Client "Ju", Session February 20, 2013: Client expresses anxiety about returning to work and discusses job dissatisfaction. trial
TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: I'll need to recalculate the bill.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: And I'll still I will send you the balance once the overall [inaudible 00:00:11] change. It's just that I guess what I will do for January is just send you what the amount per session will be, or was, more accurately. It should be about $20 bucks a visit, something like that. And then, if you don't mind my not I'll have everything all worked out for the next bill, but instead of redoing the whole bill for January, if I just send you the amount per session, you would pay it?
CLIENT: That's fine. That's cool.
THERAPIST: Alright. And the reason it's working this way is so I remain what's called an indemnity provider for Blue Cross.
[00:01:06]
They used to be an indemnity insurance plan, which were different from PPOs and HMO plans. There are nearly none of them anymore, but there was some administrative reason that I was advised to continue as an indemnity only provider, as opposed to just having a PPO. It turns out that [inaudible 00:01:31] insurance actually has an indemnity component. I didn't even know it could happen. Like a PPO or a POS, and then there's an indemnity component.
CLIENT: Okay. (laughs)
THERAPIST: It doesn't actually affect it only has an administrative effect, but it means, because I am technically in network for that piece of the plan, that it only comes to me. So I hope it's clear why I couldn't see that coming.
[00:02:05]
CLIENT: Yes. That is one of the weirder things.
THERAPIST: Yeah. So (pause) that's kind of how it's working.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: I think that's probably also good for you, because it probably I'll check, but it probably means you don't have a deductible for seeing me, which, if I were entirely out of network, you probably would.
CLIENT: I think so. I missed for various reasons, I missed a chance to up the [inaudible 00:02:57] flexible spending, so I'm kind of like "I don't know things." Everything seems the same except for flex spending, [inaudible 00:03:05] also...
[00:03:06]
THERAPIST: [inaudible 00:03:07]?
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I've never actually dealt with a medical deductible.
THERAPIST: Right. This will be a little easier way, but I think I can do it on this.
CLIENT: Also, can I pay you with my debit card or do you want a check?
THERAPIST: Debit card is fine. In fact, one thing I've been thinking of doing -
CLIENT: You'd mentioned setting up a client site where I could just -
THERAPIST: Yeah, my [inaudible 00:03:40] was being completely lame about that. They said it was supposed to be up well, you know what I was talking about. They said it was supposed to be up in mid-October; haven't heard anything about it.
[00:04:00]
One thing I could do would be we could either do weekly swiping or, if you want, I can take your credit card number and I can put it into Square manually every week. I usually do billing over the weekend. That way instead of taking time during the session, I can just do the co-pay for the sessions we have that week, and it can automatically send you a receipt if you want.
CLIENT: That would be great.
THERAPIST: That has the advantage of I or both of us are less likely to forget, and we don't have to take time out of the session, as long as you don't mind my having your card.
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: Okay. Alright, so it looks like (pause) looking sort of the quick and dirty way to see if they what? Huh. Look at that.
[00:05:12]
CLIENT: No deductibles?
THERAPIST: Okay, I think I... let me see what's going on here. It doesn't look like you have a deductible. I don't think. The first session they paid for is January 15th. They haven't responded about the four sessions before that. But I guess I'd assume if it was going to be a deductible, it probably wouldn't be on the first one, still the first one that they processed, even if the person was billed earlier. Yeah, let me look into this more. (pause)
[00:06:10]
Do you care about billing that $30 instead of $29.64?
CLIENT: Oh my God, that's fine.
THERAPIST: Okay, just for the sake of round numbers.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: Alright, good.
[00:07:00]
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: Let's see. Do you want to give me your credit card? Easiest thing mind if I take a picture of it?
CLIENT: That's fine.
THERAPIST: It's just like lighter right here, unless I'm totally blocking the thing.
CLIENT: I know, it's dated.
THERAPIST: That looks like 2878. I think I can still read it.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Took it, thanks.
CLIENT: Yeah, it is 2878. Unless oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, I'm just super I'm really tired today.
[00:08:08]
THERAPIST: I am not surprised.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: That's all the administrative stuff I've got, and I will what I will do is it okay, in that case I sent you the dates for January. Two more administrative things that I think will be quick. One, is it okay if I bill your card for $30 a visit for the session to date this year?
CLIENT: Yeah, how many is...?
THERAPIST: That would be on the bill that I sent.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: I can count them if you want.
CLIENT: Actually, if you just do it and then send me the receipt, it'll be fine. If you do it, that'd be good, yeah.
[00:09:00]
THERAPIST: Alright. Looks like 10 as of last week. So that's like $300 bucks.
CLIENT: Okay.
THERAPIST: Yeah, I will have it send your receipt. Is e-mail better for the receipt?
CLIENT: E-mail is what we like.
THERAPIST: Okay, then I will have it do that. And in that case, do you need a bill beyond the receipts from being charged each week?
CLIENT: No, because I can get in my flexible spending. (pause) Sorry, if I don't put it in, I'll never remember that I have it.
THERAPIST: I understand. (laughs)
CLIENT: Because nothing happens [inaudible 00:10:01]. (pause) I'm seeing Dr. [inaudible 00:10:14] tomorrow. I'm really exhausted.
[00:10:22]
THERAPIST: Yeah, I bet.
CLIENT: I also had a horrible time falling asleep last night.
THERAPIST: You seemed incredibly anxious yesterday. I mean, for the reasons you were talking about, but still.
CLIENT: Yeah. It was frustrating [inaudible 00:10:38] and it was frustrating to me is so (pause) [inaudible 00:10:46] by nature. I had to get a cab, and then suddenly she's like "Oh wait, I can just drive you home." So yeah, I got home. And because I was so anxious, I'm like, "I'll try taking Valium, because that usually knocks out everything," and it didn't.
[00:11:08]
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: Yeah, I was impressed. Then I took Ambien at the evening, and I was just like doo doo doo, still awake. I had asked some friends for like "[inaudible 00:11:25] meditation audio files or something?" So I ended up listening to one of those on repeat till I fell asleep. Then I woke up at 3 a.m. for an hour.
THERAPIST: Wow.
CLIENT: Yeah. Not great.
THERAPIST: No.
CLIENT: I was pretty much done with the day by noon. Just a thing.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Is your part-time schedule going to be Monday, Wednesday, Friday?
[00:12:01]
CLIENT: Mm-hm.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: Yeah, and it's sort of still remaining things I don't understand and I'm not getting very well explained. Like I have to submit a paper timesheet, and normally I have to do everything online, but I have to e-mail a paper timesheet, and I didn't understand half of what was on it. (laughs) And it had to be submitted by tomorrow. So I'm just like, "All right. Guess I'll just fill in what I can guess and you'll tell me I'm wrong, and hopefully something..." My cube is super small. I had the moving boxes, I had to unpack them before I could effectively use my desk. A friend drove us out on the lake at 8:30, so I was like doo doo doo, unpack, finally manage to sit.
[00:13:13]
It's such, it's such a distracting environment. Partially, I'm like super exhausted, but (pause) you know, [inaudible 00:13:36] with four people in the office that's this size, doing stuff. And the students, because they're students, are sometimes chatting or sometimes asking a bazillion questions. Chet had said that if you try to avoid wearing headphones because if someone might poke their head in and ask a question like if someone asks a question, there's a pole in the middle of the room. So if I [inaudible00:14:14] not hear it, the person wouldn't get assistance, etc. Right now I'm like it would be nice to be able to do work.
[00:14:23]
THERAPIST: Which would be much easier with headphones.
CLIENT: It would be much easier without all the distractions, because I'd probably just put the headphones on white noise. Which I love doing. So like desk. What was kind of nice is there was a new hires coffee social today, so I went. I was kind of like "Hey everyone, I'm back." So that was nice.
[00:15:02]
THERAPIST: That's a good venue for doing that.
CLIENT: Yeah. Then, again, I was exhausted standing up. Also, four new librarian hires; all four happen to be younger, white, blonde women. Yep, felt great about that. Yeah, I just went "everything's horrible." The two things that are currently well, and then, I met with Chet. He sort of was asking questions about foundations and various things, and his concerns were more about would I be working a full-time schedule in April. I'm like, probably 90 percent yes. I just, I don't know. To me, I was like, "That's a while." End of April.
[00:16:11]
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I'm like "Oh yeah, whatever, sure." Then IT has some other questions about things I could do. And the part that made me the two things that made me confused and stressed. Harry [sp], the head of IT, and maybe Chet as well, want me to start accounting for all my time in 15 minute blocks.
THERAPIST: In 15 minute blocks?
CLIENT: No less than 15 minutes. So...
THERAPIST: No more than 15 minutes?
CLIENT: Or, yeah well, like -
[00:17:00]
THERAPIST: [inaudible 00:17:01]?
CLIENT: Yeah, which, so...
THERAPIST: Wasn't there something about this awhile ago? Is this a continuation of that?
CLIENT: I don't know.
THERAPIST: Or is it some new micromanagement?
CLIENT: I actually don't know. I think it's new micromanagement. I have to talk to IT on Friday and find out. Like many forms of micromanagement, this makes me being asked to account for my time that detailed makes me like completely "fuck you." My first response in my head was "fuck you," and then I didn't say it, of course. But I honestly never really grasped (pause) I don't know. I feel like making it mandatory makes a lot of people tense and cranky, and everyone whines on them, in my experience.
[00:18:22]
So I just don't see it, but whatever. And then Chet's like "Oh, I just had you go through and revise and update your job description," which made me nervous. He's like "Mostly I just changed the timing balance, what you spend more time on." I said "Okay." I'm looking at it, I'm like "Yeah, okay, that makes sense." Then I flipped it over and there's the list of requirements, and I'm not actually qualified for my job. (laughs)
[00:19:00]
THERAPIST: Oh, congratulations.
CLIENT: I know. In ways that make no sense. Under some of the required attributes or whatever include knowing [inaudible 00:19:18] stuff, which I do not, and I have never called upon. Chet's like, "Well, it's just more of like a preference." I'm like, "Yeah, but you have it in the requirements." And IT has put in that I need to have Microsoft certification. I think it was Microsoft certification; I think it was a hardware certification. Which I don't have. Because it's fucking expensive and no one wants to pay for me to have it. Also, if I had that certification, I wouldn't be working this job. So the kind of certification that is being listed as a requirement is usually only required for people one or two tiers above me.
[00:20:14]
THERAPIST: Oh. It's like, what is it?
CLIENT: So they're dumb, but I know. But it's like it's a little test that's like "Do you know how to use Windows?" and it goes into details, like various fixes and if the computer's doing this, what does that mean. I was certified at one point. It's kind of like a driver's test in that there's a lot of really half the information, you will never need or use. We had to memorize it.
THERAPIST: Right now I'm smiling because [inaudible 00:20:52] Windows crashes all the time. (laughs)
CLIENT: I know. I'm just like urgh. Yeah, and...
THERAPIST: It's a [inaudible 00:20:59], yeah.
[00:21:00]
CLIENT: And hardware certification means that you can open the computer box and...
THERAPIST: Yeah, like switch out a hard drive.
CLIENT: Much more than that. I can switch out a hard drive, but I can't do anything else. Because I can't it sounds weird, but the sort of rule of thumb is, if I need to use a screwdriver, I can't do it.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Because I would violate the warranty. If I was hardware certified -
THERAPIST: I see, then you wouldn't.
CLIENT: Then I could just be like and also, I would be allowed to order spare parts. Right now I have to get it from [inaudible 00:21:38] somewhere, someone who has hardware certification.
THERAPIST: How much do these things cost?
CLIENT: Basically your workplace pays for it, and it's several thousand dollars. So (pause) basically no one ever pays for their own. The way that you ideally do it is you're already certified let's say a year or two years, and then if you change jobs, they want to keep you certified, so they pay for the re-certification and things like that.
[00:22:15]
THERAPIST: Except your job doesn't.
CLIENT: Yeah, they very explicitly the rest of the IT Department I'm technically not part of the IT Department, and everyone else is at least Windows certified, and a couple of them are Mac certified as well. And I'm not. Myself and the person [inaudible 00:22:44] were both told that we could do that. And we're both kind of like, "Well, okay." It's not something that either of us are interested in; it's just one of those weird things where we're required to do [inaudible 00:23:03] budget meetings and do a lot of work.
[00:23:05]
And then randomly during these meetings, the head of IT brings up interesting and cool things that we would like to do that we can't. Or he's like, "This is something that everyone else, everyone in here could do except you two." And (pause) I've kind of stopped being insulted by it, and now I'm more like "Why can't this man figure out how to not keep on doing that?" It seems kind of obvious that you shouldn't, but...
So yeah, the revision of my job description does not make me happy, because that's one of the ways to get [inaudible 00:24:02] is if your job description is revised such that you are no longer qualified to do your job, then you don't get to do your job anymore.
[00:24:15]
THERAPIST: Oh.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Is that different from firing somebody?
CLIENT: Yes, because then I have the option to be transferred [inaudible 00:24:30]. I could get laid off, or other cryptic things. But basically, usually what happens is they're doing it to dump you somewhere else or because they want to take there's someone else they want to put in your job. They're sort of hand-waving salary and money and being like to kind of make it work.
[00:25:01]
THERAPIST: So is that maybe what they're doing?
CLIENT: I have no idea. It makes me nervous, because my job description says I'm not qualified for my job, and I was [inaudible 00:25:11] to Paul, but I'm just like, "If I had these things, I wouldn't work this job."
THERAPIST: You said that to him?
CLIENT: Yeah. And he's like, "Whoa." I'm like, seriously. Those are not the certifications that are relevant. If I had them, I'd work an IT job. And also, if you're saying these are the things that are requirements, that means if someone like for Cambridge, if something says it's a requirement and your resume doesn't have it, you're doomed. They can't hire you if you don't have everything that it says is required. Which is why they suggest listing things as "preferred" or "ideal" or whatever thing it was.
[00:26:04]
THERAPIST: Yeah. I'm not clear whether Chet's just being kind of flaky about all this, or furtive.
CLIENT: Yes. Basically. And he also pretty clearly forgot that I haven't told him why I was on the leave. I'm just like, hm. And I told certain people at this point. I'm just annoyed.
THERAPIST: At him.
CLIENT: At him.
THERAPIST: Which is why you're not telling him.
CLIENT: Yep. Also, since the last time I was on the leave, Karl and Chet have just (pause) violated the info by saying, "J is out on leave for medical reasons." Basically they were like "J's out on leave because she's having a surgery, dadadadada." I'm like, no. I did not say you could do that. That's inappropriate. You're supposed to ask me first.
[00:27:24]
Karl's like, "Well, you told me that you were having surgery." I'm like, yes. At no time did I say you could tell everyone else. Especially in a blast e-mail to like two library's worth of staff members. That violates these job guidelines and many other things, and it's also fucking annoying. Which is also another reason why I'm just not telling Chet, because I don't trust him to not blab it everywhere.
[00:28:00]
Yeah, the new employee reception was interesting. It was a good way to use it to "Hey everyone, I'm back," because there are people who are not in my building [inaudible 00:28:16]. Everyone's like "Oh, I'm so glad you're back," etc. But of course, it's also "I'm so glad you're back. You took forever to get my computer fixed." Which... I don't know. It's kind of like, give me extra I appreciate you more for about a month. Thanks. So you know, that's happening. And weirdly may sound weird all the Cambridge Library transition stuff still isn't settled.
[00:29:10]
THERAPIST: Yeah, I wondered about them bringing on librarians when the last I heard, which granted, was awhile ago, was that they hadn't decided -
CLIENT: They're term positions.
THERAPIST: Really?
CLIENT: Yeah, so that's I think one of the few things they can do. Also, someone managed to convince the Dean to let them hire four term positions, even though [inaudible 00:29:38] hire two. I have no idea who did that, how that happened. It seems to be magic. Letting it go.
But yeah, I was talking to someone from communications. He's like, "Yeah, it's really frustrating that I have all these ideas about how I want to merge this information, but I can't because we're still not it's still unclear who does things and who approves things." So no one can really do anything. Which kind of hoped they would get further along on this at this point.
[00:30:18]
THERAPIST: Is it like a permanent transition?
CLIENT: Yeah. It's really not good. Part of the library transition team had decided a three month notice to create a new library website it was a horrible page. I was like, well, that was a choice. That's not going to work very well. Why are you rolling out something new for like September, whatever. Also, Cambridge [inaudible 00:30:57]. And now they're doing disability testing on it. It's like, "Oh good, that's a little late. Okay." I'm glad they're doing that, I guess. I don't know.
[00:31:18]
The other thing that frustrates me about the annoying time micromanaging is that Chet sucks at assigning work, so he's like, "Well, you were spending more of your time doing media stuff." I was asking him, "What?" He's like "Well, you know, just media things. Not [inaudible 00:31:45], but you know, things. We're really busy, blah blah blah." It's like, I don't know what you want me to do. But there's apparently a lot of it, and he really wants to get working on it. And one of the new librarians they hired is also going to help do whatever [inaudible 00:32:14] supposed to be doing.
[00:32:17]
Which (pause) yeah. So it's been kind of a rough day. You know, just I'm really tired, and (pause). It sounds really silly, but the women's bathroom is on the other side of the building from where my office is.
THERAPIST: [inaudible 00:32:46].
CLIENT: So I'm just like so that's exhausting. And then I was going to look at my computer that wasn't working, and I ended up having to make I think like four or five trips from there back to my office in [inaudible 00:33:09] and I'm just like, "Oh my God, I'm so tired. I don't want to do this anymore."
[00:33:13]
(pause) I eventually got IT to deliver something to my office for me, instead of me walking over there, because I thought I was just going to die. But (pause) I guess that revised job description plus me feeling so tired out from walking...
THERAPIST: Well, I imagine you're tired from not sleeping last night, and that you're tired from being incredibly anxious yesterday and probably today. Anxiety is exhausting, and not sleeping is exhausting, and moving around a lot more than usual is exhausting.
[00:34:02]
CLIENT: Yeah, and that's one of the things that I had forgotten, or sort of not thought of as much, is that I really I can walk across the building kind of half the day, like from the office and this and that, and that's a lot of walking. I might actually get one of those pedometer things, out of curiosity, because I'm so tired. I'm just like, what am I doing? But (pause) yeah.
THERAPIST: Right. You're starting to see how much those little trips add up to. [00:35:00]
CLIENT: Yeah. It's also (pause) it's something that I've never been able to get like Chet or Harry in IT to really understand, is that I really do spend a lot of time walking around the building. Part of it is I do check on the computers in the morning, but that's actually really only one lap of the building. Maybe a lap and a half. But...
THERAPIST: [inaudible 00:35:41].
CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. Basically. In part because I don't want to tell Chet, I don't want to do other things, I have to keep on going back to my desk. Which (pause) does not help. I also discovered I have fewer spares than I thought of little pieces of equipment.
[00:36:10]
THERAPIST: I would imagine the physical part would probably get easier as you become less anxious and sleep better and get used to it.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't completely suck today and you're not completely worn out, clearly.
CLIENT: Yeah, my physical therapist said that it's basically it's [inaudible 00:36:37] of getting a form of exercise. So every week or every day it's a little easier. But yeah.
THERAPIST: I imagine it'll help not to have two days in a row.
CLIENT: Yeah, that was her strongest recommendation, was to she was like, either Tuesday, Thursday or Monday, Wednesday, Friday.
THERAPIST: Right.
[00:37:00]
CLIENT: And right now, I'm like, I shouldn't [inaudible 00:37:05] regrets, but whatever. (pause) I mean, the other thing is that I'm so physically tired and also I just felt like super overwhelmed with everything. It doesn't even matter the stuff the stuff with Edgar was definitely good, in a general way, but the [inaudible 00:37:40] for an hour, and I'm just like, what? I have to go sit down. (pause) I don't know. Taking in a lot of new information feels a little difficult. (pause) And I said that a little flippantly, but I am really disappointed that they hired four right white women.
[00:38:16]
THERAPIST: Yeah. You thought it was something like I'm not getting it quite right, but it was something like it makes you feel pretty horrible about being...
CLIENT: Yeah. (pause) I'm also thinking well, is there more to say about that?
THERAPIST: Is there more that you want to say to that?
CLIENT: It's a couple of things. Part of it is it (pause)...
[00:39:00]
So my roommate Ashby does hiring for these positions. She jokes about it, but she's like "If I have a choice between hiring a man or a woman, I will hire a woman. A choice between hiring a white person and a person of color, I'm hiring the person of color," because she's like, if things are basically equal, fuck it. And then like do they speak Spanish, do they speak Portuguese, whatever. And so I hear her talking, she talks about it, and she spends a lot of time and effort making an effort, being sure she's trying to get more diverse applicants, and will stretch out how long they're considering candidates to get more diversity. Also, she cares about age diversity in the workplace. So (pause) to see...
[00:40:00]
So these four hires were also what they thought were the four top candidates out of whatever, a larger pool. And (pause) it's so discouraging. It's discouraging for working at Cambridge, but it also makes me feel super discouraged (pause)... it actually makes me feel kind of discouraged and disappointed in the field of librarianship, a little bit. But also I think okay, so if I'm out on the job hunt, I am not a thin, cute white woman.
THERAPIST: Not blonde.
CLIENT: I could wear a wig. But they'd probably figure it out. And...
[00:41:05]
THERAPIST: Yeah, where does that leave you?
CLIENT: Yeah, today I'm like, great. It also reminds me of these are [inaudible 00:41:20]. People who talk to me on the phone all assume I'm like when I used to do phone tech support, if you tell someone to come in, they would always be really startled. Like that I wasn't white. And that's what it reminds me of. Go to the interview, think oh well, you walk in, they're like, "Oh." (pause) And (pause) I don't know. When I was the summer before college, that happened at basically every job I applied to. I was applying for mall jobs, right? So like The Gap, all these places, Aeropostale, whatever.
[00:42:15]
And it was so blatant yet no one ever said it. No one ever said anything. But every time I walked in if I walked in, there was this like, "No." And if I called and then came in, then there was the no. There weren't jobs available if I walked in. And if I called in, they're like "Well, you don't have enough retail experience." Then I had three years of retail experience.
THERAPIST: Right, and you were 17, whatever.
CLIENT: Yeah, exactly. I'm like, "How much can I have?" (laughs) You know?
[00:43:02]
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Also, I'm like, I think I'm competing against other 18-year-olds, so...
THERAPIST: Right. [inaudible 00:43:08].
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: I (pause) I had it sucks in its own right, but I also imagine if maybe you feel especially not welcome back.
CLIENT: Yeah. [inaudible 00:43:44] plays and also current plays, and I'm just sort of standing there being like, everyone here is like everyone. And (pause) I'm very confident that if I brought this up to anyone, they would be super defensive about it. Like, "No, we'll work with you." So I didn't want to.
[00:44:15]
But it also definitely reinforced like why I have been wanting to find a mentor who is a woman of color really bad, and now I'm just like and now I think I'm going to push myself harder to do that, because (pause) I'm going to be graduating in a year or a year and a half, and (pause) looking at the Library Association salary list is already depressing. And to look out again at our all-white reference team is... yeah.
[00:45:08]
THERAPIST: We should finish up. Sorry. [inaudible 00:45:15].
CLIENT: Yeah, a friend offered to drive me and pick me up. And she's like, "Oh, it's fine," and now I'm really, really glad that she suggested it.
THERAPIST: [inaudible 00:45:33].
CLIENT: Yes. I wore them to feel better about today. And it's worked so far.
THERAPIST: Good.
CLIENT: I'll see you Wednesday.
THERAPIST: Tuesday?
CLIENT: Tuesday. Dang it. Sorry, my brain is...
THERAPIST: No, no, it's okay.
CLIENT: I'll see you Tuesday.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
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