TRANSCRIPT OF AUDIO FILE:

BEGIN TRANSCRIPT:

CLIENT: . . . staying over at friends'. We went away with friends over the weekend and then decided not to leave until Saturday morning, because we wanted to stay one more night; but we were on the ferry at 7:15 this morning. But we're here on time. (laughs)

THERAPIST: Well, I'm glad.

CLIENT: .I'm not showering so sorry. (both laugh) But we made it, so that's good.

THERAPIST: It's an informal meeting.

CLIENT: Yes, that's good.

THERAPIST: And you look like you got some sun?

CLIENT: A little bit, yeah. I had myself so covered, but I still got a little.

THERAPIST: That's okay. You need a little Vitamin D.

CLIENT: Vitamin D, yeah. But I feel like I'm coming off of a whirlwind of the past couple of weeks. Part of me was so tired going this weekend. It was kind of like the last thing I wanted to do, but we were going with good friends. It actually ended up being really relaxing, so it was nice. I'm really glad that we did it. But I remember thinking Saturday morning, "I really feel like I just want to stay home. (chuckles) It would be nice to just relax," but it ended up being really nice. [00:00:57]

THERAPIST: So where have you been, in addition?

CLIENT: The ALA In Situ is a big conference. It's kind of neat because it's like the blending of my two worlds. People from MARAC, where I used to work, and Ryan, who was my professor, they hold an institute with Brown; so it's kind of like in collaboration every summer around this idea of ALA. I've been a facilitator in the past, but I didn't do it last year because I had just had Trae. It's always a really intense week. They're just really long days. We had about 150 participants and you lead a group. You're kind of facilitating. Districts send teams, so I was in charge of kind of supporting this one team from Vermont. I kind of just forgot how intense the work was, and it's totally different now that Trae is here, too. I'm just not used to spending such long days away from him, so it just felt exhausting and it was hard on Todd, too. I needed to be at the institute before we could even drop Trae off at daycare and he needed to pick him up because I wasn't home early enough to get him. [00:02:09]

THERAPIST: So he was really pulling all of that weight.

CLIENT: Yeah, so it just felt like a crazy week; but kind of a nice reminder that I'm really lucky that I don't have a job that demands that every single week. That's good. It was just harder. Most nights I was getting home at 6:00 or 6:30 even and that was right when we were giving Trae dinner, so I just felt like it was this whirlwind of a week. We were all so tired. I kind of felt like the last thing you want to do is go away again. And then the weekend before, for the Fourth of July, we had been up in Canada. We kind of split the time with our families, so we spent a couple of nights with Todd's family at the cottage and then one night with my family in Portland, Canada. That was really fun to see everybody, but Trae didn't sleep that well so we were so tired going into it. [00:03:06] Then I had a meeting for the facilitators on Sunday night, just to get everything ready. The meeting started at 5:00 right down here, and so we left. Usually it takes like an hour and a half, and we left. We gave ourselves more than three hours and we just got here. So I had come off the beach, I hadn't showered again. (both laugh) This was a little different; it was a little more formal.

THERAPIST: You were sort of in your work mode.

CLIENT: Yeah. So I feel like that kind of started the week off in that pace of running from the next thing. I felt like I was trying to be extra aware of things that might make me anxious because I already felt like I was at this heightened state of running around. [00:03:58] It felt good; I think I was also kind of thinking back to when I did do it two years ago and remembering that there were little things that were making me anxious the last time I did it. I think it actually was right around the time I started seeing you, that same time period. At the end the group shares. We call it a sharatorium, which is this silly term that they make up, but I felt like I hadn't told my group ahead of time.

THERAPIST: You remembered then.

CLIENT: I was extra aware.

THERAPIST: You were worried about that last time.

CLIENT: Yeah, making sure that I was not going to do anything to get myself anxious, just because I knew. I felt myself kind of keyed up about the whole thing anyway. I felt like I did kind of do a good job of trying to manage that, even though it did feel so stressful. There was just one night we had Monday and Todd's parents stayed with us Monday night because they were going to watch Trae for us on Tuesday and so I was driving myself home on Monday and Todd was so tired, too. [00:05:10] We stayed up late because his parents didn't get to us until late. I just kind of had a feeling. I think I almost talked myself into it by thinking, "I haven't had any second to just sit," because it took us a while to get Trae down for bed and we didn't eat dinner until really late. His parents came while we were still eating dinner and then we went to bed, so I just felt like I kind of set myself up for having a hard night sleeping. And it was funny because I think I was tossing and turning in bed, but I was asleep. Todd rubbed my back and he was like, "It's all right. Just get back to sleep," but that woke me up. (both laugh) So we were joking because I was like, "Why did you rub my back? It woke me up." From that I had a hard time getting back to sleep, but I think I was just so tired that I fell right to sleep at first and I just wasn't . . . [00:06:06]

THERAPIST: It sounds like you were exhausted from the schedule.

CLIENT: Yeah. So it was kind of nice, then.

THERAPIST: And after that one night, that didn't repeat itself?

CLIENT: It was okay. I was a little worried about it the following night just worrying about it, thinking, "Oh, my gosh. I'm so tired and this schedule does not allow me to be totally exhausted. I hope I can sleep tonight." But I think I was just so tired that I was okay.

THERAPIST: And one night doesn't necessarily impact the next in the way that it had when you were having repeated trouble falling asleep.

CLIENT: And there was one night when I woke up in the middle of the night, but I just went to the bathroom. I didn't want to let myself start thinking about it, and I was able to get back to sleep.

THERAPIST: Good for you. Having weeks that are different like this and being able to manage the interruptions of sleep or different expectations or flow to your day, shows how much more resilient you are now. The routine doesn't need to be as carefully monitored; it's not as fragile. You can handle these differences. [00:07:14]

CLIENT: And it's still felt like a very stressful week.

THERAPIST: Did it feel like a stressful week or were you anxious about the week? Is that different?

CLIENT: Yeah, I think so. I think when I'm anxious I physically feel it, I feel like I don't know like I have too much energy in me or something, but when I'm stressed out about something I don't really have that same physical feeling.

THERAPIST: It sounds like your week was the latter.

CLIENT: I think so.

THERAPIST: You were running from one thing to the next and it was busy, but it doesn't sound like you were worried.

CLIENT: Right. I think at the beginning of the week I did feel anxious just because I didn't sleep that first night, but then it kind of went away. But I do feel like I was extra on alert. [00:08:07]

THERAPIST: You were cognizant. You were looking for things that you might need to take care of to be okay. You smoothed the way for yourself, like making sure you probably told your group about the share.

CLIENT: Right, I did. On the very first . . . I had it written down to make sure to tell them.

THERAPIST: You were kind of smoothing the way for yourself, like having a heads up.

CLIENT: Right. And I think I was picking up on the little things that I know I didn't need to worry about, but I was able to let them go, I think, because I was just in that extra alert mode that I became aware of them, where I don't think I would have really been aware of them otherwise. On the other hand, too, it was such a good week. That's why I really enjoy doing it. It's really neat to see 150 people who are so excited about ALA. The whole thing that we help them to do is to create an plan so when they get back to their district they can share. [00:09:07] It actually was a nice time for me. I had just finished collecting data and I had two weeks of starting to work with it and then had this. At first I was like, "The timing stinks because it's breaking my momentum," but it was almost a nice reminder that this is what it's all about. I'm definitely not regretful that I did it either. I think it was good for me and that's a nice networking thing to meet teachers and to work with people from MARAC again, so it worked out well.

THERAPIST: It keeps you in the community. It's a way of keeping you from being isolated. One of the things we talked about last time is that you're moving into this phase of working with your data. There's such a difference between interacting with people every day, to being at your office or at the library or at coffee shop working with your material.

CLIENT: Right, just by myself. [00:10:01]

THERAPIST: Having a chance to really be with your peers for the week and do that intensity. Now you can go hang out in your office by yourself on the computer.

CLIENT: I know. Now I'm like really looking forward to this week. I'm like, "Oh, I can't wait to be by myself and just look through all the data." It was a good reminder, I think, and then a reminder, too, that I am so lucky. Usually my schedule is so flexible.

THERAPIST: Right. You can arrange to be home for dinner.

CLIENT: Yeah. Yeah. That just really reminded me. It was the same kind of feeling like when I started collecting data and at the beginning doing both classes those were really long days, too. It was another nice reminder to just take advantage of the flexibility that I have. It's still a lot of work; but it's not like there's a boss making sure I'm coming in on time or whatever, so that's nice, too. [00:10:59]

THERAPIST: How does Trae do with the difference? You said he was having some trouble sleeping with the travel?

CLIENT: Yeah. And that was, I think, mostly because it was Fourth of July, too, and there were all these fireworks going off. We were laughing. Now Fourth of July has a whole new meaning as parents. I hate Fourth of July. It's terrible because I think last year he was still so little and it didn't really matter. So that's what kind of threw him off. But usually he's pretty good.

THERAPIST: That's a tough holiday for babies.

CLIENT: Yeah. But I never would have even thought of it in that way; although now just dropping him off . . . We came straight from Canada and dropped him off and then I grabbed my backpack and we came back in and I dropped him off and he started crying when I left. That hardly ever happens and it's usually because Todd does the morning drop-offs because he has the car. But usually when I do, he's usually fine; but I think it's because he had been with us all weekend.

THERAPIST: He wasn't used to going to . . . [00:11:57]

CLIENT: Yeah. And he fell asleep in the car so we woke him up before we got there, but I knew he was going to be sleepy. That just makes me feel awful.

THERAPIST: He doesn't know that it's a Monday.

CLIENT: Right, yeah. I didn't feel like it was, either. We were worried we were just going to feel like it was still the weekend. So usually he does fine, though; but I feel like that's really hard to do.

THERAPIST: It's a hard goodbye for both of you.

CLIENT: Yes. I think that happens very rarely. We know he's still happy there.

THERAPIST: Yes. I'm sure he's fine by now. It's a hard way to leave.

CLIENT: Yeah. So it does just feel like it's been kind of a long stretch. I was wondering about that, too, and how I would think about that, having it be a longer stretch. We usually go two weeks and it was three weeks; and I had trouble sleeping right after I had seen you and I remember thinking to myself, "Oh, no. Is this going to be bad that we're going a longer time?" [00:13:03] I also didn't really like the fact I didn't want to feel like it had to be two weeks. I know we'd gone longer stretches before, so in a way, I was like, "This is good. I can just kind of see how I do." Like if I had this kind of night early on . . .

THERAPIST: How to correct it yourself.

CLIENT: Yes. So I think it was a good test for me, too, to try and get through that myself.

THERAPIST: You noticed it.

CLIENT: Yeah. There have been a few nights in this stretch that have just been a little bit harder. I think it is all just in my head, too. Usually there are nights when something is on my mind that is keeping me up, especially during the institute. When Todd woke me up by accident, then it was more like, "Oh, I hope I can get back to sleep." Then when it happened again, I was like, "Oh, he woke me up before and I couldn't get back to sleep. I hope I can now." It wasn't really a worry. It was more just like worrying about sleep. (laughs) [00:14:05]

THERAPIST: You put that question in your mind of whether or not you'd be able to fall back asleep, rather than knowing that if you get woken up, you fall back asleep, letting yourself trust that waking up and falling back asleep can be part of the night sometimes. Maybe that's part of, not normal sleep, but somewhat typical, that there are nights you're going to be woken up, whether it's your partner rolling over or you needing to go to the bathroom or Trae waking up. You're starting to really trust that you will go back to sleep rather than questioning it.

CLIENT: I know, and I think I was better the second time when it happened. I just got up and went to the bathroom so I knew I wouldn't just lay in bed thinking about it, and that seemed to help, too.

THERAPIST: Yeah, rather than getting that circle going. [00:14:59]

CLIENT: Yeah. So we'll see. It was nice to have so many weeks of not really having any trouble sleeping. I feel like it has crept in a little bit, but I also feel like it's been very different.

THERAPIST: Yeah, you haven't been in your typical pattern. You had the switch from collecting data to doing your own thing, traveling places, the holiday, the conference there's been a lot of inconsistency. With all of that, having a couple of nights here and there is pretty good.

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: And you were okay. Even on days you were really tired, you were really okay.

CLIENT: And it is, I feel like Trae's been getting up. He's had a stretch of just up really early in the mornings, so that's been kind of good a reminder that, "Well, you can still get through the day, even when you're up at 5:30. (laughing) It's okay." So that's good, too, to just know that I don't have to have a certain number of hours of sleep. [00:16:04]

THERAPIST: You're not quite as fragile as you think you are. You're actually a lot more resilient than you give yourself credit for, I think.

CLIENT: Yeah. And so I tried Pilates, too.

THERAPIST: Oh? That was on the list?

CLIENT: Yes. Tried breaking my rule.

THERAPIST: How was it?

CLIENT: Actually, I loved the class that I did. It was really fun. I got the membership and started the class one week, but then the next week was that institute so I've only been there twice.

THERAPIST: Well that was part of the rule, too, right? It didn't necessarily have to become something that you did every time?

CLIENT: Yeah, but it was really fun. The first class that I went to I really liked the instructor. There were two instructors there. The second one said she taught a class on Wednesday, so I went back on Wednesday, but she had a substitute and I didn't really like that class as much. I am going to try to get back to that class that I did like, so it was nice. [00:17:03]

THERAPIST: When opportunity presents itself, so is that it? The challenge now is to continue to let it be something that, if it works, it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. There's not necessarily this obligation to fulfill a new [rule] (ph?)

CLIENT: Yeah, that I have to get there. I think that will be good to not have it be this thing that I have to do. I'll see how that works.

THERAPIST: See if you can let it remain somewhat flexible.

CLIENT: Yes. And already I was thinking, because I had no idea what I was doing.

THERAPIST: You shouldn't the first class. You shouldn't have to know what you are doing. What was it like to let yourself be the newbie?

CLIENT: That was okay. It felt fine. They were really good, the instructors, saying, "You're not going to have any idea what you're doing, but if you come, it usually starts to click for people once they come after three classes." That was kind of like I want to make sure I at least get to three early on, just so I can get the hang of it. But then I think, "That's not really going to happen," because then I wasn't there last week. But it's just fun to try. Everyone there was really nice, saying that they had no idea what they were doing, too, when they first started it. [00:18:13]

THERAPIST: Good for you for letting yourself get to something new and to keep it flexible.

CLIENT: Yeah, it felt good and it was fun just to try it out. There were different times; there is a 4:30 one, so that was kind of like a nice compromise. I felt like I ended my day a little bit earlier than usual, but it wasn't taking a huge chunk out of my day. I usually would make sure I was home around 5:00 anyway. I tried one that's at noon, too, just to see how that felt, too.

THERAPIST: And how was the difference?

CLIENT: It was okay. I was thinking it is taking a big chunk out of my day; by the time I get over there, change, go to the class, and then get back to the library. I also feel like in the mornings I could just be better about my time. [00:19:07] The way we have it now, Todd brings Trae to get to day care at 8:00 and then once they leave, I usually take a shower and go to school. I was just saying to Todd that I feel being more efficient in the morning and trying to leave with them, too, because then by the time I get the bus, I'm not really to school until 9:30.

THERAPIST: Are you still nursing in the morning?

CLIENT: Yeah.

THERAPIST: So that makes it a little bit harder to get up and shower before he's out.

CLIENT: Yeah. That did feel like I didn't really get that much done and I didn't really have . . . finally getting to school. I was thinking I can try making sure I leave the house when they do and see how that feels, too.

THERAPIST: What would you have to give up to be able to do that? [00:19:56]

CLIENT: I think just sleep (laughs) because then I can just set the alarm to make sure I'm up. If Trae sleeps in late, which he's not been doing lately, we would kind of let ourselves sleep and then just get him ready and they would go. I also think I can see him starting to be finished with nursing in the morning, too, and I think that would give us extra time. He's so funny. I never would have guessed that we still would be nursing. There have been a couple of mornings in a row where he hasn't been that interested and then the other morning we were trying to leave and I had to just pull him off. I was like, "We need to go. We've been doing this for 20 minutes. This is a long time." So he's definitely surprised me.

THERAPIST: How did he do with that when you had to pull him off?

CLIENT: He was fine.

THERAPIST: So that's sort of another thing, like another rule to challenge. Maybe he doesn't always need to be the one that decides exactly how long he nurses. If there's a limit, there's a limit. He adjusted. He was okay. [00:21:00]

CLIENT: Yeah, he was fine. It's kind of funny. At this point, I don't even feel like I'm making any more milk.

THERAPIST: It may be for comfort or routine and if that's okay with both of you, that's okay. There's no rule, but it also gives you permission to be like, "Okay. You got your 10 minutes of snuggling and your bonding time, now we need to go to school or day care."

CLIENT: Now we need to get going. Yeah. So he's very flexible with that, for the most part. He's never been one that really, really wants to nurse. It's funny that he's still, at least, showing signs that he still wants to.

THERAPIST: You have really wanted to follow his cues, and there may be times when you can do that. You have room for him to sort of be the lead on that. And there may be times when you have to follow something else instead of his cue.

CLIENT: Yeah, so now it's nice to just kind of see how it goes. Now it just feels so nice to have this time of no pressure with it. [00:22:01]

THERAPIST: It's really, really a nice way however long this phase lasts it's a nice way to end without your feeling so pressured and frought.

CLIENT: Yeah, and we were with friends right now that have three little girls. One is only seven months so my friend is nursing her now. We were just talking about it. She could just nurse her all the kids were playing on the floor with Legos and she was just sitting there nursing. Wow. That's very good. (both laugh)

THERAPIST: Plus her third kid.

CLIENT: That's exactly what she said. "This will be very different when you have a second."

THERAPIST: And every kid is different, too. Yes, she's got that experience of having lots of experience nursing, it sounds like; but also every kid's personality is different. Some kids latch pretty easy; some kids don't. [00:22:59]

CLIENT: Right. So it was funny to just relive that part, too. We get ready to go and she's like, "Okay, I'm just going to nurse and then I'll be ready." I was like, "You take your time. I know how that is." (laughs) That was fun, though, to be reminded of how hard it was but now it's nice to just be enjoying this.

THERAPIST: Yeah, that you're in a different part.

CLIENT: Yeah, so we'll see where he decides to go.

THERAPIST: One of your strengths is really being able to keep those kinds of perspectives. You're able to step back and look at things and appreciate where you are. I think it's a really nice skill that you have.

CLIENT: Especially after knowing how hard it was. Now I feel like I really want to appreciate. Todd feels the same way. He's like, "It's so nice to know you're in there nursing and I don't have to worry like, 'Are they doing okay? Should I go in? Am I hearing you make a noise?'" So it's a nice phase for both of us, too, because I know it's stressed Todd, too.

THERAPIST: Also because you're also much more relaxed about it. It was such a big focal point. [00:24:00]

CLIENT: Yeah, right. We're actually going to go away, just the two of us, because Todd kept mentioning, "It would be so nice just to do an overnight." So for Father's Day I kept telling myself, "Okay. I'm going to make a reservation so that we can go away just for a night." My parents are in Newport, which is kind of on the border of Rhode Island. My mom had suggested Providence because it's maybe half an hour from my parents and he could stay with my parents. All the month leading up to Father's day I knew I wanted to do this and I was thinking of every excuse not to call and make a reservation. I was like, "Oh, I'll wait until Trae goes down for a nap," and then he would be down' for a nap and I'd think, "Oh, maybe I'll wake him up if I'm on the phone." I was just thinking of all . . .

THERAPIST: What were you hedging against there? [00:24:52]

CLIENT: I think I knew that I wanted to do it and I knew Todd really wanted a night away. I felt like that would be a great Father's Day present for him and I felt like it would be really good for me to do; but I just didn't feel like totally ready to do it, I think. I was just kind of laughing to myself because I really was just putting it off and putting it off. Then I came home one day and my mom was watching Trae. She knew my plan because we had figured out a date that would work weeks ago. She was like, "Why haven't you made that reservation yet? I'm here; you go and make the phone call and do it. I'm not going to leave until you make the call." I think that's so funny because my mom hardly ever left us ever when we were little. With my sister, I think I remember when they went. She was like four or five the first time she did a night away, so it was good for her to kind of say to me, "You know what? You really need to do this."

THERAPIST: You felt like you really had permission. [00:25:55]

CLIENT: Yeah. So I did call and we made the reservation. Todd keeps joking, "I have a feeling we'll probably drop Trae off at 7:00 at night." (laughs) No. I said, "I can handle 24 hours. It will be good." That's coming up, not this weekend, but next weekend.

THERAPIST: How do you feel about it?

CLIENT: I feel really mixed and I'm wondering how I'll feel next week, anticipating the weekend. Part of me feels really excited. It will be fun. We actually got a gift certificate for our wedding or something crazy that we never used for a place in Providence, so we won't have to pay for dinner. We can go out and just have a night, just the two of us. I feel like I'm really looking forward to it, but then when I think about . . .

THERAPIST: You're lucky the restaurant still exists.

CLIENT: I know. (both laugh) I went online and made sure that it did. To think of anyone who I would leave him with right now, it would only be my mom. [00:27:00]

THERAPIST: Yeah, but they have lots of time together. She [ ] (inaudible at 00:27:02).

CLIENT: I don't have a worry at all about him and how he'll be, I just worry about me missing him, really.

THERAPIST: And you might; and that's okay. You can miss him and enjoy having time where you really get to focus on each other without the responsibility of Trae at the same time. The two feelings don't have to take away from each other. They can both be there.

CLIENT: I think it will just be dropping him off. Going up to my parents' and dropping him off will be the hardest part.

THERAPIST: The anticipation.

CLIENT: I feel like as soon as we are in the car and on the way it will be fine.

THERAPIST: Give yourself a little transition.

CLIENT: That's just one thing. I've always had trouble even when Todd goes away I'll cry. I'll be laughing because I'm crying, but I always just feel like that part is hard for me to do, I think, so we'll see. I feel like the more I put it off the more I'll build it in my head of being this huge deal, too, so I think it's good to do it early when it's so easy where, if anything did happen, we're so close; and to have him with my mom is good. [00:28:18]

THERAPIST: It doesn't need to be a [ ] (inaudible at 00:28:17) thing.

CLIENT: Right. So we'll see. I feel like that will be a good first step for us to try. I still will feel very mixed about it, but it will be more leaning towards the positive.

THERAPIST: Well I'll be very interested to hear how it goes.

CLIENT: I was looking online to find good picnic spots. It was fun to kind of plan it all out and it's fun to have something to look forward to.

THERAPIST: Kind of take on your wife role rather than your mother role or your professional role; to actually be able to devote a little space and planning and thinking of your wife role. [00:28:59]

CLIENT: Yeah, I know. And I feel like that's the role that sometimes is the hardest one to fulfill when you have to prioritize; the mother role always comes first but then you want to make sure that the wife role gets in there, too.

THERAPIST: It's also really important and gives a lot back, too.

CLIENT: Right. Exactly. I'll be able to report back on that.

THERAPIST: Anything else that we should catch up on or think about?

CLIENT: I think that's everything. I think what was on my mind was being a little worried that I was having trouble with sleeping in this stretch, but I think it was also nice to know that we did go a longer time and it's not like I had to . . .

THERAPIST: Our next appointment again is three weeks because of your time off and my time off. Does that feel okay again or do you want to meet next week so that you then just have two weeks before?

CLIENT: I don't know. I wonder when I leave here today I'm sure I will think, "Oh, three weeks is kind of a long time," but it's also nice to feel like I can be a little bit flexible and say that it is all right for three weeks. [00:30:09]

THERAPIST: Yeah, I mean you certainly did okay. I don't want to force you into it either way, but I'll let you kind of make the decision. Your options are right now we have it scheduled that it's three weeks. We meet again August . . .

CLIENT: That Monday, right?

THERAPIST: Yeah, the same thing. If you wanted we could meet next week; I have times on Tuesday, the 23rd, and Friday, the 26th. We could meet once that week and then that just gives you one and a half weeks until the next one. You did fine; it's up to you.

CLIENT: I think I'll try it. I'll keep the one that we have on the 5th and I'll just see how it goes. It's nice to know that I can . . .

THERAPIST: Right. If you need to call, call.

CLIENT: Because when I didn't write down this appointment and you had left the message on my phone, you were like, "It's this time, but call if you need time in between." I was thinking, "Will I need time in between?" I feel like I was kind of . . . [00:31:10]

THERAPIST: Did I place that thought there?

CLIENT: No, because I had already been thinking about that. I think I had had that trouble sleeping one night early on.

THERAPIST: Right after we scheduled. That was different. That was the difference.

CLIENT: Yeah, in my head. And then thinking, "I wonder will I need time?"

THERAPIST: I think more so than it being the time, I think it's the difference. It sounds like what happened is we scheduled, we noted that it was different than our typical pattern, and then you went home and worried whether or not that difference was going to be a problem, rather than it actually being the amount of time. Just like with doing the conference instead of your regular work week. It's a difference and you wonder how that's going to happen because you're not quite trusting that you can be flexible. [00:31:55]

CLIENT: Yeah, but I also feel like a part of me really wants to be.

THERAPIST: More flexible.

CLIENT: Yeah. There is a piece of me that felt like if I had to call in between, does that mean that I'm having trouble? I didn't like the feeling of that that I wouldn't be able to make three weeks and I would need to call. It would be fine and I would do that if I wasn't feeling good, but it would make me feel disappointed, I think, that I wouldn't want to have to.

THERAPIST: You don't want to feel reliant in the way that you were reliant upon a very structured bedtime routine for a while, getting off of that. I think you're overarching goal is now flexibility, both with rules with schedule and I think you can do it. It's not so much that you aren't flexible, but that you don't believe that you can be flexible. I think it's lining up your head with what you actually can do, letting yourself trust that you actually do have the skills to be more flexible, to be resilient; and doing these little experiments of challenging your rules is your way of proving that to yourself. So let's make that the goal, to maybe notice some more rules, to challenge yourself to bend them a bit, and then kind of log that in your head like "Oh. There's something I was able to be a little bit more flexible on," so that you can start to really believe in yourself. Why don't we stop there and do a couple minutes of relaxation? Thank you. Even with the mad dash, huh? [00:33:41]

CLIENT: Yeah, I know. I even remembered that. I was shocked. Todd was funny. He's doing work somewhere in the square right now. He's like, "Let's extend our vacation and I'll meet you for lunch after. Is that okay? That's going to break one of your rules." I was thinking I was going to the library.

THERAPIST: That's homework in action. (both laugh)

CLIENT: So that will be good. We can meet later for lunch.

THERAPIST: That sounds like a nice way to sort of end the vacation.

CLIENT: I know. He's like, "We can do an hour of work after and then we'll go to meet for lunch." Easing back into work is good.

THERAPIST: Let yourself get comfortable. You can close your eyes and let yourself focus on your body and just find a natural rhythm for your breathing, letting yourself take full inhalations and exhalations. [00:34:35] (pause)

As you settle into a rhythm, let yourself extend your breath, slowing it down just a bit allowing yourself to become more relaxed. (pause) Working at your own pace, whenever you're ready to inhale, as you inhale scan your body, noticing places where you might be holding tension and then let them go as you exhale. (pause)

Repeating that process with each breath, noticing places where you might be holding tension. As you exhale let that go and your muscles relax. [00:35:37] (pause) Also taking a moment to check in with your thoughts. Notice what's in your head. As you exhale, acknowledge thoughts that you're holding there and let them go, letting yourself be present to this moment. Everything else can come back to you when you need it. (pause) [00:36:26]

Today as you relax, let yourself think of a word or phrase or maybe even an image, whatever feels comfortable that, for, you represents being able to be flexible. (pause) Maybe something that you think of as being flexible, a word that holds onto that meaning for you. Whatever works for you. And whatever you come up with, let yourself breathe in and think about that. Exhale and let yourself embody it, letting yourself get comfortable with that idea. As you breathe, check in and notice any places where you might have let yourself hold onto some tension. Exhale. Let yourself relax and then connect it to that word or image that you came up with. [00:37:39] (pause)

Let yourself repeat that process as many times as feels comfortable, letting your breath stay relaxed and full. (pause) Whenever you feel ready, holding onto relaxation, holding onto your image or word, let yourself come back to the room at your own pace. [00:38:48]

Can I ask what you came up with?

CLIENT: I was thinking about when I was doing that Pilates class. When I was in high school before, I would take classes and stuff, and it reminded me of that. It was really fun to be all dancing at the same time to music. That's what I was kind of thinking about. Even though I wasn't going along with the rest of the class, the energy and the music and stuff was fun.

THERAPIST: But you felt comfortable. Fun is a great it's very hard to be tense and have fun at the same time, so for you, it sounds like maybe rather than thinking about relaxing or being flexible, the idea of getting into that fun, actually having fun is such an important piece of being comfortable and being relaxed and being alive. So there's your key right there. Hold onto that. I'll see you in a few weeks.

CLIENT: Good. Yes.

THERAPIST: Enjoy your lunch.

CLIENT: Thank you. I don't know where we'll end up going. Someplace that will be cool.

THERAPIST: Well, almost everywhere has air conditioning.

CLIENT: We were laughing, though, waiting for the ferry at 7:10 this morning, it was hot. We were like, "Why are we going back to New Haven?"

THERAPIST: Enjoy.

END TRANSCRIPT