contention. [00:21:13] Then she sent me a picture of this one from some boutique in D.C. and it's kind of cute, but I haven't seen it in person, it's not really the material I was imagining. It's kind of the right color, but it kind of looks dated like ten years old. I don't know. [00:21:53]

THERAPIST: What is it kind of bringing up to you?

CLIENT: That she doesn't listen to me. She never listens to me. She never listens to my needs; she just interprets and does what she wants. I know that if I tell her that I want her to wear something specific, she's going to be like, "This one is going to be fine. Don't worry about it. It's just a dress." But like, "I told you to look at these dresses and you didn't. I know you wanted to save money and not spend $170 on the dress from Nordstrom but... " She's already spent like $300 or $400 on these dresses. I think it was like $99 or $110 from the boutique one. The two she returned. The one from Anthropology was $80, and I don't know how much the other one was. It's just like, "I'm not asking for much and I know that you're eager to get this done, but all you have to do is go to a David's Bridal with the style numbers I gave you." [00:23:13] When I go home in March, I'm hoping she'll be willing to go. At least I'll look at her bridesmaid's dress. And then my mom and I were talking about flowers (sighs) and she wants me to get flowers from the wholesale flower people and then do it themselves. Personally, I don't really want to deal with that. I don't want to deal with how I'm going to refrigerate 20 centerpieces. How am I going to get somebody to nicely assemble 20 centerpieces plus my bouquet, boutonnieres, the bouquet, flowers we want in the meeting house and the flowers we want outside of the meeting house? It's like a portion of it like just the meeting house flowers fine, but I don't want to be the one to take that on. I understand everybody is trying to save me some money, but don't add to the stress. [00:24:43]

THERAPIST: Right. It's already going to be a stressful occasion. You don't want that on your plate. How have you been dealing with these things? What have you been...?

CLIENT: I talked to Chrissie in the car and I told her about my stress dreams and she tells me about how her roommate hates her, which she probably doesn't.

THERAPIST: You kind of vent.

CLIENT: Yeah, we vent with each other. I try to tell my mom that I'm not sure about Anna's dress and she's like, "We just have to let it go." I'm like, "No promises." I had a stress dream about it. In my stress dream she opened two bottles of the exact same wine, poured herself two glasses of wine from two bottles, was drinking two bottles of wine, and then her dress arrived and it was this black and red, flamenco dress. [00:25:54]

THERAPIST: Not suitable for the occasion.

CLIENT: Not suitable for the occasion.

THERAPIST: What happened with the wine?

CLIENT: I was just mad at her that she opened two bottles.

THERAPIST: She opened two bottles for herself.

CLIENT: Yeah, but it was the same wine. I know that I should say something, but...

THERAPIST: Yeah. What?

CLIENT: I'm just worried that everything at my wedding is going to be a big cluster fuck. I'm going to be dressed really nice. I don't know who's doing my hair and make-up. I don't know who's doing the flowers. Anna has got eight dresses. I don't know what Phil is wearing. I don't know if Phil's brother is going to be there. I don't know what anything is going to look like. I'm on my third wedding planner catering contact from the hotel because they all find new jobs. I'm starting to worry that the caterer or whoever is in charge over there, is terrible to work with or to work at or something. I told my mother that when she meets with this third person she has to put the fear of God in her because neither person contacted us when they left the position. [00:27:49]

THERAPIST: What do you mean, they just flaked out? They didn't tell anybody that they were leaving?

CLIENT: They didn't write an e-mail to say, "I'm leaving the position and this is your new person."

THERAPIST: What did they say?

CLIENT: Nothing. Nothing.

THERAPIST: You just called back and...

CLIENT: Just like the next time when I have a question and I have an e-mail, the e-mail goes unanswered. You write another e-mail and e-mail them, make a phone call and the phone call goes unanswered and then you feel like, "Oh, this happened before.

THERAPIST: Wow. You mean the person that you're contacting has left the company?

CLIENT: Yeah. Left the hotel as an employee. Instead of writing an e-mail to all her clients, she just leaves.

THERAPIST: That hasn't happened just once, it's happened twice?

CLIENT: Twice.

THERAPIST: Twice? Is that ever odd. Wow.

CLIENT: And my mom finally somehow got in touch with the man who is the catering boss, and now he knows.

THERAPIST: Oh, you're just dealing with the Catering specifically? I got it. [00:28:58]

CLIENT: Yes. Now he knows. My mom is supposed to be having a meeting with this woman, this third person, number three, but I don't know when that is. It's really stressful and I have to remind myself that this is a big piece of first-world problems.

THERAPIST: There is this other element of it where you're kind of gauging how much people really taking this seriously. Are people really taking my feelings seriously about this? Whether it's somebody not calling you back to deal with the fact that the bride might be a little worried about the food to your mom kind of going, "Hey " [00:30:07]

CLIENT: But it isn't just the catering, it's the venue.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: You've been there. You've been to their conference halls.

THERAPIST: Yeah. It's a fancy place.

CLIENT: It's going to be pretty. If I can get number three to stick around, it's going to be fine. It's really hard because I'm far away. There have been times where I just want to quit and go home for the next few months so that I can deal with all of it. (pause) But...

THERAPIST: But "them's the breaks". Is that the kind of...?

CLIENT: Yeah. I mean, I guess so. [00:31:02]

THERAPIST: I think the dream, too what it made me think of is that this kind of captures this sense of your sister being...

CLIENT: Selfish.

THERAPIST: Yeah. And I guess what it also made me think of is that you've spoken in the past of this kind of dialog that happens between you and your sister of who is selfish and who is needy and who is bratty and stuff. I was thinking, "So then does that make it if you insist or something or if you put it back on her and say, ‘I really need this,' that suddenly you're the one that's...?"

CLIENT: Right. Suddenly I'm like a bitchy bridezilla.

THERAPIST: You're a bitchy bridezilla.

CLIENT: Anna is very independent. When I was diagnosed with MS my parents kind of freaked out and started giving me a lot of attention; and so she kind of had to find her own way in a lot of things. I totally get that. She's very independent and has lots of friends in a lot of places, but I wouldn't be surprised if she's visited the city without telling me in the past seven years just to spend time with her friends and not me. It wouldn't surprise me at all.

THERAPIST: Hmm. Hmm. Wow.

CLIENT: There are times when, if she is in town, I have to demand that she come downtown so that I don't have to go into town so that we can meet downtown. She's like, "But if you just come here, then we can spend more time together because then I don't have to go on the train." I'm like, "If you just had come here half an hour ago like I asked you to, we wouldn't be having this conversation." [00:33:13]

THERAPIST: It sounds like you feel like it's got these kind of roots.

CLIENT: It does. It has the roots of I mean, she probably still thinks of me as like 17. I remember driving somewhere with her and she was saying something and I was like, "I don't really feel that way." She was like, "When you turn 18, you'll understand." I turned 18 six months ago or a year and a half ago. She has no concept that I'm an adult so she just thinks that I'm being she thought I was mean as a kid, but it was because she would always try and take advantage of me and get one over on me, so I had to be mean and say, "No. No you can't have that." [00:34:20]

THERAPIST: Wow. It kind of sounds like a dynamic still alive.

CLIENT: A little bit. We don't talk about it.

THERAPIST: But it's like in action right now, this like, "Wait a second. I want you to buy the dress that I requested from you. It's my wedding." (laughs) That kind of thing.

CLIENT: Right. I would do the same for her, but I also know that she's probably going to elope because my sister find out how much my parents are giving us for the wedding and she just said, "I don't want a wedding, I want a condo." So they gave her money for the condo instead. [00:35:10]

THERAPIST: So, in a way, this is her wedding, too.

CLIENT: Yep.

THERAPIST: She wants to wear the dress that she wants to wear.

CLIENT: It's not that bad. I try and like it when I look at it. I want a bridesmaid's dress. She looks like calamari when she wears it.

THERAPIST: Like calamari?

CLIENT: Yeah, but not fried calamari like a live calamari. She went to the inaugural ball and she wore a dress that looked really nice on her.

THERAPIST: Is that right she went to the inaugural ball? [00:36:01]

CLIENT: Yeah. Her boyfriend is a political aide. I don't know. I guess it's not that bad, but it just look so... It just doesn't do it for me.

THERAPIST: Yeah. It would have the low ruffles?

CLIENT: Low ruffles down the front.

THERAPIST: Yeah. So you don't want to turn to your right and see a squid.

CLIENT: Right. I know it's not that important, but...

THERAPIST: Well, I think, yeah, maybe in the grand scheme of things it's not the biggest thing in the world. But I think what you're getting at is that there's something, first of all, very important about this dynamic between the two of you. And then, secondly, there is also this way in which I think what can kind of happen is that you don't want to be like the 17-year-old who says "no." Or that she casts you in the role of you being mean. You want to be more receptive to her. But at the same time, you want what you want it's your wedding. You face the dilemma of "how much room can I complain about this? How are my feelings going to be taken?" And even your mom comes in, "Hey, you're taking this too seriously." I don't know what she said.

CLIENT: She told me to let the thing just go. I don't know what the hell that means, but I get the gist. I don't know. The dress just reminds me of the year 2002 or something. I know it's not too bad. It could be worse. It could be 1992. [00:38:14]

THERAPIST: I think most brides do want to have their choice on the bridesmaid's dress.

CLIENT: I know I'm not going to have a row of girls all dressed the same. I could. I could and my friends would do it for me. Paige would do it. She would be like 11 months pregnant or something, but she would do it. Laura would do it. She might not wear a dress.

THERAPIST: But you haven't asked your friends to do that? You just asked them to...

CLIENT: No, I haven't. I haven't asked anybody to be a bridesmaid except Anna.

THERAPIST: Is that right? Do you think you will or won't?

CLIENT: I wasn't going to but... (pause) [00:39:33] I just didn't feel like I needed a big "court" or whatever you call it. I feel like I need more support than what I'm getting.

THERAPIST: Hmm. Yeah.

CLIENT: Like my friends are supportive and I don't know if asking anybody to be a bridesmaid would change that, but at least if I said to Anna, "Oh, I'm having three more bridesmaids and this is what you're wearing," she'd probably be really pissed. But she would wear it.

THERAPIST: Did you have a reason why you didn't have bridesmaids?

CLIENT: I just thought of Quaker weddings. I've been to plenty of Quaker weddings when there have been like eight bridesmaids and I just think that's a lot. (pause) I thought in the manner of simplicity, we didn't need it; plus Phil doesn't have a whole gaggle full of friends that would be his groomsmen. [00:41:15]

THERAPIST: She reminds me so much of the discussions we were having about the ring and what the ring meant to you diamond. What I was thinking about in particular was that you kind of have this internal conflict around wanting to be kind of modest and appreciative of what you have. And yet, you feel on the other hand that you really want it to be special. You want it to be meaningful. You don't want it to be stressful. You want it to go right. You want it to be important, just like the ring. And yet, to speak to that side of your desire, you feel... [00:42:09]

CLIENT: (whispers) Guilty.

THERAPIST: Guilty. (pause) Let the fishes go. Let those fishes go. (pause)

CLIENT: I'm not trying to be bridezilla, but she's not listening to me at all. And then another part of me says, "What do I care if she looks bad in the dress?"

THERAPIST: Let the fishes go.

CLIENT: Right. First of all, she's skinnier than me and prettier than me so, if she looks bad in the dress, it only makes me look better. (pause) [00:43:38]

THERAPIST: No, it's a special day for you.

CLIENT: Is that really terrible for me to say? It's not nice, I know that.

THERAPIST: I don't think it's nice about yourself. I also think it's somewhat of a I was just thinking of it being, not a rationalization per se, but kind of "every cloud has a silver lining" kind of thing. But I think all of this uncertainty about what you can ask for and what's appropriate and what's going to get you tagged as complaining or bridezilla yeah. Just like the discussion about the ring and your feelings about the ring. You want it to be special and, on the other hand, you're feeling like, "Does this make me unappreciative?" [00:44:40]

CLIENT: Yeah, I like the ring now. It's not like the three-carat stunner with fancy cluster diamonds on the side that some people have. I have to remember not to compare myself to the yuppies from South yuppie parents from South who all work in the financial district or in the medical field. I don't know. It is like the ring, but I decided that I would feel too guilty if I changed the ring or asked Phil to change the ring. But I don't think I would feel guilty if I asked Anna to try on some dresses with me at David's Bridal. There's no commitment. I actually regret not trying on more dresses at David's Bridal. It's so expensive, my dress. It feels really expensive.

THERAPIST: Maybe we should stop, but there is certainly a lot there. Certainly a lot there.

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