TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
CLIENT: (Unclear) may be getting sick.
THERAPIST: I don't know.
CLIENT: It's that or allergies but I just saw (unclear) today and I think she's (unclear) crazy, so we'll see. Yeah after our session yesterday, I don't know, I continued feeling pretty crappy. I ran into my roommate briefly because she has group therapy at 6:30 so we see each other (unclear). [00:00:57] But I don' know, like just sort of the rest of the evening I was still feeling very like not on edge, but just very like still kind of borderline we'd be and still feeling very like I don't know, like I knew Laura was on (unclear) and I just felt like I can't handle anything else then like getting home and sitting down. I had planned on going to the grocery store but it was like I can't go to the grocery store, I just want to go home.
And then today waking up and trying to get ready for work I was just feeling the same way. I was just like I don't want to, like I feel tired, I feel like already anxious and upset, even though in haven't like gotten dressed to work yet. Like I (unclear) at work and really anxious about work or even about – I was just feeling like just so on edge, I guess. So I thought that I would do a little bit of, I went to bed extra early so I thought of doing something like, I would do some work before nine chilling out with my, you know the e-mail, the Internet, or whatever, and of course someone came (unclear) to get me at 9:30 which was a – there was a vendor coming in in an unscheduled meeting and no one had told anyone so the vendor arrived and like, ‘I need all these things.' You can't get them and you know the vendor is like the salesman so he doesn't know how it works. I'm on the phone and just like in the middle of that Chet comes by and is like, ‘oh, a student forgot their paper, can't find the paper.' Like I really, like I was on the phone and Chet kept on like, ‘well you know but this student like,' like okay I can't call you back. They're going to have to wait like a half hour or so.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: This is so frustrating because you know, I'm on the phone and I don't know. So eventually I just sort of told the vendor like I've spent an hour, I have to go (unclear) my minutes. I went to help the student. He'd never saved his paper so it wasn't anywhere. And, oddly enough, the e-mail goes to paper to open it and they have to save it to like my documents, like (unintelligible) and there's this different type of monitor that tells him to do this, the background image tells him to do this and inevitably people don't. And so he was there and he was like rewriting his paper and I told him you know you should save it to the thing right now because I could see it was unsaved.
THERAPIST: Wait, so you mean this is before this morning?
CLIENT: This is all this morning.
THERAPIST: This is a different student that lost his paper or the same one?
CLIENT: The same one.
THERAPIST: And you had seen the student earlier?
CLIENT: I saw him after the vendor. I went downstairs and he was just sort of sitting waiting for me at a computer.
THERAPIST: Right, and working on his paper.
CLIENT: And rewriting his paper. And I told him like, he sort of described what happened and I looked and I was like yeah your paper's not here. Like you didn't save it to the thing so you can't –
THERAPIST: And also you should do that –
CLIENT: Yeah, you could see it was still in the title and he was like, yeah, I should, okay, and I was like, ‘no, why don't you really do that right now?' So I talked to a co-worker, walked by his spot and he still hadn't and I said, again, I think you should save it right now because otherwise you might not remember and he ignored me again and it was like, I have to go, like, you sir are going to lose that paper again. Goodbye. Like I don't – but the whole thing with the vendor just made me so like, a – it was super-stressful because this guy is trying to give a presentation at like 11 and probably about 10:15, 10:30 it was like –
THERAPIST: He's trying to give a sales presentation to two people in the library.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: At 11 and needed the information or some part or hardware.
CLIENT: He needed to be connected to the Internet which you can't do last minute. And also he then wanted someone from outside to connect to the computer device and take over and do other things which is also something that you're not allowed to do on Cambridge's network. So he basically he's like he has two different security violations and he wanted, like exceptions that he wanted last minute and I just kind of, staring at me like, ‘no,' and he was like, and he was – it was just a very weird situation because he didn't – he's a sales person and he didn't know how to use the things he wanted to call his IT people on. I'm like, ‘well,' and then I was on the phone with the IT person, (unclear) to the part the self check-out machine that he used demonstrating to get like – and it didn't work. And probably why it was so frustrating was – I mean like it was last minute for me but someone had scheduled this appointment and hadn't told anyone in IT. Like when I found out I was like, oh, maybe they told someone at the office and I called them and they're just like, ‘no, also we can't make those exceptions, also no.' So I don't know, when people do things like schedule a vendor and don't tell anyone, or don't tell me, or are like oh I got this really complicated thing I want to do in like three hours, it always drives me crazy because – like part of it is, I'm like, (unclear) can do that, that's not possible and this is when most people – it was, you know it's for a lot of important people so it not being possible is going to upset a lot of people but none that were there because (unclear) talking about it and I also find it super disrespectful of like computer work and like me. And that even periodically some people are like, oh you don't actually you're (unclear). It's so great. I'm so like, you know you could have just, like when you scheduled this appointment why didn't you (unclear). And the person who scheduled it is someone who I was surprised because I thought he knew better. Like he's a project savvy person and has already run into the problem of ‘no you can't just wander on campus with like a laptop and have it instantly work because we have to do things. So I don't know. It's a very frustrating experience. And then it also – rushing around to do that, it kind of ended up, like it killed what I had planned, like things I'd planned for the rest of the day. Like I had already planned to do some work. I planned out my day. I wanted to do various work.
THERAPIST: I have a question.
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: I know you don't sort of, perhaps believe this, but do you ever have the idea that I can fix these things or make them better?
CLIENT: No.
THERAPIST: I wondered in part if it's something that upset you yesterday.
CLIENT: No. Part of what upset me yesterday and was upsetting today before all this happening is I didn't know what would make me feel better. Like I don't know if I feel like there are things that I know how to do to make myself feel better about various things.
THERAPIST: Sure.
CLIENT: And not only were none of them working, like nothing, it didn't even feel like the things I did helped good either. It wasn't like it was like I don't want you to do this, I want like you know like doing –
THERAPIST: I mean like therapy ought to make you feel better about stuff like that, not that (unclear) fix things but however it does. And that didn't happen.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Along with maybe other things that you'd hoped would help you feel better but did not.
CLIENT: Yeah, I tried venting with some friends. It's like I think I'll talk to Ashby. I'll do this, I'll do that. I'm like nothing, like I feel still feel terrible about the whole situation and I don't feel like there's something that someone can do to fix it but it makes me feel like there must be something that would make me feel less like sad and stressed and upset and just like there should be something, I guess I think there's something that should make me feel better. Whatever that might be. And starting the day was like rushing around and sort of being treated like – (unclear) the plumber or something. Like this is really, this is definitely not what I wanted to (unclear) like to start my morning. And there was another reason why I was kind of – another thing frustrating about my schedule being like fucked up is I planned out of the – okay today I'm going to do things without other people, so it needs to be like your way. I'm going to work on these like independent little things and was unable to do that.
Not that after that that would have made the day better but rushing around, having people like bitch at me to (unclear) me and another thing I was thinking about was also that (unclear) said that the vendor was saying like, oh it's so great that you're doing this. I understand that this is like above and beyond which you it was nice, I was like okay I was glad that you realized that he had made a big mistake in just rolling on campus without arranging anything and so that's nice but it really doesn't—like I feel like people will – I (unclear) saying thank you or like saying I worked really hard on something, but I feel like it never goes anywhere, like I could do 20 impossible things and I might get thanked, I might not but it's not like actually for the 20 impossible things, someone would be like, ‘you should take the afternoon off,' or, ‘wow, we had no idea that you were so awesome at doing impossible things.' It's just very, it's super frustrating, like I feel like I'm putting all this work in and nothing is happening and it feels like no one notices and nothing I could have done nothing or everything and like with this vendor guy, and with another problem we were having elsewhere in the building, I was like okay I've done all this work and I'm pretty sure that people are going to bitch about it and be like, ‘well why couldn't they fix it?' and be like, ‘why didn't IT fix it? That's ridiculous.' And it was just like I don't know that, I don't feel like Chet or Karl would usefully say anything. I'm afraid that sometimes I could use this less.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I also forgot how much I forgot. I completely hate that Chet walking in and out of the office can see my screen when he walks in and out so much. I don't enjoy that. Like I hate people looking at my screen in general. People looking at my screen and people coming up behind me, I just hate all of that and that's how the office space is.
(Pause): [00:18:28 00:18:44]
CLIENT: I find myself getting very distracted and caught up with – so what was on my screen that he just walked by and like, whatever?
(Pause): [00:18:55 00:20:16]
CLIENT: I think the other things I also definitely, in additional to feeling like, I don't know, like I guess kind of invisible, but also too visible, I don't feel like anyone cares about that. My co-worker like not Chet, but some other people that I support like are – and like they go, ‘oh it looks like he hates our office.' But that's about it.
THERAPIST: And there are some things about this that remind me of some aspects among others of your relationship with Josie. CLIENT: I (unclear) to me about that at all. How would they know? [00:21:21] The thing that I was thinking about is that I feel like, I have this feeling of like I don't think I've stayed in this job too long, it's like it's too late to leave if that makes sense? (Both laugh) So at night I'm very tired. Sometimes when I was with Josie – this was after our relationship – and as she right after we broke up, more after we'd broke up but I had this just like I felt terrible for not having left earlier. Not having ended that relationship earlier and also that sort of had this faith, I was sort of being, hoping things would get better yet I knew they wouldn't but the idea that they wouldn't was very upsetting and this week I didn't feel like ‘oh, I should have left this job like two years ago or a year ago or something or like I should have pitched more of a fit up the food chain when Will (ph) was still here. [00:23:29] Or something. And since I haven't left this job earlier I feel sort of trapped like I've been in a crappy work situation so long, being in it for another year like after I've already dumped – if I already spent like several years being miserable at work I could probably be miserable at work for another year but that's not good, like that's something I don't want to do either.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And in a way it doesn't make any sense. If I've been miserable for so long I can do another year of being miserable. Like there is some piece of illogic there that I'm missing like I guess that it just –there is some reason you should. I'm not talking about like a higher paying (unclear) are part of it like, and yet it feels a little self-punishing and the other thing to think about is how (unclear) won't leave her boyfriend because she's been with him too long and like well (unclear) longer.
THERAPIST: Right.
(Pause): [00:25:47 00:25:50]
CLIENT: That's a little part of it and I'm just like well Cambridge really sucks. It's not getting any better and I've been here so long that like I'm the lone (unclear) X, Y or Z. So I could just do it a little bit longer but –
(Pause): [00:26:11 00:26:25]
CLIENT: I mean it's a good thing that the things that I want, but I'm so much sort of failing at finding or getting is I really want like professional encouragement or compliments or something like some kind of reward for doing all this, like I work really hard and blah, blah, blah.
THERAPIST: Yeah. I think also you just want to be treated well.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And fairly.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:27:10 00:27:32]
CLIENT: Yeah and also like for me I get so spastic I'm like I am not good at just sort of being quiet about some things so, yeah.
THERAPIST: So is it an attack (unclear). Something about the grief that would go along with leaving is very hard to face.
CLIENT: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:28:02 00:28:16]
CLIENT: I don't know like I feel so just discouraged and not successful right now. I don't feel like, I don't know, I don't feel like I'm (unclear). I would like to be able to sort of walk out and be like, ‘[see ya suckers, like also your job] (ph), fuck you.' [00:28:50] But later on that feels like a completely impossible thing to see that just couldn't happen like which I know is not necessarily like factual. I just feel like this is just going to, however, like (unclear) probably I'm not going to be able to sort of feel like I'm leaving on my own terms or that I'm going somewhere more often even though like you know like someone's actually a volunteer (ph) and I am (unclear) more often and I will enjoy having [summer in some way] (ph) like X,Y,Z. [00:29:51] But it really doesn't feel that way right now.
(Pause): [00:29:52 00:30:05]
CLIENT: And you know the advice to like, you should update your resume or look at other jobs makes me feel worse. I feel worse because I feel like I don't have a (unclear) science degree or an IT certification and like I feel like I don't have a thing that I could feel like, ‘hey, I have this thing that you want, so hire me.'
(Pause): [00:30:49 00:31:05]
CLIENT: And I feel like, I guess I just don't, I don't know, I don't feel like I just don't – it's not that I don't feel competent although I don't feel very competent like right now. I feel like even like, let's say I do well in my current class and get a (unclear) degree or I don't even know, whatever I do – it doesn't feel like ‘Yea! I'm finishing this in study hall.' It just feels like, ‘well, I guess maybe once I have a degree that maybe things could be a little bit better.' And part of me thinks like I meant like a library mentor or having a cohort of librarians who were people of color or getting their degree or whatever would be nice because they would make you feel like yes, things. But, l also feel like ‘well, I'd magically (unclear) and screw people.' Right now I feel so negative about work that I wouldn't want to be around me at a meeting of black library students because (unclear) [00:33:10] like I have a lot of really negative things to say and nothing really positive.
(Pause): [00:33:11 00:33:34]
CLIENT: And I'm also having a very hard time with like getting sort of like – there are times when I feel insecure and I am just like, you know that I'm being like insecure like I'm not being rational about it, but like right now, like when my friend said, ‘oh, but (unclear) is so great to have been here, let me know if she (unclear).' [00:34:03] Like I want to take all my friends here. And I said to her like, ‘oh I'd love to go.' And she didn't respond which whatever, but like it feels like, ‘oh God, she doesn't like, she doesn't actually want to hang out with me, she doesn't really like me, all (unclear) other people more and just sort of this whole like little tailspin of huge over-reaction to – I know that's not true but yesterday at the office having a really hard time sticking with ‘that's not true.'
(Pause): [00:34:47 00:35:14]
CLIENT: It would make you feel really, really like down.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
(Pause): [00:35:15 00:35:24]
THERAPIST: (Unclear) anxious and despairing and –
(Pause): [00:35:25 00:36:34]
THERAPIST: And it seems mostly like goings on at work doing this to you.
CLIENT: Yeah. That's where the beatings pretty much seem to be taking place.
THERAPIST: I know that (unclear) with your friends but –
CLIENT: No –
THERAPIST: Feeling better like that maybe.
CLIENT: Yeah, no I usually feel like less crushed, I think would –
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Deal with that a lot better. As it is the problem of like working in a library while also trying to get the library degree – this thing that happened at work make me second guess and feel weird about school. Or things that happen at school make me feel weird about work. And so there's not a lot of division, it's like one whole big mess. And so feeling like crappy and defeated at work means I also feel crappy and defeated about school (unclear) the librarian and then that kind of just goes around.
(Pause): [00:38:06 [00:40:53]
CLIENT: Was one of the aspects of just my work situation or that discussing reminds you of Josie?
(Pause): [00:41:01 [00:41:37]
THERAPIST: In the way you're in this sort of situation in which you're being treated very badly and it comes to specifically like about really being seen or (unclear) and you can't find a way out and you maybe a bit give up on yourself and I don't know if this is true but the (unclear) that you would be upset if you – you know, when you leave, that you had left sooner.
CLIENT: Yeah, there was a couple of days (unclear) about having worked for Cambridge for a long time and there are differences too. I don't need to say – I think the situations are similar and if I thought it would sort of blatantly abusive or (unclear) I'd jump up and down and wave my arms about it. I mean it's not that I feel she treated you really badly but I don't think anybody's been abusive. I mean it's different as far as an institution (unclear). [00:43:10]
THERAPIST: It does sort of reminds me of – I'm sorry, you also seem very – I don't hear you saying, describing things at least not recently, a little bit before maybe but not (unclear) recently like usually when you describe something you're clear about how bad you think it was and you hope whoever's responsible will be responsible.
CLIENT: Yeah. I'm hoping that it's a jump to my (unclear) Monday was I had this job at, this help desk job at Cambridge and I had this horrible racist/sexist co-worker and I was just very miserable about it for a long time. It was awful. And at one point like my psychiatrist, my GP, my other doctor was like ‘I think you should leave this job because it's really killing you (unclear). [00:44:31] My stomach like was just super acidic and like burning and nothing helped and I was depressed and really stressed and I was having these stress headaches and I'd felt that way for a long time but for whatever reasons like these two people say, ‘oh like, well then, I guess. And that's kind of like how I feel.
THERAPIST: Yeah. We have to stop, but I think the pattern there is quite important. I mean as well as what you decide to do now. CLIENT: Yeah. Okay.
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