TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: ...[iced tea.] (ph)

THERAPIST: Subway? Some, a lot of the time?

CLIENT: Do you know that Subway right there? (inaudible)

THERAPIST: Sometimes that place, the Cafe.

CLIENT: The Cafe?

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's right in the center of the Square.

CLIENT: Right. Right across from the subway entrance?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Right. (pause) And we're on for 5:10 or 5:15 or something on Tuesday?

CLIENT: Oh yeah. Okay.

THERAPIST: And then I'm out the following week.

CLIENT: Tuesday.

THERAPIST: And we won't meet the next two Fridays.

CLIENT: Right. Alright. (sounds like drumming hands on a surface) (pause)

THERAPIST: How are those hands?

CLIENT: Busy, I guess. (pause) Yeah, they feel like they're getting rough. [00:01:14]

THERAPIST: (laughs) Calloused?

CLIENT: Yeah. And also I have tendonitis somewhere, I think my elbows. Because I was doing pushups every morning and also doing a lot of biking which, you know on a bike you can be kind of straining your upper body. It's not too bad but I've been biking like twenty miles a day or fifteen, twenty miles a day. So I think those combined gave me my tendonitis.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: More notably though, this week, either or Tuesday or Wednesday, my neck, I woke up really stiff. I don't know if it's a consequence of having the air conditioner on or what, but my neck is just really stiff and I couldn't turn that well without hurting. I mean I could move it but it would hurt. It's just very stiff. [00:02:16]

And it's strange because I'm [quickly getting better when I do] but I'm still fixing people's bikes. And the owner (inaudible at 00:02:33) in a lot of ways because it's someone who knows more. They tell me, "Do this, do that and the other thing." So it's strange that my neck's kind of like stiff and forcing me to look downward as I've sort of migrated towards the role of just doing as I'm told.

THERAPIST: Like the subservient downward -

CLIENT: Right. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Yeah. The gesture, the physical gesture.

CLIENT: Yeah. I couldn't quite kick it. It feels a little better now. I tried ibuprofen the other day, it didn't do too much. I tried a hot bath and it's getting a little better. [It's just these two knots up here in, whatever you call it, the spine, disks.] (ph) Yeah, there's just this stiffness right here. It's also, it's reminiscent almost of this working, this regular pain (ph) position of like in second grade. Did I tell you this? In second grade I built forts for people. [00:03:39]

THERAPIST: No.

CLIENT: Well in second grade there was sand in a playground. It was like an actual playground at our school and there was sand there at sort of one sort of edge of the playground bordering some very big fields. There were a few friends, I guess, but these boys that we, every recess we would, we'd have all these toys and we'd have like a fort for them to play in. So I'd make a fort.

And I'd do it very quickly and efficiently and eventually there was one kid who just would be grabbing all the coolest toys. So he sort of designated me as like "fort maker." But he was pretty well off. Like he, I don't know what his father did. He was sort of bossy but it didn't register at the time.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: I just, you know, I had my role. I just made the forts because I made the best forts. Like another kid would try it I don't know if this is true, but I think it happened once. And another kid would try it and he would be like, "No, no, no, Brandon makes better forts." And so I'd make the fort. [00:04:54]

I think my mother didn't like it though. I don't think [I registered that the executive] of him as some sort of analog for a classist, superior, if my mother sort interjected at some point, but she didn't like him or didn't like how he treated other kids or whatever.

THERAPIST: But it didn't seem to bother you until she said something? And it kind of influenced how that sort of -

CLIENT: Maybe it did. I'm not sure. It's hard for me disentangle.

THERAPIST: Yeah, okay. Yeah. But you liked it. There was some element, though, of liking building the forts.

CLIENT: Oh, I loved building forts.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: My fingernails would get dirty or whatever.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: You know, I liked being recognized for it.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's like the deliveries. The way you described the deliveries. That there's something kind of like good about getting, developing a competency at it and being seen as such too. As the guy who could be really relied upon. [00:06:02]

CLIENT: Yeah. (pause)

THERAPIST: But, you know, I was thinking too though that just as you were kind of describing the bike shop, in some way you feel like that you like I get the sense that, the impression of you, that you like the work in some way. You like learning and you like developing, but you added the element of the power differential and it somehow gets entangled there.

CLIENT: Hm.

THERAPIST: Is he seeing you as subservient? How is that influence, if I'm taking the direction from him?

CLIENT: I have the benefit of my work now where it doesn't matter what you say. Either you can do things or you can't do them. And so I came in there not knowing how to do practically anything but I faked my way into it and now I know how to do things. So it doesn't matter. Like we had like a four a.m., Saturday, text conversation where he (laughs) accused me of knowing He said, "You don't know one half of one percent of what fits (ph) on brakes." But he ended up apologizing in person. [00:07:16]

THERAPIST: But he knew. I mean he knew that you were learning on the job. You didn't fake it in.

CLIENT: Yeah, I guess. I guess.

THERAPIST: What makes you feel that you kind of like conned your way into it?

CLIENT: I had trued one wheel before I The test for the job was truing a wheel and I had trued one wheel beforehand, so I trued a second wheel in front of him. So that's why.

THERAPIST: But he knew, didn't he?

CLIENT: I don't know.

THERAPIST: I mean I thought you were just I mean the way you described is as if he caught on right away. I thought that was the whole basis of why he was going to pay you less under training.

CLIENT: No, that was after the first week.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. Got it.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: I see. I'm sorry. Okay.

CLIENT: Yeah, so he came to understand it.. It's not that big of a fake. And even if it is a fake it's not something to be very proud of. It's not to be ashamed of either, but it's just like, you know, you're a bike mechanic.

THERAPIST: (laughs) But then you also said, "Okay." You know, you worked it so you would learn from him.

CLIENT: Yeah. I like what I'm doing and power (ph). [00:08:25]

THERAPIST: (whispering) [You said "power," yeah.] (ph)

CLIENT: It's more like he's sort of (pause) Yeah, he can be obnoxious and I need to be able to set up sort of, I guess, where I'll stand up and just say, "You know, you really shouldn't do that." Like he tried to criticize my own business of fixing bikes. Like, "Yo, what are you doing?" We'd joke about it because I use these products. Like I use what's available. I might just use WD40 to clean the chains and like Armorall to wipe down bodies.

THERAPIST: Okay.

CLIENT: So apparently if you're some connoisseur Armorall can wash off with rain and get into your tires and soften the sidewalls over time. And WD40 is supposedly bad for bike parts, though I've never had a problem with a chain. I don't know. You're supposed to use some higher class lube. And I do use lube afterwards but you can't beat WD40 for just cleaning something out. [00:09:32]

THERAPIST: I'm sorry. Something is flashing. No it's alright. Sorry about that. So he was critiquing you.

CLIENT: Right. And so we were joking about that and that's fine. You know, it's like, "Oh, what do you do to these poor people who give you their bikes?" And that's fine. But then I get these text messages, you know, and they sort of (pause) I don't know [if it was on the] (ph) text. But getting serious and saying like, "Hey, you really should be doing things this way." Or, "When you look at someone's bike you should do this, this, this."

And that's not his business. He can tell me what to do in the shop and how he wants things done, and I can do them to his satisfaction or he can fire me. But he shouldn't be telling me how to fix other people's bikes in a serious way. (inaudible at 00:10:35)

THERAPIST: You felt like it was an affront, the way you describe it.

CLIENT: It's not his business. I mean I don't have the right to take offense because I don't know that much, but at the same time that's my business, literally. It's not his business.

THERAPIST: Oh, okay. Like it was like he was -

CLIENT: He was telling me what to do at home to other people's bikes who had come to me.

THERAPIST: Why are you meddling in my affairs?

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: Yeah, right. The line stops here.

CLIENT: Like I don't tell you what kind of car to drive -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: or, I don't know, what to drink. (laughs) It's just not what I do. That's your business. (pause)

THERAPIST: Yeah, I see what you're saying.

CLIENT: (inaudible at 00:11:40) Yeah, he's very moody like alternately suspicious and happy and medicated or -

THERAPIST: Medicated?

CLIENT: Yeah. He also, I don't think he, while I think he has technical knowledge, he doesn't always know how to weigh things. This is, people (inaudible at 00:12:16) their bosses but he doesn't know how to weigh the priority or importance of things. Like we'll be fixing a part, and there could be any number of things wrong with it.

And even I know there could be like five different things wrong with it. And instead of trying to figure out what it is and fixing it, he'll just name one of the five things, fix that, and then, you know, it still doesn't work. And he will name something else with absolute certainty and we fix that, and then it turns out it wasn't that. Then he names something else and fix that. And all this time someone is waiting for their bike. (pause)

THERAPIST: What about that?

CLIENT: It's not the way I would do things but I consent to it.

THERAPIST: Oh, I see. Yeah.

CLIENT: I don't say anything. And That's not what I meant to say. But the other things is that we have this, he messaged me and he said, you know, "You don't know " What happened was he said, "You know, if you ever need anything just let me know." Because he gets part for literally one fifth of the cost that I get parts for. [00:13:38]

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: He has a huge, and he's like, "If you ever need anything," and he has all these parts lying around, "If you need anything I have all this stuff so just let me know." So I said, "Hey, do you have this type of tube," because I need to bring a bike in on Sunday to the meeting. Someone there. But all the bike shops only open at twelve. So I said something to that effect. And then I found out that there is a bike shop that is open.

So what he suggested I need this tube that has the right size valve. He suggested, eventually, like at three a.m. on Sunday morning or Sunday morning, he suggested he had the other kind of rim and a drill bit. So he suggested drilling into that and changing the size of the hole for the tube. Which I thought was funny because it's more complicated than it should be. Like getting the right size tube rather than fucking with a rim and then you have metal shavings and you might pop the tube when you change the, whatever. [00:14:46]

But I thought that was funny and I said, "Well, actually it turns out that there's a bike store that's open." This is like at three a.m. again on Sunday morning and there's a bike store that's open at nine a.m. And I looked on Google maps and of twenty bike stores there's one that opens at nine a.m. and so I decided to go there.

And so after that, the way I saw it is, I mean, you ask someone for help, they agree to help you, you think their help is final (ph), and then you don't get their help. That's kind of [their fault] (ph). Like no matter what you say it's kind of like it's a dick thing to do. Well, it's not a dick thing to do it's just it's not a favorable position. But then again, I mean, I'm apologizing for it.

But he freaked out and made these angry text messages. (laughs) Like, "You know one half of one percent of what you need to know for bikes."

THERAPIST: Oh, is that right? (laughs) He got offended that you didn't take his help. [00:15:46]

CLIENT: Yeah. But he also, plus he was like, "You know, I have " He does have like a hundred bikes. He's like, "I have some bikes that need work, so if you want to work on those to get up your practice, feel free." But it was kind of like -

Oh yeah. So it's like, "[I never tried it with a drill.] (ph)" He's like, "Why would you have? You do know about half, one tenth or five percent of what you do is (inaudible 00:16:11). If you try to rush this you won't learn properly. I'd really like to see you focus on learning things properly "

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: " than bastardizing poor people's defenseless, piece of shit bikes."

THERAPIST: (laughter)

CLIENT: If you want to work on regular bikes too I have [plenty here that I've put together] (ph) too that could help you gain some experience." And I don't want to be on the defensive so I just said, "Thanks for thinking of me."

THERAPIST: He wants to mentor you.

CLIENT: Yeah. I said, "Thanks for thinking of me." And so I guess that's ambiguous because I did feel I felt like, okay, you know, this guy I need him. I need him so it makes me kind of upset. And so it's four a.m. now.

THERAPIST: All through the night, huh? Or the morning now.

CLIENT: And he said something like, "I'm not trying to insult you, but you know there's a lot more to know and learn than you may realize. It took me years to learn what I know now and I'm still learning. That's why I laughed at you the other day when you said, 'Do you (inaudible at 00:17:15),' and then did a Civil War bicycle repair reenactment." (laughs)

THERAPIST: (laughs) What does that mean?

CLIENT: Civil War bicycle repair reenactment. Well I think of like medics in the civil war amputating people's legs.

THERAPIST: Oh. (laughs) The reference.

CLIENT: Yeah. I was also taking like a hammer a chain and he's like, "That's not good." THERAPIST: I think he wants to mentor you.

CLIENT: Sure. (pause) Right. That's the other thing. So if he gets upset at me he'll interpret that in technical ways, which aren't necessarily true. So related to not knowing which of the one of five things wrong it could be, or not being willing to figure that out before fixing things. You know, after this he sort of figured out that the spoke tension on bikes was too tight and that I'd been making them too tight all along and it's completely unsuitable. But the spoke tension was fine on the wheels, most of them anyway. [00:18:40]

And so he sort of like invented this "something wrong with the bikes" that's sort of an offshoot of, I interpret it's an emotional reaction.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: So it's someone who has done a lot by themselves and sort of, you know, emotions and logic and self-interest, they all sort of bleed together. It's not really predictable.

THERAPIST: Hm.

CLIENT: Chambers. (ph) You know, realms of discourse. (inaudible at 00:19:36). But as you can imagine, I'm not the best mentee or prot�g�, you know. I mean I keep my head down but He also tries to, like when someone comes along and tries to like, he'll say like, "Oh fix this, Brandon. Or do this or do that," as if he's trying to show that he's in charge only to the other person. That's how I interpret it.

Really though, something I say is, if someone ever tries to insult me it disrespects themselves. So I'm like fixing the bikes, fixing a number of derailleur issues and getting the people going. [We've got to get people going.] (ph) They pay their rent with that cash at hand. And I fixed the pedal (ph) caps. That was the problem. So for thirty minutes before I go off, he does the major stuff. [00:20:42]

But, you know, I'm working and I, you know, I mean we sort of have a running joke about my hygiene, because I don't really care if I have a greasy face. I mean I recognize it looks pretty bad but at the same time I just, I'm not going to be washing my face all day.

But when I'm working on people's bikes and then he says something, he said the other day something like, "Oh it's going to rain. Good, Brandon." Like I'll finally take a shower, you know, you don't have to be disgusting or whatever. I mean it doesn't look good on hand, I don't think, because I'm the one working on the bikes and fixing the problems. Well between us it's a joke. But when there are other people present it sounds mean spirited, I guess.

THERAPIST: Well, yeah. It's kind of humiliating in a way.

CLIENT: Yeah. Right. And it does appear that there's an objective to kind of show that the he's the guy on top. [00:21:52]

THERAPIST: Yeah. He wants to kind of show, it demonstrates power.

CLIENT: Yeah. He's also someone who craves attention, you know, in an unhealthy way. I don't know if I'd go as far as to say "unhealthy," but it's kind hard to deal with because he craves a lot of attention. And not just in terms of being the boss or anything, but his jokes. It's like The Office. (laughs)

THERAPIST: What I was thinking about is that in some way you seem, despite all that stuff, it doesn't stop you necessarily from wanting to take something from him.

CLIENT: Yeah. (ph)

THERAPIST: You know?

CLIENT: Yeah, right.

THERAPIST: But it complicates it.

CLIENT: Yeah. I'm not good in those situations. Like if he can't set clear boundaries within himself, for me the relationship, it's very difficult for me if there's something I don't like. Maybe I'm not adept at fixing problems in relationships. I can fix things mechanically, but in relationships I'll just cut the chain. I'll just, you know, if something doesn't work out and if fixing it requires me to sort of put myself in a vulnerable position, it's not going to happen. I'm just going to cut the cord. [00:23:14]

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah.

CLIENT: You know?

THERAPIST: What about the vulnerable position?

CLIENT: It was good. It's not that important. You know, [except for the interpreters.] (ph) (laughs)

THERAPIST: (laughs) I think that's it. A vulnerable position. What makes it vul -

CLIENT: Well, let's take for example, did I tell you about Danielle? I told you about Danielle. We were supposed to meet on Monday. But also there was this girl who -

THERAPIST: Oh, yeah, see you. What did she say? Yeah, "let's do it."

CLIENT: "Let's do it, Monday," or something?

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah, when she texted you. The text messages.

CLIENT: That's one thing. But there was another girl the Friday before, which was my birthday, I had sort of met her. My birthday was Friday. I met her Thursday night at a function and I was just like, "So what are you doing tomorrow?" And she was like, "Nothing." I was like, "Well, it's my birthday. Can I kind call you if I end up doing something? Would you like to do that?" And she said, "Yeah."

Basically (pause) Yeah, I mean I had her. You know? Like she was, whatever I wanted to do she would, she wanted to spend time with me.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I sensed that. But, it's like -

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 00:24:57) (laughs)

CLIENT: [A positive, huh?] (ph)

THERAPIST: (laughs) (inaudible)

CLIENT: I just, well yeah, she had been texting me and I didn't even know who she was because I didn't have her in my phone. I'm the shit basically and she's the shit.

THERAPIST: The what? The ship?

CLIENT: The shit.

THERAPIST: Oh. (laughs)

CLIENT: (laughs) That's how I felt about it.

THERAPIST: You like her.

CLIENT: No, I don't. But she wants my attention, I think. You know? So, I said, "You know, it's my birthday and [if I end up doing something would you come along?] (ph) She said, "Yeah, definitely. Give me a call." So then my brother came for my birthday and, sort of to show him that I'm not a complete loser and also just to finalize plans for the evening. So I e-mailed everyone in the morning. I just said, "Hey Felicity (ph) " (pause) Do we have to do this? It's stupid. (pause) [00:26:15]

THERAPIST: Why? Why do you feel Something about reading the text?

CLIENT: Right. Yeah. So I was like, "Alright." So I decided on my birthday that I didn't want to go out because it would feel like facile or bubbly, and it wasn't really where I was at. I didn't want to go to some restaurant or something. I just wanted to invite people to my house where I have an [eaten on] couch now and a nice TV and like these very conventional comforts that are somehow pleasing to me, finally.

And so I just wanted to invite people over for board games or whatever. So I called her and I said, "Yeah, so there's a party at my house. You want to come over?" And she said, "Yeah, sure. What time?" I said, "How about eight thirty?" And she said, "Good." And I said, "Great. See you then." [00:27:15]

And my interpretation is that something in my voice is just taking her for granted, maybe a little too much. And also the two younger guys were listening in. I don't know. Maybe I came off too macho. That's the only way I can come up with explanations. But her text response is, "Oh crap. Turns out I don't go to Dunmore because it's an hour away. Might not be up for traveling as long as I could hang out. Rain check in central a location? a/k/a I should return to (inaudible at 00:27:48)." First of all that's not even -

THERAPIST: a/k/a what?

CLIENT: grammatically correct. And I'm reading text messages off my phone.

THERAPIST: What's wrong with reading text messages off your phone?

CLIENT: It's gross.

THERAPIST: Gross why?

CLIENT: I meant this guy in a hostel in like 2008 and he was talking to me about this Chinese lady who like Because it's external. It's taking something external and bringing into the conversation. It's like name dropping to the third power. You know? It's just *blech*. You're taking something that has no relevance to whoever is in the room speaking. And you're inserting it in there. It's incredibly petty and it's like the opposite of (inaudible at 00:28:35).

(inaudible) changes the whole course of a play. But a text message changes nothing, but it's still a complete intrusion, a non-sequitur and it's grammatically incorrect. And the point is she backed out. Either she senses that I just Basically in my mind she's just like a safety sex out there. Like at the end of my party or whatever. If I'm so disclosed I'll fuck her and that's it. That's my thinking.

And maybe that came through in my voice when I called her, like how I talked to her. (laughs) But in any case, she backed out of it. And not only did she back out of it but she said, "Oh, I forgot, I don't go to Dunmore." And to me that's enough to get offended.

THERAPIST: Sure.

CLIENT: And I don't plan to interact with her again. You know? I just don't. I sat next to her at a meeting last night where I was actually (ph) recognized as a young trustee. But I mean, I sat next to her. [00:29:41]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And she tried to whisper something to me and I didn't pay shit attention to her. You know? I didn't give her the cold shoulder either because that wouldn't be respecting my own experience. I mean my objective is not to make her feel slighted, it's just I have no interest in wasting time on someone who And I recognize what she went through too. Some sort of, "I want to spend time with this person. Oh but he just wants me for sex."

THERAPIST: Yeah. I know. It gets confusing, but I think you What I heard is that you felt offended. You know, it's like, "What's this." And you also wanted to know why the hell she suddenly reversed course, even if it had nothing to do with you. I was thinking in some way this all started with, you know, I was talking about, "Well what does it mean, you know, that vulnerable feeling."

I was thinking you didn't want to kind of like go to that place of going like, "What's going on here?" because that would have even made you feel more kind of at her mercy or something like that. [00:30:42]

CLIENT: I did do that. I said, you know, my way of doing that was like, "Please let me know if there's anything I can clear up."

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Yeah. That's what I said. And she responded, she's like, "Well I don't know how to respond to that. Should I call?" It's just like, I don't know. I just didn't What should I have said? "Yes, you should call?"

THERAPIST: I think you wanted to know why she reversed course.

CLIENT: Yeah, I suppose it would have been sensible to engage her and talk to her and figure out what's going on.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: But she's putting it on me again.

THERAPIST: She's putting it on you.

CLIENT: She was like, "Oh." And I was like, "You bitch." I mean, you committed to this like twice or three times and then you tell me at the last minute, like an hour before hand, that you're not coming because you don't go to my shitty ass town. You know?

THERAPIST: Yeah. Yeah, and I think in a way what's terrible for you in that situation, and I mean that by terrible, is that you still, you feel hurt by that. But you feel like rejected and you don't want to because she just did something to kind of like affront you. And yet you still kind of feel, I was thinking, almost to show that you're pissed off or that you're upset or offended and to tell her would be to admit too much, to give too much to her. [00:32:02]

CLIENT: Yeah. Well, I mean, it's like, I don't know. I'm going to have this experience multiple times, but it's like we have this conversation and things make sense. And then there's another conversation and, okay, she interested in coming and things make sense, and then there's this other conversation that comes out of nowhere. And it's like none of the previous conversations exist any longer and this person's like -

You know, I'm basically what I'm saying is in these previous conversations. And this person's asking for shit from me like saying, "I want her to be there."

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I don't know what she's asking. But it's like your gears don't line up. But it doesn't I mean the language she's speaking in, and Danielle as well, the language she's speaking in these later conversations is just like it's not lining up. It's not lining up. And I don't know. I'm not going to meet that. I don't the strength, I guess, to meet that new gear that completely forgot about everything previous. [00:33:15]

THERAPIST: No, right. And the other thing is that, I was thinking about that, it also kind of If you were to kind of get upset or to say something back, it's again more exposing that kind of need, a desire. Some way that you're not the tough guy, you can just play the game, but feel something for them. And I was thinking in some way to kind of cut her off in some way, well it's protective in that way.

CLIENT: It is.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And I guess from my point of view, what do I stand to gain? I hear what you're saying and I have too sort of the desire not to be vulnerable. But what do I gain by meeting her there?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I'm just some guy who is I don't understand what I gain.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: And if she is asking for more, fuck her. Like we already had the conversations. You're the one that's backing out at the last minute. (laughs) [00:34:22]

THERAPIST: Uh huh. Yes.

CLIENT: And you're asking me to explain what the problem is here. You know, I'm being completely courteous in saying to her, "Let me know if I can clear anything up." But what more does she want? I'm not even talking sense. I don't know what I'm saying, but I -

THERAPIST: No. I think you It seems to me like you're implying was she having thoughts about the way your tone was with her, or something like that.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And almost, you know, I was thinking like asking her to kind of say something about how she's feeling. Like, "You put some skin in the game. You tell me a little bit about, 'that hurt me," or something like that." Or, "I feel like maybe you just want me for sex." But she didn't do that. She wanted, almost like she was just sort of saying "I'm going to play it like you don't really " You know, I'm not going to let myself be vulnerable and go all the way out to Dunmore just, you know "

CLIENT: Yeah. to me it also seemed like she wanted to It's difficult to disentangle because the grammar was so bad, but I guess she also wanted to imply that she had something else to do that night and she would only be able to stay an hour. Which probably wasn't true. Or if it was true, from my point of view, what she was trying to do was say like, "Okay, well I have other stuff to do tonight too," just so I would get the impression that she's, you know, more important than me. [00:35:46]

THERAPIST: "I don't need this so bad."

CLIENT: Right.

THERAPIST: Yeah. You'll get an hour and that's it.

CLIENT: But in her case, knowing her, I think it was a design to impress me that backfired.

THERAPIST: You know, just to say something too, in thinking about how strongly you felt about reading the text messages to me.

CLIENT: Mm hm.

THERAPIST: What about that? What was getting -

CLIENT: It's like a real loser move, just to -

THERAPIST: Really? Why?

CLIENT: It's not true. Like when Edgar shows me his text messages it's fine. I guess I've gotten used to it. Four years ago I was just shocked. This guy in Portland he's like talking to me about this Chinese woman that he knew, and he's a delegate for the election, so he's going to decide whether it's Hilary Clinton or Barack Obama.

And Hilary Clinton is definitely going to win. And he knows these Chinese woman that is very influential in China and she works for CNN in China, and here's her voice-mail. Here, listen to this voice-mail that she left me. And it's just like so desperate. I don't know. It's like, "What does this have to do with me?" [00:37:02]

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I don't know. It's trying to pull someone into your I don't know what it is. It's not pretty though. It's unseemly.

THERAPIST: Unseemly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

CLIENT: So that's part of my reaction. The other part, of course, is just frustration with this bitch.

THERAPIST: Yeah, yeah, right.

CLIENT: It's just like she's weak and she doesn't want to get hurt and then she ends up hurting me because of that.

THERAPIST: Yes.

CLIENT: And meanwhile she's doing that to other people.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that's right. And I was just thinking why, yeah, this feels like wanting me to hear about the text message feels like another kind of raw area, a vulnerable area for you. And, again, it's like, what's the outcome of that? Am I going to see it as a loser move? You know, you experience it as a loser move. [00:38:02]

CLIENT: Yeah. In my own arrogant interpretation though it's like fear of judgment doesn't even go into it. It's like -

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: It's quite possible it is, you know, I'm afraid of how you interpret it. But it my mind it's just me.

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: I don't like to be that guy.

THERAPIST: Yes, yeah. And what it feels like to be that guy to you. What I mean by that is, you know like, "God damn. You know? If I have to What am I going to do? Beg this girl to come out to Dunmore?" You know, that kind of thing. (pause)

CLIENT: Yeah. And needing it too. You know, especially by the end of the week I'm needing it.

THERAPIST: It's your birthday.

CLIENT: But needing it is, you know, (laughs) need isn't a good way to get things for me. [00:39:05]

THERAPIST: Ah. Huh.

CLIENT: As far as I can tell.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: Also I got this birthday card. Birthday card from my mother [plus a gift] (ph). It came in the mail just like two days ago. It's a book and I haven't opened it, but it's in Saran (ph) and it says on the cover in big white letters on black, "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself." And there's also a card.

And at first I just told myself I shouldn't open it because, honestly, (laughs) you know I was probably drinking at the time. And I said something like, you know, "Nothing good could come of it." And I was like, "There's nothing good that could come out of reading this card."

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: You know, there's just nothing good. So if it's not good -

THERAPIST: Why open it? [00:40:05]

CLIENT: You know, I was talking to the owner of the bike shop about brakes. And we were draining a hydraulic brake. And the perfect brake has no air in it. And we got to a point where it felt really good, but he wanted to keep going and then the brake is not as good. You know, bar three pumps the brake where it should be bar two and it will like lock real tight. But we kept going.

And so I was saying, you know, "The perfect brake has no air in it. You can only possibly make it worse by trying to fix or improve it. You can only let air in." You know? And that's how I felt about the letter too. It's like, there's no possible way that this message could make me, like improve my life. (laughs)

THERAPIST: (laughs)

CLIENT: It's just there's no way.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And even with the book, it's like it's annoying like that with my mother. Like the book, I believe, what it says, you know, "Life isn't about finding yourself it's about creating yourself." I felt like I have been creating myself. You know, I felt I actually recognized last night that there's been a (inaudible at 00:41:22) as a trustee in the meet (ph).

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And that's somewhat exceptional. You know? As far as (inaudible) revitalization and stuff. And I may be involved in it and whatever, but -

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: Concerns about my (inaudible at 00:41:46), you know, I feel like I have been creating myself. You know, I've been working at that and here comes this book. And it's advising me to do what I've been doing. And it's close to being snarked (ph) in some way. You know, I've cut off contact with her so, I don't know. But in the same way, I don't think my gears can line up with my mother. Like she's always someplace different.

And the thing the letter did when I finally did open it is it confirmed every single thing I've been trying to avoid. It's like, you know, after a while. I talked to someone else about not talking to my family, and after a while it's kind of like when your foots asleep.

Like the limb is there, you're still connected to your family, they've raised you, they know who you are, you know who they are. There are still all these interactions and your constant, whatever. It's still there and it's a part of you but you're not getting signals from the limb. [00:42:52]

THERAPIST: Mm hm.

CLIENT: So you're kind of hobbling around and you're wondering, "Why am I not getting signals from this limb."

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: Or, "Is this really sensible." Or you forget why you sort of cut off contact.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: It's just sort of like a stricture that you've got in your life. Like a fast too. Or anything that requires discipline. (inaudible at 00:43:17) And you get halfway through and you wonder why you're doing it. But the letter confirmed basically everything. (laughs) Everything I was avoiding is exactly what I thought it was and it's justified to avoid it.

And the letter it said like, "Brandon, happy birthday." Who knows, a loving message. But it also said, "We took care of this insurance claim for you and paid off parking tickets that you accrued in Baltimore," and all that stuff, "Love, Mom." And it's like and then it had a hundred dollar check in it. So it was like cleaning up my mess.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: And I've been worried about the insurance claim, I just hadn't gotten to it because I've been very busy.

THERAPIST: Oh, the car insurance claim?

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. But combined with being sort of a prot�g� to the owner, I felt sort of off guard. Like I felt like I was sort of grabbing, you know, if life was a chicken I was grabbing it by the neck. And I sort of released when I read the letter because it's just, I don't know. What are you supposed to do? I guess I'm sort of [00:44:36]

THERAPIST: What did you feel about the paying off the claim and the parking tickets?

CLIENT: I mean I was partly relieved. I felt a relief for the stress that was on me. And I felt confirmed in not really speaking to my family. And I mean it was just a little embarrassing, but I don't know. I don't know if I felt that. I suddenly just felt relieved and I felt angry at being relieved of this stress.

THERAPIST: Ah. Huh. Yeah. The cleaning up your mess and we're doing this. That they did it for you.

CLIENT: It's like licking (ph) my face. yeah. And so what it means is I also thought I don't know what to say when you say, "What was I feeling?" [00:45:40]

THERAPIST: Yeah. What did it mean? What did it mean to you, kind of thing.

CLIENT: It's not something that came I don't know if my emotions are (inaudible at 00:45:47) or what, but it's not something that comes to my (inaudible). But I thought of, well, she would be telling my extended family how she, "Well, Brandon got this insurance claim and they were bothering us and we had to pay it off for him."

THERAPIST: Yup.

CLIENT: It makes any return to connection to them that much harder because they're not going to be able to respect me as a self And maybe I'm not completely there yet.

THERAPIST: That's right. That's right. Just something about it -

CLIENT: Self-sufficient.

THERAPIST: Yeah, and that to not be self-sufficient and to have these kind of like these messes or something, means is very much equated with some loss of stature, standing, respect for your life. And then it opens the door for her to say things like, well, kind of suggesting, "Hey, here's what you should be doing. You should be creating your life not searching for meaning." [00:46:48]

CLIENT: Yeah. And also I don't think they know No, they know. Well they might have some idea that I'm fixing bikes but, yeah, she's just picturing me as wiling away my time -

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: like she does probably.

THERAPIST: Huh.

CLIENT: You know, looking for something more. I mean, oh my gosh. I mean, It's just there's no A meeting with her Well, like I may see her but the prospect of her actually understanding where I am is more remote than ever (ph) now. And also the last thing is, I've been enjoying my job but I've started to have like something creeping like I've been very tired after work. And I want to make very, very good use of the summer because I get to rest in the winter and also there's a lot I can be doing. [00:47:49]

I want to build up to going to school for classics in Baltimore. And there's a lot I need to do to accomplish that financially and, mostly financially. (laughs) But I've been enjoying this work but I'm only making twelve dollars an hour.

THERAPIST: Mm.

CLIENT: The other stuff is lucrative but I'm often very tired when I get home. But when I'm fixing bikes I charge twenty five dollars an hour.

THERAPIST: Mm. So yeah. Do you get work?

CLIENT: Well I have work. I don't know if I still will.

THERAPIST: Oh.

CLIENT: I deliver groceries too but it needs to pick up a lot. Anyway, there is all this other interesting stuff going on. My work sort of, I'm sort of pushing that aside, like the insurance claim and stuff that I just sort of sweep. And I wonder whether I should be looking for a job at an advertising agency or something like that would serve me. I guess I have that problem of the guy looking at a bike. I mean I have all these problems and, you know, which one do I fix? [00:49:08]

THERAPIST: Hm.

*; One day I'll think I should do that, but one day I'll think I'll think I should this thing and (inaudible at 00:49:15). It's hard to pick one.

THERAPIST: I see what you're saying.

CLIENT: And it's not certain that I'd be able fix anything if I did pick one.

THERAPIST: Uh huh.

CLIENT: Like getting a job at an ad agency. Because I'm convinced I could do at an agency just what I did at the mechanic shop. I mean I'm already someone that they go to to fix their bikes and I didn't even know anything five weeks ago.

THERAPIST: There's a lot you do. No, seriously.

CLIENT: What?

THERAPIST: Well, there's a lot you can do.

CLIENT: Oh, in terms of employment?

THERAPIST: Yeah.

CLIENT: Thank you.

THERAPIST: Tuesday.

CLIENT: Tuesday at?

THERAPIST: 5:10.

CLIENT: I think you said, 5:10 or 5:15?m.Hm.

END TRANSCRIPT