TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:
BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:
THERAPIST: Oh you mean you missed a day because of weather and stuff.
CLIENT: Yeah. It was kind of like it stopped snowing for a while and I was like, ‘yea! And then, ‘it's snowing again but I didn't die.'
THERAPIST: I'm very glad you did not.
CLIENT: (Laughs)
THERAPIST: I'm glad you made it.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: So I think I mentioned, I don't know if I did the last time that I'm having (Sigh) a conflict – weirdness with a different disability office again. I got you off – my doctor saying, the disability office is asking me to find out when you can return to work fulltime. So is that true? (Laughs) I'm like, no.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And I asked the disability coordinator if she would get back to me and then I got a hold of another person, because there's like three people and I had this very frustrating conversation which was – what I was trying to convey was what she had said you should increase cardio and to develop my stamina so you can go to work at 9 o'clock or something. Okay. And she was like, you probably in like four to six weeks and to take it easy so you don't injure yourself, blah, blah, blah. And so the disability person calls and says well, that's not what your – that's not a [Medicorp] (ph) condition seeing you talked to your doctor [or what she thinks]. I'm like, wow, that's what she said. And she's like, no, we really need specific dates and exactly how many hours you can work and when and she's like but that's like we batted this back and forth like that's not what she said or –
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Ah, her I absolutely quote, ‘is there any way where it's just like flexibility where I can say like will work an extra seven hours pending whatever and she was like, no because that's not what HR (unclear) that's not an acceptable Medical recommendation, that's not an acceptable medical recommendation like that's how it –and I'm like – argh. So another part about it which is weird it's that so I make a note for my physical therapist for any physical therapy who's the physical therapist so I'm going to tell my doctor what to tell you so I don't really know why we're doing this but it was really maddening to have her saying like, that's not what your doctor said, or like, your doctor couldn't misapply for that like when you work in HR you're not a doctor.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: Also telling me what my doctor's telling me, you know? And I got my (unclear) with her and she was also like, oh, and we need this information like immediately so that we can whatever, come to a (unclear). [00:04:20] So I spent like the check-out time like trying to figure out what to do, you know, (unclear) my doctor and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And part of it, it's just very stressful for me to do that. I don't – I mean the conversation feels like to me either like she's like you don't understand what your doctor said which isn't true or just we in HR know more than you which – maybe it's true.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And it's also very scary for me to come up with like the six-week plan when I don't – have no idea how that's going to go? You know like I was talking to various friends and I'm like so you know when you've increased your cardio about how long do you take until you feel a change which was helpful but one of the things like I find most frustrating is like I still don't have a good sense of what things I can do with like – I don't have a (unclear) hip injury or just arthritic hip but like I just don't know what I can do. Like I know what I used to be able to do.
THERAPIST: Right. Like this is a new condition.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And you don't know how you're functioning will be with it. CLIENT: Yeah and I'm very scared of re-injuring myself or making things worse, like right after I moved I was just in so much pain and I was, you know, something wasn't really like – like I had (unclear) pain like I don't know what that pain is. I never felt that before. And I was just really freaked out because I'm like well is it just – is that just something the (unclear) did? Is it a new injury? Like what did I do? The physical therapist was like oh you probably just strained everything. So there's that and then there's like so what she wants me to do is 30 minutes of cardio exercise a week which is not that much. I mean to be (unclear) or whatever but I suspect that once I actually get to the gym and down at whatever thing that I'm going to probably fall over of exhaustion and the other thing – I don't find cardio very interesting. I know there are all these things like lock hands or whatever. The bigger problem is that I – like how I'm going to set the machine isn't how I should set the machine. Like so like if I bike ride like I usually do high resistance, you know like (unclear) [00:08:03] I don't like pedaling really fast, like I hate spinning (unclear). I like doing high resistance and I've always had really strong legs so it's going to be like great. If I do that like I'd accidentally put up the resistance once or twice on an exercise bike and have been like, ‘oh God.'
THERAPIST: Ouch.
CLIENT: Yes. Because my first feeling is like I'm like I'm (unclear) whatever and then like the motion doesn't really hurt until I stop or slow down and then it's really painful like my whole leg feels swollen and it really sucks a lot. And so like getting on the bike to me right now feels like a failure because I feel like I can't do the work.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: Something else, okay there's whatever, treadmill, elliptical, whatever, but it's frustrating that I can't do what I want to do in the gym like I love doing leg presses (laughs) because I've always had strong legs so it's like doing that and I like riding a bike, heavy resistance, and those are all now currently disallowed.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And I could do probably weight lifting (unclear) it's difficult with my chest on some of the machines that I'm scared of really. So –
THERAPIST: Like getting hurt?
CLIENT: Yeah. In high school gym there was like this warning story they would tell us which was to tighten the end of the free weights on both sides because otherwise like there's this guy who didn't do both sides and the bar flipped like across the room, hit the wall and almost hit someone and it was actually the guy I was dating. Oh my God, he was maybe – he had been the person, he was the person who hadn't tightened the weight.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: (Laughs). I'm going, oh you are the warning. I don't know, it's like he threw the bar or something across the room, it's very alarming, he (unclear) I mean I just don't expect – I might get over it at some point. And the other thing is the reason why I like lifting weights is that people don't think you're lifting weights to lose weight. But if you're on like the machines they see you as like, which I hate and I – like one of the reasons why I imagine (unclear) on time is because I really hate with a hate that (unclear) lose weight; I hate that we're talking about losing weight. I hate people who give me a dirty look or being like oh it's so good that you're trying to lose weight and all of that.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: I can't stand it. And a part of what made that easier for me is that I was like well whatever I can bench press my own weight. Or I can do whatever more. But now I'm like, eh, and I can't. Like I feel like I don't know. It's just like I don't have any good mental like whatever I can do this other thing so it would be like you and a bunch of people who are going to make me feel like crap.
THERAPIST: Yeah.
CLIENT: And the JR (unclear) is the (unclear). [00:12:49] Because it has the most issues etc., and it's like great for law school students. Just not what I want.
THERAPIST: Hell, right?
CLIENT: Law school students tend to be really entitled, kind of aggressive about things because they're law school students so it's law school and economics department and (unclear) department, but mostly law school. But also it's like a (unclear), younger than me and very competitive.
THERAPIST: Right. Yeah.
CLIENT: And –
THERAPIST: I know – touchy, feely, supportive, cry-baby (unclear). [00:13:37]
CLIENT: Yes.
THERAPIST: I thought of joining Health Works which isn't so (unclear) except that it's really expensive and membership at a different gym is $25 a semester. CLIENT: Right. As opposed to $100 a month. So and I get free towel service because of my longer service. Yeah. I couldn't add it to my – so I complained like I think I can do this and oh because of longer service you get free towels.
THERAPIST: (Laughs)
CLIENT: The weirdest perk.
THERAPIST: Apparently.
CLIENT: See I really don't want to do it. Like I just really kept going to the gym. A friend of mine who is also a fasting activist and extremely awesome is sort of (unclear) about the (unclear) diet and exercising like that and part of it is that so I guess has diabetes and the doctor says that you can do these, you know, like turn it upside down and she was interested. And you know if it was going to a good nutritionist and exercise regularly. The nutritionist told her that she's not consuming enough calories. She thought the vegetables and being told you're too fat will do that to you and as it turns out the exercise dramatically improves her diabetes.
THERAPIST: That's awesome.
CLIENT: Like much more than either she or the doctor thought. So she's like, well a part of her was like – I didn't expect that. I actually hate exercising but this is kind of awesome and I showed her this book and it's really good and it's very conveniently timed but she's also really blunt about – and half the book is sort of ways to deal with – all the messages about being fat at the gym and getting looks at the gym and what to do about all of that and how to deal with people who make lots of assumptions and etc. So I felt fortunate because I have that book and etc. But nothing gets for me like what I don't get like out of the gym but also having the stress from HR be so combative and dismissive makes me want to even less. Because it feels like HR doesn't have any interest and argue actually, in you getting better enough to work, like that doesn't seem to be that much their interest. They just seem to be much more to me, can you please give us a schedule?
THERAPIST: Right. Right. They want documentation. And have no real concern with you.
CLIENT: Yes. And if I start up the increased schedule and it's painful or whatever but the answer like takes up time for a personal day or unpaid if my time. Which is something and I also don't know if they'll approve short-term disability benefits again, whatever. And (unclear) have implied that they didn't increase – that I wasn't working an increased schedule it was unlikely they would approve the (unclear) benefits. Which I don't know if that's true but I think that was the impression I received. So the other thing about it is that, so I heard many people say like they're not going to fire you like when you're in the middle of a disability claim or whatever and that they're not going to do that when you're still up (unclear). [00:19:18] It's really a bad idea and I don't find that comforting at all. We'll see. Like because I feel like a) Cambridge probably shouldn't search doctor's e-mails but hey, we did that. And I remember when I had to, when I had to (unclear) sexually harassing me and everyone's like, oh, there's no way that they will keep him around and he's still working in (unclear) and you know like I don't – I was like well Cambridge has enough money to find something like – Cambridge has enough money to find the loopholes or just say, here's some money, go away which is probably true. And you know, they're doing this kind of well if you're not able to fulfill your job functions and your department might not accept this. You know the current (unclear) is that there is that if the doctor is state supervised, part-time schedule (unclear) department that maybe they could refuse to something if that's actually possible like I'm not sure what they would refuse. Like in the end, HR needs a note from my doctor saying that – we need a certification saying that I'm fit to work.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And I don't think mine will.
THERAPIST: Right.
(Pause): [00:21:25 00:21:57]
THERAPIST: Yeah that's sort of – I guess I don't respond is how I would – you're feeling like they could care less about you and your credibility with them is that – which is (unclear) cynical about them.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: And don't trust (unclear). [00:22:48]
CLIENT: Yeah which is also – feels really crappy. I mean also like meeting with the (unclear) recruiter really add an extra layer of cynicism to my cynicism. And I don't know, for whatever reason like one thing that really like I think of in my head since that meeting was how Cambridge doesn't punish people. Like you can have HR complaints lodged against you and nothing will happen a lot. And like obviously tenured faculty that happens a lot but not just to tenured faculty, just people. And I don't know, like despite my intense cynicism I still – part of me still feels like there's – like I should have done more or tried harder when I had (unclear) sexually harassing me or when I was in my (unclear) like and I don't know what that thing would be.
THERAPIST: And you still have (unintelligible). [00:24:52] CLIENT: But yeah because they're still here. Like I sort of sit here and I'm like oh yeah, like these people who are awful and engage in really awful behavior are still in place. I'm still – just as (unclear) about it as I am and that really sucks. And the other thing I was thinking was diversity career type reactions like everyone focused on recruiting people in these entire pay grades, etc., is the thing like (unclear) is not going to go anywhere when their management is still discriminatory and if they have (unclear) doesn't work and it happens like you can't retain, like it's hard to keep people (unclear) but like that's not a great atmosphere. I guess it's like it's not getting at the problem at all and I like I do really get that I am an individual and not going to get at Cambridge's institutional sexism and racism. I was committed for a while but there's a lot of it but it's still very frustrating and just so, it's incredibly disturbing because it's such a – thinking of the university as a whole is really depressing. It looks so – I mean usually like I give a (unclear) of Cambridge and then whenever I look at Cambridge as like unmasked and like wow there's a lot of really privileged guys going to university, a lot and it's like wow there's old money, there's like you know, (unclear) connection and (unclear) connections like there's just a lot of that and whatever small place like that don't feel it as much on a daily basis.
THERAPIST: Like the kind of old boy's network (unclear) but when you sort of sit back and look at a kind of hierarchy –
CLIENT: Yeah, or well, all of it but usually it's like well you know our friends are really (unclear) to work. Say most of the people that like I support are actually are.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: And then most of these (unclear) were like, they're like (unclear) picture like heads of all the whatever, or the presidents or the deans or you know whatever and I'm like, wow. Or (unclear) which has like (unclear) information and then (unclear). [00:28:57] I also regret still being here at Cambridge. And I can think of all of the reasons why like I agree with most folks but I don't know. I think I've stayed at Cambridge is because it's easy like there's no gap in insurance. It's all like (unclear) whatever, who cares. You know, like everything is very smooth when you change within the university (unclear) you can choose schools, it doesn't really matter. And it's definitely less scary, like it's easy, it's lower risk. I guess one could sort of –
THERAPIST: I have been not only trying to do something in that given a lot of the ways you've been treated at Cambridge it's like taken a whack at a semiconscious sense at your worth or like desirability as an employee which like – what I keep on wondering is if in a way, some of the bad experiences make it even harder to leave because they undermine your confidence that another place that would be better and would want you. Does that make sense? I mean I get the other side of it which is the bad experiences would want to make you leave and I know that you have sort of good reasons for wanting to stay. But I guess partly I'm thinking of this because of having talked about it when you've talked about leaving and other alternatives but I wonder if this is in the mix as well.
CLIENT: It definitely is. Yeah it's very hard for me to accept but, it's hoping to think about another place wanting to hire me especially I'm kind of like, well, I mean I get a little encouragement at work and when I do it's not – it's the customer service job and it (unclear) was like you get a commendation in your little whatever – I didn't get nothing. At the university I had a couple of employees programs and (unclear) about a year or whatever. So, like I don't get – like I never really gotten anything like that or gotten promoted within like I (unclear) leave my job to get my promotion to get further ahead. [00:33:47]
(Unclear) is you know and (unclear) to Cambridge are paying crappy employee stuff but it's also that trying to get promoted requires your manager to be willing to invest a lot of time and energy into (unclear) every classification and takes a while and is annoying and I've never met a manager who has wanted to, or has been willing to do that. So there's that and then I don't know, like I guess the things that I feel like I'm good at and like are important aren't really – they don't get recognized for like I don't know, good communication or customer service or like whatever, like over (unclear) comes (unclear) things that are like oh, yeah. But that's about it. [00:35:18] I don't get like the, other than that like mentioned at the monthly staff meeting or like any of that. And things that I'm good at I try to be okay about, we do this or this or this, I always get shot down. So, I don't know, like when I try to upgrade my resume I was trying to a couple of times recently it doesn't look like – to me I'm like that's not very impressive, I don't feel like there's – I don't feel like it's that. I don't know. I just don't feel like it's that. Like oh yeah, we should hire this person and also in terms of that I completed MLS I'm aware that you know (unclear) the (unclear) get hired like they know I'm finishing, but I don't feel like anyone – I don't feel like (unclear) would be willing to take that risk or make that happen or say like, I think they should, like you know. Or discuss it like you should hire me over this other more established candidate and like the other – I think the other thing that's in terms of like looking at things that like generally speaking, a branch of it is kind of (unclear) with what to do with the media when you take all these (unclear) and all these things and like everyone's kind of (unclear) [00:37:24] a little bit about it. Cambridge more so, but you know, a lot of universities and private libraries and public libraries and etc. are like oh shit what do we do?
THERAPIST: Is it possible that in thinking about – strike that – I think that in thinking about finding a job somewhere else you do the same thing to yourself that you just described Cambridge doing to you. You know, not recognizing your good qualities or talent or the things you've done successfully as well. CLIENT: Yeah. I know. I find it hard to stick with like that was a good thing I did but I'm not getting reimbursement when I do that. For example, the harder I (unclear) are bureaucratic and like (unclear). You get a lot of experience working in the library, a lot of experience with the media, social media, you went to Cambridge, like I sort of understand that there might be situations in which a library would want to hire somebody who had an MLS but didn't have other things over you, but there must be situations where they would much rather hire someone like you than some 25 year old (unclear).
THERAPIST: Yeah. And you also know like a ton of people and like it's my understanding from some pop sociology is that there is this sort of strength in weak ties thing in getting jobs where a lot of times the people who you kind of know are known to somebody who can connect you up and my impression is that is a very large number of people for you, many of whom probably don't work in libraries but yeah some of them do work in related fields and –
CLIENT: Yeah. No.
THERAPIST: I'm not exactly trying to give you a pep talk but I guess it sounds a little bit like that but I guess probably what I'm trying to do is point out ways – things I think you leave out or that indicate your like bias against thinking of your own worth or certainly –
CLIENT: And you'd think one of the, you know for me, one of the – part of why the four baby librarians that they hired –
THERAPIST: Did you call them baby librarians?
CLIENT: Yes I did. (Both laugh)
THERAPIST: (Unintelligible).
CLIENT: I know. It's just like there are so many reasons why they shouldn't call the babies librarians but they are. So I'm just like, part of why that was so discouraging was like oh, it feels like you do just want to hire a 25 year old with an MLS for one of your contractors like also one of your contract positions (unclear) that sucks. And that's okay in another job at Cambridge. Yeah I could totally do that, it's another one of your contract positions. It looks –
(Pause): [00:41:42 00:42:01]
CLIENT: I don't know, like I hear what you're saying and it's very hard to hold with that when I'm like, when I observe a crowd and say, like who around me is getting exploited and who isn't? And I've been thinking also that – there's this article that I was reading by a professor in another class about official and unofficial (unclear) for labor (unclear) and so a couple of things that – there are a bunch of scholarships available to library students that are only available in the first chunk of your career. Like Ph.D.'s and (unclear) are like finishing up your Ph.D. grants like (unclear) but it's frustrating and the two diversity-ish scholarships – you have to have less than 12 credits which I have more than that. And I'm kind of pissed that no one mentioned like do you think of (unclear) for like the only like I did have (unclear) say, well you know you're black and must have if there's any money for you because you're black. That was the most I'd get which pissed me off a lot. And wasn't actually like a helpful remark in any way.
THERAPIST: No (unclear) the hatchet. CLIENT: Yeah. So like I guess, I mean it's a whole bunch of things and the more I think about it the more I think one part of it is I don't feel like my librarian co-workers are kind of like yeah, like (unclear) librarian or let us, oh do you need some hints or help or like I don't know, professional mentoring.
THERAPIST: Do you want to be a librarian?
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Okay.
CLIENT: I think I've considered all that.
THERAPIST: I wasn't sure.
CLIENT: Yeah.
THERAPIST: Part of my thinking was like I understand that the hiring and promoting is very depressing and demoralizing. I was looking at it like, it sounds like they weren't really hired, my hope is (unintelligible) excused what they've done but I can understand why you want to feel like you could get a job like that if you wanted it which you wouldn't because it's only a year contract position but it sounds like the sort of life experience outside of school persons or job I can get because –
CLIENT: It's very confusing.
THERAPIST: But maybe this is my ignorance of (unclear) work.
CLIENT: It's probably unclear to me because when they were, when the (unclear). [00:46:22] When the library was talking about it it sounded like they were going to go for someone like mid-career.
THERAPIST: I see.
CLIENT: Yeah, or that they'd go with one new librarian and one like one mid-career.
THERAPIST: Right.
CLIENT: And like new hires that I'd seen in the various libraries, they've all been mid-career or – none of them have been freshly minted librarians.
THERAPIST: Yeah. Like now that's kind of like what you are, right? Like, in other words even if your MLS was fresh like you've been (unclear) libraries for a while.
CLIENT: Yeah. So that's what I thought they would get.
THERAPIST: That's all for now. (Unclear) tomorrow.
CLIENT: Okay.
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