TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

THERAPIST: So how are you?

CLIENT: I feel like a lot has happened in everyone's lives since I saw you last. And, yeah, I think now it was almost, like, it was over a month ago. I think it was right before Trae's birthday and he turned--

THERAPIST: The 19th (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah, he turned 13 months yesterday. I still just feel so shaken by everything that happened with the bombings and I just--

THERAPIST: What was your experience? You know, everyone's story of where they were and who they knew was different.

CLIENT: Well, we were actually visiting my grandmother in Indiana over the weekend and driving home that Monday and Todd didn't go with us. He was working on Monday, so it was just, like, my immediate my mom and Todd and my sister and me and Trae. So just us in the car. And then Todd called. I just could not I couldn't believe it. And then we felt so far removed, which is kind of weird too. We were on the highway somewhere in, like, Indiana (inaudible at 01:04).

So it was a weird feeling to know I mean, I knew Todd was safe, but that all of this was going on. For all of us it was a weird felling, to be kind of away from it all. And none of us knew, like, we didn't have any family members or, like, close friends who were running the marathon but then, like, thinking of people who would probably be there watching. It definitely was so scary. And then I feel like the lockdown that happened on Friday hit even closer to home just because so many live so close to where the suspects apartment is. Like, I think probably very close.

THERAPIST: So it really does hit very close to home. You're just feeling so personally affected by whoever's experienced being told you can't go outside.

CLIENT: I know, yeah. And--

THERAPIST: This is not ever something you ever expect to go through.

CLIENT: Definitely to wake up on you know, Todd kept hearing I think I was so tired just because Trae had had us up. I wasn't hearing my phone beeping with text messages at, like, 5:00 in the morning. And then finally Todd got up to see. And work and school were really good about updating us and so we woke up to my stepdad saying, like, "Call me. Turn the news on. Call me and don't leave the house," and these messages from police. So it definitely was such a scary day. [00:02:25]

It was nice that I never felt like we were really in danger, just because I kind of felt like this town was probably the last place that the suspects were going to go to, but it still just such a scary feeling to know that that exists around us. And thinking about I walk pretty much right past their house is at the bottom of (inaudible at 02:49) and I pretty much walk right past there with Trae on the way home from daycare some days and just thinking about all of that was really scary. And then I think I just have such a feeling of sadness for the brother, for the younger brother who's still alive now too. Like, which is weird. Like, I think at first, before we knew who it was, you have, like, this anger. But then I think, like, I just think he could have been one of my students, teaching. You think of them I think I was thinking of this, like, kind of illusive bomber, before we knew who it was. And you think of, like…

THERAPIST: Not personalized (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah. This 19 year old kid that curled up in a ball in a boat, you know. I don't know. It just was so sad. Like, I just have such a mix of emotions. At first I was kind of--

THERAPIST: Yeah, and they're all you know, it's not one or the other. It can be angry and sad for this person. Clearly, you know, he was not a happy, well individual to do something like this.

CLIENT: Yeah, and that he went (inaudible at 03:51) all these teachers and students saying, you know, he was a great kid. It's just so sad to think I think it's sad on so many different fronts. And it's almost, like, weird to go back to normal when you know that all these families are so directly (ph)…

THERAPIST: There also is just normal life continues [in some ways] (ph).

CLIENT: Yeah. So it definitely has been just a whole mix of emotions, but I think it's nice to be able to you know, my family and I have been talking a lot about it and then at school, to be able to talk to people at school. And then it was really interesting because the school where I'm observing, thankfully everyone had April vacation. But knowing that all the kids were going back on Monday and…

THERAPIST: For their first day back.

CLIENT: Right. The school's in the area so a lot of it's not the same school where the little boy, Martin, who died, went, but a lot of them knew him. And just so hard to see kids having to process it.

THERAPIST: And I forget which age they…

CLIENT: Fourth and fifth graders. So a lot of them had, like, played soccer with him, you know, through the (inaudible at 04:57).

THERAPIST: Wow.

CLIENT: Yeah. So it just feels like a lot to try and process. And even as an adult I feel like, you know, like it's really hard as an adult to try and figure it out. And then to see these kids--

THERAPIST: Yeah, I don't know that it's ever understandable, no matter how much experience you have.

CLIENT: Yeah. So it definitely has been a lot to think about. And I kind of feel myself even just being a little more, like, jittery too. I was going to pick Trae up yesterday and I was here, on campus, and trying to get the bus over to get him. And his daycare's over by the Square. And the bus, like, came early and I missed it. And then I was like, "If I wait for the next one I'm going to be late to get him." So I just jumped in a cab and, you know, gave them I didn't give them the address but said, like, a cross street. And then the cab driver was really nice and we were talking and I was like, "Oh, I don't want to be late to get my son at daycare." And then when I got out I was like, "Oh my god, like, should I not have said to a stranger, like, the kind of location of my son's daycare. Like, is this a bad thing to do?" Like, I feel like I was just kind of letting my…

THERAPIST: You've (ph) become really wary of everybody.

CLIENT: Yeah, which was, like, such a bad feeling--

THERAPIST: Over thinking the details (ph). [00:06:10]

CLIENT: --to be distressful of strangers. But I was like, yeah, are you not supposed to be say, like, where your child's daycare is to someone who you don't know? I don't know. So I think that I'm just kind of, like, a little bit more on edge too. But then I was talking to my mom on the way home and she said this. She was like, you know, "I think you just start feeling jittery. Like, everyone is feeling that."

THERAPIST: Everybody's unsettled. It's really unsettling.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I think I was, like, anticipating walking that same route home too and just, like, it's just such an eerie feeling to know that they were so close by to us.

THERAPIST: And you never know. And the majority of people you don't need to know. I'm sure that cab driver's a perfectly good person, as are most of the people that you encounter all the time.

CLIENT: Yeah, and it's a weird feeling to have to, like, you know, wonder do I need to be distrustful of this person or not?

THERAPIST: And what will that get you? [00:07:15]

CLIENT: Nowhere. Yeah, I know. It won't at all.

THERAPIST: I don't think there's, you know, I don't know that there's any way to protect these things. Could it have been prevented by someone being distrustful? Probably not.

CLIENT: Yeah. But it is. It's just scary to think that that exists out there.

THERAPIST: It is.

CLIENT: And then I think there's been it just, like, also puts things into perspective, you know, like the little worries that I have. I think they're much bigger worries out there. (laughter) But I think just in, like, the past month it's been exciting to start this data collection but it was also kind of I was almost think it was almost for me, like, what some people experience going back to work full-time. Because going back to school, like, that was really hard but I felt like there was more flexibility in my time and I would go into school later. So I would usually have the mornings with Trae and now it's almost kind of like a more typical, like, full-time job where I leave earlier and get home, you know, just to pick him up. And so I don't really have any time to kind of, like, do any work when I get home. So the first week was just kind of hard.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 08:34)

CLIENT: And then sending Trae so now he's going three days a week to daycare and my mom's doing two days because I need coverage for all five days. And so that's just it was feeling hard. Like, now this is actually my third week of data collection, so I almost feel like it's getting a little bit better, you know, like I'm falling into it a little bit more. But I felt like that first week was just kind of, like, frazzled. Like, I was leaving Trae earlier than usual and then getting to the school and then getting all of this information but then, like, running to pick him up. So not really processing it at all.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 09:10) right?

CLIENT: Yeah, and I think part of me, like, because I had been waiting to actually start this project for so long, like, I was all, like, excited to just kind of jump in and do it. So I think I kind of had unrealistic expectations of, like, the kind of processing that I wanted to do after each observation too. I think I was trying to jump into it too much, where now I'm trying to just let it be. And I can start the analysis later, you know. Like, I don't have to do it--

THERAPIST: Right now [with your] (ph) data collection you're analyzing your data.

CLIENT: Yeah, so I think and Todd was [kind of good] (ph) because he's done a lot of this before. So it was nice to talk to him about it too.

THERAPIST: Kind of a reality check.

CLIENT: Yeah. He's like, "You don't need to start, like" you know, I wanted to be, like, sorting things. He was like, "You don't need to do that yet." And I think that was a good reality check, to be like, OK, just focus on collecting it for right now. Because there really wasn't enough time in the day to try and do all of that organization. So now it's felt better to have that pressure be (ph) off.

THERAPIST: (inaudible at 10:15) expectation a bit.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I feel like I'm getting a little bit more used to having care for Trae five days and also knowing there's a definite end in sight. Like, I really think it's just going to be now a total of six or probably seven weeks. So now I'm really almost halfway there anyway. So that's feeling good. But the first, like, week or maybe even two weeks just kind of felt like I was running from one thing to the next and just feeling really unsettled. And I think I got into the bad habit with the course that I'm a teaching fellow for, of taking on a lot of the work. Because I kind of had the time. Like, I was just kind of waiting to start this project. So now they're--

THERAPIST: People are expecting (inaudible at 10:59).

CLIENT: Exactly, yeah. And I kind of have now, this is actually our last week, so that will get a lot better too. But three weeks ago it kind of felt like, "Oh no, what have I done?" Like, I'm, you know, doing the majority of the work to prepare for this class in terms of the TFs and then, like, now really jumping into my own work, where I want to be focusing my efforts. So it was kind of hard to figure that out.

THERAPIST: Were you able to hand it back to any of the other TFs or…

CLIENT: A little bit, but I feel like I'm--

THERAPIST: …are you just struggling through the last couple of weeks?

CLIENT: Yeah. I'm not so good with that and I think the set-up of the way it is, hat Ryan and I are so close and have worked together before, he leans on me the most to do stuff, so the it's kind of up to me to disperse it, you know. And sometimes I just, like, I know what he wants and feel like it's just easier for me to do it than which I know is not the right thing to do, that I need to have more faith in the other TFs that they can do it too. But I think that because I was kind of doing a lot of the work before people just got into that habit. But we're almost to the end anyway and I think I can be more strategic about it next year once we do that. And I think it's hard that, like, Ryan has so much else going on and he knows that he can count on us TFs to kind of pull things together even if he's caught up in a conference somewhere, you know, like, in terms of the preparation side. So it's hard. Like, I think there are we need to talk, I think, as a group, about expectations and commitments and things like that. [00:12:36]

THERAPIST: Yeah, so that people's expectations can be set appropriately. Or reset.

CLIENT: Reset. I think that's more what it needs to be. But I think all of the things that were kind of making me feel almost, like, frantic when this was first starting are falling into place. Like, I feel like I have more a routine going to the school and now the end of the semester is almost over. So I won't feel that kind of juggle.

THERAPIST: Right, [you were] (ph) being pulled from both sides.

CLIENT: Because it feels weird. It's like now this is my time, like, to be working on my own work. I almost, like, I just don't want the other distractions, you know. It's like I don't want to be working on this class anymore, so it's kind of nice to have that over. But I do think I was, like, feeling those emotions of when I went back to school, that it was just, like, kind of a sadness to--

THERAPIST: Well (ph) having a lot less control. When you went back to school, like, some of your control of how you spent your time with Trae was changed, but you did have some control over, well, you can do work after he went to bed or get something done during a nap. You still had some freedom and flexibility to design your own schedule and with the data collection you don't. You're on the school schedule.

CLIENT: Yeah, I know. I was thinking about some of my mom friends who went back to work full-time and I was like, "Oh, this is I guess I had it pretty good." (laughter) This is really hard. And (inaudible at 14:02), like, I know as a former teacher how things change, like, day-to-day, but it was also hard at the beginning, even in that first week. I think one day the teachers cancelled on me. Like, just something happened spur of the moment so I couldn't go in and then another thing came up. And so that was just hard too. Like, I just felt like now things are so different, like, being a mom and needing to figure out childcare to get everything in place.

THERAPIST: And then having it fall apart. I did all of that for what?

CLIENT: Right. So it's just like that was kind of a new spin on it too because the only other time I've done work in schools it's kind of OK if the teachers would drop a class, you know, like, right as I was on my way in, because I was just worried about me. But now I'm more, like, trying to figure things out as a family and Todd's going in late to cover. My mom's coming early and so it just makes it a little more difficult to figure out when I need to be when teachers need to be flexible, but we can't really be that flexible. It's hard to figure that out. [00:15:07]

THERAPIST: How has it been for you, to be in the classroom? Have you felt well-received?

CLIENT: Yeah, that part has been really fun. Because I just miss being in the classroom anyway. At first I wasn't quite sure. Like, some people's style for observing will just kind of be in the back of the classroom, like, sitting on a computer, but I really want to be, like, in the midst of it and talking to students and looking at what they're doing. At first I just I know the teachers who I'm working with so that made it a lot better because I could kind of be direct and say, like, "Is it OK for me to take that role?" Whereas with other teachers who I don't know yet, like, it might have been harder to figure out what they expect an observer to do and what I would want to do as being an observer.

So that's been nice that there was even one day when one of the co-teachers was out and the other teacher emailed me and she was like, "Can you take even more of a hands-on role today? Because we're going to be down a staff member." So that's nice to know that they feel comfortable with me in the classroom in talking with the students and everything too. So that part of it has felt really good. But I think I am just, like, trying to let myself, like, slow down a little and not have to worry about jumping into all of the other pieces that come next. [00:16:28]

THERAPIST: And that's a challenge for you.

CLIENT: It is.

THERAPIST: Even as you're talking about it. I can hear it. You know, you're revved up and it's like you want to do it all.

CLIENT: Yeah, and I almost wonder if a piece of it is thinking about so then I'll do my analysis and (ph) writing over the summer and that was kind of the same thing that I tried to do last summer when I was finishing up those finals and realizing, like, how hard that was. And so I'm trying to learn from that and make sure we have, like, childcare set up on consistent days.

THERAPIST: You were trying to do that with a newborn.

CLIENT: Exactly, yeah, which is really hard.

THERAPIST: Which is a different transition than where you'll be. You didn't have your formal childcare team set up yet. So I think this summer will feel different in those ways, in that you're used to sending him to childcare, he's used to going to childcare. He's one -he's not a newborn. So you have a greater ability to kind of hand-off back and forth. So I think it will feel different. I don't know that it's going to be easy.

CLIENT: Right, probably. (laughter)

THERAPIST: But it will feel different than, you know, trying to sort of come back from maternity leave (inaudible at 17:41) finals and adjusting to being a parent for the first time.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I think I wasn't thinking about, like, that difference at first and that was almost why I wanted to do as much as I could--

THERAPIST: Right. It (ph) felt like it would turn into summer.

CLIENT: --right now. Right, before the summer came. But it does feel good to know, like, we're keeping our childcare days in place. And I think that now that will be a lot easier. And it's nice to look forward to that I think I'll definitely one day at home with him again, which will be really fun to have that time back with him too.

THERAPIST: You feel like you have it back rather than feeling like you're losing stuff.

CLIENT: Yeah, yeah. So I think that will be good. And I'm working on kind of weaning him too, since he turned one. And that's actually we've been going so slowly that it really has been OK. Like, I knew for him it would be totally fine and for me, emotionally, I felt like it would be really hard but we've gone, like, so slowly and of course now, like, he's totally into nursing. (laughter) So that has made us go even slower. [00:18:42]

So it's kind of been a nice process where I still was doing he was nursing four times a day before his first birthday, but I was pumping two extra sessions. So I was able to drop those, which has been so nice, and then I have him down to nursing three times a day and I just am trying to drop that mid-day one this week. So that the whole transition has felt a lot better than I anticipated.

THERAPIST: So with him in school you're doing that mid-day one during the weekends but not while he's…

CLIENT: Well, I was still pumping, which was funny. And people at the pumping room in school were like, "What are you doing in here? Like, Trae's one. You shouldn't be still pumping." And still trying to…

THERAPIST: You can drop that pumping session.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I was dragging the pump to the school where I'm observing and I was pumping in this, like, supply closet. And so finally I was like, "OK, I don't need to do this."

THERAPIST: You don't need to do that.

CLIENT: So this week is when I stopped that. But it's been nice because I feel like--

THERAPIST: Freedom from the pump.

CLIENT: Yeah, that I've gone so slowly that I don't really feel sad about it at all. Like, it's felt really nice to like, even today I left and I just had my backpack and I was like, "Todd, look. Like, I don't have a bag with me. This is so nice." So that's been really nice.

THERAPIST: I've never heard anybody be sad about giving up pumping.

CLIENT: No, yeah.

THERAPIST: I've heard people be sad about giving up nursing, but nobody's sad about pumping.

CLIENT: This has just been wonderful, I know, to just get rid of it. I just want to kind of, like, hide the pump somewhere, put it away for a while. And then I think for now just keep the morning and night because he's still really it's funny. Like, I kind of thought, like, he wouldn't even want to nurse anymore because he just has been so up and down with it. But I think that's been nice for me, to keep the morning and night, because now he's still not so great taking the cow's milk and, like, a sippy cup or a cup and he's totally done with a bottle. Like, he wants nothing to do with a bottle. So instead of, like, worrying is he getting enough cow's milk, it's nice to still have that time with him and to not have to worry is he getting enough milk. So for now I think I'll just try and keep the morning and night. And eventually I'll just get down to night time for as long as we can. But that part has felt really good. I think I was dreaming all of this but… [00:21:00]

THERAPIST: I'm glad that it feels it sounds like it's feeling really natural, the way that you're able to do it.

CLIENT: Yeah, and it's nice to kind of go out, like, on a high. (laughter) You know, that he's enjoying it, like, we're spending nice time together instead of, like, right, feeling frustrated.

THERAPIST: Feeling good stuff about nursing, rather than some of the struggles that you've had.

CLIENT: I know. And with this time too, of feeling so busy and gone a little bit more during the days. Like, I feel like it's so nice to come home and have that. So that part, it's been a lot nicer. Like, I think I was anticipating feeling really sad about it all but because it's happened so slowly and knowing I can still kind of hang on to…

THERAPIST: Yeah, the parts that you want.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And there's no, you know, there doesn't have to be any you had this goal in mind so you had this sort of timeline of going for a year. And now you don't have to have a particular time in mind. You don't need to stop by any time. You can let it be totally dictated by what feels right for you, what just comes organically. [00:22:06]

CLIENT: Right. I know it definitely feels really nice to just have it be kind of on our own terms and not have this goal in mind that shouldn't have been so, like, concrete anyway.

THERAPIST: But it got that way. (inaudible at 22:20)

CLIENT: So it is nice to just have this. Like, it feels a lot more relaxed and that's a nice way to kind of end it all.

THERAPIST: Absolutely. Well, I'm glad for you guys then.

CLIENT: I am too. Todd's very glad too. (laughter)

THERAPIST: Oh yeah, I'm sure.

CLIENT: The stress of all that part (ph).

THERAPIST: It's nice to have that stress over.

CLIENT: Yeah, definitely. So I feel like I know a lot of things have kind of changed.

THERAPIST: Yeah, it's been a big shift. How has been sleeping and anxiety been through all of that?

CLIENT: It really has been OK. Like, I feel like I notice times and, like, little things that will come up but that haven't really been so strong that it's impacting my sleep or…

THERAPIST: Yeah, so not getting in the way. [Coming up] (ph) but not getting in the way.

CLIENT: Yeah. And there was one night where I did have trouble sleeping but I felt like it wasn't really, like, anxiety related thing that I, like, make up. But, like, Todd and I had, like, had more of, like, a discussion that I didn't feel like had ended and wanted to talk more. And I just, like, wasn't able to fall asleep. So I feel like that night that I had trouble was something, like, lots of people probably have trouble with, when they have a disagreement with their partner before they go to bed. So it felt like something wasn't-[00:23:37]

THERAPIST: It wasn't something wrong with you. That was a very typical, normal reaction to a normal part of life.

CLIENT: Right. So that felt, like, in a way and I woke him up at two o'clock in the morning like, "We need to talk." (laughter) So he didn't really appreciate that but that felt better, that at least, like, a night where I did have trouble sleeping it felt like for something that was worth it instead of something that, like, just kind of popped up.

THERAPIST: It wasn't worrisome if you were up at that time because you knew exactly what was going on.

CLIENT: Yeah. And I have noticed, like, more it's almost, like, on Fridays when the week is over and 2560, the class I'm teaching or helping to teach, is on Fridays. And it almost feels like they're so much buildup to that day, just in terms of planning and then, like, knowing that the week is over, that sometimes after class I'll, like, let little things pop into my mind. And know that they're not, like, things I really need to be worried about but I almost wonder if it's, like, the same thing of, like, after I would turn in a paper, that I can't let myself just be…

THERAPIST: There's this free space.

CLIENT: Yeah. "Oh, it's Friday. It's the end of the day and now the weekend's here." It's almost like a--

THERAPIST: Just let yourself relax.

CLIENT: Yeah, think of something else. For some reason I feel like that idea like, I talked to you before about worrying with the videotape going and I had whispered about a group. That definitely not that it's, like, caused more anxiety but it stuck with me. So I feel like I'm, like, extra careful in class now to, like, not say something that I might worry about like, "Is that caught on tape or…" [00:25:15]

THERAPIST: So in some ways you're having sort of this, like, hyper vigilance, right. You're being super careful.

CLIENT: Yeah, it definitely feels like that. Even when the tape isn't going or whatever, just wanting to make sure, like, when I'm talking to my group or if I'm, like, addressing the class in some way, like, being extra careful about what I say. And it's not something that, like, is taking over me or anything but it does feel like I'm being more aware of it than ever before and so I'm wondering where that is kind of coming from.

THERAPIST: Well, it's interesting because even so that's actually that sort of you know, (inaudible at 25:52) hyper vigilance because it's about yourself, not necessarily the environment. Or almost sort of a perfectionism of wanting to kind of say only the right things or be the perfect teacher. It also parallels your experience taking the cab ride, right. You want to be super careful. Like, "Are you not supposed to mention the address of a daycare?" Lots of people would never even contemplate whether or not they should or should not do that, but it's something that you're sort of super, you know you have a tendency to be on the sort of more extreme side of doing things right, whatever right is in your head.

And so I think it sounds like it stems from that. So there's this moment that may have been caught on videotape or not that you would have felt badly about and so now that does kind of mark something in your head, kind of to be careful about what you say, especially in class but also that leaks out to every other part of your life too. Do you want to push yourself to maybe let yourself be a little bit more relaxed and flexible? You could. Do you have to? Like, how much is this getting in your way? And I think it's a gray area. [00:27:06]

CLIENT: Yeah, I don't really feel like it's getting in my way. Like, it's not making me, like, not want to address the class or something, you know. But it definitely has come up more.

THERAPIST: How comfortable would you feel teaching?

CLIENT: I mean, I feel pretty comfortable. I wouldn't say the way that it's kind of set up, like, I'm not doing a huge amount of teaching in the class anyway. Ryan's doing, like, a lecture and then usually it's the TFs that kind of set up the activity part of it. So that's kind of what I'm doing. So it's only more of, like, the logistical stuff anyway. It's not really getting into content or anything.

THERAPIST: So you don't feel like you're censoring yourself?

CLIENT: No, but it is funny. And I almost feel like that's what I do at the end on Friday. Like, "Oh, is there anything that might have come across wrong or" yeah.

THERAPIST: I think it's something to sort of just note about yourself. And there may be a point where kind of doing these kind of, like, review of the tape in your head becomes burdensome or gets in the way of teaching or interacting with a group or something like that. And if that's the case then we'll pay attention to it and see if we can help you to let go of that kind of perfectionism a bit. If it doesn't feel like it's getting in the way then it's just kind of part of your style. But I think it is something to kind of pay attention to because it can get too big and start to impact the way that you feel like you're interacting with others or the way that you're performing. [00:28:43]

CLIENT: I definitely haven't felt it be like that yet but, yeah, it is something that I feel like I'm a little bit more aware of that I'm doing more.

THERAPIST: So kind of standing outside yourself and watching. So it sounds like it's something to kind of just be aware of and take note of. And if it gets in the way, if it gets to be more than you want taking up a bigger part of your sort of the space in your head, then you want to be then we pay attention to it more and see if we can mold it. Anything else that we should be catching up on or planning for or thinking about?

CLIENT: I think the only other thing I was thinking of is when we did decide to cancel the appointment when we went to visit my grandmother and that when we did cancel it, like, I was almost worried to myself thinking like, "Oh, this is the longest stretch, like, we've ever gone. Is this going to be OK or will this be, like, harder?" And that was at night too. Like, I did have trouble sleeping. I can't really even remember, which means that it couldn't have been that bad. But it was something that was on my mind, just, like, how that would be for me to--

THERAPIST: Like a test to yourself.

CLIENT: Yeah. And so that first day and then Todd was saying, "That's something you definitely need to bring up. You're worried about not, like, worrying about (laughter) to Dr. New (sp?)." So I was able to kind of laugh it off too but I think was more just I wasn't sure of how I would respond to that and so part of me was like, this will be kind of a nice way to see, like, is it do I rely on it every two weeks or is it OK to be more flexible around that? I think I kind of had that on my mind for a couple of days and just feeling a little, like, antsy about it and then I got over it and it was fine.

THERAPIST: And you were fine. [00:30:36]

CLIENT: Yeah. So that kind of felt nice too but in a way I was like, "Well, I don't want to say, like, rely on that feeling too much either because then what if it ends up, like, that it is harder again?" But it did feel kind of nice to question myself and say like, "Is this OK? I don't know how I'm going to feel about this." And then know that it was OK.

THERAPIST: Yeah, let yourself see rather than predict. I think you've used therapy really well and used it as a place to be able to process some of your concerns and you've I think taken some skills away from here that you use. We've also used it as a safety net. I think you will find if I know what's in place then I you kind of use that as a I think something that alleviates your concerns. You know you have a place to come and (inaudible at 31:25) placeholder just in case. And you use that to kind of, you know, almost to kind of give over part of the responsibility for worry, you know. And that's OK.

I think, you know, people use therapy in lots of different ways. But I do think it's important that you also trust yourself at the same time that you're kind of saying, "Well, if anything happens I've got this placeholder kind of where I know I can go," but not to overly rely on that because you also have a lot of skills to deal with stuff. If something came up and you had an issue, you're very competent to manage them, you know, to manage the anxiety or to get by on a night with no sleep if you have to. So kind of letting yourself develop that trust in your own competency as well.

CLIENT: So maybe that was good for me. (laughter)

THERAPIST: Yeah, you had to work through it. Well, with that in mind let's schedule I think we had something but I wanted to double-check with you and then maybe take some time to do some deep breathing?

CLIENT: Great, yeah. [00:32:30]

THERAPIST: So I kind of tentatively had you in for the 3:30 next week. I don't know if you want to keep that or pick another time.

CLIENT: Let's see. So that would be the 30th.

THERAPIST: That was the 30th and that was before we had today's schedule, so I didn't….

CLIENT: Oh, OK. I rescheduled something for next week at this time to be able to make this time. So next week I mean, I could. If that's the only time, I could make that work but…

THERAPIST: I mean, I can do that same time on the 7th.

CLIENT: Oh good, yeah. Then that will be perfect. Because I was able to get over here class ran a little bit late actually, so usually…

THERAPIST: I mean, and if you're five minutes late I know that we're dealing with…

CLIENT: Unpredictable schools.

THERAPIST: It's not a reflection of you. I've [sort of] (ph) known you long enough to know that you're not just being irresponsible and not coming to your session.

CLIENT: Well, good. (laughter)

THERAPIST: So let's take a few minutes to do some deep breathing.

CLIENT: So that's the 7th?

THERAPIST: The 7th at 3:30.

CLIENT: The 7th at 3:30, OK. [00:33:44]

(silence)

The one I have [I'll wait before I give it to you] (ph). It was funny because once we made this appointment I was like, "Oh, I don't have my checkbook," but I still had the check because I had made it out to you from last week.

THERAPIST: Oh, because I cancelled on you last week.

CLIENT: So that was perfect. I was like, "Oh, great."

THERAPIST: You know, we had this sort of series of, you know, I cancelled on you Tuesday and then we--

CLIENT: Oops, sorry.

THERAPIST: --had the events. OK, let yourself get comfortable. Close your eyes and just find a pattern of breathing that feels comfortable for you, letting your inhales and exhales come naturally. (pause) And as you began to relax, let your breath extend, taking full, deep breaths. Beginning to tune into how your breath feels in your body. (pause) Perhaps noticing the rise and fall of your chest. Noticing where things might feel tight or uncomfortable. Using your breath to relax your body, letting go of the tension. [00:35:38]

Also taking a moment to notice the thoughts that are in your head. Letting your head empty, letting go of the thoughts for now. The important things can come back to you when you need them. Now letting yourself be in the moment, perhaps noticing the sounds you here, noticing the sensations you feel. (pause) Letting yourself get a little bit more relaxed, a little bit more in tune with the present (ph) with every breath. [00:36:38]

And as you continue to breathe at your own pace you can let yourself drift to a comfortable place, some place where you feel calm, at peace, comfortable. Let yourself get wrapped up in that space, noticing the details. (pause) Letting yourself really feel what it's like to be in that place. Noticing what you see around you. (pause) Noticing what you hear. (pause) Noticing what it feels like I your body to be there. (pause) With every breath letting yourself get a little bit more relaxed, more in tune with what it feels like to be in (ph) this place. [00:37:57]

Let yourself take a few more deep breaths, memorizing that feeling, holding onto it, knowing that you can come back to it with a few deep breaths whenever you need to. Whenever you want to. (pause) Perhaps envision a path or some way of getting from wherever you may be to this place where you feel comfortable and relaxed so that you can easily go back and forth as you need to.

Do it at your own pace, whenever you feel ready, allowing yourself to follow that path and bring yourself back to the room, holding on to the feeling of relaxation.

That was a quickie. And hopefully you got to get a little bit relaxed and something to remember to go back to.

CLIENT: Yes.

THERAPIST: So I will see you in a couple weeks.

CLIENT: Good, and thank you again for (inaudible at 39:24).

THERAPIST: You're welcome. And I got a cancellation for that. I know who might be able to make that.

[00:39:29]

END TRANSCRIPT