TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: So today has been not a good day by in which I mean, well, there wasn't any one thing in particular. But by lunch time, I was just feeling really very much on verge of tears. So I ended up going but also feeling really physically uncomfortable because I didn't want to go a walk which I would normally do. So I went out to the quiet room and listened to a guided meditation on anger which was kind of good. [0:01:12]

But I kept on half crying through it, yea, which I don't really do. And I was also trying to like figure out why I was feeling just so… I mean, part of it is dealing with this weather. It's not ideal. But I woke up in this sort of… now I wake up I try to listen to pop music and high energy. And I was playing Adele and Amy Winehouse and thinking this is a bad idea to just start off with mopey music. [0:02:00] But it's all I'm going to listen to.

THERAPIST: What did they say in a guided meditation on anger?

CLIENT: Oh, this one… it's a particular podcast that I started listening to. And this one was you're closing your eyes. You're blah, blah, blah.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And the idea was to breathe and feel the anger flow through you. And sort of inhale and then exhale and let the anger blow out. And sort of think about, why are you experiencing anger? And it was… yea it was kind of like think about why you're angry and then try to let it go. Try to let it wash through you. And every chance I was like, OK, let the anger wash through me. I just felt sadder. [0:03:00]

THERAPIST: Yea.

CLIENT: So I don't know. (pause) I mean, at the end of it… at the end of my… so I did that and I just felt sad for about a half hour. And I felt some… I felt kind of better after. I mean, I no longer felt like crying but I wasn't really feeling good. (pause) And I mean part of it… so I think a big part of it is that I've been pretty much in constant pain since Wednesday or Thursday.

THERAPIST: Oh, so that's like a week.

CLIENT: Yea. And I have not gotten myself to get to get an appointment with my doctor about something, anything. [0:04:08] So last night I was like, OK, I'm going to make myself the appointment with my doctor and see where this goes. And it's like I'm having a lot of pain, blah, blah, blah. And her first question which was basically, "Is it hip pain or other pain?" made me feel like, "What, are you saying the pain doesn't exist? Is that what you're saying?" And then I'm like, OK, no. But like I had this very defensive feeling like she was going to say, "Well, I don't know. It doesn't sound like you need anything." She did write a prescription for tramadol which is a non-opiate, blah, blah, blah which I don't think will help. [0:05:04]

I'm also hitting up a hot tub after this. But yea, so my legs have been hurting a lot and my hip has been hurting. I have been having headaches for off and on for most of the day. So I make the most of it. And I also… I don't know.

I was chatting with some friends during work today. I had mentioned how Chet (ph) had made this comment about, "Oh, you don't seem like the kind of person who vacuums a lot." And it just sort of… I don't know. I threw it out there as like a (inaudible at 0:06:05) someone says, "Their allergies are acting up. Don't respond like that." And all the people were like, "What the fuck. Why would you… why would someone… what… like why would someone say that?" And I was… and his response is I was sort of like… yea, like I was feeling more like that really was obnoxious. And also not what you really expect in terms of like empty social niceties in offices. That's not one of them. (pause)

And in thinking about that I was thinking about the girl in my ethics class who sort of like I thought we were in the same kind of socially progressive page. [0:07:04] And then we weren't. And then I was also just thinking about Chet (ph) in general and other things. And I was… so I'm feeling very… oh, and so yesterday, last… yesterday for therapy I ran into a former coworker of mine. She's (inaudible at 0:07:31) who finished her MLS a year and a half ago. And she finished her MLS, applied when I was at Cambridge and said fuck Cambridge and went to work somewhere else. And I saw her and I'm like, you look great. You look so happy and not stressed. [0:07:56]

And so we were talking about it and she's… her comment was basically she's asking like, "Are you just stick it out because Cambridge is what it is. Or just finish it or go elsewhere?" And we talked about it a little bit and then I don't know. What it reminded me is that the two of us had been having like periodic have our conversations about racism in the workplace for a couple years.

THERAPIST: OK, when you were colleagues.

CLIENT: Yea, when we were colleagues.

THERAPIST: All right.

CLIENT: When we were colleagues, I didn't see her super frequently but we talked about librarian stuff. And I just kept thinking what… the part what I was feeling is a kind of combination of, have I made… had I made a mistake in getting this degree or trying to get an MLS? [0:09:15] Was that a terrible mistake and should I drop out? Which another reason why it was surprising I was just like… because I was just feeling like nothing that I do is supported.

And yea, so I don't get supported in what… in my ideas or whatever I'm working on. And in addition to not being supported, I also feel like sometimes I'm being hampered. [0:10:00] In many ways, I feel like Chet (ph)… in addition to him not being helpful like not being supportive doing what I do particularly he does make my job more difficult.

THERAPIST: My critical look is not because I don't understand that. But I guess I thought that was one of the most obvious things in the world. I mean…

CLIENT: Yea, the problem is that I spend all day staring at him.

THERAPIST: OK, no I'm sorry. I didn't… you're totally hampered in all kinds of ways in your job. I understand that it ratchets up to be staring at him. But I guess I was surprised at as though I wouldn't have known that you're hampered at your job. [0:11:00] I mean, you're not listened to. You have to do stupid things. You're (inaudible at 0:11:09). You're treated badly by Will (ph) and then HR. I mean, there's much hampering.

CLIENT: Yea. For whatever reason this morning I was feeling it very personally. I don't know. It felt… I was feeling personally insulted as opposed to, I guess, professionally insulted, if that makes sense.

THERAPIST: OK, yea.

CLIENT: I don't know. I'm not really sure what I was. I was just feeling like I… just I don't know. [0:12:02] Just all of this feeling very about me as a person and that there is nothing that I can do to change that at all. So I almost feel like getting an MLS and going to other jobs, it would… I just felt like that's not going to do anything. It just felt like…

THERAPIST: The kind of thing that are getting in the way are not going to be sort of ameliorated by getting an MLS.

CLIENT: Yes, or leaving the job. And part of why… part of what was also… on that was just thinking about what this girl was talking about with sort of, "Oh, we all compromise to be part of a group." And I'm like yes, that's so true. [0:13:04] And I was trying to get at the idea of people who can't change their visual differences. And I just was thinking about it more. And just feeling like I don't know just like more ground down by it.

And also so I have to write a paper for class on an ethical issue that's near and dear to my heart. So I started brainstorming and there's a blog that I read that I like called Librarian Wardrobe. And periodically I get really frustrated because it's 99 percent about librarians. [0:14:00] And for a while there was a black woman, actually the medical school library who was posting occasionally. I was always like, hey, it's a medical school library. I don't know. And that blog hosted a discussion the American Library Association about like clothing and individuality. And why are people focusing on librarians' clothes. And people often… especially people talk about getting rid of the image of librarians in (inaudible at 0:14:41) glasses and cardigans shushing people and then what's wrong with that. Let's really engender the stereotype.

And in trying to have that… I was like thinking about that conservation. And I when I was like asked part of it a little bit time delayed. [0:15:02] And one of the things people were very like, "Well, as long as you're still looking professional, that's OK." And I was like, "Well, but what does that mean? What if, say, there's a black man wearing cornrows and people… some people perceive that as being like thuggish?" And the moderator was like, "Well, I mean, if it looks thuggish…" I was like, "Hey, hey, hey."

And I don't… it was interesting because there was traction on gender of there is this a very prolific librarian blogger who's also butch and had talked about how she wears a man's suit to work every day. [0:15:59] And she had something like, "If you're going to go to a job interview, you should wear a suit or suit equivalent." And then she was thinking, would I ever wear a dress suit? And in the answer, she was like, no that would be horrible. And what are younger librarians going to wear to work? And is it going to be a problem? And I was like, yea, that's the greatest thing because it is.

So we were working on gender expression and then we're hitting on negative stereotypes of women and professional for guys. If you were a button up shirt and slacks and a tie, you're just good. And for a woman it gets really complicated and blah, blah, blah. And so most of the conversation was really interesting to me but then there was this part where I just couldn't get any discussion going. Nothing happened.

THERAPIST: Yea.

CLIENT: And so one of the… when I was thinking of paper topics, I was thinking about like, oh, I could write about this idea of professionalism and blah, blah, blah. [0:17:10] And then I was like… and then I thought well, if I research that I'm probably going to get really depressed and want to throw away all my clothes. So I won't do that. And then I was thinking about writing about… there's been some discussion about startups in corporate culture. And how fitting into the corporate culture can be a way just to say I want hire people who are just like me. So, therefore, young white guys who just found startup keep on hiring in white guys. Or young Asian guys hire more young Asian guys itself perpetuating. And what does that even mean like fits in with the culture. I'm where we like…

THERAPIST: Oh, you mean… that's where I think I lost you. So you mean it's sort of an espoused criteria (sic) for hiring… criterion for hiring is we want people who fit it with our culture which is kind of winds up being this intended consciously intended to be winds up being code for who are demographically similar. [0:18:18] Originally or ethnically and (inaudible at 0:18:22).

CLIENT: Politically and just like… yea and, oh I mean gets you into the boys club of startups. And if you are recruiting for your company basically it will be your social contacts that are probably all similar.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And then I've talked with some startup friends. And one was like, "Well, it's like a pressure cooker in here. We want to make sure that everyone gets along." I'm like, "OK, but if it's a pressure cooker, I don't even want to be friends with my coworkers." I mean, I want to be friendly with them but I might not want to see them outside of work. [0:19:00] And so I was like, "Well, I don't know if want to go down that road because that's also depressing." And so the topic that I've been thinking of were ones in which I don't know, at least half of the topic is and then marginalized people do poorly. The end. So that was also making me feel grumpy. And I picked something that was less likely to make me feel personally terrible but pseudonymity online.

THERAPIST: Pseudonymity, like using pseudonyms?

CLIENT: Mm-mmm. [0:20:01] There was this… so there was a huge thing with Google+ requiring people to use their government names in Google+. And so if you had a name that they thought was not your real name, they would require you to show proof or suspend your account. A friend of mine everyone who knows by the name of Moe (ph) and is a very well-known… at the time was very well-known (inaudible at 0:20:37) and duh, duh, duh, duh. Her company got bumped by Google. She worked there for a while and then she was like, "I'm quitting. Fuck you. P.S. Google+ is refusing to acknowledge the name that everyone at work uses for me." There… she has buttons look like pin backs that say, "I know Moe." [0:21:03] Because for a while she really was kind of two degrees separation away from massive amounts of nerdom. And open source stuff and…

THERAPIST: Yea.

CLIENT: So… anyway so… and there's this kind of sort of like, why force people to use their real name? What are the benefits? And why are there who people get harassed?

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: And I was thinking like, yea, and that can tie into information privacy and librarians. So that makes me… I mean, it makes me not that surprised. But I don't know. I just felt this workday was also a lot of… I don't know. [0:22:01] I felt like all the e-mail… the e-mail I was getting was all, "Why haven't you done this yet?" (pause) I just basically felt today very much that I'm not meeting people's expectations in terms of productivity or getting like… responding to computer related trouble tickets or writing new documentation. You're just like…

THERAPIST: I think sort of what you're talking about is it's like that around being sort of hurt but also very disappointed by… really let down by people you have some reason to think will be there for you in some way. [0:23:14]

CLIENT: Yea. And also I don't feel like there's anyone… I mean, I've been feeling that way for a long time. But I joked with a friend who works in HR. I want Chet (ph) to take remedial courses in being a manager.

THERAPIST: Right.

CLIENT: I don't know if I actually really do. And I'm just sort of like at my desk thinking like I could go to HR because that's what they are there for except I don't want to because I don't like my HR person. And I could try dodging around to another person. [0:24:01] But that's probably not going to go anywhere. Then I was thinking well, like… Alissa (ph) was like, well, what if I complain about something. Chet has two reports so it's kind of like, oh, it was one or the… like…

THERAPIST: I see. Yea, he's going to know.

CLIENT: Yea. And since he's already mad that I won't… that he feels like I'm… he feels somehow offended that I'm not telling him about my medical problems that would sort of add to his, "I'm hurt that you won't talk to me," whatever, which also kind of goes back to, I don't need to be your friend. I just need to be friendly. And Chet seems to very much like… he seems to want to be their friends of the student workers. [0:24:59] And want to be like a cool, hip boss who is buddies with people. And I'm just not interested. (pause) So that doesn't… I don't know. I'm aware that I'm shooting myself down every time. I'm like, well, I could do this but it would be horrible. But…

THERAPIST: You're trying to protect yourself, I think.

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: It seems like the last thing you need is more disappointment or more… sort of more of being ignored.

CLIENT: Yea. And…

THERAPIST: Or not listening to you. (pause) [0:26:00]

CLIENT: Yes. And being in like sort of crying at the office. Just sort of makes me feel more surrounded by… I don't know. (pause) I just… I guess I feel like no one in this office cares about me as a person. And that's really upsetting and really off putting. (pause) Yea, I don't know. It's just… I guess I just feel very defeated today. [0:27:04]

THERAPIST: Yea.

CLIENT: And I'm not… I don't know. I don't really know what would help. I was thinking, do I want to talk to a coworker do I want a mentor? Do I… what do I want?

THERAPIST: What's your wish list now?

CLIENT: What?

THERAPIST: What's your wish list now (inaudible at 0:27:35).

CLIENT: Yea. And it's just like I was having a hard time even sort of getting that going because I was like, oh, but it… I was just like I would think about it and then I'd be like, no, let's talk about it. It'll still be crappy.

THERAPIST: Yea. [0:28:05] (pause) Yea, there's something going on with your feeling… (bells ringing) Oh, shit. Sorry. (pause) [0:29:01] I guess I'm… you work very, very hard. And you feel like nothing you could do could possibly make it any better. And that whatever you try would probably make it worse and make you feel worse. And you're so very much on your own. And most of it, I mean, usually the thing that hurts is when you wanted somebody to be there for you and they weren't and then nobody is there for you for that either.

CLIENT: Yea. (pause)

THERAPIST: And entirely painful in one way. [0:30:04] I think also and the anger thing is tricky I think I just probably I'm wrong about what made you cry during the guided meditation was nothing against meditation or guided meditation or individual (ph) meditation but I think in terms of like where you're at with your anger, I suspect you heard what they were saying as let it go which is what they were saying…

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: …which is, I don't suppose, maybe not the right message for you. [0:30:58]

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: I mean, I can understand that somebody sort of who's like in a different place in the anger curve or something where they're lying to themselves. Get really overwrought about something and holding on to it and refusing to just take a deep breath and count to ten and let it go. But that's not where you are.

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: You're with the like everybody is telling me I shouldn't be angry or don't deserve to be angry. And it's hard to connect with being angry. And I kind of feel like I don't have a right to it sometimes or it's only going to screw things up for me. And then being told to relax and let it go. I don't know that you need the guided meditationer (sic) to say, "And now get pissed off."

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: I mean, I'm… yea, I'm just being goofy. But you know what I mean, I think.

CLIENT: Yea.

THERAPIST: And yea, so I imagine it felt like there was something sad being told you couldn't or supposed to be angry or you should let it go.

CLIENT: Yea. (pause) [0:32:00]

THERAPIST: We should stop.

CLIENT: OK. And I'll see you on Tuesday.

THERAPIST: Yea.

CLIENT: OK.

THERAPIST: Would you want another appointment this week if I could arrange one? I may have something opening up on Thursday.

CLIENT: I think I'm too physically tired.

THERAPIST: OK.

CLIENT: I did think about that.

THERAPIST: OK.

CLIENT: But yea.

THERAPIST: The other thing is chronic pain sucks.

CLIENT: Yes. One of my friends had been talking to me about how I felt uncomfortable identifying with a having a disability. And I was like, well, moving and how much pain I've been in has made it very clear to me that I have one. And it sucks.

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